Ward-Wimmer emphasizes providing children with four things: consistency, information, reassurance and "neutral ears."
"All children, of any age, need to have a thread of consistency in their lives," she says. In times of illness, that can require creativity, but things like regular school attendance or having the same neighbor serve as a surrogate can help.
The Wolfords -- Dylan, Eric, Sydney and Jill -- kept to routine during Jill's chemotherapy.
(Karen Tam For The Washington Post)
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She also suggests simple but correct information, along with an explanation of what's happening, who'll be there to help, and who will care for them. Naming the disease, not just saying someone is sick, is also important.
"Children are incredibly intuitive and they have awesome imaginations," Ward-Wimmer says. Without enough information, children may worry when they get sick or that somehow they're to blame for their parent's illness.
Ward-Wimmer encourages always calling the child by name and always asking how they're doing before inquiring about the parent. Extra hugs are a good idea, particularly as children may be more clingy. And inviting questions from the child also helps. Even young children can be given the opportunity to help, she says.
"They can rub Mommy's feet or tell Mommy stories or sit with her and color."
Ward-Wimmer, a former nurse, also believes the children who are appropriately prepared should be allowed to visit their parents in a medical facility when possible. She has taken children to intensive care units and burn wards after explaining intravenous lines, catheters and other medical devices they would see.
"Children are blobs of curiosity. What frightens them is things they don't know about. Give it names," she says.
In cases where visiting is impossible, she encourages video cameras and photos so the children won't be cut off.
For a pair of neutral ears, Ward-Wimmer suggests a calm, informed and consistent person who can reassure the child. That might be a therapist, a pastor or a grandparent -- someone with whom they feel safe, she says.
The Wolfords established the Caring Community Foundation to help other families through similar experiences. For a recent auction in support of the foundation, Sydney painted a picture of a swan against a vibrantly colored background.
When she thinks back to her mother's illness and treatment, most of her memories emerge as equally vivid but more abstract splashes of colors and words.
"I remember buying a yellow smiley face balloon" at the hospital, she says.
She remembers an aunt giving her a doll that she wanted to show her mother but couldn't because Jill was in isolation. She remembers touching her mother's hair as it was growing back in and that it felt "short and spiky."
Dylan remembers less, in part because of his age. That neither child had been overwhelmed or defined by their mother's illness probably means their parents found the right balance, experts say. Both children know the word "cancer" and know that it touched their lives.
"Mommy told us she had breast cancer," Sydney says. "After she got better, I knew she wouldn't die."
