At the funeral of my wife's cousin, I was going over notes for my eulogy when a man approached and handed me an envelope. I knew him only as one of the cousin's more frequent visitors. The cousin had asked him to give me the envelope at the funeral, he said. I took the envelope and continued to prepare for the eulogy.
After the service, I opened the envelope. It contained a will, handwritten by the cousin and witnessed. It was dated 20 months before his death.
Tanesha Johnson, left, takes care of 93-year-old Jimmie Lee Short at her apartment for elderly in Woodbridge, Va.
(James A. Parcell - The Washington Post)
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The only will my wife and I knew about had been executed much earlier, right after the cousin had become ill and unable to care for himself. He had no immediate family, and my wife was the only one in a position to help. Take care of me, he said, and I will leave everything I have to you. His will had formalized that commitment.
My wife did her part, devoting thousands of hours to visiting him, taking him to doctor appointments and occasional social events, negotiating lower drug prices, refinancing his mortgage, paying his bills.
She also hired a home health aide, who had been recommended by a friend who is a nurse, to prepare evening meals and give the cousin his baths. The aide was the primary beneficiary in the will I was holding. She was to receive the cousin's townhouse, worth $140,000. My wife would receive the home's contents, worth a few thousand dollars
The health aide immediately changed the locks on the townhouse and moved in. Then she probated the handwritten will, taking it to the clerk of court and having it recorded so it became official. My wife sued to contest that will, on several grounds, and 15 months of litigation began.
Just as the cousin had demanded constant attention the last five years of his life, he continued to demand it. Almost every day there was some detail needed to keep the suit moving.
The suit failed. The health aide kept the house. My wife kept all the feelings of betrayal, which overran the pleasant memories of her cousin's life.
Giving Care
AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving report that 44 million adults, about one in five, are caregivers. Most care for older relatives who don't live in the same home. Because they average more than 20 hours of caregiving a week, it's no surprise what tops the list of caregivers' problems: "Finding time for myself."
One way they do that is to hire a third party, such as a home health aide, to help. If you are at that point or expect to get there soon, understand the risk: Your elder may develop an inappropriate attachment.
