True to its word, the NFL delivered a family friendlier Super Bowl halftime show, featuring the, er, venerable Paul McCartney. Although we still expect the FCC to slam Fox for exposing millions of impressionable kids to a sexagenarian. And while it's understandable if disappointing that Sir Paul didn't break out a rousing rendition of "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?," we were left wondering who could deliver some of his other Beatles classics.
"Hello Goodbye," Sammy Sosa: Likens his split from the Cubs to a divorce. Except somehow the Orioles ended up with child custody.
"We Can Work It Out," Daunte Culpepper: Gives expensive jewelry to a disabled teenager, then decides to ask for the items back. In his defense, Culpepper explained that he once saw a fan at Lambeau Field pull off a similar stunt.
"You Won't See Me," Art Monk: Passed over yet again for the Hall of Fame. Ever-thoughtful Dan Snyder sets up a 900 number for Redskins fans who want to vent their outrage.
"That Means A Lot," Dan Marino: Meantime, Dolphins legend waltzes into Canton. However, Hall officials chose to give him the news by e-mail, leaving Marino wondering why he never got a ring.
"Come and Get It," Jose Canseco: Says in new book that he introduced several Texas Rangers, including Rafael Palmeiro, to performance-enhancing drugs. So apparently we have him to blame for those Viagra ads.
"I'm Down," Mike Krzyzewski: Collapses while talking to a referee. Krzyzewski quickly got up but later said he still wasn't quite over the shock of seeing a call go against Duke at home.
"Sure to Fall," Cory Spinks: Despite having Nelly in his corner, welterweight is pummeled by Zab Judah. On the bright side, at least Spinks won't have any problem finding a few Band-Aids.
"Helter Skelter," Sally Anthony: ABA team owner fires coach on court, yells at players and then heads to the hospital, leaving a rudderless team fraught with seething bitterness and clashing personalities. Rumors indicate that Phil Jackson might be interested.
"Getting Better," Jose Guillen: In first public appearance as a Nat, erratic outfielder promises to become "a political man" in Washington. As a first step, he dipped his finger in pine tar and vowed to privatize all future appearances.
"Searchin'," Gary Williams: Reveals that three Terps were ill with the flu before disastrous loss to Clemson. Not surprising to hear that they missed their shots.
"Like Dreamers Do," Richard Hamilton: Gets sponsorship deal to fashion his braids into the design of a tire tread. Which is odd, because Larry Brown seems to be the one constantly spinning.
"Tell Me What You See," Geraldo Rivera: Vows to shave off his mustache if Michael Jackson is found guilty. We certainly can't think of a better way to show support for Jackson than by radically altering one's appearance.
Benched: Rudy T., Jamal Lewis, Suge Knight, Emmitt Smith, the Knicks, ankle reportage.