In his debut column, new Washington Post columnist John Kelly described himself thusly: "When I've tried explaining my new job to people these last few weeks ... I've found it easier to just sigh and say, 'I'm the new Bob Levey.' That people get. But let me say this about that: I know Bob Levey. Bob Levey is a friend of mine. I'm no Bob Levey. What I am, for better or worse, is a John Kelly. And what exactly a John Kelly is I hope you'll come to learn over the coming weeks and months."
To further the cause of discovering the real John Kelly, he'll be online Fridays at 1 p.m. ET to take your questions on his recent columns, life in the D.C. area and more.
Post columnist John Kelly
(The Washington Post)
|
|
Kelly has been at The Post for 15 years, serving previously and variously as editor of the Weekend section, founder of KidsPost and general assignment reporter in the Metro section.
The transcript follows.
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
________________________________________________
John Kelly: Thank you for joining me on this, my inaugural chat. I've just polished off a pulled pork BBQ sandwich, wiped my lips with a napkin and cracked my knuckles to start typing. I have no idea where the conversation will go and I have nothing up my sleeve. I see this as a chance to get feedback on my still-wet-behind-the-ears column, to learn a little about you and to put off writing future columns. Speaking of which: I'm in the market for funny April Fool's Day prank stories. Or any prank stories, really. If you pulled off an elaborate hoax on some buddies or workmates, and you live in this area, e-mail me the details: kellyj@washpost.com. Let's go!
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
Hello,
Welcome! I hope you have a thick skin, because some people out here can be pretty brutal sometimes!
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
John Kelly: Thank you. Well after 6 days I'm already hearing that I'm not as good as I used to be. (Thanks a lot, mom.) But I think an almost-daily column should be a little different every day. Since I realize that every day might not be to every person's taste, I'm working out the details of a money-back guarantee for anyone who is severely dissatisfied with my column. (I think it will be something like: Mail me the column [the original, not a photocopy], along with a self-addressed stamped envelope and reasons for dissatisfaction, and I will refund the purchase price of the paper: 35 cents.)
_______________________
Brandermill, Va.:
All right, Mr. Kelly, I've read all your columns so far (very entertaining -- I've been especially inspired by Chief Clerk Reese), but you have yet to bash Virginia or its General Assembly. Aren't you on the Post team? Aren't you getting pressure from your editor? How much longer can you hold out?
John Kelly: Let me check my marching orders here..."Turn the column in on time...don't frighten the animals in the street...turn off the lights in your office when you leave..." Nope, nothing here about bashing Virginia. I'm sure I'll get around to it eventually. Actually, what I LOVE about the VA General Assembly is how well-designed its Web site it. Maryland could learn a thing or two. (I want to be an equal-opportunity basher.)
_______________________
12th Floor Metro Center:
Welcome to your first on-line chat, John. How long do you think it will take before people stop referring to you as "the new Bob Levey"? And do you, like Bob, type with two fingers?
By the way, good job so far!
John Kelly: You know, it might take years. I should ask Bob how long it took before he stopped being "the new Bill Gold." Let me type a few things and see how many fingers I use.
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party.
I think I use them all. Some more than others.
_______________________
Somewhere Under K Street:
John,
Are you aware that you bear a scary resemblance to dork-rock guitar god John Flansburgh of They Might Be Giants? And have the two of you ever been seen together? Hmmmmmmm?
John Kelly: Depending on how much water I'm retaining, I either look like John Cusack or John Flansburgh. Sadly, I lean more toward the Flansburgh end of the continuum. (No offense, John!)
We've been seen together several times. I've been to a few TMBG concerts.
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
Washington, D.C. is a very segregated city and metropolitan area. Most white people are only familiar with a small section of Northwest and Capitol Hill; and are ignorant of the rest of the District. They've probably have never set foot in PG County. Are you going to make a conscious effort to cover the REAL District of Columbia, which is majority people of color, or will you relegate your writings to the typical areas that white transients know about?
John Kelly: That's a fair question. I look at every job as a chance to learn. If you can't learn from something, why do it? I've already had invitations from folks in parts of the area I'm not familiar with to check them out. I'll be looking for stories there, and I hope that anyone?anywhere?who has suggestions will feel free to drop me a line: kellyj@washpost.com.
_______________________
Fairfax, Va.:
So, my question is, what happened to Victor Korenev after? Is he still homeless? Did he get a job out of it???
washingtonpost.com: What is the Strange Building on H Street?, (Post, February 15)
John Kelly: The Korenev story does not end as one might hope. I heard that he "borrowed" the artist's car and drove it to Florida. Last anyone heard Korenev was driving a cab in California. The demand for a classically trained Bulgarian, trompe l'oiel muralist is not very high, I guess.
_______________________
NW, Washington, D.C.:
What if Honda Guy offered to settle with his dealer for half of the cost? If the dealer didn't agree, the owner should still get the car fixed -- he's messing with his life, the lives of passengers in his car, and the lives of people in other cars. After that, he could go to Small Claims Court if he still felt strongly about it. (He's demonstrated that he has the stick-to-it-iveness to do that.) It'd cost him a filing fee, but he'd either work out a compromise with the help of a mediator, or hed'd get a decision from a judge. Even if it's a bad (by his lights) decision, it'll be a decision, and that'd bring an end to the dispute. Which is what courts are really for, in the end.
Language query: What did you mean by "euphemistically called after-market parts"? Are you implying that Honda Guy did something wrong by installing a non-Honda part? If so, then he should stay out of Small Claims Court. (Do you maybe mean something more like "highfaluting"?)
John Kelly: The e-mail is running roughly 4 to 1 in favor of Bulleri and against Honda. Many readers suggest small claims court, as you do. A lot of people just hate Honda or car dealers. I'm sure what Honda thinks is that fixing Bulleri's alarm, or reimbursing him for the cost, would be the first step down a slippery slope. I look at it in a more holistic light: The car's 7- years-old. Who's gonna steal it? Does it even need an alarm?
As for "euphemistically," I have no idea what I meant by that. It's not the most perfect word there, is it? I like the sound of if, though: euphemisticallyeuphemisticallyeuphemisticallyeuphemistically.
_______________________
washingtonpost.com: Fighting the Not Quite Total Recall..., (Post, March 11)
_______________________
Manassas, Va.:
The guy that won't get his car fixed because of a warranty issue. Don't you think he's endangering others if his car conks out unexpectedly? Don't you think that will cause an accident?
I know he's frustrated but if its an after market item, it can't be fixed under the warranty. I used to work with computers that were under a send-in warranty. Before you sent it out for repair, you had to remove any "value added" parts that were installed after it left the manufacturer. So I had to take the time to take out the CD-ROM drive, sound card, etc before sending it back to the manufacturer. Tough luck guy! You were the one that chose to save some bucks by installing it aftermarket!
That's my opinion anyway
John Kelly: He himself said he was willing to live dangerously, though I don't really know what the real likelihood of mishap is. This is obviously a way for Honda to extort you into buying their parts. Those parts are probably more expensive, but then do you save money down the line when something like this happens?
_______________________
Arlington, Va.:
Just to test whether you're no Bob Levey:
Do you drive a car? (if so, what kind?)
Do you go to movies? (ditto)
John Kelly: I drive a Honda with a broken ignition.
Just kidding! We are a three-car family. A minivan (ugh). A Mini (my wife lets me drive it sometimes). And my ridiculously inconvenient convertible: a 1968 Datsun roadster.
Yes, we go to the movies. But we also do Netflix. Still haven't seen Lost in Translation, but we try to get the AFI Silver whenever we can.
_______________________
washingtonpost.com: Datsun Roadster
_______________________
Eastern Market, Washington, D.C.:
How did you prepare for your new role at The Post over the past three months? Did you work strictly on getting this column ready or did you continue with other duties at the Post?
John Kelly: I spent about a month writing some columns to get ahead. I did my Answer Man duties for the Sunday Source (where that used to run). But I did a few stories for Metro that I was interested in, for example about this adulterous lawyer in Luray, Va. I'm just interested in that, for some reason. I also read some of the greats, including Herb Caen, and our own Bill Gold and Bob Levey.
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
Dear Mr. Kelly:
I like your new column and I think you will be a great successor to Bob. I just wanted to comment on your column earlier this week, about seeing a car parked in a expectant/new mother spot, with a car seat in the back that had a doll in it. It's possible the couple wasn't scamming people after all.
When my sister was pregnant, she took a class on how to install a baby seat in the car. You had to put a doll in the car seat to make sure it all fit, and then they drove it down to the car seat inspection place at the DMV to make sure they did it correctly. So it's possible that the couple parked at Walgreens did the same thing and were just stopping off to run errands on the way home!
John Kelly: That's possible. But she was parked in a spot just for parents of small children and no children were visible. Someone suggested that those spots are also usually for expectant mothers, too. Since you often feel really lousy before you're even showing, that could explain why she was there.
_______________________
Alexandria, Va.:
There's a federal law that says an automaker can't refuse warranty (or recall, I guess) service because the owner has installed something aftermarket on the car UNLESS it can be proven that the aftermarket part caused the failure. I'm not all that sure that this really applies, but at the same time, I can understand a service manager being wary of aftermarket alarm installs. Some of the shops that do that work are pretty crappy. I'd say that the owner is in the wrong, though, for the same reason you did ... he's being a jerk about it.
John Kelly: Honda said it was a warranty issue, too. As I hinted in the column, I'm of two minds. I am cursed with the ability to see both sides of an issue. The public comment was pretty much on the guy's side, though.
_______________________
Red Sox Nation:
Kelly,
Bill Gold had the column for 20-some years; he's Ted Williams. Levey had it for 20-some more; he's Yasztremski. How's it feel to be Jim Rice?
John Kelly: I figure if I do it for just a year, it will still work out that the three guys who did the Washington column did it for an average of 14 years each.
_______________________
Springfield, Va.:
I just wanted to report that I received six (I counted them), six napkins in my bag from buying a Subway sandwich!! And I didn't ask for them!!!
John Kelly: You didn't eat any, did you, like that woman in Frederick?
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
John,
My wife pines for Levey. I tell her i'm immeasurably impressed with you and happy for the change just to goad her. Hope you don't mind.
John Kelly: I am happy to be used as a cudgel in a marital spat. Just one of the many services I perform.
_______________________
A USDA Employee:
Here is another silly USDA rule to go along with your column for this week. Employees must take 30 minutes for lunch. If you don't take lunch, you cannot leave early at the end of the day, but you can put in for comp time.
I would like to add that I am really enjoying your columns, I think I like you better than Bob Levey.
John Kelly: I got a lot of e-mail from people who noticed that the Federal work day was shorter back then than it is now. You know, as much as RM Reese came across as a martinet, I'd love to have been able to walk in that building. It would have been spotless. No trash in the trash cans and no soiled towels.
_______________________
A third vital question:
Do you have a cell phone?
John Kelly: I need a new cell phone. I have an old one and the antenna broke off. Having said that, I don't know why you need to be able to play games or take pictures with a phone. What's next, a pasta maker that gives pedicures?
_______________________
Chinatown, Washington, D.C.:
Do you get/know any men who get manicures/pedicures? if so, where? My girlfriend won't leave me alone about how I "need" both, but I'm too shy to just roll up to a crowded nail place and do it. Also, it needs to be cheap ... both for maybe $25-35.
washingtonpost.com:
Switchboard.com, Manicures and Pedicures in Washington D.C.
John Kelly: Nee nee nee nee nee.
I don't, but Alex--the Robin to my Batman--has posted a link to a story that does. A warning: My barber told me long ago that I should never get a manicure. He said it was like heroin. All you need is one and you're hooked for life.
I think I'd draw the line at a pedicure, though. (Interesting that your girlfriend doesn't mind another woman touching your feet.)
_______________________
Washington D.C.:
Somebody just narced on you to Carolyn
John Kelly: What does that mean? I see that sort of thing happening in the Weingarten-Leiby-Hax chats and I don't understand. She's not going to hurt me, is she?
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
John, are there any subjects/topics that you won't touch?
John Kelly: I will leave the relationship advice to Ms. Hax.
I do have to remember that I appear in the Comics, in a newspaper that is meant to be fit reading for young and old.
_______________________
Bethesda, Md.:
I've enjoyed your stuff so far ... but here's a question that has nothing to do with you. What are the different colored lights on the new USA Today HQ in Mclean all about? I can see them from the beltway ... sometimes yellow, sometimes blue, sometimes red ... are they weather forecast related?
John Kelly: That sounds like a job for...Answer Man! I'll ask him to try to find out. Maybe it means those color ink cartridges need to be changed in the giant inkjet printer they use to print USA Today.
_______________________
Los Angeles, Calif.:
Welcome! Glad to have a new column to read while pretending to work.
Loved your column today about the gov's reaction to the parody captions -- but didn't those come from a specific (uncredited) web site? Seems I've seen those somewhere before.
John Kelly: I couldn't find the ur-text of the parodies. They did come from the Web. If anyone knows the person who created them, please have him or her get in touch. (Tom Ridge?)
_______________________
The Backseat of a 1978 Ford Torino:
For whom is it more trouble to reattach the alarm, the owner or the dealer? If their mechanic can take it off, he can put it back. Probably take him ten minutes.
This is why you should have a mechanic, not a dealer.
John Kelly: A true mechanic--one you trust without question--is a wonderful thing. People become very loyal to good mechanics, with good reason.
_______________________
Potomac, Md.:
What do you think Lucy Spellman will do next? Maybe run for the U.S. Army Secretary job? And how long do you give Lawrence Small as head of the Smithsonian. If you talk to anyone who works there these days, you can't believe how widely hated Small is, from veterans to newcomers, city and suburbs, men and women, according to some Smithsonian employees.
John Kelly: Well, they'll probably have some openings at WASA. She could work there.
I can't pretend that my knowledge of Small is anything other than...small.
_______________________
Bethesda, Md.:
Hi John! I used to babysit for you! Congratulations! I'm Emma Nicholson -- the twin from the neighborhood that had the pleasure of watching your two lovely girls. My twin Kate and Sandra C. are doing well. Best of luck in the new position! I look forward to reading your column.
Regards,
Emma Nicholson
John Kelly: Hey Emma! Believe it or not, our kids are practically old enough to take care of themselves now.
Are you still working undercover for the CIA?
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
Pedicure man can go to the Grooming Lounge on L St, near Conn. Ave.
John Kelly: There you go. The Grooming Lounge. Sounds like you go in and pick nits off one another.
_______________________
Upper NW, Washington, D.C.:
I reject notion that somehow, because an area is mostly white or populated by "transients", it is somehow less "real" than other parts of the city. The fact is is that NW and Cap. Hill is where most of the power brokers, decision makers, and newsmakers in this town are ... black, white, brown or blue. You'll never be able to please those who feel their communities are getting slighted. If you write about them, you're biased. If you don't, you're biased.
John Kelly: Everybody has their own reality. I know, though, that "real" Washingtonians--however you define them--resent it when Washington (or Arlington, or Bethesda) is painted as a place that has no heart, as if it was a building full of renters, not owners.
Having said that, I'm interested in a good story. And "transients" have those too.
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
I think I met you years ago. Your brother Chris was my roommate in college in Munich.
John Kelly: Hey, greetings. I hope Chris is coming to visit in a few weeks. Did you guys have the pet rat together?
_______________________
Chevy Chase, Md.:
Are you going to have contests where you buy the readers lunches? I always tried but never won anything in the neologism contests.
John Kelly: Yes. I'm welcoming suggestions for contests. Bob was the incomparable king of neologisms, so I think we'll retire that. But I want to dine out often on the Post's Amex card. Watch this space. (Well, not THIS space, but...you know.)
_______________________
Chinatown, Washington, D.C.:
well my girlfriend dosen't mind because #1 -- she'll be with me as she's getting hers done as well. and #2 as she says my "monkey toes" need help by who ever can provide it. And #3 I'm only going along with it because she's paying the bill for us both.
John Kelly: And they say romance is dead.
_______________________
Silver Spring, Md.:
you say you want to write about quirky things. Do you think you'll ever take news like the Madrid Bombing and try and write about a side no one has read about on the front page? How do you think you'd do that?
John Kelly: Well, I have to write about the Washington area. But that bombing has hit home. I know some MoCo middle school students who had a trip planned for Spain, starting in Madrid. Half the kids went. The other half stayed home, including my daughter. Did we let the terrorists "win,' or were we being prudent parents?
_______________________
Arlington, Va.:
New to area. Where is there a good hangout spot to meet single women?
John Kelly: This may be the subject of a future column.
A convent, obviously, but that has its drawbacks.
Other ideas: Fabric store or pedicurist.
_______________________
Alexandria, Va.:
Oh, camera phones are great for grabbing "visual notes". Like a pic of two 200lb. mastiffs having a lunch of roasted chicken on the waterfront in Old Town, or some of the DC-area-only advocacy group ads that pop up in the Metro. Or the BMW roadster with a brass house number screwed into the rear fender. All pix that I've taken with mine.
John Kelly: You've got a point...I've been lugging my camera AND my phone around. (And my pasta maker.)
_______________________
John Kelly: Don't forget: I need those April Fool's stories.
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
Hi John -- Please oh please answer this question ... What in the world is the official explanation for the police-guarded steel structure that is taking up half of 17th St. near the New Executive Office Building. Similarly, what in the world is going on at Farrugut Park? It is fenced off but I never see people working there and there is no signage describing what is taking place.
Help!
John Kelly: I dunno. I'll try to find out and maybe answer it in a future chat.
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
YES! We had the rat.
And many stories not to be mentioned in a family paper's Web site.
It would be cool to see Chris, can I send you an e-mail with my info (i've lost track of his)
John Kelly: Send me an e-mail: kellyj@washpost.com. No stories, please. I like to think of Chris as my innocent baby brother.
_______________________
17th and Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C.:
No question really, I just wanted to welcome you to your new role at the Post (both paper and on-line). Bob Levey had a huge following but, if this week's columns are any indication, you should have no trouble building upon what he already started.
John Kelly: Thanks so much. Bob said the readers were the best part of his job. They feel very proprietary about the column. I won't be able to please everyone, but I think it's wonderful that at a time when we bemoan the falling circulation of newspapers, there are readers who have a real strong place in their lives for this antique medium.
_______________________
Herndon, Va.:
Mr. Kelly: Welcome to the madness! A somewhat off-the-wall question for you. At many of the small "mom and pop" stores in the D.C. area, such as dry cleaners or mini-marts, one side of the glass doors is often locked. Usually, though not always, it's the one one the left as you enter. Aside from this probably violating the local fire codes, it's annoying to customers. Why is this so common?
John Kelly: Another good question for Answer Man.
_______________________
Northeast, Washington, DC..:
What has been your memorable event with the Kid's Post feature
John Kelly: Getting to see the Harry Potter movie premieres was nice. But the best was going behind the scenes at the National Zoo's naked molerat exhibit. I love naked molerats.
_______________________
So ...:
How many questions have you received so far inquiring about the whereabouts of your predecessor?
John Kelly: Quite a few. And in a future column I'll get everyone up to date. Where you and I might have taken a few weeks off, or more, Bob strolled right into a great new job.
_______________________
St. Louis, Mo.:
What does the "F" stand for?
John Kelly: It stands for "Francis," but I was told a middle initial like that was too off-putting for a friendly column like I do. I think David "S." Broder is the only one here allowed to have a middle initial.
_______________________
Bureau of Vital Statistics:
Hey John,
Ed Asner's first name is Yitzak. Yitzak Edward Asner. How come you don't have a cool secret first name?
John Kelly: What, an embarrassing middle name isn't enough?
_______________________
Arlington, Va.:
Mr. Kelly-
Do you have an assistant like Bob Levey did? And will you be doing more out-of-the office reporting like Marc Fisher or do you expect to be more like Bob?
John Kelly: I do have an assistant, and Alex is my life jacket. I want to get Out There as much as possible, although I'm quickly realizing that's not as easy as it sounds.
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
"I reject notion that somehow, because an area is mostly white or populated by "transients", it is somehow less "real" than other parts of the city. The fact is is that NW and Cap. Hill is where most of the power brokers, decision makers, and newsmakers in this town are ... black, white, brown or blue." -- Well, it depends on what you consider "news". I'm sure the original poster had in mind encouraging you not to concentrate solely on the "high-rent district", but to include stories about ALL of Washington.
John Kelly: I think that's probably exactly right.
_______________________
Washington Coliseum, 1964:
Hey. Who's your favorite Beatle, and why? (Give your answer in all caps; it's really loud in here.)
John Kelly: I'm gonna have to say Ringo, because we both play the drooms.
_______________________
John Kelly: And with that I will say adieu. "Adieu." Thanks everyone. I had fun, which is the main reason I do anything. See you here next week, and in the paper on Monday. Have a good weekend.
_______________________
