Chatological Humor*

Son of a...

Gene Weingarten (Richard Thompson - The Washington Post)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He's usually online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse. However, on Tuesday, June 22, Gene's son, Dan Weingarten, was online to discuss his Sunday Magazine column, The Next Gene-eration, and anything else you asked him.

This week's poll!

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Dan Weingarten: Hello. This is Dan Weingarten, Gene's son. For Father's Day, I wrote my father's column; it's linked to, below. I agreed to be here to take your questions and your abuse because of my great regard for my father, and for the Washington Post, and because they are paying me a hundred dollars for an hour of work.

Thank you all for the kind letters, particularly from the two "squealing 15-year-old Asian girls" who offered to marry me, bigamously. I may be only 19 but I can recognize an Internet police sting when I see one. Nice try, officers. Keep up the good work.

One word about the process here. My father is next to me, typing what I say. That is because, although I am a rare boy comic genius, when I type quickly it c8mes otu Lkie th9s. Then I have to use spelchek, which changes "Lkie" to "Lackey" and "th9s" to "unable to correct word," so I have to go back and undo the spelchek damage, figure out what I was trying to say, try it again, and then the chat is over. So my dad types. But the answers will be mine.

I have created a poll, which will be linked to below. As my dad does, I will tell you the correct answers about three quarters through the chat.

My father and I seldom absolutely agree on anything, but we absolutely agreed on the comic pick of the week, which is Wednesday's Boondocks.

Let's go.

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washingtonpost.com: Boondocks, (June 16)

Below the Beltway: The Next Gene-eration, (Post Magazine, June 20)

Cast your vote in this week's freakish POLL!

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Harrisburg, Pa.: Gene, your column was very funny. May we expect another generation of humor columnists?

Dan Weingarten: It's pronounced Dan, by the way. Many of the emails have asked this question. As for my future, right now, I am trying to decide between humor writer and podiatrist.

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Charlotte, N.C.: Is your mom as perfect as Gene says she is?

Dan Weingarten: My mom does no wrong -- except for the death she has sown among the mice and rats that live under our front yard. She is terribly guilty about this, but poisons them anyway. I do my bit to help her cope.

This is true: Last night, I found a deceased mouse in the front yard. I also found a discarded naked Barbie doll, in the street. So I put the dead mouse in Barbie's arms, in an intimate embrace, and positioned them to greet my mother when she got home.

Actually, this was my second choice. I abandoned my first choice for fear of actually causing my mother's death. My first choice was to remove the mouse's head and put it on a small pike, like one of those plastic cocktail swords, in the front yard as a warning to all other vermin to vacate the premises.

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Arlington, Va.: Dan -- Your dad experimented with lots of illegal drugs in his youth, including heroin. Do you view that as a positive thing? Will you be following in his footsteps?

Dan Weingarten: I have a responsibility here to be a role model, and a voice of restraint and temperance for America's youth. Drugs kill. Drugs should be avoided. Drugs are bad, even those that may bring you to inexpressibly wondrous, higher levels of understanding about the human condition. Avoid drugs at all cost.

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washingtonpost.com: Cast your vote in this week's freakish teen scream POLL!

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Washington, D.C.: Dear Dan, a few questions:
1. What do you want to be when you wake up? I mean, when you grow up.
2. What does your dad want you to be?
3. Since your dad was obviously a trying, traumatizing influence in your life, I'm wondering how you turned out to be so well-adjusted.
4. Am I correct in my assumption that you're well-adjusted?
5. What word best describes your dad? Dork. Inspired. Jolly. Ron Jeremy.

Dan Weingarten:
1. A mad scientist.
2. My father wants me to do something creative or artistic and I contend that mad scientist still works.
3. A good amount of trauma is good for a developing mind. The key is knowing when it's too much and the child becomes schizophrenic. I have not reached that point, nor have I.
4. I think I am well adjusted. But my dad's shaking his head at that one.
5. Dork. But in my eyes, dorkiness is a good characteristic that all should strive for.

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Fairfax, Va.: What is the best Father's Day present you've ever given your father?

Dan Weingarten: Probably the column. However my sister one-upped me this year.

When my father was five years old, he was given a choice of going with his father to the World Series, or with his mom to see "Sleeping Beauty." He went with his mom.

Well, it was Oct. 8, 1956, the day Don Larsen pitched a perfect game. This horror of his stupid decision has stayed with him for a half century. He had almost finally forgotten about it. This year, Molly bought for him an actual home plate signed on that day by Larsen and his catcher, Yogi Berra. So the horror will now be with him always.

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Clone, IT: I got the eerie feeling reading Sunday's column that Gene had been cloned (or had really written the column himself). Has anyone else said they couldn't tell the difference between father and son's writing?

Dan Weingarten: This is disturbing. Anyone else feel that way?

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New York, N.Y.: Gene mentioned in one of his books a story concerning you, arson and an unscripted field trip with another class. Please tell us your side of the story.

Dan Weingarten: Sounds like middle school.

Well, the arson part came from one day in science class. While working with Bunsen burners I unknowingly put the teacher's matches in my pocket (damn kleptomania). I happened to be in the boy's bathroom when I noticed I had them, and the proximity of so much toilet paper under the circumstances was just too strong a temptation. If they didn't want boys to start fires they should not put toilet paper in the bathrooms.

The field trip - well, was I was bored in school so I decided to hop on board a bus that had some friends on it. It was an actual class trip, so in a sense I did nothing wrong, except for the technicality that it was ANOTHER class's trip. When I got back I got busted for both.

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washingtonpost.com: Cast your vote in this week's underage POLL!

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Washington, D.C.: Is the reason you decided not to go the Vlad-the-Impaler route that you thought your mother would drop dead at the thought that you might have used something, anything, FROM HER KITCHEN DRAWERS to do the decapitation, and then PUT IT BACK? Or do you really think that putting the mouse in the arms of a naked Barbie is not far, far sicker than decapitating it and putting the head on a teeny pike in the yard?

Dan Weingarten: Well, the difference is the act of decapitation. That brings it to another level.

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New York, N.Y.: Dan, what's the latest thing that your Dad has done to embarrass you? My kids will be of that age in a few years and I'm looking for ideas.

Dan Weingarten: Sadly, my Dad does not hold the record for most embarrassing his son most. One day our friend Dave Barry picked up his son, Rob, from school in the Wienermobile.
Dave used the loudspeaker to summon him from the schoolyard. "Rob Barry, report to the Wienermobile." My dad thinks Dave is a god.

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Polity: The poll is sublime.

Dan Weingarten: Thank you.

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1301 NY Ave.: If you had put that mouse's head on a spike, I would've formally disowned you.

Dan Weingarten: Hi Mom!

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washingtonpost.com: Cast your vote in this week's scary clown POLL!

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Re: Clone, IT: No, I didn't feel that way at all. I thought it was amazing how much better thought out and well written the column this week was. No way, good ol' Dad could have written anything that intelligent.

Dan Weingarten: As my father would say, Noted.

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Census Bureau: Do you have siblings, and, if so, which one of your father's favorite?

Dan Weingarten: I have a sister. Once, I asked my father a similar question. I asked him to rank his pets and children, as to his favorites. I thought he was going to have two lists, but he lumped us all together. At the top of the list was Matthew the Parrot.

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Oh Danny Boy: Dan,
Nice column! Do you hold to your father's opinion that humor is objective and that he knows better than anyone else what is funny?

Dan Weingarten: My Dad is a comedy expert. That is why you should read his column weekly and buy all his books so that you, too can be blessed with the gift of humor and put me through college

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washingtonpost.com: POLL!

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Alexandria, Va.: OMG! What cliches can I come up with? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree? You're a chip off the old block? You've got your dad's comedic chops? I almost died laughing, and I'm not an asthmatic. How about next chat, you sit in with your dad? This should be a regular (or semi-regular) feature. Do the girls love you? I would, except I'm old enough to be your mother, and your dad would like me (40, a petite 5'2", and I look like Uma T.), and I'm married with two kids. But I doubt you need help with the ladies (as long as your dad's not around to embarrass you!).

Dan Weingarten: Let me get this straight. You are coming on to my father, in a chat my mother is reading in real time. Is that right? I just want to be sure.

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Rockville, Md.: You little putzhead! The last picture in the poll scared me when it popped up. How am I supposed to clear that out of my head?!?

Dan Weingarten: That image was actually not my first choice. Consider yourself lucky.

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Rockville, Md.: I've asked Gene's advice about my teenage children and I thought it was good. What do you think about his parenting skills?

Dan Weingarten: I am thankful I have a mother.

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Dan, NY: Has your father ever actually given you any reason to consider him an "adult?"

Dan Weingarten: Well, yes, actually. He is 50 years old and has hairy ears.

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Washington, D.C.: Forget the sibling rivalry thing. Do you ever worry that your dad loves Eric Shansby more than he loves you?

Dan Weingarten: He yells at Eric more than he yells at me. I admit that worries me a little.

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Look, NC: Dan, who was your favorite Beatle? I ask this not because I value your opinion on this topic, but just to see if your father passed on a proper set of values.

Dan Weingarten: What is a Beatle?

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To WP.com: The poll results show exactly the same responses to all three questions.

washingtonpost.com: We're working on it. Just keep voting: This week's PIZZZOLL!

Dan Weingarten: Pizzzoll?

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Towson, Md.: Dan, you seem very funny and extremely intelligent. So why in the world do you go to Towson University?

Dan Weingarten: Goucher, not Towson.

Seventy percent female.

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Clone Comment: Gene's writing always makes me chuckle, but Dan's writing caused me to laugh so hard that I was crying. There is a 'family' resemblance, but Dan's style captures the essence of Gen X/Y humor, a style not often seen in today's publications . Hope we see more of it! Great job!

Dan Weingarten: So your point, if I am reading this correctly, is that the Post should be paying me a LOT of money. Right?

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Charlotte, N.C.: Follow-up to the mom-is-perfect question. Is your dad as messed up as he claims?

Dan Weingarten: Yes.

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Fairfax, Va.: Welcome, Dan! Hope you return to the column and chat again in the future. I'm a bit sad that no one asked that illustrator kid didn't work up your likeness to post at the top of the page today. Not that your Dad's is bad, but it seems like a nice gesture to show his appreciation of your fine work.

What gives? We wanna see to whom we're speaking!

Dan Weingarten: My father has said, and he is basically right, that I look like a cross between Charles Starkweather and James Dean. If Liz can link to these two people, you'll get the idea.

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Therefore symbol: I had a professor once who gave horrendously difficult tests. In an effort to be "nice," for one of his tests he gave us a bonus to research ahead of time. We had to look up the actual name for the therefore symbol. No one could find it and we all decided it was a trick question. Once in a while I'll try looking for it again, but to no avail (not that it really matters anymore, anyway!). Does anybody know if there really is a name for that lousy symbol?!

Dan Weingarten: Anyone?

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Del Ray, Va.: Wow, Ben Affleck won $300K in a poker tournament! That transcendent inability to display emotion has finally paid off!

Dan Weingarten: Haha.

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State of Conan: I really enjoyed your column. Since you're obviously a little more up-to-date, do you have any comments on the recently published GSCOAT list? A common complaint from more "mature" analysts is that younger people don't appreciate "classic" humor. What are some older examples of comedy you find wickedly funny (Monty Python does it for me!)?

washingtonpost.com: GSCOAT:
1. Ed Norton ("The Honeymooners")
2. George Costanza/Larry David ("Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm")
3. Archie Bunker ("All In The Family")
4. Alex P. Keaton ("Family Ties")
5. Eddie Haskell ("Leave It to Beaver")
6. Latka Graves ("Taxi")
7. Alice Kramden ("The Honeymooners")
8. Kingfish Stevens ("Amos n' Andy")
9. Barney Fife ("The Andy Griffith Show")
10. Lois Wilkerson ("Malcolm in the Middle")
11. Edith Bunker ("All In The Family")
12. Maynard G. Krebs ("The Life and Loves of Dobie Gillis")
13. Ralph Kramden ("The Honeymooners")
14. Cosmo Topper ("Topper")
15. Sgt. Ernie Bilko ("The Phil Silvers Show")
16. Cliff Claven/ Norm Peterson ("Cheers")
17. Roseanne Connor, ("Roseanne")
18. Bill Bittinger ("Buffalo Bill")
19. Louis DiPalma ("Taxi")
20. Frasier and Niles Crane ("Frasier")
21. Sophia Spirelli Weinstock ("The Golden Girls")
22. Det. Phil Fish ( "Barney Miller")
23. Hawkeye Pierce ("M*A*S*H")
24. Larry Sanders ("The Larry Sanders Show")
25. Dr. Robert Hartley ("The Bob Newhart Show")
26. Ricky Ricardo ("I Love Lucy")
27. Thurston Howell III ("Gilligan's Island")
28. Lucy Ricardo ("I Love Lucy")
29. Ted Baxter ("The Mary Tyler Moore Show")
30. Granny Clampett ("The Beverly Hillbillies").

Dan Weingarten: I agree with most of those characters that I know. I don't know a LOT of them. I don't go in much for sitcoms. I like skit comedy more -- Upright Citizen's Brigade, Kids in the Hall. Very old SNL.

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washingtonpost.com: Starkweather | Dean

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Bill Keane: Gene, it would appear that you and your son have hijacked one of my classics - the "son does daddy's job for Father's Day - do I not get a CPOTW out of this "homage?"

Dan Weingarten: This isn't actually Bil Keane, because the name is misspelled. However it was nice to see that, on Sunday, Billy DID draw his father's strip! And it WASN'T funny!

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Washington, D.C.: Dan,

What is your view on nepotism?

Dan Weingarten: Nepotism is fine. Cronyism, however, is inexcusable.

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Prove You Aren't Gene: I'm not convinced. This could all be a devilish attempt by Gene to fool us all so he can say "Gotcha" at the end of the chat. Pass along some information that will leave us with no doubt that you are Dan, not Gene.

Dan Weingarten: The main character of "The Invisibles" is king Mob, who is the alter ego of Grant Morrison, the writer.

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Ema, IL: What does your e-mail address mean?

Dan Weingarten: It means precisely what the poll means, which I will analyze in the next post.

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Dan Weingarten: Here is the poll explanation:

This poll incorporates some of my favorite things: humor, confusion and terror. Confusion and terror are problems that all humans must face on some level every single day. Humor is the best way to deal with the daily battle.

There are no right or wrong answers to this poll. The correct answer is whatever answer you found funniest.

Though I have to say that if you found this poll to be making fun of my father's poll, then your version of reality and mine are in synch.

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Therefore symbol: Sad to say, the name of the symbol is THERE4. Seriously. I looked it up. In a table full of Greek letters and explanations, this is what it listed for therefore. The closest I can come to an explanation on my own is that it resembles the delta character, which denotes "change," and so might be close; that is, this condition and that condition changes the conditions. It's the best I can do.

Dan Weingarten: CAN NO ONE DO BETTER THAN THIS?

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Columbia, Md. (Yuppyville USA): Can you stop with the laugh out loud jokes already! Usuallly I can read your dad's columns and quietly grin -- I've now had to answer two co-workers who have walked into my office and asked what was so funny. By the way -- any suggestions on a good work-related alibi when you laugh in the office and someone asks what is so funny? Thanks.

Dan Weingarten: Thank you.

For some reason, this reminds me of Monty Python's fatal joke.

When caught laughing, you want an alibi that stops all further inquiries. How about "African Laughing Sickness. It's contagious."

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Washington, D.C.: King Mob. Grant Morrison. The Invisibles. Hmmm, probably not Weingarten the Elder.

How 'bout a test question, then:

Name another comic Morrison wrote.

Dan Weingarten: Animal Boy. The new Barbarella.

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Family Portraits: Does MOLLY look like a cross between Charles Starkweather and James Dean, or does she look like Martha Stewart?

Also, is Liz wearing pants for this occasion?

Dan Weingarten: Liz may be wearing nothing. She is not in the office. She is at the beach somewhere, producing this chat on semi-vacation.

Molly looks really Irish.

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Kensington, Md.: I started a major fitness reworking of my body last August. I've dropped 50 pounds and am as fit as I've been in years. But I seem to have plateaued in terms of increasing strength on machines and in aerobics. I'm not worried about losing any more weight, but I want to increase strength and endurance. I am running out of gas at the same place and time when I exercise (4-5 times a week). Any suggestions?

Dan Weingarten: You dropped FIFTY POUNDS? How much more do you have to drop? "Fit as I've been in years" is no clue, pork-boy.

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Shans,BY: I found the picture in Sunday's column very disturbing, because Billy has no legs.

Dan Weingarten: I noticed that, too. Billy has an amputation fetish.

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Loath, IN: So Dan, any plans to emulate your father by dropping out of college and joining a street gang?

Dan Weingarten: I'm working seriously on the first part.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: When did Gene actually start using the WWW?

Dan Weingarten: This is in reference to my column, which pointed out that as late as 1998, he basically had no idea what the Web was. He's better now; his technological expertise approaches that of the average five-year-old.

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Mr. Know-It-All: The triangle of dots meaning "therefore" is one of a series, though the others are much less used. With the triangle pointing upwards, it means "therefore, arising from the previous argument." With the triangle pointing downwards, it means "because, due to the following." With the triangle pointing forward, it means "thus, this implies." With the triangle pointing backwards, it means "which is implied by." The idea, if I haven't already beaten it into the ground by now, is that the dots are a symbolic cairn pointing in the direction of the flow of logic.

Dan Weingarten: Excellent. Splendid. YOU STILL AREN'T GIVING IT A NAME.

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Chicago, Ill.: I would like to marry into your family. Gene, is 25 too old for Danny boy?

Dan Weingarten: I'll handle that one. Twenty five is fine!

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Baltimore, Md.: Did you find your father's editor to be a brutal butcher?

Dan Weingarten: Yes. He cut out one of my favorite lines from the column. I originally wrote that being publicly humiliated by my father desensitized me "the way a serial killer becomes desensitized to the screams of his victims." Tom the Butcher found this inappropriate, for some reason, and made me change it.

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Bite your toungue: How many times during this chat have the jabs at your father caused him to hesitate (grit his teeth, glare, etc.) before he started typing? Or, is he a LOT more tolerant than my dad when I do the same thing?

Dan Weingarten: He is as impervious to criticism as I am. Even more so. This stuff rolls off his back.

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Arlington, Va.: "The therefore symbol ()was first published in 1659 in the original German edition of Teusche Algebra by Johann Rahn (1622-1676) (Cajori vol. 1, page 212, and vol 2., page 282)."

I think we may have to cope with the reality that there is no name for it.

Dan Weingarten: Okay. At least this sounds authoritative.

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Washington, D.C.: I'm a college senior majoring in Russian Literature. Do you think I could fill in for my dad for a day?

P.S. He is a brain surgeon.

Dan Weingarten: Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't be whatever you want to be! Give it a try!

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Tom Was.: Right

Dan Weingarten: Thanks for checking in to the chat, Tom.

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No, ME!: Dan, why would you marry some ancient 25 year old? How about a hot 22? Heh heh.

washingtonpost.com: You people need to get out more.

Dan Weingarten: This is easy for Liz to say, out there in Bethany Beach.

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Cabin John, Md.: Secret Guest Host:
Could you post a link to the Saturday, June 19 "B.C.", just to get everyone supremely angry at Hart once and for all, and get his butt booted off the WaPo's comics page? This is really, really disgraceful; he wasn't content to stop at racist, anti-Semitic, anti-Islamic strips -- he really felt he needed to add homophobic to that list.
I know this isn't particularly funny, but neither is Hart, and we need to get him off the comics page.

Dan Weingarten: I will just put this out there. Beware, the one in question is Saturday's, not Sunday's. Click back one. My father and I are not sure whether the poster is right here or not.

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Finally: I got in, and all I had to do was be mistaken for someone else.

Dan Weingarten: Good for you! Whatever the hell you are talking about!

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Dan Weingarten: Okay, time's up. Thank you all a lot for great questions. I'll be handing this chat back to the old man next week, but I'm guessing we'll be seeing each other again.

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