On the subject of the Wizards, it's hard to know where to begin -- with their hot new Pimp-Daddy Dating Service, with their brawl with the Bulls or with Kwame Brown's ruminations on the existential Darko.
Gee, Tony, why don't we go with a) their hot new Pimp-Daddy Dating Service?
Okay then, presenting LaSooz's "Get The Hook-Up With The Wizards 5-Game Plan," in which, according to LaSooz, "We're going to make it easy for people to meet people."
And you know what they say: People, people who meet people -- especially at a Wizards game -- are the luckiest people in the world.
Because they have something to distract them from the repeated losing.
LaSooz's "Singles Nights" are designed to make it possible for everybody in the arena, not just Antawn Jamison, to be a "Big-Time Scorer."
The Singles Nights will feature "speed dating" (Good thing Kevin Duckworth and John Williams are no longer here; the only speed they ever showed was to the buffet) and "breaking the ice" (Darn, where are the Caps when you need them?). LaSooz will sit men in odd-numbered seats, and women in even-numbered seats -- and hope romance takes wing. Maybe there'll be special seats set aside and named the "Who's Your Baby Daddy?" section. Maybe Shawn Kemp can sponsor them.
What should we call this 21st-century matchmaking? "Foulez With Les Boulez?" Or "Boulez-Vous Couchez Avec Hughes?"
LaSooz says it's perfectly safe.
"There's no bigger risk than . . . picking up someone at the fruits and vegetables department at Giant," she said.
The fruits and vegetables department at Giant is a hot spot? Who knew? I thought you weren't supposed to touch the melons.
LaSooz said the marketing staff was prompted by thinking, "How can we get people to try the Wizards?"
Get people to try the Wizards? You mean, like breakfast cereal?
(Um, how about winning?)