(I once saw a Duke player, on a snowmobile, plow into a family of six crossing a street -- the family of six was ticketed for jaywalking.)
Duke gets all the calls.
Duke's J.J. Redick is only a junior, but it seems as if he's been playing for the Blue Devils (and tormenting Maryland fans) for quite some time.
(Jonathan Newton -- The Washington Post)
(If Martha Stewart had played for Duke, she wouldn't have done jail time, she would've been second team all-ACC.)
And don't get me started on the Duke student body. I have a message for those spoiled, arrogant Cameron Crazies: You all might get the better jobs -- yeah, like Daddy didn't help -- but me and my buddies get the better used stereo equipment.
Sure, I'm just a University of Maryland graduate -- Class of '81, without honors -- with a double major in American studies and parking tickets. Yes, we read while moving our lips and count using our fingers. And occasionally we've produced a journalist who, well, kind of makes stuff up. But we've never produced the likes of the unintentionally hilarious prose of Duke alum John Feinstein, the best-selling sports author who pens most of his books on the backs of carryout menus.
(Feinstein's latest is a basketball novel, "Last Shot: A Final Four Mystery." Here's an excerpt from page 79: "The door closed. She was right again. He knew he wouldn't sleep at all. There was just much too much to think about. And worry about." I assume the text is loosely translated from another language.)
Anyway, here is a list of schools I'd select for the NCAA tournament before Duke: Cal Poly-SLO, Colorado School of Mines, Culinary Institute of America, Faber College, Bristol University, School of Hard Knocks, McDonald's Hamburger University.
Of course, Duke made the field of 65 again. The Blue Devils' inexorable road to the Final Four begins Friday -- I just sent a check for $50,000 to their first opponent, Delaware State.
Ask The Slouch
Q. My husband says "The Contender" on NBC is his "guilty pleasure," but I tell him it's just stupid. Are you with me or him on this one? (Sue Ketchum; McKeesport, Pa.)
A. Actually, my TiVo has a new, built-in quality control device that prevents me from recording "The Contender."
Q. How come nobody in baseball wants to come to Washington on Thursday to testify before Congress about steroids? (Bob Crosse; Elyria, Ohio)
A. Well, for one thing, the cherry blossoms won't be in full bloom for another couple of weeks.
Q. How deep into this Super Bowl ticket business do you think Vikings Coach Mike Tice is? (Ken Lane; Beckley, W.Va.)
A. Hello? Tice went to Maryland. Heck, we have an entire academic department there devoted to scalping.
Q. Were you or the Matador or your ex-wives recently in Whitelaw, Wis.? Found an empty case of Rolling Rock, several broken hearts and one diamond on roadside. (Jerome J. Bolle; Whitelaw, Wis.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. E-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!