Read Ulysses

Unless you're an English teacher, the impending Bloomsday Centennial has probably escaped your attention. Bloomsday (June 16, 1904) was the day chronicled by James Joyce in "Ulysses" -- a date now celebrated annually by Guinness-sipping, tweed-swaddled book nerds everywhere, who gather to read the novel aloud and generally pat each other on the back for making it through the dense tome. As the anniversary approaches, you may want to get in on that action, if only to appear appallingly learned. Just one thing stands in your way: The book. Certain Philistines complain that it's a drag to take on -- and it is. Which is why you need to follow our tips:

THOTH, GOD OF LIBRARIES. First, you've got to have the book. Some may tell you a substantial investment in a brand-new volume is good incentive, but one often hears that rationale for pricey yet notably unused gym memberships, too. And the overdue fines from a library would break you. So buy it at a used-book store. Don't worry, they'll have copies. I paid $3 for my 1961 edition; the markings in its covers reveal that it was once the property of a Methodist church library, from which it had never been borrowed.

I advise against a copy that includes any lengthy interpretation. Although Joyce did ask that his readers dedicate their lives to comprehending his works, one's own interpretation is best. Not to mention that the damn thing is long enough as it is.

I FEAR THOSE BIG WORDS, STEPHEN SAID, WHICH MAKE US SO UNHAPPY. Start reading every day, but only 10 pages or so at a sitting. Frequently (but casually!) mention to friends that you're perusing "Ulysses," and say how much you like it. Toss a quote (or misquote) into conversation here and there: "Mr Leopold Bloom ate with relish the inner organs of beasts and fowls," or "a policeman sweating Irish stew into his shirt; you couldn't squeeze a line of poetry out of him." Call someone "stately, plump"; moan that "history is a nightmare from which you are trying to awake." In fact, the headings in this very story are Ulysses quotes; see how easy it is?

UNSHEATHE YOUR DAGGER DEFINITIONS. Consulting a dictionary may prove edifying, but don't try too hard. I find that simply letting the words wash over me has a soothing effect. It's also immensely helpful to read with an internal Irish accent.

BATTLING AGAINST HOPELESSNESS. If you aren't up for going it alone, join the Capital James Joyce Club, which meets the first Thursday of every month at Politics & Prose (5015 Connecticut Ave. NW, 202-364-1919). Another spirit-raiser: the Bloomsday celebration at James Joyce Irish Pub & Restaurant (616 S. President St., Baltimore, 410-727-5107), featuring readings, Guinness at 1904 prices and look-alike contests. Online resources on "Ulysses" also abound. The best site is probably the Brazen Head (www.themodernword.com/joyce); loaded with info and tons of links, it contains advice for reading the novel that could actually be helpful (unlike this article). If you're still befuddled, "Ulysses for Dummies" (www.bway.net/~hunger/ulysses.html) reduces the masterpiece to 18 animated comic-strip panels.

O JAMESY LET ME UP OUT OF THIS. In a few months you'll be done, and regardless of how you feel about what you've just staggered through, "Ulysses" will sit on your bookshelf like a wild boar's head on a sportsman's den wall, a testimony to your fortitude. With a smug feeling of contentment, you can then return to books of negligible literary value. Jim Miller