How bad is "Superbabies," a sequel to a 1999 film so bad it made several critics' "Ten Worst" lists that year? So bad that I predict there will be drinking games set around viewing it someday. Whenever Jon Voight (the apparently embarrassment-proof actor who here plays a fugitive Nazi) looks like his two-dollar mustache is about to fall off, you have to drink a shot of peach schnapps. Or whenever Skyler Shaye (the actress you never heard of who plays the teen heroine) says "Oh, my God" or "Wow," you have to chug a Schlitz.
But seriously, folks, alcohol is the only thing that would have helped numb the pain I felt watching this stinking pile of failure -- which if there were any justice, would have gone straight to video and DVD. Lazily scripted by Gregory Poppen, the story this time concerns the adventures, and I use the term loosely, of a quartet of diapered toddlers (they're not even true babies, ferchrissakes), who team up with a 7-year-old crime-fighter called the Kahuna to defeat the fiendish plans of Bill Biscane (Voight), a media mogul who aims to take over the world through TV-based mind control.
The action sequences are phony-looking; the dialogue sounds largely improvised on the fly; the laughs are few and far between; and the acting (featuring Voight's rival in shamelessness, Scott Baio, and a host of badly dubbed children whose names I won't mention out of charity for their future careers) is, to put it kindly, wooden.
"Playtime is over," says Biscane at one point, in an accent that makes Col. Klink seem subtle. That's right, kids. Let the suffering begin.
SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2 (PG, 90 minutes) --Contains a joke or two about diapers and gas and lame martial-arts violence. Area theaters.