Eventually she came to a decision.
"Some people say, leave your husband and find another one. But my marriage is a marriage, and it's between two people who made a commitment to love each other, raise their children."
She works in accounting during the day while Darryl works retail at night. That way, someone is always home with the kids.
Amity Buxton founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1986, three years after her husband of 25 years came out to her.
(Randi Lynn Beach For The Washington Post)
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"What I kind of hoped would happen is for us to stay like a couple, but at the same time explore what I know now about myself," says Darryl Burgdorf, 40. "Obviously, the nature of the love is different from what it used to be, but the love hasn't changed."
Darryl wears a band with a rainbow-colored stone; Lydia wears a puzzle ring. The couple officially came out to their community -- "When someone asks, we explain," says Lydia -- on Oct. 11, 2003, National Coming Out Day.
"It creates challenges. Sure it does," she says. "But open and honest communication helps you work through those."
In a letter, John writes to his wife: "My fate is stronger than my love."
John, the father of their 22-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter, was depressed, withdrawn. It was 1983. He was not well. One day, he told Amity they needed to talk.
She sat in a chair, he took the sofa.
He said that he felt like he was in a "prison," that he wanted "to do the right thing," that he was with a man before they got married.
"I was mystified, completely floored," says Buxton, a retired public school educator. She sits in the living room of her home up in the hills. From her back yard, you can see the Bay Bridge, the Golden Gate Bridge, the sun high and bright and gracious.
She and John separated. They divorced in 1985, but their relationship evolved into a close friendship. How she survived those years, to her, was a combination of love, acceptance, tolerance and respect -- loving her former husband for who he was, and loving herself.
Two years ago, John died. He was 77, a decorated World War II veteran, buried in Arlington National Cemetery.
Buxton's second marriage -- to Bob Strand, a retired UPI reporter -- "is blissful," she says.
