Sarah Zapolsky of Alexandria posted a note on the list to create a play group for her 8-month-old son. She found a group of people who lived within several blocks of her home, all with first kids within three weeks of her son's birthday. "Sad to say, I never would have met my neighbors any other way," she said. "It's the new backyard fence."
Sarah Jones, Washington mother to a 5-year-old, a 2-year-old and a newborn, has used the list to find a nanny -- and then locate a new job for the nanny when Jones decided to stop working. When she found she couldn't breast-feed, she received 40 or 50 e-mails with advice and support.
Sheryl Stein of Arlington connects to DC Urban Moms, an online parenting support group, while her children Kira Sweetman, 6, left, and 23-month-old Julian Sweetman, play nearby.
(Nikki Kahn -- The Washington Post)
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But it was another posting that got the biggest response. Jones had just given birth to her third child when she began chemotherapy for breast cancer. Her query: How do you handle parenting when you are really too tired?
"I decided to go to DC Urban Moms because, definitely, 5,000 heads are better than one," said Jones.
Dozens of suggestions poured in to her: Ask for help. Rent musical videos like "Annie," "The Sound of Music" and "Mary Poppins." Do a hand-shadow show. Set up a small child-proofed area with everything you need for the day so you don't have to move around the house much. Have tea parties in bed. Take long baths. Some women wrote with stories about what it was like when they were children and their mothers had cancer.
Now in the midst of treatment, Jones makes use of the tips. But she especially values the advice about not putting too much pressure on herself to be a perfect mom while battling the disease. It was a validation of what she knew, she said, but she wanted to hear it from other people anyway.
One of the list's most prolific contributors, Sheryl Stein of Arlington (better known to DC Urban Moms by her e-mail name "wrekehavoc") found that she felt isolated and alone after having children, and she questioned many of her choices. Most of her friends didn't have kids and parenting books offered conflicting advice.
"I wigged myself out so much that I got shingles," said Stein, who works as a Web manager for a think tank and has a 6-year-old and a 23-month-old. Now she's realized that many of her concerns -- about her daughter not gaining enough weight, her own trouble with nursing -- are serious and difficult, but typical.
And she's relieved. "We're all struggling with a lot of the same stuff," she said.
Enter the Fray
While many moms have been bolstered by DC Urban Moms, some find the opinions too judgmental and the fights too catty.
It doesn't take much to unleash the perennial stay-at-home vs. working-mom debate -- such as the recent posting of a study that compares how different moms spend their days, hour by hour.
There have also been explosive debates about choosing whether to deliver a baby in a Catholic hospital and, of course, breast-feeding vs. formula-feeding.
A flurry of accusatory messages fly back and forth, apologies are demanded and then finally someone begs fellow list members to move on to the next topic.
"We aren't as supportive as we could be," said Amy De Groff of Silver Spring, the full-time working mom of a 3-year-old and an 18-month-old. Some moms appear to over-defend their choices because they doubt them themselves, she said. And it's easier to be rude online. "You're not looking at the face of the woman you're hurting," she said.
