"A great small talker is someone who has three to four open-ended questions that makes the person open up," says Ann Stock, former White House social secretary for the Clintons and currently the vice president of the Kennedy Center. "It ignites something in them that makes them start talking. After that, you ask leading questions."
? Use your body language. There's nothing worse than chatting with people who simultaneously scan the room for someone more important. Give someone your full and real attention during your conversation. Face him directly, and look in his eyes.
? Never underestimate small talk -- even though many people dread it, or think it's silly, boring or superficial.
"If you think conversation is primarily about exchanging information, then small talk looks like a waste of time and probably lies," says David Weinberger, a former philosophy professor and dot-com entrepreneur. "That's a view one finds frequently in technical communities because they think of conversation as the exchange of data between computers."
Think of it as a sorting system, by which you identify the wheat and eliminate the chaff. You will listen to boors and bores. You can always excuse yourself after a few minutes, and you'll have learned something valuable.
"In small talk, we express ourselves in the details of what we talk about, the words we use, the ones we don't, how far we lean forward, how tentatively or aggressively we probe for shared ground," Weinberger posted last month in his Internet newsletter. "Because all of this is implicitly presented, it tends to give a more accurate picture of who we are and what we care about than big, explicit conversations."
Weinberger says he didn't become skilled at making small talk until he was 40 and realized that small talk is an attempt to find common ground. "You have to find what's interesting to the other person," he says. "You already know what's interesting to you."
? Keep it light. "There are grave dangers inherent in small talk," says Robert Barnett, a world-class lawyer and small talker. "If it veers in the wrong direction, you must be able to change the subject. People, including me, love to talk about their children. The weather is often safe, unless you're in Florida during hurricane season. Sports is good."
The goal is to never let anyone feel embarrassed about sharing with you. Marriage, divorce, sex, religion -- bad but delicious topics. Politics -- bad, good and probably unavoidable in this town. If you sense someone is uncomfortable with something he's said, never pursue the point. On the other hand, I have learned amazingly intimate things during the course of a dinner party and the speaker didn't bat an eye. A little small talk can go a very long way.
? Don't be greedy. Let the other person dictate the length of the conversation. Consider small talk not the end but the beginning of a relationship. If you've followed the rules, make a graceful exit secure -- at the very least -- that you'll be greeted with a genuine smile the next time you meet.
Consider the famous story about British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and his great political rival, William Gladstone. Legend has it that a lady was taken to dinner one evening by Gladstone and the next by Disraeli. When asked her impression of the two men, she replied, "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England."
