Q. My daughter died suddenly, a month ago, leaving her husband, her 12-year-old son and me to mourn.
She was very close to her son and they had a wonderful relationship, but he hasn't spoken of his mother's death since then. He did cry a little at her funeral and he has read many cards sent to him, but that's all.
Now he is back at school and pursuing all the activities he was involved in before she died, but he still hasn't talked about his mother.
Is there anything I can do to help him? I see him each day, as I have for years, and we have always been very close. Is it possible that he may need professional help? Please tell me what is happening.
A. Therapy would probably help any child who has lost a parent, but your grandson may not be able to open up to a grief counselor for another few months. Children need time to adjust to the reality of death.
Even when your grandson is ready for one-on-one counseling or for a support group made up of other grieving children, he may not want to go at first.
Memories are so precious -- and so elusive -- that children often hate to share them with anyone.
In the meantime -- and for all time -- your grandson needs extra support from all the amateur helpers in his world: his buddies, his teachers, his minister, his daddy and especially his grandma.
Your son-in-law may be able to get his boy to talk about his mother -- if he's not too grief-stricken or too inhibited -- but you may be able to draw him out better because you see him so often and you are so close to him. Just don't expect him to initiate the conversation; His grief is too raw for that.
Instead, ask him to help you organize all those snapshots and mementos and letters you've saved from his mom's childhood and even pay him for doing it.
By turning this work into a job, you will be letting him stay in his cocoon a little longer, even as you unravel it by telling him about his mother when she was a child.
These stories will give you the chance to talk about your daughter and give him stories to tell his children about their grandmother one day. As the Jewish prayer lovingly says, "So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are now a part of us as we remember them."
Bit by bit your grandson will talk about his own memories, too, and when he does, you should talk about your feelings so he will begin to talk about his. When he does, you'll know that both of you are ready for a little grief counseling.
The Compassionate Friends, a free support group for parents who have lost a child of any age, for any reason, would be a good one for you, and it has chapters all over the world. The unfortunate participants of this "been there, done that" group can probably steer you to the best therapists or support groups for your grandson and your son-in-law as well. If he will go, too, the three of you can work through your grief at about the same pace, which is important.
If your timing is out of whack, your relationships may become out of whack, too, and then professional help will be a must.
Whether your family gets help or not, you should continue the customs and rituals that were dear to your daughter, and you should also commemorate her life in little ways: a sprig of rosemary -- for remembrance -- on the kitchen table; a small but regular contribution to a charity in her name; and Sunday school for your grandson, so he can say special prayers for his mother.
You'll also want to ask him and his dad to join you on Dec. 12, when parents all over the world will light candles in memory of the children they've lost. This custom, sponsored by the Compassionate Friends, begins at 7 p.m. local time and lasts an hour, so that there will be "a 24-hour wave of light" as the time changes around the globe. For more information, or to write a memorial remembrance about your daughter, click on www.compassionatefriends.org.
And to understand the way grief affects the young, read Helen Fitzgerald's classic book, "The Grieving Child" (Simon & Schuster; $12). You should find it extremely helpful.
Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.
