Chatological Humor*

Juggernaut

Gene Weingarten (Richard Thompson - The Washington Post)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This week's poll!

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

Colleagues on Weingarten:

"As for you, Weingarten, get a life. If you exercise every day, and get off the sauce, you will learn Deep Throat's identity, when we want you to know." -- Washington Post Vice President at Large Ben Bradlee

"Interestingly, he doesn't joke about poop in person (at least he never has with me)." -- Former Washington Post columnist Bob Levey

"W. attracts all of us loyal, devoted, strong yet vulnerable, affectionate women who lavish him with attention way beyond what he deserves." -- "I'm With Stupid" co-author Gina Barreca

"The truth is, Weingarten DOESN'T know who Lesley Stahl is. He's that out of it."
"Weingarten's hair is a national disgrace. Seriously his hair is a war crime." -- Washington Post staff writer Joel Achenbach

"The whole world is the butt of Gene's jokes...consider it a form of flattery." -- What's Cooking host Kim O'Donnel

"I do not even acknowledge the fellow columnist to whom you refer: He who shan't be named. I believe I once said he is filth, he is scum. He is... simply the worst thing in the world." -- Washington Post Reliable Source columnist Richard Leiby

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

The continuing adventures of a humor writer:

Last Thursday I was writing my half of an upcoming Gene-Gina column, and found myself in need of information about pantyhose - specifically, how I might describe the type of pantyhose a woman would wear if she was trying to look particularly alluring.

I know nothing about pantyhose, so I started making phone calls. Alas, my wife was in a meeting, Gina was teaching a class, and Pat The Perfect was in transit. This exhausted my usual panel of experts; desperate, I telephoned Ann Taylor's in Washington, asked for a saleslady, and got one.

I explained who I was, what I was writing, and that I needed her help. She said sure.

So, I asked, what sort of pantyhose a woman might wear if she was trying to look really good? The saleslady said, well, probably something ultra sheer, or nude, maybe with a nude toe.

Not fishnet, I asked?

No! She said. She said that Ann Taylor only carried clothing for a modern, sophisticated business type woman.

I said, "Well, I know, you're a classy store and everything, but that's not what I'm really talking about. What if that woman were, like, in a little black cocktail dress, trying to look really, really hot?"

There was a pause on the line, a swift intake of breath. And she said, "I have to go," and hung up!

So, I sat there, trying to figure out what to do. Clearly she thought I was a pervert who liked to talk to women about pantyhose, and not only that, SHE KNEW WHO I WAS. So I weighed the options, carefully balancing my desire to rectify an awkward situation against my natural impulse to commit seditious acts as often and loudly as possible. What I decided to do was call back, ask for her again, apologize profusely if I had made her uncomfortable, explain patiently again that I am professional humorist genuinely in need of information, etc., until I had convinced her. Then I would say, "So, what are you wearing?"

But then I reconsidered. On account of I didn't particularly want police at my door. I just let it go.

I hope you all saw the astounding confluence of idea in the comics on Friday. We link below to Friday's Garfield and Sally Forth. Now, this sort of thing happens from time to time - once, several years ago BC and Blondie both had strips on the same Sunday in which a character was playing golf alone, had a hole in one, and wept because no one else saw it. But this is even weirder, since the ice cube gag is, in one stroke, quirky, convoluted, and dumb.

I discussed this with my friend Tom Scocca, who is the media writer for the New York Observer and one of the most knowledgeable comics critics alive. Tom theorizes that this is not coincidence but lassitude: that this is the result of the scourge of for-hire gag writers. Scocca suspects that one person sold the same gag to two cartoonists, either by mistake or under the assumption that BOTH would never use something that lame.

Elsewhere on the coincidence-or-design front, Scocca believes I was na?ve in thinking Johnny Hart is unaware of the implications of suggesting that BC was set in some post-apocalyptic future. He remembers some strips two years ago where the characters discover an old bible in a cave (a poster last week referred to this) and thinks last week's reference to 2004 as the distant past was a deliberate escalation of the idea. I'm still not sure, and am taking investigative measures to resolve this important issue, for you, the reader.


The first question in today's poll is the opposite of last week's - you are being asked to discriminate among varying degrees of true excellence, exploring my pet contention that humor is objective, and quantifiable. But question two is the important one. As always, I will reveal the right answers three-quarters through the chat.

Any of the four comics in the poll could have been the POW, but I'll go with Saturday's Speed Bump, instead. A good week, all in all.

Oh, and by the way, I can't forebear mentioning that there is a woman's pro softball team named "The New York - New Jersey Juggernaut." You KNOW a guy named that team.

Let's go.

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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week:
Speed Bump, (July 10)

Mentioned above:
Sally Forth, (July 9) | Garfield, (July 9)

Vote in this week's poll.

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Richmond, Va.: I am so happy. I struggled not to skip to the end of Sunday's column, and was rewarded... as was my lively seven year old lab. When you consider the loss of your dog, you appreciate the panting-in-your-face in the morning, the poop in the treads of your shoes, and the dog hair in the glovebox/kitchen sink/air conditioner returns? Anyway, I'll be a little more understanding when he protests his diet, and a little more compassionate when I see my son standing on him, and a little more generous on his birthday this year.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: A Death in the Family, (Post Magazine, July 11)

Gene Weingarten: Yes, thank you. Many posts about this column. For the benefit of the many people who emailed me with commisseration, as a public service I would like to announce:

MY
DOG
DID
NOT
DIE
HE
IS
STILL
ALIVE
SITTING
NEXT
TO
ME
RIGHT
NOW.

A half dozen emails didn't get it. I asked one of them how he could have thought I was writing about the death of my dog, and he said, "well, I read the headline, looked at the illustration, decided your dog had died, and couldn't bear to read about it."

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Arlington, Va.: All of the coverage of the Olympic trials has me wondering: What is the funniest Olympic event?

Gene Weingarten: I don't think anything comes close to synchronized swimming, in the summer oly. But the funniest of all is curling. Chasing teapots with brooms.

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Falls Church, Va.: I really enjoyed your column this past Sunday because the whole time I was reading it I was thinking, "Man, it's gotta be the dog because he is being so sentimental," but then at the end it turns out it was the car instead. That was a hoot.

Gene Weingarten: Interesting point. Yes, I intended it to be a lingering mystery, though every columnist who read it knew from the tenth word where I was going.

Think about it -- if my dog had died, would I have written it that way? I would not have writ about my car. The way it was, it would only work if the punchline was a relief, not a disappointment.

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Gregorsam, SA: Oh, this a beaut. As regards patronyms appropriate to one's occupation: Who is the U.S. Navy spokesman who tells the government's side of stories like Guantanamo detainees, the U.S. Navy computer server named "gestapo," the U.S. Navy pilot shot down 13 years ago over Iraq in Bush War I and possibly still alive?

Lt. Mike Kafka.

Google.

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Washingtoon: So, you said you were going to see "Fahrenheit 9/11." Did you? Tell us what to think.

Gene Weingarten: I have, in fact, seen it. I basically liked it. But it occurred to me that the dialogue over this movie has been all wrong. Journalists and others are earnestly debating its truth, its fairness, etc. It's been meticulously vetted by fact weenies, who have found it wanting. Well, they are all seriously misunderestimating the movie.

This movie, despite its marketing claims, is not a "documentary." A documentary strives for some sort of balance, and this strives for no balance whatsoever. And it is only when you jettison that misleading label that you can appreciate it for what it is.

Michael Moore is an immature jerk, and the movie reflects that. He is also a wild-eyed partisan, an unapologetic polemicist, and a willing distorter of facts, and the movie reflects all that. He is also a funny guy, and the movie reflects that. Watching it is like watching a very articulate, screamingly funny street lunatic rail from a soapbox in front of the White House. You don't believe everything he says, but you ain't going nowhere until he is finished, and sometimes you walk away thinking you picked up something of value.

Moore would have better served himself to stay away from his loony conspiracy theories, and he injures himself dreadfully when he spends the first fifteen minutes sullenly, sore-loserishly trying to argue that Bush stole the election and shouldn't be president. (No one stole the election. We all know what happened: It was a tie, and someone had to win pronto or the republic would have collapsed, and the supreme court stepped in and made a decision. Sure, it was a nakedly political decision, but so was Tilden-Hayes. So, for that matter, was Jefferson-Burr. Naked politics is what happens when there is a tie, and naked politics is, by its nature full-frontal pornography.)

However, what is left when you trashcan all the silliness is a movie that is extremely entertaining -- heart-wrenching in parts, and really funny in parts. It's a major emotional whipsaw, and it works. At one point, Moore learns that many congressmen passed the Patriot Act without having read it, so he pays an ice cream vendor to borrow his truck, and drives in circles around the Capitol, reading the Patriot Act out over its loudspeaker. That, friends, is very funny.

Republicans are howling that the movie is unfair, and they are right. But they don't have to worry. Everyone who sees this movie has his mind made up, already. And everyone who won't see it has his mind made up, too. That's the problem.

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Columbia, Md.: Just saw "Fahrenheit 911;" still reeling (hah hah). My question: the only joke Dubya seems to be able to tell is the pitifully revealing one about the "haves" and "have mores" at a fundraising dinner. Do you think he has any sense of humor at all?

What does it say about someone who is unable to laugh at himself, but smirks and preens in front of the camera?

Harrison & Tremont

Gene Weingarten: Harrison and Tremont?

I do believe this might be Shari, my second-grade squeeze.

How you doin?

Several years ago, during the last presidential primary season, I ambushed all 8 candidates with one question: What's the funniest thing about running for president. They all tried, and most succeeded, in being at least a little funny (Al Gore was the best)except Bush, who had to turn to an aide for help.

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It's fun to be at the YM, CA: Do you ever find Ted Rall funny? I think his drawing style is annoying, and his strips seem much more bitter lately. I have no problem with political commentary in the comics, but I do have a problem with poorly drawn strips that lack humor.

Gene Weingarten: Richard Thompson and I, as the judges, gave Rall the RFK award a few years ago. He is brilliant, and can be very funny, but for years has been choking on his own bile.

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Last Week's Opus....: Was it really the new character you liked, or was it the smoldering nun that caught your fancy? Being one who went to Catholic school for 12 years, it was the smoldering nun that caused it to adorn my fridge.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, definitely the smoldering nun. I didn't mean to suggest otherwise.

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Washington, D.C.: It is a commonplace occurrence that, during the summer, when it's vacation season, newspaper columnists get lazy and write about any old nonsense that happened to them that week, no matter how trivial. For instance, Howard Kurtz recently wrote about his personal struggles with calling customer-service phone lines, and Steven Pearlstein drew lots of serious business-section lessons from the struggles of a convenience store in Martha's Vineyard. Does your Sunday column fall into that category?

Gene Weingarten: Watch. I'll be calling those 800-numbers pretty soon.

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New York, N.Y.: What was Al's response?

Gene Weingarten: Al was the only one I didn't talk to in person. He said, "The funniest thing about running for president is one-question interviews." Then, I said, "What's funny about that?" and he said, "That's a second question!" and hung up.

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Alexandria, Va.: Ted Kennedy has a dog named Splash. I'm stunned. Is his other one named Bridge?

Gene Weingarten: This is in reference to Mark Leibovich's excellent Teddy story in today's Style.

I have to say this: No, Splash cannot be coincidence, and yes, Teddy must have a hell of a sense of humor.

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My Mazda 323: I have a 1990 Mazda 323 with 116,000 miles on it (I had a very short commute for seven years), and like your dearly departed model, mine came absolutely stripped with no AC and no power anything. Biggest problem with it has been the exhaust system -- have had to replace the muffler and various exhaust pipes several times. Otherwise runs great. Hoping it will last a few more years until we can afford a Prius.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, the exhaust failed ever 20K or so. True.

Here is the pathetic truth: The car died, and I have yet to get rid of it. I bought a new generic-type piece a crap (honda civic) and the old car is still in front of my house, unused.

I cannot bring myself to lose it. This ranks with the crazed lunatic neurotic behavior from two chats back.

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Teddy K: Splash is a Portuguese water dog and named after his breed, not Chappaquiddick.

Gene Weingarten: And you think the coincidence never occurred to Teddy?????

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Silver Spring, Md.: The 2000 election wasn't a tie. More people voted for Gore, but our electoral system -- developed by people who weren't 100 percent enthused about popular democracy -- is based on a winner-take-all-in-each-state system, and Bush got more electoral votes. The Florida recount was not about who got more popular votes, just who would get Florida's electoral votes. My Brazilian wife thinks our system is dumb. She doesn't understand.

Gene Weingarten: Our system is not dumb. Consider this: If we didn't have an electoral vote system, you would have had Floridas happening in nearly every state.

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Michael Mo, OR: Why is Moore screamingly funny while others on political holy missions are screamingly unfunny, like "Mallard Fillmore" and the Christian themes in "B.C.?"

Gene Weingarten: Um, because Moore IS funny, and they are not.

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New York, N.Y.: I always thought Al got a bum rap in the media. He spoke at my graduation and made several very funny jokes delivered with excellent timing. Wasn't stiff or without personality at all.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, no. He is quite witty. And arrogant about it. That showed in his answer to me.

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washingtonpost.com: Vote in this week's poll

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Fahrenhe, IT, 91101: Wow. That was one of the most cogent explanations of any movie I have ever read.

Poop.

Q.

Gene Weingarten: It might not be RIGHT, but it sounded good. That's the trick.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, does an aptonym have to be a person's name? If not, I think this could work:

Bethesda (AP) - A suspicious fire destroyed a vacant house in Bethesda early Saturday morning, amid claims by the home's owner that firefighters didn't do all they could to save the property.

The home in the 9100 block of Charred Oak Drive burned to the ground just after midnight.

At least eight other fires have occurred there in the last two years. Neighbors said the home had been an eyesore.

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHAHA. Superior!

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Juggernaut: The editor in chief of my college newspaper loved the word juggernaut. And the editor was a girl. She would totally name a team "Juggernaut." And now I'm amusing myself by repeating "juggernaut." Juggernaut juggernaut juggernaut.

Gene Weingarten: And she would do so understanding the entendre?

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Arlington, Va.: The problem in Florida was not the electoral system or the Supreme Court, but the thousands of disenfranchised (black) voters.

How this hasn't been a huge huge story is mind boggling.

Gene Weingarten: Well, Moore focused on this for many minutes.

There were also all the old Jews in Palm Beach county who accidentally voted for Buchanan, a Nazi.

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Washington, D.C.: The Post put the White House salary list online today. Is it funny that the whole world now knows that Correspondence Analyst Carla Rime is -- by far -- the lowest paid person in the White House?
I think it is.

washingtonpost.com: White House Staff Salary List

Gene Weingarten: Yes, it is Carla. Something should be done about it.

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CPOW: "Frazz" on 7/8? I think the funniest thing about it is he managed to convey a sound by the way he wrote "pootered" in the 3rd frame.

washingtonpost.com: Frazz, (July 8)

Gene Weingarten: I think the funniest thing about it is the last balloon.

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D.C.-ish: I need PtheP's assistance. My associate and I have a friendly argument, which could become deadly if not dealt with. I will not tell you which position is mine so as to avoid any prejudice:
Is it proper to use contractions thusly:
"The bear's hungry."
"Bill's going to the store."
"Frank's pretty angry." ?

Now I know that sort of thing is acceptable with pronouns, but what about nouns? I await your response.
-Confused in the Capitol.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I was going to say that Pthep is unnecessary, but I realized I'm not sure of the answer.

Pthep?

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Dogville, M2: I was not going to be with you today as I thought it would be a sad talk about your dead dog and I couldn't take it. I also looked at the headline and the picture and thought your dog had died and I couldn't read about it!; I couldn't not look in today to see what was said (although I tried for 15 mins.) and I am really relieved your dog is not dead!; What is wrong with me?

Gene Weingarten: It's pretty weird, but you are not alone.

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Laurel, Md.: Did Hart sink to another new low Thursday?

If, say, Patsis, had used this joke, I would assume there's some subtle level of meta-humor here about setting up a joke that's too obviously lame to even consider using, and then telling it. But with Hart, it's like "You know, 'listless' could be interpreted to mean 'lacking a list' HaHaHaHa."

Gene Weingarten: This cartoon was so stunningly stupid, I actually asked someone if I was missing something.

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Question for the Empress: I have a question I'm hoping you can pass on to the Style Invitational Empress. For week 566, I'm assuming it is okay to put the two-word Google search in quotes in order to come up with the single result. Could you please verify this for me? Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Hm. Dunno. Any Empresses out there?

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New York, N.Y.: Regarding today's poll. Letters can be funny on their own, but in context letters are usually much funnier. For instance, H and S are not particularly funny letters in their own right, but when Sesame Street was brought to you by the letters S, H and the number 2 (as actually happened) they become very funny indeed.

washingtonpost.com: Less talk, more voting.

Gene Weingarten: Did Sesame Street really do that? Shades of Soupy Sales.

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Gene Weingarten: Is anyone old enough to remember Soupy, and the dirty stuff he used to sneak into his kid show?

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Teddy K didn't name the dog: It was his brother's dog and somebody gave it to him. You know, just like his Seante seat.

Gene Weingarten: That;s even better. He was ambushed.

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Washington, D.C.: In the past, you have presented a strong and articulate argument for why women should not change their names when they marry. I was very impressed with your stance and couldn't agree more.

BUT I noticed that your son's last name is Weingarten. Does your daughter have your last name, too? How did you and your wife decide on the children's last names?

It's stunning to me how many women keep their own names when they marry, but then assume that the kids will have the father's last name without even thinking twice about it.

What do you think?

Gene Weingarten: We never even discussed the last name alternative, I think because both sets of grandparents would have been horrified. We should have. My wife has a much better last name than I do.

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Rockville, Md.: Gene, you are a super-genius, so riddle me this: what is the term for when a brand name becomes the shorthand word for a whole bunch of products? Like Kleenex, or Xerox, or Jell-O? I think it might be two words, marketing something?

Poo-ooh-ooh-ooh-oop

Gene Weingarten: I don't know, but I do know that a key U.S. Supreme Court case establishing a limited right to the use of such names involved the produce Cell-o-phane, which sued to prevent the name from becoming a generic term, and lost.

This is one sophisticated chat.

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Olney, Md.: Gene, I nominate this for Comic POTW:

"Daily Probe Substitute Courtroom Sketch Artist Bil Keane Covers the Hussein Trial"

Gene Weingarten: Not bad.

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Pearls Before Swine: Hey, I'm going to the Dumb Guys Convention, too. I leave for Boston in a few days.

Gene Weingarten: haha.

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Bad For, ME: Gene, no fair!; The poll vote is clearly skewed, with the most accurate choice (O,S,P,T) not offered because the answers don't spell a word, amusing or otherwise. For shame, Gene, for shame. All must struggle against cartoon tyranny!;

Gene Weingarten: You have to choose the best of all choices. Obviously.

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Dead Doggies: Recently, word got around our office that our colleague's Pomeranian died. No one gave a crap. Two weeks later, another colleague's Golden Retriever died, and we all pitched in for flowers. And I think that's VERY funny!;

Gene Weingarten: What's your point? A dead pomeranian is like a dead goldfish, or, you know, um, cat.

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Teddy K's Dog: Actually, the dog's full name is "Just a Splash, On the Rocks."

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

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Arlington, Va.: I remember reading about a Kukla, Fran and Ollie bit where they were doing the alphabet and the puppet kept saying "K" for "F" and Fran (or Ollie) got exasperated and said, "Everytime I say 'F,' you see 'K'," and when I went to share this with my parents, I got in big-time trouble.

Gene Weingarten: KUKLA FRAN AND OLLIE DID THIS?

Soupy once asked kids what word began with f and and ended with uck. The answer was firetruck.

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Gen, X: Who's Soupy Sales?

Q!;

Gene Weingarten: Liz, could you link to a pic?

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One woman's perspective on stockings: Patterned stockings of any kind are ugly -- not sexy. All they do is make a woman's legs look diseased.

You're welcome.

washingtonpost.com: I don't agree. Fishnets rock when done right.

Gene Weingarten: wait a minute. Liz, you wear fishnet stockings AND NO PANTS?

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll answers:

Question One is tough. My feeling is that Pickles is possibly the weakest of the four, because it is a little telegraphed, and the "busting out all over" trope is a cliche. So, working backwards, that leaves POST or SPOT as the right answer. I think Speed Bump is a little funnier than MG&G, so SPOT is my answer.

As to the Rall cartoon, there are only two possible answers: Something cannot be funny just because it is politically on the mark. Nor can something be unfunny just because it contains an offensive word or image (though having an offensive image or word can raise the bar, and require something to be REALLY funny to justify itself.) So the correct answer would have to be either that this is funny because it makes you laugh, or it is unfunny because it is heavy-handed.

The second choice is correct. This strip is awful. First off, the use of the n-word IS offensive, and the sentiment behind it is appalling; is it fair to suggest that any black person who happens to be aligned with a conservative administration is an Uncle Tom? But the real point here is that this strip is all anger and outrage, and no humor, subtlety, creativity, insight, pith, wisdom, etc. Compare and contrast with Sunday's Doonesbury. Liz, can you link to Sunday's Doones?

Lastly, W is the funniest letter. I admit a case can be made for each of them. P and F for legitimate reasons of scatology, and Q because it looks funniest. But W is funniest at its heart, because of its very identity. It would be as though the letter A was named "Funny Little Hat with Crossbar."

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washingtonpost.com: Soupy Sales

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Get Fuz, ZY: Gene:

I hate what you've done to "Get Fuzzy." I can't read it anymore without thinking what a poor sick guy Rob is.

Please tell us you were wrong!

-- No pets with whom to talk

Gene Weingarten: A few people have pointed out that Rob does have a friend who appears once in a while.

Sorry, but no. The friend is all a figment. This is a solipsistic strip. Rob is in a straitjacket, in an institutions somewhere, and this is all happening in his head. He probably murdered his mom, and kept her body in the attic.

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Richmond, Va.: Now that Tom Ridge has let the cat out of the bag, with his declaration that because the terrorists are going to try to disrupt the November elections -- just don't ask him for details -- and he's asked the DOJ to figure out how to cancel the November elections, don't you think the Bushies should just set the Capitol on fire, blame it on the, uh, "terrorists," and declare W. to be President-for-life, and be done with it?

washingtonpost.com: Election Day Worries, (Newsweek)

Gene Weingarten: Marinus van der Lubbe, where are you now?

I am pretty sure this post is funny, and not scary. Pretty sure.

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washingtonpost.com: FYI, Snopes.com claims to debunk the fact that Soupy Sales snuck smutty jokes into his show... complete w/ quotes from the man himself, denying he said them. Snopes.com: Soupy Sales

Gene Weingarten: You know, I was WORRIED this might be apocryphal, except I remember watching soupy and seeing some stuff.

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Losing rights to a "common" name: "Trademark Dilution" I believe is the term.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, thankew.

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Riverdale: I spent five minutes assuming there must be a Christian message buried in that "Listless" comic but couldn't find one.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, exactly. Me, too. No, it was just thunderously dum.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: no, please do not use quotation marks in your Google search. I am told that it produces a vastly narrower set of results. You might get a unique hit that way that would produce a thousand hits had you not used quotes.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Excellent. The definitive answer.

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washingtonpost.com: Doonesbury, (July 11)

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Last na, ME: Gene,
Just wanted to let you know that my sister kept her name when she got married, and they decided to alternate the kids' last names. They flipped to see who who go first, and she won. Grandparents were less horrified than mystified, and even members of our side of the family address letters to my niece with my brother-in-law's last name. She is 1.5 years, so we have yet to see how this will affect her.

Gene Weingarten: The alternative is hyphenating names, which is often hilarious. My friend Ruth Hochberger married Martin Flumenbaum. They briefly considered hyphenation, and then saner heads prevailed.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, I come to you not as a humorist but as a clock enthusiast. I hope that extends to watches, because I have a huge problem. My 104-year-old great grandmother has asked me to get her father's pocket watch up and running again so she can give it to my younger brother as a gift when he gets his masters degree. It is still intact but the stem to wind it just spins rather than clicking. The problem is that the thing is at least 150 years old and the two jewelers I've taken it to so far have refused to even touch it because it is so old. She has her heart set on it working again and I'd like to come through on this. Hopefully you can steer me in the right direction.

Gene Weingarten: Edward Compton at Ecker's Clock and Watch Shop in Bethesda. This guy should be paying me finder's fees.

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Your dog: See, I wouldn't be able to write that article, worrying that Fate would be cruel and my dog would die soon...

Gene Weingarten: I don't believe in fate, so I don't believe it can be tempted. And, listen, Harry is 12 years old. One way or another, he WILL be dying soon.

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Lansing, Mich.: Ted Rall may be a bitter man, but he's screamingly funny in person. Also, he's the only person I know who has rolled two taxicabs.

Gene Weingarten: He drives a cab????

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Speed Bump: S is the least funny!;!; You exposing your lack of objectivity for lame, stupid dog jokes.

Gene Weingarten: "I am the ringworm bearer" is a very funny line. Sorry.

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Err, OR: You are wrong. "Pearls" was funniest and therefore the solution must obtain beginning with "O." The little addition of Lola makes it funny. But poop and worms are pretty good, too.

Gene Weingarten: Lola is the killer line there, yes. Though it should have been a different girl's name, an unambiguous one. Lola has connotations that hurts this joke, a little bit.

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Washington, D.C.: Where do you get your hair cut?

Gene Weingarten: Randolph Cree.

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Arlington, Va.: "P" makes the funniest words. "Pork" is funnier than fork, quark, or work. "Piddle" is funnier than fiddle, whittle, or acquittal. "Panda" is funnier than Fanta, Qantas, or Wanda. "Peen" (as in ball-peen hammer) is funnier than fiend, queen, or wean. Etc., etc.

Gene Weingarten: Fork is pretty funny, though. I will admit pork is funnier. You make an interesting point. I shall research it, and perhaps write a monograph on the subject.

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Toledo, Ohio: Thanks for the Doones link. Not only did it remind me of Sunday's very-funny strip, but then I progressed to reading TODAY's strip, which my local paper replaced with a re-run. Any idea how many other newspapers fled from today's Doonesbury?

Gene Weingarten: I dunno. Liz, can we link to today's? It is very good.

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Arlington, Va: So are we going to have to endure another sappy column when your dog dies? And just how did your car die anyway? I think you just got soft and wanted a new car...

Gene Weingarten: My car is 13 years old and needed $1500 worth of work. I concluded it was not worth that. And, as I said, I have yet to release. I am in the "bargaining" stage of grief.

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washingtonpost.com: Doonesbury, (July 13). Anything else?

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Re: Hyphenation: My friend Beth Kirsch married Alvin Platt, and they're hyphenating their child's last name. Perhaps the baby was an accident.

Gene Weingarten: Oddly, I knew a girl named Ricki Kirschblatt.

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"Fork": My junior year of college, the dining halls changed to forks with only three prongs; and in that year's class elections a major issue was prohibiting the use of "threeks" in the campus food service contract.

Gene Weingarten: I like that.

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Washington, DC: The reason why "I am the ringworm bearer" cannot be funny is because at no point during a wedding ceremony does the ring bearer identify himself. Therefore, it is ridiculous to have him saying it to the wedding party.

Gene Weingarten: This is, frankly, the nerdiest analysis of humor imaginable.

And on that note, I am gone. Next week, same time.

And again:

MY DOG IS NOT DEAD.

Thank you.

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