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Scripting the Oscars

By Art Buchwald
Thursday, February 24, 2005; Page C04

You've seen the nominated movies, or you haven't, but you're still going to watch the Academy Awards on television Sunday. Many of the women watching are more interested in what the female stars are wearing than in how they performed in the films.

The lower the neckline of the dress, the higher the audience's interest, and the more we will talk about it the next day.

The amazing thing is how beautiful the women look walking down the red carpet. We all know not every wife of every producer or director is that pretty.

This is my theory: As the wife steps out of her limousine, she is sent straight down a coal chute into the cellar and a beautiful starlet takes her place to escort the husband into the theater. It is just a theory, but theories are what the Motion Picture Academy is all about.

One of the big questions we always have is, will the male movie stars shave? Tom Cruise, Matt Damon and Johnny Depp don't like to shave. Chances are they will arrive at the ceremony looking as though they just got out of bed. Where are you when we need you, Cary Grant, David Niven and Gary Cooper?

In my house it will go like this:

"Do we like Clint Eastwood better than Jamie Foxx? Is Johnny Depp's performance in 'Finding Neverland' one of your favorites? And let us not forget Leonardo DiCaprio as Howard Hughes in 'The Aviator.' "

Commercial -- time for tuna dip and drinks.

Back to the TV set. "There are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver. Is he up for an award?"

"No, stupid, he's not an American."

"Do the academy rules say you have to be an American to win an Oscar?"

"No, but they say you have to be born in America to become president of the United States."

"I like the dress Maria is wearing."

"Why not? She is the first lady of California, and she was born in America."

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