Iraq and the war there have profound meaning to both Kristin
Henderson and Yasmine Bahrani. For Henderson, the return to the United
States of her military chaplain husband from Iraq meant a reunion filled
with love and trauma. For Iraqi American Bahrani, a visit to Baghdad meant
an up-close view of the U.S. occupation.
Henderson and Bahrani were online Monday, Oct. 6 at 1 p.m. ET to field questions and comments about their essays on Iraq that appeared in Sunday's Washington
Post Magazine.
Yasmine Bahrani is an editor at USA Today. Kristin Henderson memoir,
"Driving by Moonlight: A Journey Through Love, War and Infertility," was
published this month.
The transcript follows.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
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Annandale, Va.:
To Yasmine Bahrani,
Your cousin's comments on the potential future for Iraqi tourism was interesting. Based on your recent experience, do you foresee a time when American tourists can safely go on Biblical/Archeological tours of Iraq? If so, when do you or your cousin see that happening?
washingtonpost.com: After Shock (Post, Oct. 5)
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Thank you for your question. My cousin chooses to be optimistic despite the troubled times. He hopes that within a year or so Iraq will see normality and tours can resume. I also prefer to think positively and hope he's right. yb
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Alexandria, Va.:
Kristin -
Thank you for helping me to understand what to expect when my boyfriend comes home from being in Kuwait/Iraq for the last year. He is a Major in the Army and comes home for good in November, and I am so happy! It has been a hard year, and I am not expecting it to be an easy transition for him to come back. I know he has been through and seen a lot and I would like him to feel like he can talk to me about it if he would like. He tends to be very closed about any emotions and feelings he has. How can I let him know in a non-threatening way that he can talk to me, or open up a discussion? And any 'rules of thumb' you can give me to make it an easier transition in general?
Thank you!
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: The experts say to take things slowly and communicate clearly, and in my experience that's good advice. To begin with, just focus on enjoying the moment. Tell him know you're willing to listen to anything he might want to talk about but if he doesn't want to talk, that's okay with you, too. Don't press for details. He'll talk if and when he's ready. Also, it's possible he may want to talk to someone else, like one of the counselors available to him on base. Don't take it personally. He may be trying to protect you. The main thing is to take each day as it comes and celebrate being safely together again. That sounds sappy but it's true.
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Harrisburg, Pa.:
Your article conveys the doubts and legends circulating among the Iraqi people about Americans. There were those who stated before the war ended that Iraqis would be greeting us with cheers and flowers. Would it be correct to state there is mistrust about the country that now controls their destiny? What, if anything, could Americans do to win greater public support amongst the Iraqi people?
washingtonpost.com: After Shock (Post, Oct. 5)
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: I can say that most of the people I spoke with in Baghdad had a positive view of the Americans when they arrived. They now feel abandoned. I think perhaps if general security, water, electricity and jobs were available to Iraqis, they would feel better about the situation. It's hard to say whether everyone mistrusts the United States, but many do seem to think that the Americans did not kick out Saddam Hussein simply to liberate the Iraqi people. They suspect the U.S. was motivated by something else.yb
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Fredericksburg, Va.:
Kristin - I was very moved by your article - the first two pages seemed like my life - I, too am married to a Marine. By page three, the differences began - if I were writing an article, I'd title it - Returning Home from the War that Wasn't. My husband is one of the very few who didn't get to go to Iraq but was deployed for almost a year because of it. Where your husband has come home calmer, mine has come home bitter, confused, angry and embarrassed that he missed it. Many, many people tell me to be thankful that he was safe - I am the opposite - he deserved to be a part of that - he trained hard, long hours in the desert - missed the birth of both his children because of deployments. I don't know what prompted me to write to you about this except your article was so touching but I also wanted to share the feelings of the families that lived through the war, but didn't. We fight everyday to help our husbands feel like what they were doing was just as important. Thank you so much for sharing your story with the world - the family point of view is often overlooked!
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: As you know, my husband came home feeling like he hadn't really done anything either. I can imagine your husband feels that even more strongly. It does affect their sense of self-worth. It is frustrating when YOU know your spouse worked hard, YOU know their efforts where essential to the mission, but they don't FEEL it. Time helps a lot of things by providing perspective. I know a wife of a Marine whose husband deployed to the first Persian Gulf War, but arrived after the fighting was over. Though in the end he was never in danger, they didn't know that when they said goodbye to each other, so emotionally it felt as if they'd been through a war. It takes a toll, and I imagine your husband and you have paid that same emotional price, and deserve respect for having weathered it.
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Wheaton, Md.:
Ms. Bahrani, did you find that the people of Iraq were now better off under US occupation or do they prefer the brutal, terrorist dictatorship of the Baathists?
washingtonpost.com: After Shock (Post, Oct. 5)
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Nearly all the people I spoke with were greatly relieved to see Saddam Hussein go. These are difficult times for Iraqis. It is really, really hard to be without power, water and to feel generally unsafe. But just about everyone told me they were glad to be rid of the Baathists.
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Nederland, Colo.:
Certainly the removal of Saddam and his government oppression was an absolute good. However, isn't it true that the average adult Iraqi remembers many relative merits of the pre-Sanctions period? According to UNiCeF and other UN reports, pre-Sanctions Iraq enjoyed advanced education, employment, nutrition, health care etc. Is Iraqi frustration, even bitterness at the many privations caused or unremedied by the CPA, not a major concern for security, stability and reconstruction? Why are we so focused on foreign-business contracts and ownership of Iraqi resources when we need to reestablish the best of pre-Sanctions qualities of life?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: The average adult indeed remembers excellent hospitals, education of the pre-sanctions era. But they also recall the paralyzing fear of living under such a regime. I am sure Iraqis want basic services back. But they do also want to do business. I saw lots of people who want foreigners to come to Iraq because they view them as potential customers. yb
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Oak Creek, Wis.:
Good Afternoon Kristin and Yasmine,
First of all I wanted to say Thank You to both of you for the articles. I found them both very helpful and insightful.
My question is for Kristin
This is our first deployment and we have 2 children, I was wondering in your experience with deployments if you have any insight on how the children of the families handle things when their Dad comes home?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: I don't have children of my own, so my answer here is based on what Jennifer told me, the Marine officer's wife in the article. Her three children were incredibly excited. They were talking all over each other, wanting to catch him up on everything in their lives right NOW. During the first few days they were a little extra clingy with him, but other than that things were back to normal pretty quickly. Jennifer said the first night she just had to stand back till the kids had had their time with him and finally collapsed in bed, and then it was finally her turn. But she says that's just part of being a mom. My understanding is that it's also not uncommon for children to react by being a little shy and stand-offish, which can be especially hard for the returning parent, but experts recommend taking your cues from the children. If they're not ready to hug right away, don't push it till they are. They also may test boundaries with the returning parent. I would encourage you to take advantage of the counseling services on base, even if it's just for a little advice. You don't have to wait for a crisis to get some tips.
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Arlington, Va.:
I've been struck by how the U.S. media refers to all attacks against coalition forces as being executed by "Saddam loyalists." Isn't it possible that some of the Iraqi resistance is glad to see Saddam ousted but still resentful enough of being occupied to fight back?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Yes, I do agree that some of the attackers are just plain Iraqi patriots who hate Saddam and the occupiers. It is also highly likely that foreign mercenary types are fighting the Americans. Perhaps the media could focus on those a little more. At the same time, it would be unwise to underestimate the role of the Saddam loyalists. I believe they are responsible for an awful lot of the attacks. yb
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Alexandria, Va.:
Both stories were great. Ms. Henderson, especially yours. People don't understand. My comment comes from having a daughter in the Navy whose battlegroup were the silent ones. E-mail is great, but you can't wipe away the tears, so to keep her going, I wrote a poem for her and shipmates. It was also my way of keeping her safe in my mind. We are proud of her. When they got back, everyone called her a hero-she didn't know why. To see how one parent coped, you can read it if you are interested. Thank you.
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: Every undertaking requires a lot of effort behind the scenes. Your daughter IS heroic -- she left her family for an extended period, she lived on a ship in tight quarters that aren't always the most comfortable, and was on-call for her job 24/7. Plus, we all know from the attack on the USS Cole in Yemen that danger is always out there. A very small number of our fellow citizens sacrifice a lot on behalf of the rest of us.
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Kensington, Md.:
Yasmine, the ending to your article was shocking. What kind of evidence and investigation does the US use before they accuse Iraqis of harboring Saddam? Do they check if they were a member of the Baath Party?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Yes, I was shocked when I found out. I really don't know what evidence, if any, they check. My guess is they check nothing because I know my cousin and his wife had nothing to do with the Baathists. It is very possible that the U.S. soldiers get a tip and act on it immediately, which leaves them no time to check anything. Perhaps they act right away because they want to catch Saddam before he moves to his next hideout. All I know is they have raided several homes of innocent families who would never help Saddam. yb
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Springfield, Va.:
Kristin,
You wrote your husband held in low regard citizens who in his mind, did nothing but wave flags to show thier patrotrism. Are these his feelings for all Americans or just those who he feels have stepped over the line into over the top patrotism, as it may be?
washingtonpost.com: Maneuvers (Post, Oct. 5)
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: I'm sorry if my article implied that my husband doesn't respect those who perhaps didn't know what else to do except wave a flag. What he was really saying in that passage is that because their experience of the war was so different from his, he had difficulty feeling any kind of connection with what they were feeling on July 4. A feeling of alienation is very common among those who return from an experience like war -- it's so completely different from our day-to-day lives here that the returning service member feels like he or she is on a different planet. Neither the flag-waving civilian nor the service member is wrong in what they're doing and feeling... their experiences are just so different it may be hard for them to relate.
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Alexandria, Va.:
I don't really have a question, but would like to commend both authors for this wonderful piece. My brother-in-law is presently 'somewhere in Iraq' and I hope my sister understands what he may be going through when he returns home. I believe there is a support group for spouses in place at the military base where she resides. But an article like yours can really put a person in touch with reality. Oftentimes, we don't really pay much attention to the plight of our soldiers unless we are directly effected, although indirectly we are all effected. I'll be sure to pass it on to my sister.
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: Tell your sister to take advantage of that support group after her husband gets home, too. There's a lot of comfort in knowing you're not alone, you're not weird, and you can walk on through it like the other spouses you see.
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Oak Creek, Wis.:
Kristen- This is the first deployment for our family and we are very unsure of how things will work when they return. You mentioned waiting outside for 4 hours for the buses to arrive. I have heard that they will not be coming home for 4-6 weeks once they come back to the US. I have 2 kids ages 6&7 and I was wondering in your experience is it good since they are not able to leave the post right away that we go to the base when they return? We really want to see him but not if it is going to make it harder for the transition back into our lives. What do you think?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: Boy, that's a hard one. I take it that you and your family live far away from the base where he'll be living and working when he first gets back -- so he's a reservist? My experience has been with Navy and Marine Corps returns, and if your husband is Army they may do things differently. But typically you get word shortly before they return of what day and about what time they'll be back. But it's just a window, so there's always a long wait on the day of arrival. There is nothing like the joy of being there for the moment they get back. But in my experience, the returning service members are only giving a few days off when they return home. Then they have normal work days for awhile before being given extended leave to really take a vacation. The structure of going in to work each day really helps with the transition back to the "real world." Also, while it's great to be there for the initial return, it might be very very hard to say goodbye again right away, even if it's just for another month. Then again, I would think it would be very disappointing for your husband to come back from Iraq and have no one to greet him. One option might be for you to go greet him alone, and save the family reunion for the later date when he's free to be with the family again longterm. Do you have access to a support or counseling system through the military? You might want to run this past a counselor, even it's just on the phone. They could help you sort through the individual needs of your unique children and which option is best for them and you and your husband.
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Vienna, Va.:
Yasmine,
What are the conditions for women.. even now that the country is liberated? I mean, I was a bit jarred by the whole issue of veiling and the idea that you don't that you dishonor your family.
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: The general safety issue has a great deal of impact on women. That is, there are terrible stories of kidnappings and rapes that have made it difficult for them. But Iraqi women have a long history of being in the workforce and holding jobs at all levels of society. So some of them are working regardless of the troublesome times. Physicians are still seeing patients, pharmacists are still filling prescriptions, schoolteachers are teaching etc. Many women I spoke with worry about what kind of government might take over. They worry that if a religious leader takes over, they might lose their independence. The scarf issue is only a big deal if it is imposed. If a woman chooses to wear a scarf, that's her decision.
You mention that that man told me I dishonor my family by not wearing one. That's perfectly okay with me that he said that. He is entitled to his opinion. yb
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Washington, D.C.:
Kristen, your story brought me to tears. I am newly married and am more than likely going to have a baby while my husband is deployed. I'm so conflicted about the whole thing. I love my husband more than anything and am so proud of all he does for his country, but at the same time I want him here for us. Have you ever had any reservations about your husband's military committments? If so, how do you handle them?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: I actually have lots of reservations about my husband's military commitments. I'm a Quaker, a pacifist, and I wrestle with the war and peace issue and my husband's role in it all the time. But I have found a lot of personal peace in focusing one what you said: I love my husband, and I am proud of his service to our country. And I also appreciate how his job has forced me to grow and become stronger and maybe a little wiser in ways I wouldn't have otherwise. I have so much respect for Michelle, the 20-year-old Marine wife in my article who had their baby by herself after her husband deployed. She is a stronger woman than she was before. You know that saying: that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Oh, and one other thing --a good sense of humor helps a lot too!
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Sterling, Va.:
Just a comment - Just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the article. My father was in the military for 25+ years and I remember it like it was yesterday. Especially him leaving. Its a difficult thing to go through especially for a child or spouse. I remember standing there at the base or the airport watching my mother try not to cry and then as soon as he was out of sight the tears would start. I pray that every service man and woman comes home safe to their families.
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: My husband's departure for Iraq was the hardest ever. His battalion left at midnight -- a very dark and unsettling time to say goodbye. Those of us waving goodbye held it together till the buses pulled away. Then a mother standing near me collapsed in her husband's arms and just sobbed. It was heartbreaking. I got in my husband's truck and had to let myself cry before I could drive away. If the people who send others to war could be there for one departure like that one, they would think long and hard before doing it again.
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Arlington, Va.:
Yasmine,
Are Iraqis optimistic about opening up businesses just like your cousin or are most of them upset because they feel that outside investors and businesses will take advantage of the country? What is the outlook for the workforce and economy? Are women also looking into business ventures as well?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Iraqis seemed optimistic to me when I was there. Please remember that I am one person. I did not conduct an official survey or anything. Iraqis definitely want jobs and salaries. I spoke with many who wanted to open up businesses. They had all kinds of ideas that looked promising. And yes, women were hopeful about business possiblities. I saw that Iraqis were annoyed that the occupation authorities were giving deals to Iraqis who had good ties with the Baathists. I did not have the impression that they didn't want foreigners doing business. They just didn't want to be shut out of opportunities. yb
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Milwaukee, Wis.:
Kristen,
Thank you for your insight. I was comforted to know that thinking about the worst and even planning for it somewhat wasn't a horrible thing to do. Reading about how you made some plans made me realize that perhaps I would feel better if my plan was more complete so that I would be prepared if I had to be. I felt guilty for even thinking the worst and how I would handle it so I set those thougts aside and try to just think positive. Thanks again!
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: Yeah, it's important to balance pessimism and optimism. Too much of each is not a good thing. Too much hope sets you up for a big fall, but too much pessimism and it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. But to me, the fear of the worst is like that monster in the closet. If you open the closet and take a good long look at what's inside, it's not so scary anymore. It still may be a closet full of unpleasant things, but at least you know what they are and how to deal with them. Hang in there!
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Arlington, Va.:
Kristin - Your article really affected me emotionally; thank you for writing it. My experience with my husband's deployment to the war was somewhat similar to yours. One experience I've had which your article did not address: I feel strongly that some family and friends were there for me and some were not -- I was pleasantly surprised by some and very disappointed by others. I wonder if you or the other spouses you know feel that this experience has perhaps permanently impacted their relationships outside their marriage?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: I think having a spouse go to war is just like any other traumatic event -- some people are going to know how to handle it and be supportive, and others are going to treat you like you have a communicable disease because they don't know what to say. I had a strange experience during the war. An electrician came to do some work on my house. Somehow the conversation led to my husband, and what he did, and when the man asked if my husband was in Iraq, I said yes. I don't usually volunteer this info because you never know how people will react. Well this guy said, "That is so cool!" Whereas the war was a matter of life and death to me, he was watching the war on TV, and to him it was a big video game. Just protect yourself -- stick to the people you know you can count on. But I also think people can be hurtful out of ignorance or their own uncertainty, and that maybe should be forgiven.
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Washington, D.C.:
Mrs. Henderson, your article was priceless. My fiance has just returned (it was his second deployment) and it is not easy. To boot, we get to go through another trial by way of returns. He is returning to the East Coast from California, and it will be the first time we have lived in the same time zone. I'm a bit worried about dealing with BOTH reunification aspects at once. Any tips?
Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Kristin: Take it slow and easy, keep your expectations low, and communicate very very clearly and directly. Good luck!
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Yasmine Bahrani and Kristin Henderson: Thank you all so much for your very thoughtful and challenging questions. We both learned a lot. Best wishes to everyone!
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