"The United States has 3 percent of the world's oil reserves. We import 61 percent of our oil. There is no possible way for us to drill our way out of this crisis. We have to invent our way out of it . . . by moving to alternatives, to renewables, to fuel-efficient vehicles, to biomass."
Which was the perfect straight-man opening for Stewart to suggest that cars should run on Twinkies.
"Fast food, that sort of thing. We are the fattest people in the world. We could do this -- liposuction right into the car. Zip, zoom, done."
Then, somehow, when Kerry was noting that anyone can come to one of his rallies but you have to sign a loyalty oath to get into a Bush rally, Kerry just mentioned in passing, "You'd be amazed the number of people who want to introduce themselves to you in the men's room."
"Really?" Stewart said, stunned that he was suddenly Kerry's straight man.
"God, it's the most bizarre part of this entire campaign."
Stewart saved his last minute to question Kerry about his fabulously wealthy and outspoken wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry.
"Is it true that every time I use ketchup your wife gets a nickel?" he asked.
"Would that it were. Would that it were," Kerry replied, adding, "but use the ketchup a lot anyway."
