Chatological Humor*

Hey Baby

Gene Weingarten (Richard Thompson - The Washington Post)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This week's poll.

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

Colleagues on Weingarten:

"As for you, Weingarten, get a life. If you exercise every day, and get off the sauce, you will learn Deep Throat's identity, when we want you to know." -- Washington Post Vice President at Large Ben Bradlee

"Interestingly, he doesn't joke about poop in person (at least he never has with me)." -- Former Washington Post columnist Bob Levey

"W. attracts all of us loyal, devoted, strong yet vulnerable, affectionate women who lavish him with attention way beyond what he deserves." -- "I'm With Stupid" co-author Gina Barreca

"The truth is, Weingarten DOESN'T know who Lesley Stahl is. He's that out of it."
"Weingarten's hair is a national disgrace. Seriously his hair is a war crime." -- Washington Post staff writer Joel Achenbach

"The whole world is the butt of Gene's jokes...consider it a form of flattery." -- What's Cooking host Kim O'Donnel

"I do not even acknowledge the fellow columnist to whom you refer: He who shan't be named. I believe I once said he is filth, he is scum. He is... simply the worst thing in the world." -- Washington Post Reliable Source columnist Richard Leiby

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon. Welcome back from wherever you were.

I have made an important decision about my life. I am going to become a stay-at-home Dad. I resisted this for the twenty-odd years in which my children were minors, but now that they are adults, it makes all the sense in the world:

1. Chicks dig it. Revealing you are a stay-at-home dad to a woman is like revealing you are a puppy breeder, a pediatrician, or a sexual-harassment plaintiff's lawyer. Serious benefit of the doubt.

2. It will not be a lie! I will be a dad, and I will be at home. The fact that I do not happen to have children to care for is immaterial.

3. Job stress is minimal.

Okay, just wanted to share that.

Today's poll is, once again, an exploration of crappiness in comics. As always I will reveal the correct answers three quarters through the chat.

The Comic Pick of the Week is, clearly, Monday's Baby Blues, which is so hot it almost sizzles, AND is funny, AND evokes the "Exactly!" response that will be referred to in a posting below. (Like Billy Pilgrim in Slaughterhouse-5, Chats are unstuck in time.)

First Runner-up is Boondox from Monday, and the second runner up, amazingly, is today's On the Fastrack.

Let's go.

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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week:
Baby Blues, (Sept. 6)

Runner Up:
Boondocks, (Sept. 6)
Second Runner Up:
On the Fastrack, (Sept. 7)

Vote in today's poll.

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Skeptic, AL: Gene:

I had laugh-out-loud moments reading your column on Sunday. well done.

However, as I considered the whole, I was left wondering about your last question, the weaponizing of the Bose stereo. This had to be the oddest question you asked, and brings me to my question; DID YOU KNOW?

It seems likely that you already were aware of this fact, else, why ask this at all? It doesn't strike me as a question you would ask to get a funny response at all, unless you knew that they had done so.

Now, tell the truth.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: 1-800-GETLOST, (Post Magazine, Sept. 5)

Gene Weingarten: Good question. Tom the Butcher and I actually discussed whether this impression would be created; we saw no way around it. No, I had no idea he would say that. I had prepared an elaborate question about whether it would be possible to build a giant Bose clock-radio, the size of a dumpster, and put it in a cave in Waziristan, etc. But his answer just shut me right up.

I love doing these columns. They are the only ones I do that actually make me laugh as I am doing them. I acknowledge they do not have a lot of what you would call "class" or "maturity." Some of you have criticized me, from time to time, for going to this well too often. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Now go away.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Gene -
Can you explain Sunday's "Get Fuzzy?"

washingtonpost.com: Get Fuzzy, (Sept. 5)

Gene Weingarten: Jenga is a game where you have to keep removing little sticks from a pile of sticks, without knocking over the pile. Bucky was figuring out a way to say he won even when he lost. Weak.

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Remember the, ME: It seems like all the cool kids now submit early, so I thought that's what I better do.

I wholeheartedly agree with your fundamental premise that humor is objective. But what would you call that species of alleged humor that makes the benighted among us laugh, but is objectively not funny. I'm thinking here of 95 percent of the jokes on situation comedies and about 100 percent of the jokes involving Viagra.

I suppose you could just call it "bad humor" or "not funny" but it seems like there should be a specific term for it since so many people consider it to be funny (and perhaps even more egregiously, these same people believe themselves to have a sense of humor precisely because they do find it funny).

Gene Weingarten: I call it "bad humor" and "not funny."

This does remind me of something. Forensic psychologists have a term for an emotionally disturbed person who learns to imitate normal behavior closely enough so the casual observer would not suspect dysfunction. It is a basic self-preservation mechanism, and explains the phenomenon in which serial killers, when caught, are sometimes described as ordinary-seeming by neighbors. The psychological term is something very homely, like an "as-if" personality.

I think there is an analogous condition for some people who are humor-impaired. Have you ever noticed them? They walk among us. They may be our coworkers, or the parents of our children's friends, or some such. They know they are SUPPOSED to have senses of humor, that it is socially necessary to laugh, but they honestly don't get it. Still, they must try. These are people who, for example, seem to laugh at not quite the right moment? Or who always laugh a split second after others do, as though they are searching for cues.

It's a fascinating phenomenon. I once suspected it in a coworker at another newspaper, a guy I knew pretty well, a successful, socially integrated man who seemed always highly alert and a little tense whenever things got funny in a room. He was a late laugher, but otherwise hid his dysfunction well, if he had one. So one day I steered the conversation to the subject of people without senses of humor, and he said, "That's interesting. Actually, my wife doesn't have a sense of humor."

It was more interesting than he thought. He had confessed. Because, I ask you, is there any person reading this chat right now who could imagine, even hypothetically, marrying someone -- committing to a life together -- who had no sense of humor?

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Why is it acceptable for The Post to print photos of dead Russians, but not dead Iraqis and/or American soldiers?

Sorry to be a downer. This is a serious question.

Gene Weingarten: I think we used the same standards on the Russian pictures that we use on dead Americans. Very, very scaredy-cat.

In general, I think the Post is too reluctant to run photographs that are disturbing. Being disturbing is the point of some photographs.

Liz, can you link to the photo of the Israeli bus bombing that ran on page one of the New York times last Wednesday?

The Post could have run this picture, too, but chose not to. I disagree with that decision. I understand it, but disagree. There is a point, sometimes, to showing horror in all its horror.

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washingtonpost.com: New York Times, (Sept. 1)

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Arlington, Va.: Yay! I no longer have to feel sorry for Laura Bush, married to that insensitive dimwit and all. Did you catch her interview on the Newshour? Jim Lehrer asked if she understood why people protested to the war with Iraq. Her response seemed to me to be a new low in misrepresention:

"Nobody wants to go to war. Everyone wants peace, and -- but I wonder, do those people wish Saddam Hussein was still there? You know, do they wish that his torture rooms were still there and I don't know. You know, I don't know if that's what they mean with their protests; if they'd rather have Saddam Hussein still in power, I'm not really sure."

Our First Librarian doesn't know why people object to the war, but it's probably a love of torture or something.

Laura's a clever one. Too bad she didn't know that sarcasm can backfire in the wrong hands.

Gene Weingarten: Our First Librarian knows exactly what these protests are about. She is quite skillful in her studied naivete. George married up.

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Rockville, MD: ÿBehold the 323
a small wonder of
automotive wizardry.

Beloved workhorse
Of the vintage year 1989
Ever faithful to the course.

One hundred fifty thousand miles --
Countless road trips
and myriad smiles.

Behold the 323
Smashed and crushed beyond repair
Won't you sit and weep with me?

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(optional ending)

See my spouse?
His driving was at fault.
To the junkyard take the louse!

Gene Weingarten: Friend, do not fret,
For, despite my plans for autocide,
I haven't killed it yet.

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Washington, D.C.: Life imitating art (or what nowadays passes for it):

The Art: We have, in last Sunday's "Below the Beltway," this throwaway query -- "Me: How about the danger of decapitation by a ceiling fan?"

The Derivative Life Event: Saturday morning, 24 hours before "Below the Beltway" has hit the front porch. Our 10-week-old daughter has fallen asleep in the grownup bed. King size bed, tiny little baby, just the sort of photo opportunity that a besotted parent can't pass up. I climb onto the bed in order to frame the picture properly, and put my head right into the spinning blades of the ceiling fan.

Luckily the blades have very little mass and I wound up with only a scrape. But if they'd been sharp, and powered by more than a feeble little electrical motor, I'd be writing to you from a box.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: 1-800-GETLOST, (Post Magazine, Sept. 5)

Gene Weingarten: Wow. You have to be a guy.

What if The Flash were spinning the fan by hand? The mass of the blades would have been immaterial, because the velocity would be so high, the momentum alone would have sheared off your cranium.

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washingtonpost.com: Vote in today's poll.

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Downtown: OK, I know I thought of this too late for the neurosis chat, but what's your diagnosis for this problem:

I absolutely hate it when people are rude to me and each other in public. It drives me crazy. I don't mean when people are fighting, I mean stuff like the fact that no one holds the doors open for each other, says hello (or at least nods) in the elevator, says good morning in the hallway, etc. I get so upset about it because I think it's just a common curtesy (is that spelled right?) and I was raised to treat people as I would want to be treated. My friends (save one, with the same problem) think I am nuts. I mean, really, how hard is it to acknowledge that other people exist? Not being a morning person or having a bad day is no excuse. We don't have to be best friends, but just don't be rude! Am I nuts? And the only person with manners anymore? For the record, my boyfriend is not like me, and doesn't say hello in the elevator either. When I ask why, he "doesn't know, why?"

Wow I wrote a lot.

Also, I have a crush on you. Is that normal?

washingtonpost.com: No.

Gene Weingarten: Mostly, I am posting this because of Liz's comment, which is an example of how the most sophisticated humor is often also the most concise.

I am not a rudeness freak. I grew up in New York. I think that untoward familiarity is itself rude; people value their anonymity.

One place that my sensibilities match with yours is on an elevator, but not in the way you might think. Let's say that I am in an elevator with Pthep, which is something that occurs with some frequency. And someone else gets on. I will cease all conversation with Pthep. Even to the point of creating a somewhat strange silence. Because I think it is rude to conduct a conversation in the presence of a third party, as though that person were not there. It is a "thing" with me. It is such a "thing" that when someone gets on the elevator, and I shut up, Pat sometimes just laughs. Which of course makes matters worse, since the third party assumes he or she is being laughed at.

There is no solution to this situation, except bringing the stranger into the conversation, which can be a little weird: "I was just remarking to my friend here that a dependent clause, in the absence of a clear antecedent, should be set off not with a semicolon but a dash. Have you any thoughts on this matter?"

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Lancaster, Pa.: Hello Gene,

Many years ago I worked with a young woman was recently married. She continued to use her maiden name which was fine with us. However, she refused to even TELL us her husband's name. We by subtrufuge discovered it to be Moist, yes Moist. She received the reception from us that I am sure you would have given her. Thus her name was Nancy Moist. A wonderful time we had with that information.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha. Well, I guess the point is that her name was NOT Nancy Moist.

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Arlington, Va.: While in the 20 items and under line the other day, the shopper in front of me had about 40 items. The cashier said nothing and did nothing. Instead of getting angry, I was trying to find the humor in it and have a nice witty remark for both the customer and the cashier. I failed. Any ideas?

Gene Weingarten: There are lines for 20 items or less?

Actually, it should be 20 items or fewer. You could have engaged in an elaborate grammatical lesson, but I'm not sure where that would have gotten you. Any ideas out there?

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Athens, Greece: You always manage to have really good material. Is it all life experience, or is some of it just things you've heard of?

Gene Weingarten: Well, thank you. It is really a matter of noticing stuff. I began noticing stuff almost compulsively when I began writing a weekly column. I write stuff down on scraps of paper, or my bathroom mirror, in soap. My wife hates that.

A columnist has to mine everything around him.

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Medford, Mass.: OK Gene, I am that ONE person who voted for letter C for the first question. Because I found some bit of humor in being overtly racist -- in a melodramatic sense -- does that make me a bigot? Does it matter if I am Jewish?

My whole basis for humor is shot. I thought that letter C was the funniest response.

Gene Weingarten: 1) Who's to say you're wrong? I haven't given the right answers yet. Being alone isn't necessarily bad.

2) I don't think that answer is racist. It's silly, but not racist. Look at the percentage of blacks and Jews who are standup comics. Both groups of people ARE funny.

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Venus: Gene,
Your musings about marrying someone who doesn't have a sense of humor led me to wonder: what if the love of one's life had a sense of humor when one fell in love with him/her (and presumably got married) and then he/she lost their sense of humor? What would happen then?

Gene Weingarten: It is impossible to lose one's sense of humor. Only at death does one lose one's sense of humor. It is hardwired.

I think you will find many intact senses of humor in Holocaust survivors. Case closed.

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washingtonpost.com: Vote in today's poll.

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wha?: Please tell us you linked to the wrong "Baby Blues." This one is d-u-m.

Gene Weingarten: Is there ANYONE ELSE out there who doesn't think that is a good comic?

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Yankees Baseball: I would like your opinion on the following, very important question: Should the "postponed" game yesterday have been forfeited?

The Devil Rays have made it clear that they were never going to leave Florida ahead of the hurricane, and knew full well that this action (or lack thereof) would result in significant consequences on Monday. I think they "forfeited" in every real sense of the word.

Gene Weingarten: It should not have been forfeited. There is a pennant race on. The Devil Rays should be fined. Sorry, but Steinbrenner is a schmuck. And that's coming from me.

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Bibliotek, Va.: re: parking lot, stolen spot from last chat. Classic story: SCENE -- Elderly woman, Christmas season, urban mall parking garage. Two young men steal her spot and then dis her as they walk to escalator. She starts to vent, then decides not to let them ruin her much-looked-forward-to shopping trip. Finds anothers spot and coming up the escalator from the undergroud garage, she spots the two hateful teenagers and debates what to do. As she is staring at them and thinking, one notices her and nudges his friend. She comes up with a delicious idea. She smiles at them. One really big smile. That's all.

They immediately think she would do like they do and run for their car, sure it has been keyed -- or worse. How do I know this story? Well the woman wrote a letter to the editor of a Vancouver, B.C., paper, more an appeal to the parents of children and teaching them manners. Read it one Christmas week while visiting my relatives. The best part of the letter were the details she included in her story. The date and time of day, the name of the shopping mall, a description of the two young men, the make and model of their car and best part of all, their license plate.

I am not sure we mere mortals can improve on that sort of come-uppance.

Gene Weingarten: I agree. Terrific.

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Religi, ON: First, to butter you up: Your recent/on-going discussion about marriage is doing a good job getting people to think about what many perhaps have been conditioned to accept.

Next, to impose my selfish desires: This chat needs to go on and on about religion. I can't think of anything more ridiculous (and therefore a source for humor) than the way we humans have made such a huge tangled... I don't know... "mess" out of what can not be taken seriously.

Other than the fact that it will really irritate and alienate a whole lot of people, wouldn't it be great? There is that whole source-of-unbelievable-tragedy downer angle, but doesn't that support the argument that there's a need to get people to think about and discuss their beliefs and assumptions, as well as for using humor to make it easier to tolerate?

Also, I lie awake at night wonder if there really is a dog.

Gene Weingarten: In an upcoming column, Gina and I rather ferociously engage the Roman Catholic Church on the issue of women.

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Unfunny Comix: Gene,

We have often discussed in these chats that many, many of the strips in newspaper comics sections are not -- technically speaking -- funny.

However, many of them do regularly elicit the reaction "EXACTLY, that happens to me all the time!" The "Curtis" in today's poll may be an example, or even "Blondie." "Family Circus" and the older "Garfields" did this a lot ("that's just like my kid/cat!").

This would explain why when not-funny comics are proposed for removal from the comics page, there is always a contingent of people who write in demanding reinstatement -- they feel strongly about it not because they laugh at the comic, but because that comic helps aleviate existential pain by confirming that they are not alone in their experiences. They want something to put on their refrigerator.

This would also explain the extreme popularity of "Dilbert," because it does both things -- office slobs can identify, but also, it's funny.

I guess this isn't so much a question as an observation, but I'd be interested in your views.

Gene Weingarten: Well, my view is that eliciting the reaction "Exactly!" is a sign that the comic IS funny. Part of humor is recognizing familiar human foibles, because human foibles are ironic (we pretend to be civilized, unselfish, etc.)

However, I myself don't get that reaction all that much.

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Thank you!; Thank you!;: Apropos of your experience in the parking garage: A couple of months ago, I was in my regular parking garage and saw a surprisingly good space, which I naturally took. Before I could get out of my car, I was approached by a woman who said, "Thank you!; Thank you!;" I inquired why she was thanking me, and she said, "For taking the parking space I've been waiting all this time for, and you just zipped in!;" Then she walked away, oblivious to my response.

The configuration of the garage was such that I had not seen her car before taking the space. Now, I don't like to reward rudeness, but I did see the simple justice of her position, so I tried to apologize and offer her the space. She did not listen to my apology and offer, but just kept on going. She didn't want me to apologize or give her the space, she just wanted to yell at me.

Oddly enough, I got the same "Thank you!; Thank you!;" reaction (though not the walking away part) a week or two later in another parking garage incident, under circumstances that I will not describe in detail, other than to note that this time it was an issue of driving skill, not courtesy, and my counterparty had every reason to be upset. I'm not used to this ironic use of "Thank you!; Thank you!;" Has it suddenly become common?

Gene Weingarten: I think some people just like being offended. She didn't want your space, she wanted the satisfaction of telling you off. This does remind me of an analogous situation I've wanted to mention for some time -- it happens to me with some frequency.

As I noted last week, I am not a typically "aggressive" driver, and I never expereience anything approaching road rage, but I am extremely impatient with people who drive as though not only they but everyone else had all the time in the world. (I am likewise impatient as a pedestrian; healthy people who walk at a casual stroll, in circumstances where they are not easy to pass, drive me nuts. This is a particular hazard in D.C., peopled as it is with clots of tourist families. I refer to them as The Moseys, of Lardbutt, Wisc.)

Anyway, the situation you call to mind occurs at traffic lights. Car A will be stopped at the light. Car B will be behind car A. I am in Car C, behind car B. The light changes. Car A does not move. A couple of seconds pass. Car A still does not move. I realize Car A probably does not realize the light has changed. I also realize that it is not a long light, and by the time Car A might realize the light has changed and gone through it, the light might change again, forcing me to sit through another sequence of lights. So I honk my horn.

At this point, the driver in Car B throws up his hands in the universal "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?" semaphore, or even turns around to glower.

What is wrong with this person? In his universe of limited imagination, may one honk only at the car directly in front of one?

I think this person may be related to your "Thank You" woman. Some people just love opportunities to be Simply Outraged. (See Washington Post Letters Page.)

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Minneapolis, Minn.: From the editor of the Minn Star-Tribune this past Sunday:

The one truly frightening job at the newspaper is deciding which comics should go and which should stay. The phones ring for days after the slightest change in the lineup on the comic pages.

So when word came the other day that the artist behind "The Norm" had decided to discontinue his strip, we thought we'd try something new. Instead of choosing one of the many good new comics out there at the moment, we'll run the best of the possibilities for a month at a time to give readers a look at the choices.

It'll be a kind of test kitchen for comics. Watch for news of this tryout approach and how to pass along your thoughts. Just maybe we'll all agree on what new strip to add to the mix.

Gene -- what do you think of Gyllenhaal's method? Seems awfully slow. How would you introduce new comics? By fiat?

Gene Weingarten: I think asking the public what comics to choose is a serious deriliction of duty, as an editor, and it invariably results in terrible choices.

We editors don't ask you to tell us which stories to cover, or how our editorials should read. We're supposed to have some idea of what we are doing, you know?

It is our job to decide which the best strips are, and then make them available to you.

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Dull Baby Blues: I agree that it's not that great. I'm a 27-year-old woman, though, and not a parent. Maybe this is something that will become funny once I've been in their shoes?

Gene Weingarten: Okay, noted. There are two of you. The notion of parents agreeing to go to bed fantasizing about the other is weird, disturbing, funny, and true. You have to have been there.

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Washington, D.C.: Since you will stop talking on the elevator when a third person gets on, will you resume the conversation if more people got on? Would you continue a conversation if several people got on? Is your concern just for the one person?

Gene Weingarten: No. I will not talk unless alone in the elevator with person to whom I am talking.

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Around the BeND: How about that Ted Rall today? I would definately rather be dead than have my wife express her political views.

washingtonpost.com: Ted Rall, (Sept. 6)

Gene Weingarten: Wow. This is quite a strip. Really, really mean and pretty good. Unlike some of his other ones that went over the top and crashed into a vile abyss, I think this one is okay. Rather strong, though.

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Lansing, Mich.: OK. You just need to know that, if you have an infestation of grain moths in your kitchen cupboards and you do an Internet search to find information on what to do about said infestation, you will, on several sites, find references to "panty pests."

If you then feel compelled to do an Internet search FOR "panty pests," you'll find that many, many people in the pest control business need proofreaders.

You're welcome.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you so much. This chat appreciates research projects.

I am guessing most women who have been through the dating process have their own definition of panty pests.

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washingtonpost.com: Vote in today's poll.

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Central Virginia: I'll have to read the transcript today, but I wanted to know your thoughts on "Opus." I thought it was brilliant but way brazen and subject to misinterpretation -- or maybe I'm misinterpreting it. Who did the lazy guy wanting a handout represent?

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: The lazy guy wanting a handout represented you, basically. A typical self-satisfied American, fat and happy and xenophobic. I haven't asked Berkeley, but I'm pretty sure that is what he'd say.

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Herndon, Va.: I agree with you that humor is an objective matter. I have long told my wife that I possess the Objective Scale of Humor. I take it that you believe that you have it as well.

A secondary question: is humor objective in a primary quality way or a secondary quality way? That is, is "funny" more like "weighs 10 pounds" or "red?" The latter is a property whose status is fixed by the observer in standard conditions, whereas the former is a property that is independent of observers entirely.

Another way to put it: imagine that there never has been and never will be rational beings. A bear farts, and the force of it knocks it into a tar pit, where it dies. Is this funny?

Gene Weingarten: If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one around to hear it, it does make a sound, since sound is not measured by how it affects the eardrum, but how it WOULD affect the average eardrum, based upon an objective measurement of the number of/ compression of/ amplitude of sound waves. Or some such. Those waves exist whether or not there happened to be an eardrum around.

(Bear with me -- I've given more thought to this answer than you would believe.)

Now, what if the tree fell in a forest on a planet in which no one, and no animal, HAS eardrums. That planet would have no concept of "sound." The measurement of sound waves would be pointless. So it would not make a "sound."

Now, humor is a quality that exists only in a rational world. To find something funny, you need to understand, on some elemental level, the irony of why it is funny. (And no, you don't need to be human. Apes, goats, dogs, etc. clearly can be amused by things, but they are, in fact, understand an essential irony. When a goat butts you, he knows you are the boss, and the boss is not supposed to be unceremoniously upended. It is an interruption of the harmonious order of things, a primitive irony, and funny.)

So, short answer: 1) Funny is more like "ten pounds" than "red." And 2) In a world entirely devoid of reason, there is no humor. However, the other bears might have enough reason to laugh at the unlucky farter.

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Belly, HI: I've been loving the recent theme in the FBOFW strips about young girls baring whatever they can get away with. Maybe I'm an overly conservative 31-year-old female, but Monday's (9/6) strip made me stand up and cheer. Gives new meaning to the phrase "goose flesh."

washingtonpost.com: For Better or For Worse, (Sept. 6)

Gene Weingarten: I agree. This was actually a good comic.

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Comics, DC: For comics pick of the week, I nominate "Monty" from Sunday, Sept. 5:

Gene Weingarten: It had to go a looooooooooooooooooong way for that punchline, but in a wacko way, this is a good comic.

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Oxford, Miss.: I've noticed that your chats are the only ones that get started on time and also are clearly the ones with the greatest quantity of questions and responses. Is this because you're super-punctual and super-fast or just because you don't have anything better to do?

Gene Weingarten: It is because I have Faulknerian depth.

(I obsess over the chat. Answer early questions at length, etc. An illusion of speed is created. Shhh.)

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Neurot, AK: Gene, isn't your elevator-conversation thing a bit neutoric? Why should the third person be put off by your conversation? People in my building (where we often work under severe time pressures and deadlines) routinely carry on conversations in the elevator -- it's part of the job. Doesn't seem to bother anyone, except maybe you if you worked here.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I guess that was my point: It is neurotic.

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Good Baby Blues: I liked it but in a very "I know where they're coming from" way. Which then annoyed me. I showed it to the wife and we just looked at each other with understanding.

Still no nooky that night, however...

Gene Weingarten: A reasonable number of people agree with you. I will not admit I am wrong, however. The power of this cartoon comes from these two dorky familiar characters relating to each other in a masturbational way. That's all I will say on the matter. I fear Ms. Liz. I fear her wrath.

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Escanaba, Mich.: Good afternoon. Last week, I was the first to give you info on Mr. Trudeau's helmet for Bush.

Gene Weingarten: Well, aren't you the cat's pajamas.

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Washington, D.C.: Following up on both your comment that there are a lot of black and Jewish comics, and that even Holocaust survivors have senses of humor: In a profile of an American Indian comedian (might have been in The Post Style section several years ago), he commmented that he found Jews and American Indians to be, in general, funniest, and that "Maybe there's something about genocide that makes a people funny." Could apply to African Americans as well.

Gene Weingarten: Well, humor is a reaction to absurdity and fear. So, yeah.

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HEY: Was that "stay at home dad" story your way of telling us you're quitting this job????

Gene Weingarten: No.

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Stay at Ho, ME: Gene,

Regarding your new life decision mentioned at top of chat: Was wondering, in your research, if you've discovered chicks dig stay at home single guys, such as myself, or is the kid part critical?

Gene Weingarten: You may want to invent a kid or two.

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Slow, MO: Dear Mr. Humor Man,

How do you compete with this?
Bush: OB-GYN's Kept from 'Practicing Their Love'

The President has turned into Barry White. "Practice your love on me, baby!"

Gene Weingarten: This almost defies belief. Is this real? Anyone else see this?

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Springfield, Va.: Does nobody think that having a married couple in bed talk about how uninspiring their sex life is with the letters "KY" highlighted is funny? I think this is the point of the comic.

Gene Weingarten: Thank God you mentioned that and not I. Liz can't get on my case for that.

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Washington, D.C.: The Moseys, of Lardbutt, Wisc. have never learned how to be pedestrians.

I manage to be somewhat undestanding when I see Mr. and Mrs. Mosey and their homely children standing side by each on the Metro escalators because, I reason, they don't have a subway with legendarily-long escalators in Wisconsin but I am markedly less charitable when they wander as a wide passel along our sidwalks.

When they see oncoming foot traffic, they do nothing and the approching pedestrian has to wade through their little gaggle. I don't think they've ever walked down a sidewalk, what with their Chevy Tahoes and cul-de-sacs.

Makes me furious and removes any questions about what has caused the American obesity crisis.

Gene Weingarten: Well, yes, but I would never go so far because I am much more charitable than you.

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Richmond, Va.: Wait a minute. Should a dependent clause, in the absence of a clear antecedent, be set off not with a semicolon but a dash? Because I always thought the dash was the Yugo of punctuation marks.

Gene Weingarten: I have a weakness -- a big one -- for dashes.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, here is the answer to the poll.

Congratulations to the 30-odd of you who saw through my trap. Yes, the Blondie strip is actually quite good. On several levels, including how Blondie's hands are drawn in the final panel.

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Rudeness: Interestingly, my pet peeve is when people several feet in front of me do hold doors open for me. Then I have to run a few steps; otherwise, I am rudely making the door-holder stand there and wait for me.

I would much rather continue to walk and open the door myself. Any suggestions for dealing with this situation?

washingtonpost.com: I'm right there with ya on this one.

Gene Weingarten: Me, too. Also, the act of holding the door can be an ungainly acrobatic feat.

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Lansing, Mich.: THANK YOU!;!;!; Yes, it's the editor's job to determine a newspaper's content. Comics polls drive me up a wall, particularly since they reward the familiar, even when the familiar is in dire need of replacement.

My local newspaper has never polled me about what I want to see on the front page (less stuff about the elections, more stuff about local cartoonists). Why is that?

Gene Weingarten: Because they think comics are Unimportant, so make a big, stupid display of seeking reader input for something they don't really care about.

I am really, really peeved about this.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,
In regard to your weekend column, I love animals in people clothes. I think it's hysterical. Not so much dogs, but more like the sea lions at Sea World who carry the bar towel and wear bow ties. Hysterical. It would be even funnier if they wore captain's hats. Just thinking about it makes me laugh-out-loud.

As a matter of fact, I saw a dog the other day on Massachussetts Ave. running with his owner and wearing a people-style sun visor. I had a good chuckle right there on the corner.
Is this wrong?

Gene Weingarten: Well, yes and no. PETA people would castigate you for burdening your dog for your amusement.

I value your amusement, so I am not sure.

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Forensic psychologists...: Sometimes I laugh a split-second later, but not because I am feigning my appreciation of the humor. Usually it is because a joke is so bad, or it somehow earned unworthy laughter, that I am laughing as a reaction to other people's reactions. Or I am laughing at what I was supposed to think was funny (and how unfunny it is).

Gene Weingarten: Why would you laugh, then? Have you no pride?

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re: Thank you!; Thank you!;: This is similar to a tactic I sometimes employ while (legally) crossing the street at an intersection. Drivers can be incredibly rude to us pedestrians, and I have found the most effective way to get back at some of them is to blow them a kiss. More satisfying than flipping them the bird, and it often elicits great reactions.

Since I am a man, this works particularly well on other men. I highly recommend it.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Bemused: Driving out Route 50 to Annapolis recently, I noticed signs that said "Low Flying Aircraft." Do these aircraft really fly so low that drivers need to be wary? Do they play chicken with the drivers headed towards the Bay Bridge? What's the deal?

Gene Weingarten: I have wondered about that, too. I think they are warning drivers not to be startled by the sight and veer into another lane, or whatnot, right?

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Washington, D.C. : Gene,

I am hoping you could help me with this situation. I am trying to come up with the perfect comeback for unappreciated advances. I get everything from "Hey Baby" to the stale "How you doin'?" from strangers on the street. And can I just say that I hate, HATE being called baby, so these men are really irking me. Anyway, I usually give said men the silent treatment, but I find this incredibly unsatisfying. Any suggestions?

And, to answer your question, no, I am not attractive, but very much average. My husband...I mean steady boyfriend...has speculated that these advances happen because I always wear skirts and high heels - not porn heels, but heels nonetheless. Is his assessment accurate?

Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: Um, is this actually a common problem? Do women put up with this all the time?

(I've always been amazed that a guy -- any guy -- would think that this approach would EVER work.)

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Alexandria, Va.: "It is our job to decide which the best strips are, and then make them available to you."

If this is true, then the editors all across the country are doing a pretty poor job given the frequency that peanuts, beatle bailey and garfied populate the pages. Maybe turning to the public for suggestions wouldn't be a bad idea.

Gene Weingarten: Wrong.
Whenever they are asked, the public expresses a preference for Beetle Bailey, Garfield, and Peanuts. They need to be weaned from the familiar.

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Scraps O Paper: My husband, a wire service reporter, also leaves scraps of paper throughout the house. I'm assuming, however, that people can actually read your scraps. His are unintelligible. I've often said that he could write a detailed plan to murder me and run off with the cute woman next door, place it neatly beside the toaster -- and I would still be in the dark. What's more, I have no idea (because I can't read them) which scraps are important enough to keep and which can safely be thrown away. Does your household have a finely crafted policy on this?

Gene Weingarten: My wife throws every such thing into my bathroom sink, which assures I will have to look at it at least once a day.

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Comics Editors: What exactly does a comics editor do? Is there really anything to edit, except perhaps to censor an entire strip on occasion? Doesn't seem like a 40-hour per week job to me.

Gene Weingarten: Well, it depends on how good the comics editor is. The best editing is needed at the syndicates, where a good editor can help a cartoonist be better. Too often, they don't try though. A great comics editor should probably be a cartoonist, even a failed one.

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Your City and State: The aknowledgment of other humans in our immediate surroundings is proper, if done with subtlety and restraint. I also agree with you, Gene, in that invading personal space and disrupting anonymity is bad.

The reason people should be more "friendly" (not actually "friendly", but less than rude) in everyday non-events such as an elevator ride, building entry/exit, etc., is that this might lead them to be less rude in other circumstances, such as driving, or working in an open plan office environment, because in the deep dark recesses of their minds, they might not view every other person on earth as an obstacle to overcome or nuissance, but rather as a neutral, acceptable, living human person.

For the record, I don't particularly like people, but I try my best not to act as though I automatically can't stand them/am better than them/would run over them with my car if it wouldn't mark the paint. Can't we all just be not-friends-but-also-not enemies?

Gene Weingarten: I would argue that no acknowledgement at all is not-friends-but-not-enemies. No?

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Lansing, Mich.: If you think YOU'RE peeved, try making your living as a cartoonist. It can't be fun to have readers making judgments on whether a paper should run your strip based on a week's worth jammed in the features section the day of the poll.

Gene Weingarten: Precisely. This is either Jef or Patty Mallett (Frazz). But it raises the question, Jef or Patty, whether you will feel the same way in 2040, when Jef is in 2,000 newspapers, and doesn't have a tooth left in his head. Will you still argue against long-in-the-tooth strips?

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Unwanted Greetings: Of course guys like to "greet" "average" looking women. It makes them (the women) feel sexy and appreciated.

Besides, if you do that 100 times a day, and it works once, wasn't it worth it?

Would you rather score with an average chick or strike out with a hot chick?

Gene Weingarten: Um, no offense, but you are a pathetic loser.

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Under my Desk, Va.: The purposeful late-laugh can indeed be useful, as the earlier poster stated. However, it has to be obvious that the person laughing is faking. My wife used this to great effect on her friend's dramatically unfunny boyfriend. He made bad puns every time he opened his mouth. That is, he did so until my wife, after every pun, waited about three seconds and then fake laughed. He soon stopped making bad puns.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. Pretty cruel.

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Late laughter: I have a friend with a limited sense of humor. He doesn't get punchlines unless they are explained to him. (Thereby reducing the joke to not funny). We are such good friends that he has developed this mechanism whereby he watches me carefully when a joke is being told and laughs right on cue. Then, he will excuse himself from the situation, make me come with him and explain the joke. Of course, all of our friends know this and get a good laugh themselves when five minutes after a joke has been told, he's laughing about it (and they are laughing at him). We're a nice bunch of people...not.

Gene Weingarten: This actually perplexes me. I might have to write a monograph about it. How is it that he has the sense of humor to understand why the joke is funny when it is explained, but not before it is explained?

My guess is he is not really finding it funny.

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Yes, this is a common problem: Yes, women are constantly hit on while walking down the street. I really wanted to bash in the skull of a man who drunkenly slurred, "I love you" at me, then had the nerve to throw his popsicle stick at me when I ignored him. Often these men are really persistent, too -- the polite head nod of acknowledgement is never enough.

And I'm not an exceptionally attractive woman -- I'm fairly pretty, but I'm also unfashionably large, though I do generally dress reasonably nice and not sloppy. Seriously, I shudder to think what would happen if I lost a lot of weight and was suddenly considered conventionally attractive.

Gene Weingarten: I'm not sure this has a lot to do with looks. It is hostility. An analog of rape.

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Lansing, Mich.: Heck, yes. If Frazz is still good, it can stay. But if it's not, it ought to be out of there in favor of something fresher. Good incentive for cartoonists to stay on their toes.

(Patty, by the way...)

Gene Weingarten: You say that NOW....

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Re: Pedestrians: Nothing makes me angrier than the pedestrians in Annapolis. Annapolis has posted signs all over downtown that remind motorists of the state law that requires them to yield to pedestrians. Unfortunately, it has made the pedestrians entirely too bold. They jump out in front of cars all the time because they know about The Law. My friend nearly killed a couple who were just standing in the middle of a crosswalk this weekend, trying to figure out where they were.

washingtonpost.com: This same awful system is now spreading through Arlington. Thing is, I think the signs mean "Yield to pedestrians already in crosswalk. However, most pedestrians seem to think it means they can step off the sidewalk directly in front of a car going 30 mph -- and expect it to stop. I'm convinced accidents must be happening because of this.

Gene Weingarten: This is interesting. People are that dum?

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Sense Of Hum, OR: I think I have an example of someone who has lost her sense of humor: my sister. She used to be funny. Now she's just nasty. Of course, living with an abusive alcoholic might be the reason, but still, she no longer has a sense of humor on any subject at all.

Gene Weingarten: Senses of humor can be temporarily mislaid. Get her away from the guy, and you'll be surprised what emerges -- honed by some real cynicism.

Hey, I have to go. And I won't be around next week; another super-secret out-of-town assignment. Thank you for more questions than I could handle, some of them quite good. Sorry about that.

Back in two weeks.

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Washington, D.C.: "Of course guys like to "greet" "average" looking women. It makes them (the women) feel sexy and appreciated."

No, it makes us feel nervous, disgusted and creeped-out. I don't want sexual "appreciation" from complete strangers. Nor does it please me to be treated as though I might be some nymphomaniac slut who will allow any random stranger to "score" with her on the basis of a street catcall. Yuck.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly.

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Effar, AZ: That wasn't Jef up there. Might have been Patty. But I'll answer the question, since it's Jef here:

I'll be happy to enjoy the benefits of familiarity when I'm old, bald and toothless as long as I'm still funny. If I'm not consistently funny, I've got no business in the comics no matter how much of a rookie or veteran I am.

I honestly have nothing against the old ones, even the ones in my way -- again, as long as they're good. I'll be competing against something regardless. I just want to compete against quality rather than lazy editors' and readers' habits.

Gene Weingarten: Glad to give you the last word, Jef.

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