Odd Twosomes, One Big Mismatch

BLOOMFIELD TOWNSHIP

Lots of people deserve credit for Europe's glory in this 35th Ryder Cup, starting with Sergio Garcia, Lee Westwood, Padraig Harrington and Darren Clarke, who have been helped toward their combined 12-2-2 match record by the savvy captaincy of Bernhard Langer.

As for the Americans here at Oakland Hills who have been caught swinging golf clubs under false pretenses, the guiltiest of impersonating world-class golfers have been Tiger Woods, Davis Love III and Jim Furyk, who'll have to bear the weight of their 2-9 match record on these first two days.

However, this event could never have become what it is -- a gruesome, comic catastrobacle whose final round might as well be canceled on account of embarrassment -- without the inspired work of American's team captain.

In the annals of stupid, Hal Sutton has broken new ground. You could say "stupidity," but that would be grammatical.

Sutton is one of the most entertaining, likable, competitive men in U.S. golf as well as a gritty Ryder Cup player himself. And he's not actually dumb. But he can't coach. Not a lick. He can take his'n and lose to your'n or take your'n and lose to his'n. In fact, Hal can take his'n, even if they're way better'n your'n, and still take a bodacious two-day 11-5 whoppin'.

Hindsight is wonderful. But maybe we should have known that a man whose nickname is Halimony, because of his three ex-wives, might not be the world's best matchmaker. Where he sees "karma," everybody else sees "ka-boom!" For example, Sutton paired Woods and Phil Mickelson together Friday. Twice. This is like hooking up with Dick Cheney and Colin Powell on the first tee at Burning Tree and saying, "You guys are on the same team. Why don't you just play together?"

After Woods played spectacularly with his childhood buddy Chris Riley for a 4-and-3 win on Saturday morning, Sutton figured he would match Love with Tiger. They lost, 4 and 3.

The list of Halaciously bad decisions seems endless, but sending out 50-year-old Jay Haas to play his third match -- 54 holes -- within a 24-hour span probably took the cake. Haas and Chris DiMarco got the Americans' lone win on Friday and staggered to a halve Saturday morning. But Haas was already running on rims and fumes. Sutton couldn't see it. He never let Kenny Perry play at all Saturday and kept Stewart Cink on the pine, too, so he could gamble on Haas. He and DiMarco sank so fast they didn't leave a slick and lost, 5 and 4.

When Sutton slaps you on the back, grabs you around the neck and says, "Have I got the partner for you," at least you know you won't have to play those nasty last three holes at Oakland Hills. Your match will be over by then.

As for the obvious pairings, why use them? In the '02 Ryder Cup, Mickelson and David Toms were America's best team. Finally, on Saturday afternoon -- three matches too late -- Sutton sent them out together. They beat the European so bad, 4 and 3, they could've spent time between shots spelling "Take That Hal" in a fairway bunker for the blimp camera to pick up.

On Saturday, we got our final Sutton Moment. The captain wanted to rush to the 17th tee to give one of his teams some valuable advice. But, instead, he couldn't get there. Because he had no golf cart. He had decided to spend the whole day walking the course, something no Ryder Cup captain has done since the invention of the internal combustion engine and/or electricity.

"I couldn't get there fast enough on foot," Sutton said. But, Hal, what were you doing walking everywhere in the first place? "I wanted to show 'em how much I cared," he said. By showing them your bunions?

Could a competent U.S. captain who merely did the obvious and didn't insist on being in the center of everything, calling team meetings, wearing a cowboy hat, bragging about his players before they had hit a shot, have changed the outcome of this match?