Be My Guest

These past holidays were only the beginning. Throughout the year, you will be expected to keep on attending events with non-negotiable dates at which presents are expected and the guest list is chosen for reasons other than the company's presumed compatibility.

As Miss Manners recalls, such occasions were once limited to weddings, which lasted for about four hours on a single day, and children's birthday parties, which lasted about two hours that felt like 12 to the host's parents.

Furthermore, the weddings were rationed to one per bride for her lifetime. Any subsequent marriages she cared to enter were supposed to be performed quietly. (Gentlemen could have innumerable all-out weddings with as many sequential brides as they could persuade, on the grounds that no one noticed a bridegroom's appearances.) Children were allowed only one birthday party a year, not counting cookies brought to kindergarten, and were supposed to stop after 21 years.

So what did people do with all that time hanging on their hands? How did they keep from brooding or getting into trouble? For that matter, how did they get into the kind of trouble that led to those subsequent marriages?

They partied. And by that, Miss Manners does not mean that they went to fundraisers, support groups, book club meetings and office gatherings, however jolly or worthwhile these may be. Taking turns, they gave and went to parties whose sole purpose was for everyone to have a good time. No money changed hands and presents were not expected. Guests did not march in, each handing over a bottle of wine at the door.

This sort of party has become a rarity, crowded out by occasion-events that people orchestrate in honor of themselves or members of their immediate families. Adult birthday parties, not counting cakes at the office, extend the pattern of children's parties throughout life. Weddings are interminable, even for lasting marriages. No sooner has the succession of engagement parties, showers (both elevated from optional informal gatherings to major events), pre-wedding dinners and post-wedding brunches ended than it begins all over again with anniversaries, reenactments and renewals of vows. And successive marriages start the full cycle again.

Miss Manners does not grudge people celebrating the events of their lives, although a bit of restraint in scheduling them might be in order, out of mercy for their relatives and friends. But she cannot help but notice what distinguishes these from plain parties:

1) Rather than being given simply for the pleasure of entertaining others, they are explicitly announced as being in honor of oneself or of one's spouse, parents or children.

2) Presents are most definitely expected, and often solicited in the form of registry cards or instructions on the invitation itself.

3) Not content with this barter system of entertainment for goods, hosts often seek to escape any outlay by asking guests to contribute refreshments or, when the event is held in a restaurant, to pay their own costs.

It would appear that there is no angle that has not occurred to today's hosts. Except, possibly, the pleasure of their guests.

Dear Miss Manners:

I recently received a promise ring from my boyfriend, and it has come up that we are not sure which hand I am supposed to wear it on. He has heard the right hand, so as to keep the official ring finger free until the appropriate time. I have heard it should be worn on the left, so as to hold a place for the future engagement ring. Which hand, historically, is correct?

Historically, to be "promised" was another way of describing being engaged. Romantic limbo did not exist, certainly not with a symbol saying "this finger reserved for a future engagement."

So Miss Manners supposes your question depends on what the gentleman promised to do. If he promised to marry you, it would be suitable to wear his ring on your left hand, even if it will be upgraded when he is ready to fulfill the promise. If the question is still open, you might want to keep the spot open as well.

Feeling incorrect? E-mail your etiquette questions to Miss Manners (who is distraught that she cannot reply personally) at MissManners@unitedmedia.com or mail to United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.

©2005, Judith Martin