Join us now for another rendition of "Ask Mister Language Person," the only grammar column mentioned by name in the Bible, as well as the official grammar column of the American Association of English Teachers in the Staff Lounge Counting the Days Until Retirement.
We begin today with a disturbing escalation in the trend of coffee retailers giving stupid names to cup sizes. As you know, this trend began several years ago when Starbucks (motto: "There's one opening right now in your basement") decided to call its cup sizes "Tall" (meaning "not tall," or "small"), "Grande" (meaning "medium") and "Venti" (meaning, for all we know, "weasel snot"). Unfortunately, we consumers, like moron sheep, started actually using these names. Why? If Starbucks decided to call its toilets "AquaSwooshies," would we go along with that? Yes! Baaa!
But it's getting worse. Recently, at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport and Death March, Mister Language Person noticed that a Starbucks competitor, Seattle's Best Coffee (which also uses "Tall" for small and "Grande" for medium) is calling its large cup size -- get ready -- "Grande Supremo." Yes. And, as Mister Language Person watched in horror, many customers -- seemingly intelligent, briefcase-toting adults -- actually used this term, as in, "I'll take a Grande Supremo."
Listen, people: You should never, ever have to utter the words "Grande Supremo" unless you are addressing a tribal warlord who is holding you captive and deciding whether to chop off your feet. Just say you want a large coffee, people. Because if we let the coffee people get away with this, they're not going to stop, and some day, just to get a lousy cup of coffee, you'll hear yourself saying, "I'll have a Mega Grandissimaximo Giganto de Humongo-Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong decaf." And then you will ask for the key to the AquaSwooshie.
And when that happens, people, the terrorists will have won.
Okay! Let's move on to our first language question, submitted by a regular person just like you, except that you actually exist.
Q. What is the correct usage of the semicolon?
A. The semicolon is used to create a needed pause in a sentence.
Wrong: "Okay, Bob, let's move this piano downstairs no wait wait noooo owwww."
Right: "Okay, Bob, let's move this piano downstairs, no, wait quick stick a semicolon in there; good catch, Bob, man, that was close."
Q. What is the difference between "advice" and "advise?"
Grammatorically, "advice" is a platonic depredation used in exculpatory phrases, as in:
"My lawyer advices me that I don't know nothing about no grenade launcher." Whereas "advise" is used in all other cases, such as: "My advise is, stop taunting them constrictors."
Q. How stupid is the GMC slogan "We are professional grade"?
