John Kelly's Washington Live

John Kelly writes five times a week about the joys and annoyances of living in Washington. He aims to show readers the Washington (and Silver Spring, Alexandria, Manassas, Bowie ...) that they know and take them places they don't know. He wants to make them see familiar things in unfamiliar ways and unfamiliar things in familiar ways. ("We may occasionally end up seeing unfamiliar things in unfamiliar ways," John says, "but such are the risks of the job.") His columns take a cockeyed view of the place the rest of the planet knows as the Capital of the Free World but that we all call home. John rides the Metro for fun and once kidnapped an Irishman to see what made him tick.

Fridays at 1 p.m. ET John is online to chat about his columns and mull over anything that's on your mind.

This week's columns:
Everyone's Got a Position on Metro Seating (Post, March 25)
Readers Air Their Laundry Hints (Post, March 24)
How Not to Get Picked Out of a Crowd (Post, March 23)
All the News That's Fit to Hear (Post, March 22)
Answer Man: Immortalized on a Sidewalk (Post, March 21)

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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John Kelly: Yes, my life is like a "Seinfeld" episode. So what? I can't be the only one or that show wouldn't have been as popular as it was. But then I do a column on how I fret over offending people on the Metro by moving away from them and all of a sudden I'm crazy! Crazy? Ha! They called Jeffrey Dahmer crazy! They called Caligula crazy! Were they crazy?

Yes, they were. Or, rather, they were mentally ill. I, on the other hand, am just a normal guy keeping his head down and doing his job. This week that job included columns on the Warner Theatre's "walk of [semi] fame," the Washington Ear newspaper reading service for the visually impaired, a look at a pickpocket-obsessed policeman, laundry tips from readers and reader opinions on Metro seat swapping.

A request: If you have ever performed an especially good practical joke on someone else, or had one performed on you, can you e-mail me the details: kellyj@washpost.com. I may touch on the topic in a future column.

Also, after being stung by criticism that my old chat photo made me look like a Munchkin, I've replaced it with one that makes me look taller. Can anyone guess where it was taken?

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Fairfax, Va.: John,
Based on today's column, it's clear to me that metro riders just don't have enough to do, that they can spend so much time on seating scenarios. You get on the train. If there's a seat, you sit in it. If there's not, you stand. You get off the train. It's not about what other riders are "going to think" if you do this or that. It's about getting from point A to point B as quickly and neatly as possible.
Of course we need to be courteous to each other--I'll take basic courtesy any day, over whether someone thinks I'll be offended if they change seats during a trip. Don't talk loudly on the cell phone, don't eat stuff or drink stuff or leave your trash, don't stick your newspaper in my face, don't lean on the poles so I've got nothing to hang on to. Try not to pass gas, or throw up or spill something on me. If I'm disabled or pregnant or old, let me sit down. That's it. I've got waaaay too much on my mind to worry about the rest of it.

John Kelly: You obviously drive to work. See, when you take Metro your mind wanders. You don't have to concentrate on the road, so you can ponder. That's why we think about these things. I had another idea for a column when I saw a woman knitting on Metro the other day. It would be about all the things people have accomplished on the Metro. I think some guy wrote a novel. And I know lots of scarves get knitted.

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Manassas, Va.: What on earth are you doing in that picture with a crown on your head?

John Kelly: That's for me to know and you to find out.

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Alexandria, Va.: Hi John, I'm a new reader of your colums and online
discussions and I'm loving it! Keep up the good work.

I was wondering...if one would like to volunteer to read (or
audition to read) for the Washington Ear, should we just
contact them through the info at the end of the column?
Thanks!

John Kelly: Yes, just call that number or check out the Web site and arrange to take the audition. Don't feel bad if you don't make the cut. They told me that half the people who want to volunteer just don't have the right vocal and pronunciation skills.

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Maryland: John, yesterday I saw an article entitled "Scientists grow adult stem cells from nose". Heck, I always thought they were called buggars.

John Kelly: It won't be long before an urban legend starts spreading about how people are ending up dead in hotel tubs full of ice, their noses removed with surgical precision.

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Washington, D.C.: Another issue with seating on metro - I get motion sickness very easily, so I ALWAYS have to sit in a forward facing seat. Often that means sitting next to someone even though there are empty benches facing the other direction. People get really snotty sometimes when I sit next to them in that situation, but I don't always feel like explaining to a stranger why I can't sit backwards.

John Kelly: I know a few people who have the same issue. Some have told me they can seat in the sideways facing handicapped seats and just turn their heads to the front, although that takes away a handicapped seat. You probably don't need to explain anyway. It would probably just worry people if you told them that you get motion sickness easily.

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Frederick, Md.: Ok, so you went to Burger King and got a golden crown to wear upon your head. Man, you really have to stop hitting the booze. Oh by the way, tell the chick wearing the head-thing, my grandmother needs her foot bath back!

John Kelly: Burger King?! Is that what you think I'm wearing? You are SO wrong it's not even funny. And I'll have you know that woman is royalty.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Mr. Kelly,
This is not really your beat, but I value your opinion on all things. What chance does Michael Schiavo have for a normal life after this terrible ordeal ends? He will have to have plastic surgery, change his name, and move to Wyoming to avoid the fanatics who want to harrass him or worse. And his poor, innocent children will receive reflected grief from idiots.

John Kelly: I had the exact same thought today. The thing is sad all around, and it really drives home how important it is to let your wishes be known BEFORE you enter a coma.

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Arlington, Va.: John, have you seen the new nickel yet? With the buffalo on the back and Jefferson coyly peering around the edge of the front? It's truly disturbing.

John Kelly: I have not seen one in the flesh, so to speak. I just took a look online. To me he doesn't look like he's peering around the corner. He looks more like James Taylor on an album cover.

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washingtonpost.com: The New NickelJohn Kelly: You be the judge.

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Rosslyn, Va.: It really bugs me when the train is half empty and someone comes and sits next to me, so, I've started taking up both seats so no one tries to sit next to me- hello, the train is empty, go sit by yourself. I had this happen to me once, I was tired after a long day of working, train was half empty, I have my eyes shut (another indicator of- don't sit with me), and this guy sits down next to me (on my half of the seat too), so, I do a rude gasp, get up, go sit in an empty seat (because there were plenty of them) and shoot him a look of death. Sorry, I don't want to be hit on by nasty guys on the metro, you're not cool.

John Kelly: How could you tell he was hitting on you? I heard from more than one person that they fill up half-filled seats to leave emtpy benches for couples who may want to sit together. This surprised me. I'd never really thought of it before.

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Anonymous: John,
Is that Your Lovely Wife in your new picture? She's HOT!!
And what is that ominous hand gesture supposed to mean?

John Kelly: A lot of people ask me that when they see that picture, but no, that is not My Lovely Wife. MLW is even hotter than the woman in the photo. As for my hands, I was flashing a gang sign.

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College Park, Md.: Re: "If there are six empty stalls in a seven-stall -public]
restroom, you wouldn't select the one right next to an
occupied one, would you?" Makes sense, but this is
acceptable behavior at the gym. Can't tell you how many
times I've been huffing and puffing away on a treadmill,
sweat streaming down my face when some weirdo decides
to hop on the machine right next to mine. When there are
10 open machines, do you really want to be close enough
to smell me? What gives?

John Kelly: I've never belonged to one of those mega-health clubs with lots of machines. I did the Y for a while and there were never so many treadmills that you weren't right next to someone. I guess the same thing applies as on the Metro or in a restroom. But then there are a lot of lonely people who take companionship however they can get it.

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washingtonpost.com: James Taylor NickelJohn Kelly: Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun.
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around.

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Alexandria, Va.: I have furniture that needs a new home. No charity seems to want to come pick it up.

Do you still maintain Levey's List, and if so, how can I list on there?

John Kelly: Yes, send me an e-mail and I'll send you instructions on how to post something on The List, formerly Levey's List. My e-mail: kellyj@washpost.com.

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Silver Spring, Md.: John,
I have a big problem with allowing myself to move to another seat because I don't want to offend someone. This includes people I'm sharing a seat with and moving away from people in front/behind me who smell or weird me out for some reason. It's so bad that I've been left almost alone in a train car with a smelly, crazy homeless man (the same man as matter of fact) on at least three occasions after everyone else has moved to a new seat at the other end of the car or left for a new car. You would think that if someone did smell I wouldn't mind offending them since they were themselves being offensive, but I feel bad pointing it out to them, and I don't want people who are fine, normal people feeling awkward because of my move.

I think you should do a column sometime about some of the weirdest things people have seen on metro/in stations.

John Kelly: I was riding the Metro home on Wednesday and was seated on the aisle, next a well-dressed professional woman. The train was semi-crowded at first but started to empty after Union Station, when a clear seat appeared in front of us. I was frozen with indecision. I kept hoping more people would get on and take that seat, freeing my from my turmoil. Finally, someone got on at Fort Totten and took it. Now, if she had smelled or been muttering to herself, I would have been away from her in a heartbeat.

And I like your weird Metro witnessing idea.

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Arlington, Va.: Hi John,
I was on the virginia DMV website the other day, trying to think up a personalized plate that wasn't already taken. There's a note, of course, saying that the plate couldn't be "obscene" or "hateful", etc. And I wondered, who's got the job of authorizing the plates people ask for? I'm sure they have to know a lot of slang, abbreviations, and tricks that people try to pull. It'd probably be an interesting column, to talk to one of those people....

John Kelly: That's a great idea. Thanks. I once attended Toy Fair in New York City, where a toy company rep showed me a little robot that performed various simple tasks. It also had a vocabulary of 100 words or something. You could teach it new words. Really, I asked. Even bad words? No, he said, it was programmed not to repeat 50 or 60 offensive words and phrases. So I said, "You mean like #@%&!?" And try as I might I couldn't get that *@#%! little robot to swear. That would have been a fun job, coming up with all the things the robot COULDN'T say.

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Silver Spring, Md.:
You guys smell bad and I really don't want to participate in this chat today.

Jim P.

John Kelly: You'll have go sit in Lisa de Moraes' chat.

John Kelly: I mean "to go" (in Latin: "ire").

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Washington, D.C.: John, if you show off that new picture too much, you're going to get subpoenaed by Michael Jackson's lawyers.

John Kelly: You think it was taken at Neverland? Good guess, but no.

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Washington, D.C.: What I care about on the Metro is having a QUIET seat. I'm commuting to and from a busy day; I don't want to hear incessant mindless chatter and giggling. I wish Metro had Quiet Cars just like Amtrak.

John Kelly: What if Metro had different classes of cars? I seem to remember that the Paris Metro used to have that, but I may be imagining it. (I don't remember it during my visit to Paris last year.)

Our Metro could have some cars with hardly any seats (as they may end up doing anyway) and others with lots of seats. It would cost you $1.35 minimum on the spartan, second-class cars and $2 minimum on the first-class ones. But, you ask, how would you be charged? They'd use the same technology that tells them when you board a bus and swipe your SmarTrip whether you've just been on the Metro and should be charged the transfer fare. Hey, we're getting Lexus lanes. Would you be willing to pay a little more to have a seat and some peace and quiet?

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Kingstowne, Va.: Submitting early as I won't be able to log on this afternoon. I normally don't ride the Metro unless my car is in for servicing, but I find the topic on whether to change seats interesting. I am 6-foot-1 and I always try to sit in the priority seating if possible because the other seats are too close together and my knees jam up against the seat in front of me. Thus, I will always move to the priority seating if it opens. (Of course I am happy to yield it to old people, handicapped people, or pregnant women.) I find that Metro's seats are too small on the whole, both in terms of leg room and in terms of width (butt space)--I'm not at all fat, but I find that the seats push people very close together.

What I'm curious about is a related topic, namely, sitting on the inside or the outside. When I have to ride in the "cross-wise" seats, I always sit in the outside seat so that I can sit at an angle for greater leg space. If someone wants to sit, I get up, let them have the inside, and then sit back down--kind of like many folks do in the pews at Mass. The way I see it is that I was there first and I get my choice on the seats. Yesterday I was on the Orange Line and one man carrying a briefcase was clearly annoyed at this, but he didn't say anything and instead sat in such a way that he and his briefcase spilled over onto my side, thus jamming me a bit. I thought he was a $%&-, but since it was only three more stops and I was fiddling with a Blackberry I simply jammed my elbow into his side to finish what I was doing.

I'm curious what you, or other readers, think about the etiquette of moving to the inner seat versus getting up to allow someone else to access it.

John Kelly: Jammed your elbow into his side? Now, sir, this is going to get you a mention in the "News in Brief" column, and that can never be good. I think you're being entirely reasonable. While I'm convinced that some people do sit on the outside, hoping no one will dare to sit next to the window, you clearly are not among them. It's also acceptable to sit on the outside if you're going to have to get off shortly.

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Rockville, Md.: PSA to metro riders: we can see everything you do. Yes, that includes picking your nose. Your nose itches? Fine, scratch it, but please do not let me see you doing anything else. Gross.

John, can this be explained? Do people seriously not realize hundreds of people are right next to them? Bleh!

John Kelly: Is it possible they were harvesting stem cells?

Actually, I haven't noticed too much nose picking, but then I keep my head down in a book, magazine or free newspaper.

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Capitol Hill, D.C.: I'm sorry, but this is just insane. Do people honestly put that much thought into whether or not they should change seats on the metro? This is further proof of how self-centered people are. Do you think the person you're sitting next to feels so graced with your presence, that by moving away you will disappoint them? Frankly, I'm happy when seats open up and people move to them and really annoyed with the people who don't, so you're not doing me any favors by staying. If I'm on the outside, I don't hesitate to move when an unoccupied bench opens up and I don't do any of this pretending to look at the metro map or getting out and back on another car!!?? I just move.

John Kelly: You fall into the same category as a reader who e-mailed me this morning, a certain Ed Rehfeldn of the District, who wrote:
In 1971, the United States Supreme Court developed a simple, three-prong test for judging the very weightly matter of whether a particular law or action violates the establishment clause of the First Amendment (Lemon
v. Kurtzman).

Yet one of your readers has a FOUR-prong test for determining when to move to or from a metro seat?

Hmmm... what's wrong with THIS picture? This has to be indisputable proof that Washington has far, far, far too
many lawyers!

This non-lawyer moves if he feels like, and stays put if he feels like it.

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Washington, D.C.: The photo: looks to me that you went to a Purim party and you're standing next to Queen Esther.

John Kelly: She is a queen, but I don't know if her name is Esther.

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Washington, D.C.: Good column today on seat switching on the metro. I wanted to add another comment about seating. Occasionally someone will add their 2 cents that they feel white people are being racist when they see them pass up sitting next to a minority (or a woman, or a man, or whatever). As a thin, minority woman, I can tell you that I look for a seat in which the other seat occupier is not taking up 75% of the seat, or doesn't have their stuff piled up all over. I don't want to be in a seat where I have one butt cheek on the seat b/c the person next to me either refuses to share down the middle or sits with his/her legs spread so widely you can't sit down.

John Kelly: Who knows what conscious or unconscious thoughts go through a person's mind before deciding where or if to sit? I did hear from several tall readers who said almost inevitably take up two seats. These people have long legs that have to be swiveled to the side. For obvious reasons, I've never had that problem.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: John,
I am glad I heeded the advice of Dr. Gridlock's readers and moved one mile from my office. (Coincidence, really, but this sounds more concerned about the environment and my fellow commuters). The drama surrounding Metro seat etiquette would just be too much for me to handle. I would freak out and run screaming from the train.
Oh, by the way, I don't have to care how much gas costs. I use very little of it. Take that, Mr. Chavez!

John Kelly: Congratulations. Would that more of us would do that. When gas is $10 a gallon and terrorists have destroyed our subways we'll all have to.

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Anonymous: Re: Don't sit next to me: When a guy sits next to a girl he doesn't know and there are 10 other completely empty seats - he is planning on hitting on her.

In my 10 years of metro riding, every time a man has sat next to me with plenty of other empty seats (i don't mean like one or two empties on the far end of the train), he has started excessive flirting. This has happened probably 20 times (and i am just a normal looking girl, not some supermodel).

John Kelly: And what do you do? Do you tell him to beat it? Or do you then get up and move?

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Washington, D.C.: I think Metro police officers should start riding trains and throwing people off at the next station when they fail to stand for pregnant women, the elderly or others who should probably not be standing. I've seen too many able-bodied people sit there while a pregnant woman or an older person with a cane stands next to them. Men in their 20s and 30s who refuse to stand should be the first ones tossed off the trains.

John Kelly: I wonder whether they might need to do something like that if MEtro does decide to remove some of the seats from the trains. It will put the remaining seats at more of a premium. Refresh my memory: Do the signs near the handicapped seats say something about "federal law" requiring the seats be kept open for the disabled? I know I've seen that wording somewhere. I wonder how enforceable it is, though. Can you actually be made to give up your seat for an old lady with a cane? Or an old man?

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Washington, D.C.: Your new picture up top ... that was taken at a Babylon 5 convention, wasn't it? Babylon 5John Kelly: That guy on the right has the worst case of sarcoma I've ever seen.

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Anonymous: Re: the nickel: I read the linked story. So, what's the difference between a buffalo and an american bison?

John Kelly: I remember reading that there are no true buffalo in north America, only bison. Buffalo are in Asia.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Here is one version of the unrinal test:

http://www.drinknation.com/urinaltest.php

There's another that also takes into account closeness to the door.

John Kelly: I did pretty well. I scored 50 out of 60. I can't wait till the Nationals start playing and I can do this in the real world at RFK.

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Tampa, Fla.: John,

Due to the local news here (in Tampa) thats making NATIONAL HEADLINES, I have a question you could answer for me.

You think its possible, I could get Jeb Bush, to ask his brother (The President) to ask congress to come back in session and review my divorce?

John Kelly: There does seem to be some irony in the politicians who in other cases seem most interested in keeping the federal government out of our personal lives getting extremely involved in this one.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Is that your Lovely Wife? If not, why did you have your picture taken with a Lovely Woman Not Your Wife?

John Kelly: She thrust herself into the frame. Or, rather, she pulled ME into the frame.

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Washington, DC: My guess is that a midget theater company visited DC, and you had your picture taken with one of the cast members after they performed "Hamlet". Am I right? Do I win the prize?

John Kelly: I. Am. Not. Short. How many times do I have to say that?

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Rosslyn, Va.: Thanks to the anonymous person for defending me while John Kelly dismisses the notion the guy was trying to hit on me! Come on John! Besides, as a woman, you can tell when a guy comes up- slides into the seat with that obnoxious grin on his face that he's trying to hit on you. So, because I didn't want some greaseball talking to me- I movee, and I hope I offended him! (besides, it's not like it was the first time random guys have tried to hit on me on the metro).

John Kelly: I wasn't dismissing it. I'm constantly amazed at the ways some men try to "meet" women, the most ham-handed being following them down the street saying, "Hey baby!" (Now THAT'S romantic.)

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TheLovelyWife: Your lovely family scored a 40 out of 60 on the test ... don't you wonder how three gals even scored that high? And furthermore, -we- know where your gang sign picture was taken. What'll you pay us to keep quiet?

John Kelly: Hello Lovely Wife. I'm not ashamed of that photo. I am ashamed that it was taken before my heart attack and my gut is straining the fabric on my cheap polo shirt.

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Anonymous: Re. Furniture donation: Try the Furniture Bank of Arlington, part of Arlingtonians Meeting Emergency Needs. They collect furniture and give it to people who are moving out of homeless shelters and battered womens shelters. I donated furniture to them and they were great.

http://www.emergencyneeds.org/fboa.html

John Kelly: Thanks for the tip.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Not a question but a public service announcement to every selfish person who carries a giant golf umbrella when it rains. If you are walking down K St NW between 17th and 20th street between 8:45-9 AM or 5:30-5:45pm I am going to use my umbrella to knock yours out of your hands. I am serious. You are not that important that you need to take up the entire sidewalk. and if you wanna get nuts, LETS GET NUTS!!! Thank you.
ps If you are carrying a golf bag, sharing it with another person, pushing a stroller, etc. you will be excused.

John Kelly: I once mentioned this in a column. It does seem to be getting worse, part of the whole supersizing of America. Things either get really big (SUVs, Americans) or really small (radios, cell phones). Umbrellas actually go both ways: the really big golf umbrellas that threaten pedestrians or the really teeny ones that fold up small and fit in your wallet.

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Washington, D.C.: I am guilty of taking a treadmill next to someone even when other empty ones are available BUT ONLY if said treadmill is in front of the television I want to watch. I need total distraction if I am going to motivate to work out.

John Kelly: Fair enough. I would imagine that people who don't want to sweat next to others would take a treadmill far from the TV.

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Arlington, Va.: re: metro seats. I drive to work these days (10 minute drive) but for years I took buses and subways when I lived in Philadelphia, Chicago in NYC. I also used to take Amtrak between NYC and DC a lot. My biggest seating problems involved finding an empty one, not whether to move when more seats became available. BUT -- I always considered the experience to be one big game, and I was really good at it. I always knew where to stand on the platform so that I could get on the subway using the door that would open directly at the bottom of the stairs at my stop. I excelled at anticipating when someone was about to get up from a seat on a crowded bus and I always knew where to stand to maximize the chances of getting the first open seat. And I always knew which gate my Amtrak train would be leaving from in Penn Station -before- they posted it on the big board.

It's all about strategy. And it keeps you from getting bored.

John Kelly: This is one game I'm not very good at. I always choose a spot on the platform that is exactly between the cars, you know, where they link together. I've never seen the big deal about having the station signs indicate how many cars are in the next train, since you can just move up or down accordingly, but a lot of people feel very strongly about it.

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John Kelly: I know our format is a little blown out right now. We're trying to fix it.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: John Kelly: That's for me to know and you to find out.

So we get to find out eventually? Or at least, without being psycho-stalkerish, we could derive the answer?

John Kelly: Yes, yes, I'll spill in a second. Many people have guessed correctly.

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Burke, Va.: Is that Queen Noor?

John Kelly: But not this person.

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Washington, D.C.: The one thing that drives me -nuts- about the priority seating is when people complain about how no one will give up a seat for them, despite being old/pregnant/disabled--but they refuse to just ask. C'mon people. Form the words in your mouth with me, it's not that difficult: "Excuse me, could I have that seat? It's hard for me to stand." Recently I was sitting in one of those seats, and two people got on, and the woman started glaring at me and whispering to the man next to her. I kept staring at her midsection (as discreetly as possible)--was she pregnant? Or was it just the same winter softness that most everyone gets? Did I have something on my face? Why, oh god why was she whispering? Would I insult her by assuming she was pregnant and needed a seat? Then at the next stop, the man moves his briefcase and I see he has on a cast tucked under his pant leg. Well, jeez, if you had said ANYTHING, of course I would have moved. (And, well, if the woman hadn't been glaring so hard at me I probably would have noticed the guy's foot sooner.) But as my mother said (when I was whining something at her as a child), "Honey, I can't help you if you don't tell me what you need."

Please! I know it's blinding obvious to you that you need a seat, but sometimes it's not obvious to everyone else. I'm sure most people will give up their seat if you just ask.

John Kelly: This is a good point, and touches on the experiment some chatters mentioned last week, done by Milgram on the NY subway. If you really need a seat you should ask.

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Silver Spring, Md.: BY THE WAY, to the first poster. The "Law od Personal Space" only took about 45 seconds to draft from start to finish(including spellcheck). AND yes you can only figure these things out while riding the metro. I have always thought that creative people should constantly ride the metro, mow their lawns, take showers, etc. These mindless activities are where I come up with my most brilliant and inventive ideas...

John Kelly: Just make sure you always have a pad of paper to jot them down in.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: "I would imagine that people who don't want to sweat next to others would take a treadmill far from the TV."

Except when there's a whole bank of TVs, and you can't really judge what someone else's taste in shows will be.

ugh - eventually we'll have as many rules for choosing treadmills as we do for metro seats.

John Kelly: This is why I bought a treadmill for my basement.

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Washington, D.C.: Hey John,
I just wanted to let you know that not all Metro riders are so self-absorbed that they're constantly contemplating whether or not to change seats. Some riders think of others, like the kind soul who turned in my lost cell phone to Metro Lost and Found. To whomever found a cellphone at L'Enfant Plaza on Monday morning, thanks for turning it in! And thanks to Kim at Metro Lost and Found for calling me!

John Kelly: Yay! A happy ending.

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Anonymous: Mideival Times!!!I love that place!! Which one did you go to? And who was your knight?

John Kelly: Yes, that's right. The one in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I can't remember which knight we had. The yellow one?

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Silver Spring, Md.: How'd you talk Pam Dawber into going to Medieval Times?

John Kelly: While Mork went on to greatness, Mindy was compelled to greet patrons at the Myrtle Beach Medieval Times.

I don't know who the lady is. They hustle everyone past her to get their picture taken then try to sell it to you duringn dinner. I just had to buy it.

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Anonymous: In your photo, you're at one of those themed restaurants aren't you? Medievel Times or something like that....

John Kelly: Exactly. There's one at Arundel Mills. I keep meaning to go.

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Ohio: Got it. John Kelly, aka The Star Wars Kid, is at a Lucas party but forgot to get a costume together in time (hence the backpack), and is standing next to Queen Amidala while pretending to be holding a light saber (gang sign my arse). Am I close?

John Kelly: Good guess, but, as has been revealed, a wrong one.

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Southern Maryland: You think seating on Metro is a nightmare? Try sitting in a cube farm 8 hours a day with someone sitting next to you who marinates in less than quality perfume. And has a portable space heater because she's cold.

I have to sit next to one such person. I am a mature woman going through hot flashes. Yes, guys, if you think cramps and morning sickness is bad, wait until your mate hits the hot flash stage. It is not like walking into a hot room -- the heat comes from the inside out.

I'm sitting here stewing in my own juice, so to speak. My stable-mate has on a space heater and reeks of some Avon scent. Talk about the nauseous headaches. If I go to management about this arrangement, I'd be the one 'with an attitude problem.' At least on Metro you're only there for a comparatively short ride. Try my arrangement 8 hours a day.

Gag!;

John Kelly: Yikes. Have you tried giving her some perfume that you like the smell of? Maybe she'll switch brands, from Prince Matchabelli to something you can stomach.

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Silver Spring, Md.: (Fanfare)

May I present-- The Urinal GAME:

http://flasharcade.com/game.php?urinal&1

John Kelly: Why is the value of the dollar plumetting all over the world when we obviously have some of the brightest minds in history? Of course, maybe they should be solving world hunger rather than devoting their time to creating online mens room re-creations.

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Virginia: You know what I hate on metro? If I'm on the outside seat, and the person on the inside is getting out at the next stop, but (out in VA) the next stop is 7 min. away and they're all angsty and anxious to get out and make me stand up as the train is jerking and moving to let them out 6 min. ahead of time. Just sit tight, and I promise to let you out when the train actually comes to a stop!

John Kelly: Yeah, we all have our "I'm about to get off" rituals. Some people wait too long, forcing you to have to leap up to let them get out. Others, as you say, start way to early.

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Anonymous: Re. Metro musings: Personally, I'm encouraged that so many people are agonizing over the to-move-or-not-to-move issue. It shows that a lot of our fellow Metro riders are a lot more considerate and human than we may have been giving them credit for. Reminds me that we're all in this together.

John Kelly: A very nice sentiment, and one that we too often forget.

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Anonymous: "If there are six empty stalls in a seven-stall -public]
restroom, you wouldn't select the one right next to an
occupied one, would you?"

WHO CARES? I'm not in there to make friends, I'm in there to use the toilet.

John Kelly: Yeah, making friends is just a bonus.

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Arlington, Va.: I'm not writing to complain about Metro -- I just want to tell you that I loved your piece about laundry. On the weekends, it is my life because it seems to be never-ending. You should read "The Caddy" -- I can't remember the writer. It's an excellent coming-of-age book about a boy who spends his summers on a golf course and it's set during the Vietnam war. He's from a large Catholic family, and there's a description about the laundry that's almost poetic (I love the ordinary).

Keep up the good work and ignore the naysayers! They should try writing a column five days a week!

John Kelly: I hope they don't, because then there'd be no need for me.

Thanks.

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Anonymous: Woo hoo! I won! So, does that mean that next week I get to post a picture of the two of us?

John Kelly: Unless you're Duchess Morgana, no. You just get the inestimable pride of knowing that you were right, and the acclaim of all your fellow chatters who will rightfully sing the praises of the great...Anonymous!

Thanks everyone for stopping by. We had a lot of great comments today, as usual. Sorry if I didn't get to yours. And I sorry the chat went all W I D E on us. We'll fix it once we're done with the live portion.

Remember to send me your practical joke experiences: kellyj@washpost.com). Have a great weekend. And play nice.

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