"You can do this if you send out the invitation eight weeks in advance," says Garner. "Then if people RSVP and say they cannot come, you can still get an invitation out six to seven weeks before. It's still appropriate and people won't think they are an afterthought. People who are not coming are usually the first to respond."
Sometimes, however, even the best intentions fall short.
Novelist James Grady was thrilled to receive an invitation to the wedding of a dear friend, but it -- and the enclosed reply card -- vanished in the Bermuda Triangle of his home office in Takoma Park.
"Then, about three weeks before the event, which I'm told is the 'forbidden zone,' I get this odd little phone call from him," says Grady, whose thrillers include "Six Days of the Condor." Subsequent excavation of his desk revealed a stamped envelope, "as idiot-proof as any hostess could make it -- and somehow I still sank to the occasion."
Honest mistakes should not be confused with deliberate rudeness, says Marita Wesely-Clough, a trends researcher for Hallmark Cards in Kansas City, Mo.
"Casual living is reflected in every dimension of our lives -- casual Fridays, casual entertaining, people showing up at concerts in jeans, the same thing for attire at weddings and funerals. People may respond to the RSVP and say yes. Then at 6:30 on the day, they've had a long day at the office, they are too tired, and they just don't go. A relaxed social environment makes things easier to slide, especially if there is no social penalty."
But all is not lost. She is heartened by "a counter trend of a return to graciousness, an incredible number of books about manners and courtesy, local etiquette classes."
Post sees reason to hope, too. "We used to get 400 to 500 letters a month at the Emily Post Institute. This year alone, we've been getting about 1,500 a month. People are really interested in knowing how to do things so they are comfortable with other people. They want to enjoy their lives rather than feel conflicted and confused."
Now if he could only get them to RSVP on time.
