Dear Carolyn:
I am totally in love with someone who was on-again, off-again with her ex for more than 10 years. She is in love with me and I don't question that.
However, I said I would be uncomfortable if she continued to talk to him, and made her promise to tell me if he called. Recently I found out she has been occasionally communicating with him by e-mail. I confronted her and said I felt she broke a promise. She said she has not talked to him, that the communication has been strictly generic (jokes and stuff like that), that I should not feel jealous, and that she could be with him again but chooses me.
(Nick Galifianakis For The Washington Post)
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I want to trust her but now question everything she does when I am not around. How do I know if she is keeping him around in case things don't work out with me? She feels she just can't ignore his e-mails and that he will always be part of her life. I guess I am insecure and jealous but have a hard time accepting that she feels she needs to stay in touch. Should I accept what she is saying and think that as our love develops, she will eventually stop responding to his e-mails?
C.
Don't guess you are insecure and jealous. You are insecure and jealous. Wow.
She kept her promise by the book, but broke it in spirit. Her mistake, though, was agreeing to report to you in the first place. That's not dishonest, just weak.
Please write this somewhere prominent: Forcing people to report back to you is not what keeps them faithful. Maybe backward across your forehead. (Write small.) She will remain faithful, even during those long and scary nanoseconds when she leaves your sight, if, and only if, she wants to.
And she will want to not because she's under electronic house arrest, or some spell that says you're the only man in the whooole world. Please. She knows what we all know, that no matter how wonderful she is or you are, there will always be other/better/more. This is the Original Duh.
Therefore, she will stay only because being faithful to you is its own reward -- because there is no comfort greater than to share open, honest intimacy with someone.
She chose you for this. Instead of insulting her and yourself with doubts, try closing your mouth and accepting the compliment.
Accept, too, that this doesn't mean either of you will love the other forever.
Accept that she could return to the ex if she: talks to him regularly, e-mails him occasionally, IMs him on Tuesdays, severs all ties.
Accept that it's more natural to care for an ex than to act as if he's suddenly dead to her.
Accept that it's your job -- and to your advantage -- to deal with that.
Accept that she could break up with you for any other reason, too. (Say, a controlling, jealous nature.) Accept that she has her own mind, two legs and this wacky thing called "free will." You embraced these when they brought her to you, yes? So integrity demands that you respect them still.
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