Chatological Humor* (Updated 3.28.05)

Tuesdays With Moron

(Mara Abashian - washingtonpost.com)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This week's poll: For Women Only | For Men Only

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

_____________

washingtonpost.com: Good afternoon.

It's good to be back, except for the hollow, cobwebbed dungeon at the center of my being, an echo chamber of my own ineptitude, reverberating with defeat under the mirthless cackle of a pitiless God. I am attempting to write a complicated story, and way out of my depth. I am marinating in a foul soup of witlessness and intellectual infertility. I would sell my worthless, withered soul for an ounce of the juice that powers David Finkel or Anne Hull or David Von Drehle. The stench of failure is overwhelming; it is almost a palpable atmosphere that can be sucked into the lungs and drown you in its fetid moistness.

Howdy. How are things?

Shortly before I left for the place I left for, I checked out the comics pages and was stunned to find THIS. And when I returned I discovered an alert chatter person had noticed the same thing. So I e-mailed Bil Keane yesterday to ask the following: Am I not correct, sir, that most women shave their armpits in the shower, or standing at a sink topless, or at the very, very most, wearing a bra? How is it that little Jeffy is privy to this matter involving Thelma, his mama? Just what are you telling us about this household? What darkness lurks in that innocuous-seeming little circle?

Bil has not answered yet.

Okay, an important announcement about today's poll. There was an error in calibration for all entries posted before 9:30 this morning. We had to restart it. Apologies. Heads have rolled; bodies will be disposed of in an environmentally sound fashion. In short, if you answered the poll before 9:30 this morning, please re-submit.

As always, I will write an analysis midway through the chat.

I had a dream last night that I thought I would share with you, in light of my column on Sunday (Dreamworks This Ain't, Post Magazine, March 20). This was it: I was bringing my car in for an oil change. I filled out the requisite form, but the service station attendant told me I had listed the wrong car. It was true: Instead of my Mazda, I had brought my Toyota. This made the service station attendant suspicious, for some reason, and he asked that I write down the VIN number of my Mazda. I couldn't remember it, of course, though I tried gamely, getting down a few digits. But then I went home. That was the dream, in its entirety. Lars would have loved it.

I just learned of the existence of a tax expert named "Jean Chatzky." She should have my job. Also, I may have mentioned this before, but has anyone noticed ads in The Post for a cosmetic surgeon in McLean named... Magassy Csaba? Man. That is in the Aptonym Hall of Fame.

I missed a week of comics, but there were plenty of quality in the last few days alone. Still, what totally puzzled me was THIS sequence in "Candorville." Can anyone tell me why Susan goes house shopping while wearing a see-through negligee? Also, we need to punish Pastis for THIS. If you are going to steal, don't do it from a famous Saturday Night Live skit.

Comics runners-up of the week: Monday's Boondocks for making the best of a bad situation. Monday's B.C. for actually having a good religious cartoon, and Monday's Zits, for having a great sight gag.

The Comic Pick of the Week is today's Nonseq. Just because.

Okay, I will answer all questions except those on the Schiavo case, because it annoys me too much. Let's go.

_______________________

Washingtoon: Is there anything funny about the Terry Schiavo case?

Gene Weingarten: Of course there is. Hypocrisy is always funny.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: My initial reader poll for today was going to be this:

A. The actions of congress, the president, and the governor of Florida in the case of Terri Schiavo are:

1. Admirable acts of conscience that are vital to a respect for the sanctity of life.

2. Severely misguided acts, but ones done with the best of intentions.

3. Grotesuely hypocritical, politically motivated, wildly demagogic acts by individuals who will happily kill thousands in an immoral war, who will pooh-pooh torture, reward the architects of both the war and the torture with medals and promotions, and who will enthusiastically condone the death penalty. Their actions in this case may well result in their roasting in in Hell, if there is a Hell, which there may or may not be. We are not sure because we are not complete religious fanatics but normal, moral, confused, decent people trying to make sense of a difficult world, noble and honest in our uncertainty.

I decided not to do that, because it would seem too extreme. We must be more restrained.

Gene Weingarten: Has anyone raised the possibility that -- in the wildly unlikely case that this poor woman does in fact have some consciousness -- that what she is most likely thinking is KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME, and that, to her, those trying to save her life are foul beasts and tormenters? I mean, if you were one hundred percent trapped inside your own brain for 12 years, don't you think that would be YOUR state of mind?

But don't get me started.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Also, if you haven't seen it, look at today's Toles cartoon. Liz, can we link to it?

And don't get me started.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Toles, (March 22)

_______________________

Reston, Va.: Tell them about the time you flashed a nun, Pervoboy.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. This would be Ms. Tamara Jones of the Washington Post. I once made the mistake of telling her about the great humiliation of my life, when, at the age of 9, I was informed that my fly was open by a passing nun. Tammy never lets me forget it.

She, on the other hand, once accidentally propositioned me in print. It was an inadvertently suggestive word usage. But I will keep that secret.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Help! I'm moving to Miami! I got a condo at the corner of SW 104th street at US 1.

Give me advice!

Gene Weingarten: You're in South Miami. Nothing can help you, now. You will lose your soul.

_______________________

Gaithersburg, Md.: I received this from a friend today by email:

The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey.

The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gadget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tootie
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

According to this, your new name is Zippy Girdlechunks.

Just thought I'd share!

Signed,
Lumpy Stinkerlips

washingtonpost.com: I can't believe you typed all that in. -- Chim Chim Girdlebrain

Gene Weingarten: Honestly, there is genius in this. Our president is "Goober Chickenshorts."

_______________________

Anonymous: Is Tom Shales on crack? He gave a positive review to the soon-to-be-classic "Spring Break Shark Attack," saying, "the movie still works on its own frankly silly, fitfully gripping level."

Based on his review, we watched the flick, which turned out to be the sort of dreck you'd think, rather than competent but guilty pleasure he described.

Methinks he was hypnotized by the copious amounts of flesh on display than by anything else.

Now that I know to read his review and then believe the opposite, I now know I've been missing something by skipping that Tony Kornhiser show.

Gene Weingarten: Tom is usually right. On those rare occasions when he is wrong, he usually writes it so well I don't care. I think he was wrong about "Saving Milly," too. It was written by Jeff Arch, who is a friend of mine, but I still contend he was wrong. I found it deeply moving, searingly honest, and brilliantly acted.

_______________________

Silver Spring, Md.: It's about damn time.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, sorry about that starting delay. I am reliably informed the "server" is "down." You know, that could mean something pretty scandalous in a restaurant.

_______________________

McLean, Va.: Didja see Achenbach's blog about the Schaivo Hullabaloo?

Have you bothered to read any of his blog?

washingtonpost.com: Achenblog

Gene Weingarten: This is good. Ache is good. Read him. Also, his column Sunday was good. He has been envying whatsizname, Dubrovnik, his whole adult life. Liz, can we link to Joel's column about Duchovny?

_______________________

Lawn Guyland: Gene,

Leiby seems to be flaking out. First he limits his discussion to "safe" topics, now he is hinting at leaving. Can you give us our fill of gossip? Oh, by the way, he gives you the finger behind your back.

Gene Weingarten: There are intense rumors that he is leaving to become a llama farmer in Argentina.

_______________________

Formerly, AK: How did you like the Iditarod?

Gene Weingarten: Wasn't there. Sorry. Close, but no doggie cigar.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: I can't get the Family Circus link to work. Is it just me?

washingtonpost.com: Checking... while I think of more ways to let Gene down today.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, poo.

Okay, well, Jeffy is watching his Dad shave, and he says, "Mommy uses one of those under her shoulders." Relax, Lizzie.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: You seem out of sorts. You should read the recent Salon article about writing while on Meth (speed). You might have a breakthrough.

Gene Weingarten: I did plenty of that in college. I wrote a cover story for New York Magazine in two days.

Not smart. Kids: Not smart.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: David Duchovny is Da Bomb, (Post Magazine, March 20)

_______________________

Re: Your absence: Rehab? GED? Dude ranch? Reality show tryout? Round-the-world balloon ride? Intermittent vegetative state? Ostomy recovery?

Gene Weingarten: When I am in ostomy recovery, you will know it. The openings for humor will be intense.

Openings!

_______________________

Atlanta, Ga.: Gene,

Whoa. Don't do that again, no chat for three weeks. Left all us folks without a life jones-ing, forcing us to read chats like Leiby's (who claims, BTW, that you have been in re-hab all this time!)

washingtonpost.com: Ya, it was awful. Really.

Gene Weingarten: Liz is using "sarcasm."

_______________________

Toles: OK, so the Tom Toles cartoon illustrates a fundamental misunderstanding (I had it myself until recently). When people hear "persistent vegetative" and "feeding tube" they picture someone in bed hooked up to tubes. But she's not like that. She sits up, responds to her mother, isn't hooked up to anything except at feeding time. I guess I have a hard time believing her husband really has her best interests at heart, what with the new family and all...

Gene Weingarten: Please.

Every court and every doctor with direct knowledge agrees. Her brain, the cognitive part, is dead. Her brain stem is active. I saw exactly the same thing in Audrey Santo, the little girl I once wrote about who was said to be making statues weep.

_______________________

Ha Ha: I'm Zippy Girdlebuns, much cooler than Girdlechunks.

Gene Weingarten: It is!

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: Hey, my dreams are not only mundane, they are detailed, logical, and persuasive. That makes them dangerous, because I wake convinced that I have done something I haven't.

It's a particular problem when I can't check discreetly to see if something really happened. I can look in the fridge to see if I bought groceries, look at the car to see if it had a new registration sticker, but how do I know if a friend really told me her husband's latest round of chemo didn't go well?

Gene Weingarten: A lot of people are saying stuff like this. I am not as alone as I thought. Yes, I have dreamed that my daughter called from Denver to tell me nothing much was new.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: This seems up, if not your alley, then your chatters. Why is porn sold in airports, particularly inside the security gate where only arriving and departing passengers are allowed? Because there's a market, yes, but who buys it? And when do they intend to use -- er, peruse -- it?

Gene Weingarten: It is purchased by men, who are going to be alone in hotel rooms. Duh.

_______________________

Pittsburgh, Pa.: Glad this chat is back! It's become part of my Tuesday lunchtime tradition, crumbs in my keyboard not withstanding. Where were you or are you sworn to secrecy?

Gene Weingarten: I was in a faraway place, discovering my incompetence.

_______________________

Ho, LA: Welcome back, Gene! Hiya, Liz!

Comics question for you: In Get Fuzzy on March 1, we're given an idea of what Bucky sounds like. Is this a comics first?

Gene Weingarten: I was out of town. This is very funny, particularly the kicker line.

_______________________

Port Royal, Jamaica: Gene, I really, really wanted to answer the hook, just for the pirate aspect. I had too much respect for your poll and answered the most truthful way, puttin' on the weight. But, still, arrr, there's piratin' to be done!

Gene Weingarten: I would have gone for the hook, I think, for reasons I will explain.

_______________________

Fairfax, Va.: I like the new picture.

Gene Weingarten: Me, too.

_______________________

Vanity Fer, AL: Gene -- Do you ever read Tina Brown's weekly Post column? Is it just me or is it one of the worst-written, most incoherent regular features in any major U.S. newspaper? The only way I get through it is by reading Wonkette's weekly "We Understand Tina Brown's Column So You Don't Have To" feature.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, in my opinion, it's been getting a lot better.

_______________________

Schaivo (you forced me): On the other hand, is it possible that the husband is a sleazebag adulterer who wants to use the insitution of marriage when it's convenient, yet ignore it when it's time to get some with another woman who just happens to have borne a couple of his kids?

Gene Weingarten: No, it is not.

Give. Me. A. Break.

_______________________

Do I know you?: Is Ms. Tamara Jones from a little backwater known as Franklin?

Gene Weingarten: No.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: Gene:

I lifted (stole) this from the comments section of the Comics Curmudgeon (www.joshreads.com), which is the best comics resources out there (yes, better than you). Thought the readers might find this analysis of Get Fuzzy interesting:

"The thing about GF is that it's not a strip that goes for the traditional punchline. Most strips, it's: read three panels and laugh at the end (if you're lucky). With GF, it's: read panel, giggle, read panel, giggle some more, read panel, giggle and let out a sigh of refreshment, never noticing that there was no "joke" at the end, it was just funny all the way through.

"Furthermore, GF is an acquired taste. Almost nobody I know (including myself) liked it the first time they read it. That's because the humor is based on the well-developed personalities of the main characters, and you need time to get to know them before you really appreciate what's funny about them. Don't come to the strip expecting Garfield; Bucky needs far more description than "fat, lazy, and likes lasagna."

Gene Weingarten: This is an extremely good explanation of the appeal of Get Fuzzy. I also did not like it for about the first month. You have to "Get" Get Fuzzy.

_______________________

Shaving: Yes, most of us shave in the shower. Few of us shave topless over the sink. None of us shaves while wearing a bra, it's impossible to do this without getting the bra wet. However, some of us have shower doors, rather than curtains; some of us have shower doors that are not completely opaque, and some of us would allow a male child of Jeffy's age into the bathroom while using said shower. That's why my three-year-old knows the difference between how mommy shaves and how daddy shaves.

So, the cartoon is stupid, but it doesn't suggest anything untoward.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

_______________________

Today's Poll: In today's poll, I picked spending a month in Europe, which I would absolutely love to do, but in real life I would probably pick either the new room or the art, since those could both be considered investments and would probably make me money in the long term. Also, the last question was impossible. I wouldn't do any of those things for money. I noticed that gaining 30 pounds was the most popular answer, but I wouldn't do that either. I just lost 20 pounds and have 20 more to go and I was so miserable being overweight that there's no way I would want to do that. I picked registering as a sex offender because I figured nobody really looks at the list anyway so nobody would know. Am I weird?

Gene Weingarten: Please understand that the poll asked which you would be "most likely" to do. I would have done none of them for $5 mil, but would have probably considered two of the four for $10 mil. Ten million dollars means that I, my children, and probably my grandchildren will not have money worries.

_______________________

Dreamland: What about sex dreams? Or the lack of them, I guess. I am woman who occasionally wakes up due to the, uh, response such a dream might cause. This morning, for the first time I actually remembered the dream. Loopy Bubblebrain

Gene Weingarten: You know, "Loopy Bubblebrain" is great.

_______________________

Salt Lake City, Utah: So - as a newbie to your chats, during your prolonged (and apparently painful) absence, I've been reading through your chat archives and of course this leads to a burning question: Why is Chatwoman referred to (on multiple occasions) as "Oh pantless one"?

washingtonpost.com: Because Gene is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Gene Weingarten: Precisely. Because I have noted, on several occasions, that Liz conducts these chats sans pants. For the record, she has never contradicted this. I am just saying.

_______________________

Dream a little Dream: I have been unwaveringly faithful to every girl I've dated and to the woman I eventually married. I've never so much as kissed another woman and I've never regretted my fidelity.

That said, I occasionally have dreams wherein I am being seduced by some beautiful woman (usually a stranger) and at the last minute, just before it's time to close the deal, I always pull away and say some variation on, "No, I can't, I'm already with someone."

This I regret. Is there any way I can change this aspect of my dreamlife?

I even had one recently where I KNEW it was a dream but still didn't let myself go for the gold. How pathetic is that?

Gene Weingarten: Admit it, you are tricking me into posting this so you can show it to your wife, and get lucky.

_______________________

Bethesda, Md.: I can't believe I'm going to out myself like this but your article this weekend brought some interesting memories to light.

I used to dream frequently of a desperate search for a bathroom. The strangest things would happen to keep me from a usable toilet -- stalls filled with chickens, toilets missing from houses, crazy things. One time in my dream I searched and found a bathroom in a house I had lived in during college...unfortunately I woke up suddenly when I sat on the toilet, because I wet the bed.

Needless to say, after that experience I was glad to not find a functional bathroom in my dream and eventually I got to the point where the dream would wake me up so I could get up to find a real bathroom.

I don't know why I had to share that with you, but I did. I guess I should be glad one thing was never in my dream: POOP!

Gene Weingarten: I think you need to tell us your name and where you work.

_______________________

Invitation, AL: SI announced the Flushies awards. Is this open to the public? Is it fun? What's the dress code?

Gene Weingarten: Is the Empress out there to explain this?

_______________________

Re: Sleazebag adulterer: Heterosexual female here...it sure is easy for people to make snap judgments when they haven't been in that situation themselves. If your spouse was in a vegetative state for 15 years, wouldn't you eventually seek companionship in some form? Just because her life is essentially over doesn't mean yours has to be as well. At first I thought the guy was a pig, but the more I thought about it, I saw his point of view. Not condoning it, but not vilifying him either.

(I'm sure I'll get raked over the coals for this, but I don't care.)

Gene Weingarten: Hell, I'm condoning it.

She. Is. Dead.

_______________________

Anonymous: I would like to point out (1) Mr. Schindler, Terri's father, admitted under oath he would be doing the same thing even if Terri had left the clearest of instructions, including a living will, that the feeding tube be removed in her present state. So this is NOT about Terri's wishes. (2) The 4-minute video clip of Terri supposedly responding to stimuli leaves out 4 HOURS of video showing her completely non-responsive to stimuli. (3) Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN's medical expert and a neurologist (unlike Mr. Frist), said he has found NO instance of someone recovering from Terri's condition and that medical protocols properly define her condition as a PERMANENT, not persistent, vegatative state. He also said the two physicians appointed by the Schindlers who said Terri may not be in a persistant vegatative condition have been discredited. (4) The local Catholic Bishop (of the St. Petersburg, FL, diocese) released a statement last week saying it's time for Terri's husband, Michael, to implement Terri's wish to be disconnected.

Our collective growth as a nation is the only thing in a persistent vegatative state.

Gene Weingarten: Yes.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene can I assume changing one's height is the same as changing one's body in question one?

Poopsie Chickenpants

Gene Weingarten: Yes, you can.

_______________________

Drea, MS: "I have dreamed that my daughter called from Denver to tell me nothing much was new."

Can you be sure that she didn't really, and is now just messing with you?

Gene Weingarten: Hm.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Today's best headline is from the Boston Herald, on the reports that Demi Moore is pregnant:

Rumer's Mom Mum on Mom Rumors

Gene Weingarten: Wow. That is great.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: In a past chat you mentioned that one way to judge an infant's sense of humor was to notice when they laughed first; while playing peekaboo or while being tickled.

How about a baby that laughs so hard she almost throws up while mom and dad throw her stuffed barn animals at each other?

Gene Weingarten: Comic genius.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Dear Gene,

You seem like the only possible person to ask this of. Why do our heads snap up when we fall asleep sitting up?

Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: Because our heads contain our ears, which have three little bones that control our sense of balance. When our head snaps down, they tell the brain we are falling.

_______________________

Madison, Wis.: This is my favorite bit of news I saw today (on March 8):

The names of a species of fox, wild sheep, and roe deer found in one country will be changed because the references to other nationalities and ethnic groups in their Latin designations threaten the national unity of that country.

That's funny in itself, of course, the tying of taxonomy to, for example, the denial of genocide.

But here's the best part: the country renaming animals that contain ill-considered references to other nations' names? Is Turkey.

Gene Weingarten: Excellent.

_______________________

This is really funny: "in my opinion, it's been getting a lot better"

You can't outright insult Tina Brown, it's probably in your contract. But man, you said it all.

Gene Weingarten: I CAN TOO INSULT TINA BROWN. Her column for the first few months was a laughingstock. But she found her voice. I look forward to it now.

_______________________

Washington, D.C. : Gene, I just wanted to let you know that I dry shave my pits. I know I am unusual, but come summer I love that my skin is less sensitive so I can do a quick touch up with my clothes on. I have heard of other women that do this, too.

washingtonpost.com: No, no, no.

Gene Weingarten: No, no, no. I don't really know why I am saying this, but I trust Liz.

_______________________

Ears: I don't think it's the bones. It's that other thingie -- the cochlea or however it's spelled.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, wait. Totally correct. Sorry, my fault. It's the vestibules in the cochlea. The bones just transmit vibes.

_______________________

Woodstock, Md.: If I ask a question about the NCAA tournament, will you post it?

Gene Weingarten: No.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Can we please keep this a Schiavo-free forum?

...After this one post, of course.

What sort of nonsense is that poster spouting about Terri's husband not having her best interests in mind? Who on god's green earth would EVER put themselves through what this man has been through if he didn't really believe in what he was doing?

You actually think that because he's fallen in love again he's trying to get rid of her like in some terrible crime novel? Why wouldn't he just divorce her? Or relinquish guardianship to her parents? The money isn't an issue -- that's all been spent on medical and legal fees. Her parents have admitted that even if she had a living will that stated what 15 judges have affirmed she believes, they would still be fighting Michael in court.

Dumba**.

Now let's get back to the poo chat.

Gene Weingarten: Yes.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Okay, well, I think the poll results are interesting for how uninteresting they are. Men and women haven't shown a huge difference in how they react, which surprises me. Both show a basic horrific aversion to amputation! Both men and women would change their bodies if they could, in most cases (I assume) this means lose weight. Yet, given the choices in question three, they would become huge porkers rather than lose teeth, hand, or reputation. Interesting.

I would have gone for the hook, I think (though it probably would have required ten million, not five.) I could handle a hook. The biggest downside would be I could not play catch with my grandkids. Gaining 30 pounds would be a non-starter for me. It would really change the way I felt about myself, in a bad way. (Liz agrees, by the way. "I am not going to gain no 30 pounds," was the way she put it. She opted, reluctantly, for the hook.)

I would have sought more intelligence, by the way. I expected most men to go there, and for women to be evenly split between emotional and body. I was wrong. This is why I need more intelligence.

Lastly, we all seem to be overworked. The attraction of the European vacation surprised me. It was my choice, too.

_______________________

I've got you both beat: I'm Tootie Bubbletush.

Gene Weingarten: Oooh.

_______________________

Broomes Island, Md.: A few chats ago, when someone asked if you would get any cash should that person buy your book, would you benefit, you commented that the person "doesn't know the publishing business". Can we assume by that that you have not yet made enugh on the sale of your book to recoup your advance?

and secondly, can we assume by that answer, that it is better to buy NEW books rather than USED books, because an author DOESN'T make any profit from USED books?

Gene Weingarten: It is quite rare for a book to "earn out,"; that is, make more for the author than the advance. Neither of my books has come close. This raises the obvious question of how the publishers make money. The answer is that 1) if a nonentity writer like me eventually makes it big with a book or in his career, his back listings will start to sell, too. And, 2) all these loss leader books are offset by those rare books that make a fortune, such as "Eats Shoots and Leaves." Which, by the way, is excellent.

Oh, that reminds me, my son Dan was reading "Eats Shoots and Leaves," the other day, in particular the chapter on the serial comma.

He came out of the bathroom and asked me: "Do you suppose confusion over the serial comma might explain confusion over the meaning of The Holy Trinity?" By the time we stopped laughing we decided this is too inappropriate (and not quite logical) to mention.

Oh, and, technically, yes -- you are doing the author a favor by buying a new book, since all new-book sales count toward his "earning out." In my case, however, you would have to buy about 15,000 copies to make up the difference. So, what the hell, grab the bargains.

_______________________

McLean, Va.: I figured you would have given this before, but I looked through the archives of the chat and couldn't find it. What is your definition of humor?

Gene Weingarten: Well, here is Dave Barry's seminal definition of a sense of humor:

"A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which you realize you are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how you express the anxiety you feel at this knowledge."

If this defines the ability to understand humor, and it clearly does, then humor is the condition causing the perception of humor; eg, humor is a concise statement -- in writing, in speech, in imagery, or through a simple observed event -- of the inherent illogicality and absurdity and inanity of life.

I don't believe I have been impelled to codify this before. Thank you for the opportunity.

_______________________

Fallujah, Iraq: Gene --
Just submitting early because, well, I'm in Iraq. Wanted to say I loved "I'm With Stupid." I downloaded the eBooks version from Palm Digital Media and read it on my Sony Clie' while I was stuck for 48 hours in a Yugoslav-built aircraft hangar cum arrival/departure terminal in Taqaddum. It did make some people look at me funny when I was laughing out loud at some of the passages in the book. Not too many people laugh out here. Looking forward to the article coming out of your secret trip. Only 83 more days out here in the vacation-land, then back to civilization!

Gene Weingarten: I'm posting this because I think it's true. Welcome, soldier. Godspeed.

_______________________

Basil the Boring: Why oh Why does Wiley insist on taking perfectly good space, which we all know he is capable of filling with funny comics, and instead go for weeks on end with a story that has few pictures, small text, and no point?

Some serious marrying Irving going on here (though he's done it before).

Gene Weingarten: It is a major error, born of arrogance. Wiley thinks he is a genius, and that we all clamor for whatever he doles out. It's a shame because this guy is good. But those who know him (I do not) also report he is churlish, and snippy, and aloof.

As mentioned before, this strip married Irving with the introduction of Lucy the Horse.

_______________________

Shaving: I've been known to do a dry touch up too. I then leave the house with bleeding armpits and a rash to end all days. This doesn't sway me from doing it again.
Poopsie Appleface

washingtonpost.com: Hey, a warm washcloth strategically applied works wonders.

Gene Weingarten: I love the directions this chat takes. Any other grooming advice for the gals?

_______________________

Woodstock, Md.: Straight male here(except when I drive a golf ball)-

This may be better posted to Liz than Gene. Why do women continue to engage in so many unpleasant activities that are considered societal norms such as shaving armpits and legs, wearing high heels and stockings, etc.? I keep expecting a mass rebellion.

washingtonpost.com: I dunno -- why do you cut your hair? Wear shoes? Bathe?

Gene Weingarten: Good answer. Though maybe he doesn't.

_______________________

I eloped: "Cathy" is worse since she's been married. Cutsie power-struggles. I'm keeping this short because you have to read a lot.

Gene Weingarten: It's true. I held a vague hope that the marriage might save the strip. It is simply as unbearable as ever.

_______________________

Coalserve, Tex.: Hi Gene. You've been sorely missed, but I hope your journey to where ever you went left you a better man. I'm positive you're thrilled to be back, as we readers of your discussion are more fun than anything else on earth. OK... so I'm sure you've probably been asked this, but is Johnny Hart purposefully incorporating artistic conflict in Sunday's cartoon? I've heard the Freemasons supposedly have information regarding the whole B.C./A.D. changeover. Is Hart a member of the fraternity to your knowledge? Or does he change millenium to accompany plot? A trivial confusion, granted, but I'm bored at work. Welcome back!

washingtonpost.com: B.C., (March 20)

Gene Weingarten: I think this is a rather charming strip. I like it. I'm not sure what illogicality you refer to, other than the obvious, transcendent anachronism about referring to Jesus in a strip called "Before Christ."

If so, you must be new to these chats. This has been discussed ad nauseam. B.C., clearly, exists in the future, not the past, in a postapocalyptic world.

_______________________

Animal Crackers: You've got to be kidding. The entire premise of your Rats column in The Post is that a mature adult like you (!) nourishes himself on Animal Crackers! What are the options here? You have very plebian tastes? The crackers are very old and date back to the childhood of your grown children? Or maybe that the rats, seeing the pictures on the box and considering themselves animals, understood that this was a bit of generosity on your part? How would Gina interpret your behavior?

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Oh, Rats, (Post Magazine, Feb. 27)

Gene Weingarten: I like bland food. One day, I shall write a monograph on the subject and it will become a classic of food literature. I also like Lorna Doones. And marshmallows, uncooked.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: Would you trust your daughter's boyfriend to impartially decide your daughter's fate if he stood to gain a six-figure payout from her death? What if he had two kids with another woman while making the decision? What if he had refused any new tests for over 13 years to determine the mental state of your daughter? What if 33 doctors and therapists said your daughter was not in a vegetative state?

Gene Weingarten: He is not deciding her fate. Lots and lots of doctors with direct knowledge of the case, and impartial judges, are deciding her fate.

The vitriol agaianst the husband in this case is appalling.

_______________________

The Empress of The Style Invitational: The Flushie Awards banquet is put on annually by the Not Ready for the Algonquin Roundtable Society, which is a group of regular Style Invitational contestants and assorted pathetic hangers-on.

They consort online through a user group called Losernet, through which they share their unprinted entries and unprintable jokes, vent about the poor judgment of The Empress (who is not a member of Losernet), and coordinate monthly Sunday brunches and, in spring, the Flushies, at which they "honor" the Loser of the Year, Rookie of the Year, etc. While the Czar declined to appear at these functions (this is the 10th), the Empress stopped by at the last two or three and plans to show again.

This year's event is already oversold -- those who've signed up will already be hard-pressed to find a place to sit. If you are an Invitational regular, check out www.gopherdrool.com (be sure to type in "www"), the Losers' Web site, for details on joining this motley crew.

Gene Weingarten: Now we know.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: I'm surprised that you're struggling with your writing. By contrast, during your absence, I actually sat down and wrote an entire book about your chat. It's called "Tuesdays With Moron."

washingtonpost.com: BWAA HAAAAA HAAAA

Gene Weingarten: See, you made Liz cry.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Hm. That may be a better title than "Chatological Humor." We shall have to consider that.

_______________________

Poll: Gene,

I am a woman. In the first question, I chose emotional makeup, because if that's really strong, then I won't be so concerned with how I look. Second, the vacation--don't love art, don't have a house, would love to go to Europe. Third, the weight--because I struggle with my weight a little bit, and it would be nice not to struggle and have a good excuse for it.

Gene Weingarten: Interesting answer to #3!

_______________________

Been there, too: Gene,
Just to clarify, not everyone who goes to Iraq is a soldier. There are vast numbers of civilians putting their lives out there, too.

Gene Weingarten: I assumed it was a soldier because of the date certain of the return. Mebbe not.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: I would note that your admission of liking bland food completely explains your preference for milk chocolate. Gene Weingarten: Bland food is not really bland. It is subtle, for people who discriminate.

_______________________

Comic Strip Writers: Gene this has been bothering me for some time: why is it that comic strip writers/illustraters only ever have ONE successful comic? Why can't, when a strip gets old, they retire it and start a new one? Its like saying a novelist could only ever write one book! Plus, if they could make new strips, it would help avoid the problem of "marrying Irving." Please enlighten me!

Gene Weingarten: The problem is the old Velvet Coffin. Once a strip gets really popular, it is a cash cow and you cannot stop. That is why I really respect Watterson and Larson.

Tom Batiuk does Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, I think. Neither very good.

The best example I can think of is the great Joe Martin. Porterfield, Mr. Boffo, Willy N Ethel. All very good. He is a God.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: On Schiavo - her brain has turned to liquid, folks. C'mon! Plus, my wife has given me a list of four women I can date/marry should anything happens to her. Of course, her list does not match my last.

Poopsie ChickenNose

Gene Weingarten: What sort of woman has she picked out for you? That's interesting.

_______________________

Liz wears dresses...: Right? Right!?!?

Liz's Dad.

washingtonpost.com: Wow, all the way from heaven.

Gene Weingarten: The magic of the Web!

_______________________

Dull-as, Va.: I don't shave pits or legs. This is because my body hair is so blonde even my husband can't tell that I don't shave unless he examines me with a magnifying lens under a fluorescent lamp. It took me years to realize my shaving was pointless; one day in the middle of doing so I realized I was shaving the same area of my leg over and over because I couldn't tell what I had shaved and what I hadn't. Less time shaving means more time for fun, so this blonde does have more fun.

Gene Weingarten: Well, aren't we the cat's meow? Here is a woman to hate, ladies.

_______________________

For Pete's sake...: From everything I've read, reliable commentators -- who've actually _examined_ her, rather than watched a four-minute video -- have concluded that she has no higher brain function. The "experts" the parents have put forth are almost entirely quacks or ideologically motivated. And I cannot believe that her husband would have persisted in his cause for years if he didn't genuinely believe that she wouldn't want this. If he were driven by other, baser motivations, he could have simply passed guardianship on to her parents and gotten on with his life. No "six-figure payout" can be worth this.

Gene Weingarten: You got it.

_______________________

Tuesdays with Moron: This title was suggested by Anne Coulter at one point, according to a Reliable Source item. Just so you know.

Gene Weingarten: ANN SUGGESTED THAT FOR MY CHAT???

_______________________

re: Bland food: you said that bland food was " is subtle, for people who discriminate." My wife often jokes about my preference for bland food, but I can distinguish between Cheerios made in different parts of the country, and, if I thought hard about it, could probably identify the location where they were made by their taste.

Gene Weingarten: Yep. And I find mashed potatoes completely different, depending on the age and type of the potatoes.

_______________________

Are you going to start updating the archives again?: Or is it too much to keep up in your misery?

Gene Weingarten: No, I will.

_______________________

Loopy Livershorts: My husband and I are both Loopy Livershorts. Does this mean we are soul mates? Until now I wasn't sure soul mates existed.....

Gene Weingarten: Well, this is less unusual that it seems, if you share the last name.

_______________________

re: more pit shaving: Well, a warm cloth isn't exactly dry shaving, but you could do it with your shirt on, no? So do we have agreement that Thelma could have shaved fully clothed in front of little J? We need consensus here.

Gene Weingarten: But why in heck WOULD she have?

_______________________

Fay, ME: If you change the name of the chat to "Tuesdays With Moron," I expect credit. That was me.

(Bob Dalton, Arlington, VA)

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

_______________________

Witness Protection Act Location Undisclosed: My wife gave me a list of other women I could marry: Lorena Bobbitt and Courtney Love.

Gene Weingarten: She'd let you marry Courtney Love? My wife might insist on Melissa Etheridge.

_______________________

Malaise: Sorry you're blocked...but if you sold your soul, how much of Leiby's talent do you think you could you get?

Gene Weingarten: I'm not blocked, I'm incompetent. There is a big different. If you have writer's block, you can recover.

Thank you all. An excellent hour, with provocative questions. I will be updating through the week. See you next week, same time. Tuesdays With Moron.

_______________________

Liz, Liz, Liz: Liz always provides a powerful amount of insight, but she falls short on the "societal norms" question. You can't equate high heels, armpit shaving and leg shaving to haircuts, shoes and bathing. The first three are said to be uncomfortable and unpleasant, but "the price of beauty." Wearing shoes, however, is awesome. My day would suck without shoes. Same with bathing. And I used to enjoy haircuts before I went bald.

I have to agree with your poster, women go through a lot of crap because they are "supposed to." It's probably time for an uprising.

washingtonpost.com: I need more time to defend myself here. You enjoyed getting your hair cut. I enjoy shaving my legs -- or the result of shaving my legs. It's a personal preference at this point. I also have friends who don't shave. I love them and respect their choices, but it ain't for me. Just like a mohawk ain't for me now, but was in 10th grade -- despite societal norms.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. A Mohawk!

_______________________

UPDATED 03.23.05

Great Falls, Va.: Hey Gene,
Was that really a conversation with Von Trier? I've always thought that you really recorded these bizarre conversations, but this interview was so perfect, I had to think that you wrote it.

If you do just make these up, can you have a "conversation" with our Good Leader President Bush? I think that could get much more surreal...

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: It was really Von Trier. And he was terrific, two steps ahead of me.

Listen, when I claim I have interviewed someone, it is real. I don't make stuff up, unless in context it is obvious to everyone it is made up.

_______________________

Far Away: Hi Gene, Grand Master Of What's Funny Or Not

Wait Wednesday to answer this (because it's the dead-line) : what would be your answer to the caption contest of Monday's "Speed Bump?"

Gene Weingarten: This was in reference to a "provide a caption" contest in "Speed Bump" a few weeks ago. I can't link to it, but it showed a woman in a diner offering what appeared to be a cup of coffee to an ape or an apelike creature, who was holding his hands out, palms outward, as if to decline. The creature was speaking. You were supposed to fill in the balloon.

In fact, I sent in an entry at 7 am that morning! My caption was: "No thanks, I'm an Australopithecan. The Java Man will be around later."

_______________________

State of Persistive Vegetation: If I end up in such a state, you have my permission to pull my feeding tube only if I become the subject of endless media blather and grandstanding by idiot politicians.

Gene Weingarten: Noted!

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene,
I am one of the people that doesn't get my paper delivered until 8 A.M. - long after I arrive at work - so don't read the paper until the evening (you know, when all the news is old). Anyway, thank you for posting the Toles cartoon early in the day, this was a classic. This case has infuriated me on so many levels, so I'm with you: don't get me started! My rants would last for days.

One more thing: under the natural and logical assumption Leiby would not mislead us, please stay away from the Demon Rum.

Gene Weingarten: Oddly enough, because of Leiby's pronouncement, several people have tactfully inquired about this, and one or two have offered advice from personal experience. I am actually touched. And thank you.

No, I was not drying out. I am fine. No addictions. No medical problems. I was on a story in Alaska. It was very, very cold.

_______________________

UPDATED 03.24.05

Poll intelligence: Duh, all of us Washingtonians think we're the smartest people on earth. But we're all afraid that we're ugly or emotionally insecure. "Politics is show business for ugly people."

Gene Weingarten: Printing this because I like the quote.

_______________________

Pirate Jokes, AR: Oh, Gene great arbiter of humor that you are you unfortunately mangled a somewhat funny joke in that your delivery was all wrong. I took your advice the past few weeks and have been reading the discussions that I have missed in the past. In one of them (I forget which one, sorry), you tell the joke about the pirate walking into a bar with a steering column down his pants. But unfortunately, you left out the very part about the pirate that makes it funny AND why it has to be a pirate that says it. Sigh, here is the correct telling:

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering column down his pants. The bartender says "Hey buddy, why do you have a steering wheel down your pants?" and the pirate says "Arrrgggghh, it's drivin' me nuts." Obviously funnier when told out loud, the pirate "Arrgggh" is key. That is the part you omitted in your original telling. Shame, Gene, shame.

And now, a little roo-roo.

Gene Weingarten: You are wrong. I told it not as a pirate but as an Irishman, which is actually better when delivered with a convincing Irish brogue. What he says is, "Ayyy don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts."

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Hey Gene,
You might have been all over this one already, and I'm not sure if it counts as an aptonym anyway, but if so, I think it's my all-time favorite.

Police find marijuana-growing operation in in dead teacher's home
Associated Press
March 4, 2005, 10:57 AM EST

JACKSONVILLE -- Police who went to check on a high school teacher found him dead in his home along with a marijuana growing operation.

After Parker High School earth science teacher Terry Hannabas, 55, failed to show up for work for two days, police broke into his locked house and found him dead in the bathroom.

Police found marijuana growing in two bedrooms of the house. They seized 76 marijuana plants; equipment that included a ventilation fan, two scales, an odor elimination device, rolling papers, a bong, several pipes and three tanks of carbon dioxide.

Gene Weingarten: This is ALMOST a great aptonym.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene,
I am one of the people that doesn't get my paper delivered until 8 a.m. -- long after I arrive at work -- so don't read the paper until the evening (you know, when all the news is old). Anyway, thank you for posting the Toles cartoon early in the day, this was a classic. This case has infuriated me on so many levels, so I'm with you: don't get me started! My rants would last for days.

One more thing: under the natural and logical assumption Leiby would not mislead us, please stay away from the Demon Rum.

Gene Weingarten: Oddly enough, because of Leiby's pronouncement, several people have tactfully inquired about this, and one or two have offered advice from personal experience. I am actually touched. And thank you.

No, I was not drying out. I am fine. No addictions. No medical problems. I was on a story in Alaska. It was very, very cold.

_______________________

Condo, MS: Can I rightly assume this was brought to your attention by hundreds of alert readers? From the Sunday post column on the sex ed video...

"Condoms are not working," said Walter Harders, an insurance agent who took a turn at the microphone.

Gene Weingarten: Nice!

_______________________

Upstate New York: So, thanks to your chat, last night I had a dream about shaving my armpits while standing at the sink! Thanks so much for the great service your chat provides.

Amy

_______________________

UPDATED 03.25.05

Gene Weingarten: A couple of people have questioned my description of our adventure in Iraq as an "immoral" war. What is immoral, they ask, about trying to liberate an oppressed people? It may be a stupid war, or an unnecessary war, a badly conducted war, but not an immoral one.

This is a reasonable point. I should clarify. I consider it immoral because it was a war waged on a pretext, sold to the country through misrepresentation. People have a right to know why their children are being asked to die.

If they not told the truth, I consider the resulting war immoral.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I need a quick punch line. I am recently Agnostic after (what feels like) a lifetime of Christianity. As a result, I do not celebrate Easter, in part because I actually still have respect for the holiday (the main one in the religion). I really hate it when people tell me "Happy Easter," mostly because they are offended when I don't say it back. The few times I said, "I don't celebrate," I was treated badly. So, any comic relief for this heathen?

Gene Weingarten: Say "Hagooten Paysach to you, too."

_______________________

Submitting this again because I forgot the address line the first time: Quote Gene: I expected most men to go [for intelligence], and for women to be evenly split between emotional and body.

So... Gene believes that women are mostly namby-pamby diet-obsessed softies, who value these traits over a one which would allow them to be more perceptive in ALL areas and navigate more easily through life's traps?

(No, I'm not strictly speaking a woman, due to my age, but I share the gender.)

Gene Weingarten: Wrong. I believed that most men would be essentially unconcerned about how they look, because they have a certain arrogance. They will proudly stride around with a bathtub sized belly, and think themselves God's gift to women. And they would barely recognize they HAVE an emotional makeup. And they would see a spike in intelligence as a way to make money.

_______________________

Maryland: Err... Your $35,000 question is weird. What kind of sports car do you expect you could be with $35K? You need at least $50K, and really more like $75K or $100K to have a lot of choice. A Dodge Neon SRT-4 is under $30K and fast, fast, fast but a 4-door Neon does not a sports car make. I am disappointed that a man knows so little about cars and a woman needs to bring him up to speed.

Gene Weingarten: Several people made this claim. Listen, I would dig an Audi TT. Also a Mazda Miata.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Let's kill Shiavo. While we're at it, let's open the door to killing all retarded people. Eventually, we can become like the Nazis and kill all cripples -- after all, they're just a drag on our economy anyway. Hey... let's bring Kevorkian out of jail and have him set up shop again... maybe in Tysons mall. Life -- all life -- is a beautiful thing, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: No, "all life" is not a beautiful thing. Many lives are very ugly things. And all births are not miracles. And sometimes, death is a welcome alternative to pain and suffering. And if you do not have a brain, you are not alive.

Lets grow up here.

UPDATED 03.28.05

Haymarket, Va.: One of your best Sunday columns was a "review" of one of those "leadership and positive thinking orgies," headlined by retired Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf, among others. Interestingly enough, you got some good mileage out of Donald Trump who, if I remember correctly, told you, "I think you have to go for it," when asked if the entire affair should be trashed in your column. I'd like to read it again. Liz, can we link it?

Gene Weingarten: Lizzie? Search my name and Trump and "Frankensteinian."

washingtonpost.com: No.

We'll just post the whole thing here.

Below the Belway
Jan. 7, 2001

I just got back from a 10-hour personal empowerment extravaganza by famed self-help guru Anthony Robbins. It changed my life.

I have learned the value of perseverance -- namely, that no matter how bored one is by an endlessly stupid, fist-pumping greedfest for an arena full of self-besotted mercenary wienerheads, one should resist the urge to leave early, because Donald Trump might just show up as the last speaker and, talking solemnly from the bottom of his heart, make you nearly wet your pants.

The show, which billed itself as a serious seminar on Success based on philosophies developed by the leading motivational scholars of our time, began with motivational calisthenics performed by Washington Wizards cheerleaders in tight leather trousers. Then Robbins -- a man of Frankensteinian proportions -- strode the stage and harangued the crowd to awaken the giant within themselves. People roared their approval for whatever Robbins said, even things that were not, technically, English: "Focus is reality to the individuality, even though it is not reality in actuality."

Periodically, Robbins hooched up the crowd into a "peak state," where they bellowed at the top of their lungs and leaped into the air -- 9,000 people ecstatically bouncing up and down as though on trampolines. If you are thinking that as sophisticated self-help concepts go, this one might be an entertaining spectator sport, you are (1) male, and (2) correct.

The show featured speakers such as Joan Lunden ("The World's Best-Known Broadcast Journalist") and Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, the grizzled Hero of Desert Storm, who is a little less imposing without fatigues but still packs a whole shirtload of grizzle. Norm knows how to bring down the house: "The United States of America is still the Greatest Nation on the Face of the Earth, bar none!" (Sound of house being brought down.)

While Schwarzkopf was speaking, Robbins was backstage in a private huddle with the struggling Wizards, telling them how to marshal the giants within themselves. The following day, the team would swagger onto the floor against the hated Philadelphia 76ers and, newly empowered, get whipped like meringue.

By and large, Robbins's message is touchy-feely: He has the audience hug one another and administer back massages. But the final speaker turned out to be billionaire developer Trump, the famous presidential almost-candidate, international bon vivant and bounder. To say that Trump has class doesn't do him justice: He has giant wads of class. He walked into this goody-two-shoes event and altered the atmosphere as suddenly as a stink bomb in a eucalyptus grove.

Trump shuffled on stage, shoulders hunched, and explained his presence thus: "Tony pays me a lot of money. I don't ask questions. I come, I do it."

Financial downturns in the early 1990s taught him humility, he said. He used to be a boor: "I was following fashion shows. The designers didn't like it 'cause they knew I wasn't after their dresses, I was after what was in the dresses."

Then Trump confessed that he likes to hang around with people who are suffering financially -- "frickin' losers," he called them -- because they're depressed, and keep their mouths shut at dinner, and don't hog the conversation.

Trump appeared to be serious. He was refreshingly blunt. Think of the bluntest object you can, blunter than a torpedo -- let's say, a cow. Well, Trump's words hit the audience like a cow dropped from a helicopter. People didn't seem to know what to make of it. I think part of them wanted to cringe, and part -- remember, these were 9,000 acquisitive and ambitious business people -- wanted to cheer.

Next, Trump enumerated his principles for success. Points one and two were to think big and stay focused. Then came: "Be paranoid."

"People are vicious. They're always looking to screw you," he said. "Even your best friend wants to steal your wife and take your money."

Point six or seven was: "When someone is looking to screw you, get even with the bastard. Go after him as viciously and violently as you can. I once said this in front of 20 priests, and one said that wasn't nice, and I said, 'Father, you'll get to Heaven but not me, and in the meantime I have to go by my principles.' "

Trump's final rule for success was, so help me: "Always have a prenuptial agreement." (He acknowledged it's hard to broach the subject when you're telling a woman you love her: "It's murder getting these suckers signed.")

Back at the office, I found I needed some spiritual counseling. Seeing as how Trump is now a motivational speaker, I phoned him and told him my problem: I want to make fun of this event, and do it as viciously and violently as possible. It's richly deserved, I said. But I feel guilty about being mean. What do I do?

"Jesus. Interesting question."

Pause.

"Go for it," he said.

I love a man of principles.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I don't get the Csaba Magassy aptonym. Is it because I'm pronouncing his first name properly ("chubba")?

Gene Weingarten: Correct. Most of us would pronounce it "Casaba," which would be a great name for one specializing in breast enhancement.

_______________________

Gramm, AR: Please explain the title of the book "Eats Shoots and Leaves." Everyone I know thinks it's hilarious, but I do not. Perhaps I am missing something.

Gene Weingarten: "Eats Shoots and Leaves" is taken from a dictionary definition of the (I think) Koala bear. The joke is that if you put a comma after "eats," it turns the bear into a very bad dinner guest, indeed. It is about the power of punctuation.

_______________________

Buttercup Girdlebrain: I have a question. I am newly married and my husband confessed to me that he thinks I'm weird that I read your column and giggle the whole time. Then I tell him to read it and he doesn't laugh. I think he used the word "nutcase" on one occasion, but I'm not sure who he meant -- me or you. Any advice?

Gene Weingarten: I think you should have sex with me. That'll show him!

_______________________

Thank you ....: For the Abe Lincoln quote in the 3/13 Magazine. I've never heard you mention the Roo Roo joke in print, so I'm wondering if it was a big wet kiss for us chathounds?

Oh, and you rock.

Gene Weingarten: Basically, it was. I had a long debate with editors about this. We decided about one in 10 people would get it, but that those who did would love it. Lincoln proposing "first, a little roo-roo" after stating his intention to give malice toward none and charity for all, well, seemed perfect.