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Programming Note: The Reliable Source weekly discussion has moved to Thursdays at Noon ET.

After a 25-year career as a distinguished editor, feature writer, investigative reporter and war correspondent, Richard Leiby has never, ever won the Pulitzer Prize. Now he's found his life's calling as a gossip columnist. He'll take your tips, chew the fat, discuss the dish and babble in cliche-ridden prose right here once a week.

Columns and NAMES & FACES:

NAMES & FACES (Post, Oct. 19)

A Dog Day Afternoon In Georgetown (Post, Oct. 20)

This 'Monster' Is No Mash Note To the Bush Administration (Post, Oct. 21)

A transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Richard Leiby: I've got to get one thing off my manly chest before we begin.

DOGS: Threats to humankind or merely pests? You may recall my column Wednesday about George Stephanopoulos's two mutts, Charlie and Gilbert, both of which have been in trouble recently. (Gilbert got loose earlier this year; a police sergeant who gave chase died after pursuing the wandering dog. On Monday, Charlie bit a boy on the leg.)

Master George S. is very sorry about all this, but enough background on his dog trouble.

My current hatred of ALL DOGS stems from an incident this morning. I picked up my car, a 2004 Honda Civic Hybrid, from the bodyshop and forked over $400 for repairs and detailing. The car, which is basically new, seemed entirely new again: Utterly clean, inside and out. Smelled lovely, too.

Then I'm commuting contentedly to work and the unmistakable smell of dog poop starts to waft upwards from the floor. Then I notice a smear of fresh poop on the floor mat. Of course: SOME IDIOT LET HIS DOG POOP ON MY LAWN AND IT GOT ON MY SHOES.

I decided, right then, I would NEVER own a dog. EVER. I prefer cats. I have a 19-year-old cat who, even in his dotage, remains a paragon of dignity. HE USES A LITTER BOX. Perhaps I am unfairly tarring the canine species for the moronic behavior of humans, but thank you for allowing me to express myself this morning.

Oh, you people have something to say too? Let's begin, then.

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True Fact: The Monster Mash was the first record I ever purchased.

Why should you care? It's all about me!

Richard Leiby: I do care, deeply.

But enough about you: The first 45-rpm single I ever purchased was "Jumpin' Jack Flash." That means I'm pretty cool and you might be dorky.

In 1962, wasn't there something better to spend your pennies on than a novelty hit? Did you buy that "Red Baron" hit too? (Okay, I'll confess: I did...)

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Greencastle, Ind.: Mr. Leiby: I enjoy your columns as a way to keep in touch with my former stomping grounds. But I am curious about your mysterious collaborator. The Post carries a brief bio on you as the introduction to this site, but no background on Ms. Anne Schroeder, who seems to be the hardest-working gal in the Style section, judging by her credits on your column and "NAMES & FACES." What gives?

Richard Leiby: Anne isn't mysterious, just coy. I can tell you this much: She's twenty-something, was educated at DePauw University, worked at CNN, and is a pretty "hot" babe, though I'm no Bill O'Reilly, so we won't get into that. If Anne wants to have her bio posted, she can certainly ask. I'm not in charge of the website. Some guy named Rocci is!

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Richard Leiby: More on the menace of dogs: Rocci, our famed chat moderator, informs me: "That happened to me too the other day and I cursed the people upstairs who have that damn dachshund."

Please recall that Charlie, the biter of the 9-year-old, is also a DACHSHUND. Can't we get these little German devils out of the US of A?

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Frederick, Md.: Mighty One, with your vast knowledge, good looks, and powerful influence, may we place a purple cape on you and sit you on a throne to rule the world and make a utopia for us?

Richard Leiby: Yes, I accept the nomination for King of the World. And, you may feel free to sniff my throne, to use the terminology of Tucker Carlson.

One quibble: Does the cape have to be purple? I know it's regal and all, but I'd like a white ermine fur cape, with red velvet piping, if you can manage that. Thanks.

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Nader Mash: I think it's interesting that Bobby Pickett is "three galaxies to the left of democrat" and yet he's supporting Kerry and not Nader.

Just goes to show you ...

something, I guess.

Richard Leiby: Interestingly (I think), Pickett told me his voted for Nader last time. (And he voted for Perot in 1992.) Lucky for those people obsessed with a one-hit wonder from 1962, Pickett tells me he is self-publishing a memoir, "Monster Mash: Half Alive in Hollywood."

"It's about my entire life," he said.

But on Ralph Nader: I have strong personal feelings myself. I think he should not appear on television. Something about his eyes unnerve me. But that's just me, I guess.

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Westend, Washington, D.C.: How many dogs does George own? My husband has also seen him walking a Lakeland Terrier.

Richard Leiby: Charlie is a mix of Jack Russell and demon dachshund. That's what George S. told me. If he has more than two dogs, that's the sign of some sort of bizarre illness that I can't even begin to understand.

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Red Sox Rule! Red Sox Rule!: Oh, and cats do too. Even when my kitty has been sick she has used the litter box, and has never had a fur ball. Although my boyfriend and I are going to get a small dog and litter box train her, too. Plus cats don't eat really gross things.

Oh, and a gossip question: anything new about the paragon of morality, Mr. O'Reilly?

Richard Leiby: Mr. O'Reilly wants the tapes to come out. And the accuser's 70-year-old father says he's peeved at O'Reilly. There's some other stuff in the NY tabs, but nothing earth-shaking. No new sex-with-loofa transcripts. Yet.

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Kensington, Md.: A: I ALWAYS pick up my dogs "product" and keep him on lead.

B: My husband is strangly proud of the fact that his first 8-track (he had to beg his mom) was The Knack. He loves the song "My Sharona."

Richard Leiby: God bless you for cleaning up after your mutt. Would you mind coming over to Rockville later and cleaning the floor mats of my Honda?

(Just joking.)

As for the Knack: Saw them in 1979. Wore a skinny tie. Loved them. Many years later, I met the lead singer's brother, a Detroit attorney who represented Jack Kevorkian. He's a blowhard. It changed my whole view of Doug Fieger.

By the way, I am currently smelling dog poop again. I cleaned my shoes best I could before starting the chat, but now I'm wanting to kill a dog again.

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Arlington, Va.: 1962 45's I owned:

Sherry and Big Girls Don't Cry by the Four Seasons;

Surfin Safari by the Beach Boys;

Roses Are Red by Bobby Vinton (I'm embarassed)

Telestar by the Tornadoes

Good Luck Charm by Elvis

(I cheated by looking at Billboard for the 1962 records to jog my memory)

Richard Leiby: Thanks! You've just cost me 30,000 readers by dragging the demographic over the fatal age of 60.

Please, hip-and-young people out there, come back. I need you.

Let's talk BUSH TWINS.

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Maryland: So, what's the latest with the Bush Bulge?

Will the media let the White House get away with their dismissive "Bush is an alien" Internet conspiracy theorist strategy, despite clear photographic evidence?

Richard Leiby: I said BUSH TWINS, not Bush Bulge.

Okay, Maryland, we posted the "clear photographic evidence" last week. We'll do it again. But sometimes photos don't tell the whole story. Suit coats can bunch up in weird ways. The New York Times showed that in a photo illustration package the other day. You THINK you're seeing a box, but you're not...I investigated a lot of the photographic "evidence" in the Waco disaster and realized that many things we think are there, just are not.

Anyway, I hereby call for a 9/11-style independent commission to investigate the President's bulge.

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Iowa: Bless his heart, wasn't Pierre Salinger one of the liberals who actually did live up to his pledge to move to France if Bush won in 2000?

Richard Leiby: Yes, Pierre did move to France after assailing the electoral college system. His funeral service is today. His fourth wife returned his ashes to Washington and he will be interred at Arlington. (Just an update for those few readers still with me.)

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IRON BUTTERFLY: Rules. BALL was definitely their best album.

All alone out here ...

Hardwood Grits
Willow, Alaska

Richard Leiby: Wait. Did somebody mention Iron Butterfly??

But no matter. Welcome home, Alaska. Welcome home, brother.

We accept you.

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Seward, NE: I have it from VERY reliable sources that Playboy will be doing a photo feature on the Bush twins to come out some time after the election. I assume that your sources are telling you the same?

Richard Leiby: You're full of dog "product." It will never happen.

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Norfolk, Va.:
Quid -- I second that emotion about Anne's hotness. I've seen pictures. Tasteful, professional pictures. Hubba.

Richard Leiby: Now, on the other hand, there is a rumor that Playboy's photo reps want to meet my lovely assistant. But we're not putting anything into the chat that could lead to a sexual harassment lawsuit. She's already taping me, of course. Why add to the evidentiary material she's assembling?

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Kensington, Md.: Mr. Leiby, reading "Squibs" today, you quoted Ben Affleck as describing the campaign process as "petty, vicious and small-minded." He publicly supports Kerry, so doesn't this look kind of bad?

Richard Leiby: Further context is required. Frequently, we take things out of context and "blow them out of proportion," because that's how journalism works.

Affleck was whining about the reaction he got after putting himself at the center of attention in Boston. "I've been in a position where I've been attacked in the press for, I mean, nothing. I'm just an actor....Who really cares? Imagine the kind of vitriol...that would come if I ran for office. ... I'm safer trying to continue to help raise money and going to rallies and talking to people in the press..." (blahdy blah blah)

Anyway, buy Details mag for the WHOLE story. It's got really hot pix of Ben, looking all blingy.

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Alexandria, Va.: I'm young. I'm hip. I love France and I want to pledge to move there if Bush is not re-defeated. But I'm not independently wealthy?

What do I do?

Richard Leiby: Maybe you need to move to Canada. It's cheap up there. The only downside in Quebec: Dogs in cafes.

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So where are You ...: ... going to be interred?

Will dogs be lifting legs in the vicinity?

Roscoe Bulldog
Arlington, Va.

Richard Leiby: I hope to get a little space near F. Scott Fitzgerald at the very nice church cemetery in Rockville, Md. But first I have to get back to my religious roots, I guess.

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Reston, Va.: Oops, I'm 62 and enjoy your chats. Will you please recommend another chat for me for this time slot?

Richard Leiby: Reston, you rule! Please stay with me. Here's something keep you amused: A snippet from Lynne Cheney's sapphic novel of the American West. It's coming back on the Internet. (People over 60 are familiar with term "sapphic.")

Lynne Cheney's "Sisters"

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Bill me, Montana: Why is everyone wasting their time on Bush's bulge ... er, jacket. Karl Rove tells me if you look closely enough, you can see a figure of Jesus in his coat.

Richard Leiby: Interesting, because Rove considered sacrificing himself for the good of all humanity under the wheels of Air Force One earlier this week. We ran a photo. Rocci will post it.

Study his jacket. Does divinity dwell there?

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Los Angeles, Calif.: I know why you like cats, Richard. It's because you're both alike: All Style, no class!

Richard Leiby: Hey El Lay: How's the marine layer this morning? How's "Morning Becomes Eclectic"? Enjoy your organic coffee, stay tuned to KCRW, and stay all classy, just like me.

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Washington, D.C.: Re:

"My boyfriend and I are going to get a small dog and litter box train her, too."

I'll wager this couple also ends up dressing their dog in a L.L. Bean sweater and walking it around in a baby jogger.

Richard Leiby: Right on. And when they eventually have a baby, they'll be fully accessorized!

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Arlington, Va.: CATS RULE!

Richard Leiby: Thanks for elevating the level of debate. We'll stop this nonsense soon, but I do want to make one small pitch for one particular breed of dog. My friend Bob owns a Basenji, and he (the dog) seems all right. (Bob is another matter.)

FYI: "The Basenji does not bark but does make yodelling noises. The Basenji is known as the 'barkless dog.'" So says the American Kennel Club. That's a kind of dog I could get used to.

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Smith Point: Do people really think that if Paris Hilton were in town that she would actually go to Smith Point? That is too funny!

Richard Leiby: Good, Point. It's supposed to be a preppy bar for monied Southern Republicans. Paris is kind of L.A. skanky, right? I just hear this stuff.

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Iowa: Michael Moore brought his campus Slacker Tour here this week. Outraged alumni pulled their donations. MM offered enlistment papers to one persistent young heckler who supported Bush. Next week, to achieve balance and thoroughly terrorize campus liberals before Halloween, Ann Coulter appears.

Richard Leiby: Good to know that. AND THIS JUST IN, via a press release from some polling group:

"BUSH WINS!!!!

Teens across America voted President Bush back into office in 2004's largest mock election, Channel One News' OneVote, where millions of teens (the next generation of voters) cast thier vote online."

NOTE SPELLING OF THIER. Gives me great hope for the future of America.

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Kensington, Md.: Mr. Leiby, the quotes you posted to my previous question about Ben Affleck raises more questions. While I'm a huge fan of Jon Stewart and his show, and Ben Affleck for obvious reasons (I'm so buying that Details) it bugs me when celebrities insert themselves into a debate and then back off saying "Don't criticize me, I'm just an actor/comedian." They put themselves into the mix. Any thoughts?

Richard Leiby: Yeah, I think they're d--ks, and I don't mean dorks. Affleck is asked, in the Details interview: "Do you not want to be a movie anymore?"

A: "That s--- is empty, man. I mean really f---ing empty."

BUT HERE HE IS SHILLING OR A CHRISTMAS MOVIE!!!

I'll spare you further Details.

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Jacketgate: "Anyway, I hereby call for a 9/11-style independent commission to investigate the president's bulge."

So what's Ken Starr busy with these days?

Richard Leiby: Ken Starr moved out to L.A. to be dean of a big law school. Sad to report that, but it's true.

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Langley, Va.: I read on Wednesday that George Tenet will be teaching at Georgetown University's school of foreign service. I assumed he'd be their basketball coach, since he's an expert on what a "slam dunk" is.

Richard Leiby: Very good, Langley. Have you considered a career at The Agency? We need witty types.

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Iowa: The local paper said that the "hot" male Halloween costumes are a pimp, Donald Trump (which requires a mid-sized rodent affixed to the scalp), and Howard Stern. What scary things are going to be seen on D.C. doorsteps this Halloween?

Richard Leiby: I expect we'll see the usual Ann Coulter masks. And Cheney, of course. And John Kerry -- Fred Munster!

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Is Paris burning?: I assume by "skank" you are referring to the Jamaican dance step, right, you skankster you!

Richard Leiby: I do indeed. Easy Skanking! Skanking it easy...

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Washington, D.C.: Re: Poop: I am a dog owner/lover and I always clean up after my pup. However, there are folks in my complex who don't. But it's supremely unfair of you to bash dogs. That would be like my saying all cats deserve to die because they jump on talbles and counters, lick themselves in totally weird places, shed like crazy and stink up many a home with their litter boxes. Can't we all just get along?

Richard Leiby: All right, we'll try. And next week, pre-election, I promise not to bait my dwindling audience with an intro about who's better: Democrats or Republicans? Catholics or Jews?

It's an old talk-radio trick. Divide, not unite.

Yet in the Kingdom of Quidnunc, a man with poop on his shoes is king. Think about it.

Over.

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