Bright Lights, Big Games

Incidentally, if New York is awarded the Games, the IOC will alter the modern pentathlon to consist of spitting, loitering, running a red light, hailing a taxi in the rain and whistling at pretty women.

Plus, now the Olympics will get staffed by Page Six of the New York Post: "Which New York Yankee was seen canoodling with a hothothot Peruvian synchro swimmer last night at Tatou?"

To be truthful, though, if they can pull it off, a New York Olympics might be an unmatched spectacle.

After all, who doesn't want to see Spike Lee courtside heckling Oscar Schmidt?

Ask The Slouch

Q. Since 1999, Colorado football coaches charged the school for beer delivered to their hotel rooms the night before road games, to the tune of $1,465. Do they need to be loaded to game-plan correctly? (Jarret Russ; Ithaca, N.Y.)

A. Actually, I have no problem with coaches expensing beer. I do have a problem that, had they been smart enough to get Rolling Rock, the total cost would've been under $1,200.

Q. How did you manage to write an entire column recently without using any parentheses? (Neil Parks; Beachwood, Ohio)

A. I only use parentheses for important parenthetical thoughts. (If Craig Kilborn were any more self-infatuated, he'd sleep on a mirror.) It's an essential writing tool for me. (God, how I love Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream.)

Q. You seem like a pretty intelligent guy and you used to do a column on football picks, so you understand how odds work. These things considered, how did you end up married in the first place? (Paul Truland; Boston)

A. I got a bad tip on a great broad.

Q. How do I turn off the cicadas so I can hear "SportsCenter?" (Howard Fenton; Washington)

A. Sadly, my friend, you have it backwards.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. E-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!