The Style Invitational
Week 566: Get Whack
Sunday, July 11, 2004; Page D02
Earwax snoodle: What you are never supposed to see on a Q-Tip.
This week's contest takes us, after our recent wallow in the Invitational archives, back to the 21st century and back to the Internet for a game that's the darling of the geek circuit: Googlewhacking, whose challenge is to type a two-word phrase into the Google search engine that produces exactly one result. Not zero results, not two. We'll take this a step further: Your mission is to come up with such a phrase and to define it, as in the example above. Anyone who cheats on this and posts something to a Web site for the purposes of winning a no-money humor contest has the Empress's permission to go to a trophy shop and buy one of those really big trophies with eagles and stuff, and tack on a plaque saying Aren't I Great.
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a cassette tape labeled "Subliminal Persuasion Self-Hypnosis Cassette Tape: Subliminal: Stop Loss of Hair." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to email@example.com. Deadline is Monday, July 19. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Aug. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Elden Carnahan of Laurel. Today's contest was suggested by Jon Reiser of Hilton, N.Y.
Report from Week 562, in which the Empress asked for sentences made from the sounds of the names of the letters and digits: Remember, they're to be read out loud, letter by letter. If you think the entries below are a stretch, consider that a large share of the responses contained words like R-E-B-L (ar-ee-bee-ell) for "horrible." We'll say.
Third Runner-up: U R APLN N NRSN, YL I M TDS N SN9. I F L O IQ. N I M M S XULE: I F VD N ED. R U BZ 2MRO? (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
You are appealing and interesting, while I am tedious and asinine. I have a low IQ. And I am a mess sexually: I have VD and ED. Are you busy tomorrow?
Second Runner-Up: IM NRE D H, I M, NRE D H, I M, I M. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)
I'm Henry the Eighth, I am, Henry the Eighth, I am, I am.
First Runner-Up, the winner of the "Mad About Martha" paper-doll book:
LN DGNRS, U R L SBN. NBC VIP; ME, TV.
N H S DVS. 8RO6UL? KG, MBQS, AC/DC. (Chris Doyle)
Ellen DeGeneres, you are a lesbian. NBC VIP; Emmy, TV.
Anne Heche is devious. Heterosexual? Cagey, ambiguous, AC/DC.
And the winner of the Inker: U C I 8 N 8 D ZT: S Y I F ENRMS CT. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
You see I ate and ate the ziti: Is why I have enormous seatie.
Y TNQ LS. I, 2, 1 2 F 6 N D PNO!
(Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)
Why, thank you, Alice. I, too, want to have sex in the piano!
ODS 4N XPDNC: LMN8 D NME N TNMN. (Tom Greening, North Bethesda)
Odious foreign expediency: eliminate the enemy in Tiananmen.
BUT S N D I F D 1 DLN N XS AL.
(Natalie Rutkowski, Manassas)
Beauty is in the eye of the one dealin' in excess ale.
N NBC, UC KT 2 B A QT N D AM N J 2 B 1 N D PM. (Jim Tucker, Charlottesville)
On NBC, you see Katie to be a cutie in the a.m. and Jay to be one in the p.m.
F U R FMN8 N JL, UL B A 6 FND NDN.
If you are effeminate in jail, you'll be a sex offendee in the end.
I 1 T RABN OEL. N D NRK: XEQ T NME. JL S NFXUL. C Z MR8 N Q8 2. (Tom Greening)
I want the Arabian oil. End the anarchy: execute the enemy. Jail is ineffectual. Seize the Emirate and Kuwait, too.
I M N XLN PNS. Y S N NE1 NVS M E? (Chris Doyle)
I am an excellent pianist. Why isn't anyone envious of me?
W, ON 2 BN CD, U "1" N '00; U L B N X N '05. (Jim Tucker)
W, owing to being seedy, you "won" in '00; you will be an ex- in '05.
F D US LX W N JNE, I L F 2 B A KNADN. (Lennie Magida, Potomac)
If the U.S. elects Bush and Cheney, I will have to be a Canadian.
F U R FRNR, U R SNFABH. (J. Ashcroft, Washington) (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
If you are a foreigner, you are an SOB.
"LO, QT. I M MEDM, N I M '4CN' U 2MRO.
"O? NE BS N UL B '4CN' JL, YS S."
"Hello, cutie. I am a medium, and I am 'foreseeing' you tomorrow."
"Oh? Any BS and you'll be 'foreseeing' jail, wiseass."
C D MP N Q8. E S N2 SNM. E Z POW OK N JL? (Carl Katz, Potomac)
See the MP in Kuwait. He is into S&M. Is the POW okay in jail?
I MNLAS. M I 2 FMN8 4 LN? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
I am Menelaus. Am I too effeminate for Helen?
N I 4 N I B4 U XP8. (Steve Shapiro,
An eye for an eye before you expiate.
I 4C A 4A 2 CQR A B9 4N NME . . . O-O.
(D. Rumsfeld, Washington) (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
I foresee a foray to secure a benign foreign enemy . . . uh-oh.
O B! ND! OP S PN N2 A PNO! (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Oh, Bee! Andy! Opie is peein' into a piano!
And Last: G, THIS IZNT 2 HARD! (D. QAL, FENX) (Roy Ashley, Washington)
More losers from Week 559, in which you were asked to take a sentence from The Post and write a question that the sentence might answer:
It means a lot.
What does $300,000 buy you in the D.C. housing market? (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Waving from the rear of the expansive peach dining room is a seated, bronze-colored
What's a sign that someone has slipped LSD into your soda at McDonald's? (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)
I didn't come to hear frogs.
What Bush comment caused a flap at the D-Day ceremony in France? (Chris Doyle)
We are just going to have to make a determination as to what level they can do that at.
How do editors explain how they decide whether to let writers end sentences with prepositions? (Russell Beland)
Most Iraqis did not understand the vulgarities shouted by U.S. soldiers.
Why did President Bush request funding to send more translators to Baghdad? (Seth Brown)
That gives him a vocabulary similar to dolphins, apes, sea lions and parrots who have undergone extensive training.
Did you hear that President Bush fired all his speechwriters? (Chris Doyle)
He married her.
What's the main difference between Soon-Yi and her mother? (Russell Beland)
He's way overblown.
What's the buzz on Bill Clinton's memoirs? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
People will badger you about what you did all summer, and their faces will be unable to conceal their horror as they realize you mostly ate Fritos.
What did Karl Rove say to President Bush in advising him against another televised press conference? (Robin Grove, Chevy Chase)
They move into dens in late March or early April to give birth, and stay until their young are able to fend for themselves four or five months later.
What's the newest wrinkle in the trend of grown children moving back home with their parents? (Russell Beland)
She says she protested at every leg of the journey.
What did the loser of the bikini-waxing marathon have to say? (Milo Sauer)
Many people who hire us feel it in their gut and have their suspicions confirmed.
Monsieur Chef, why do you think your catering business went bankrupt? (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
Next Week: Take Two, or Just Duet
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