Starting Lineup

We know the Wizards are punks, but are they feeling lucky? We'll find out Wednesday at the draft lottery. Of course, winning the lottery can be as fraught with peril in the NBA (see Brown, Kwame) as it is in real life (see brown, not being able to find a Bentley in just the right shade of). Perhaps that's why our special guest stars content themselves with the smaller stakes of these scratch-off games.

Fortune Hunter, Kevin Garnett: MVP rants about his arsenal: "A couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them." A curious Ricky Williams attempts to place silencers on his own joints.

Deal Me In, Transsexuals: Allowed to compete in Olympic Games. Bill Parcells predicts Terry Glenn will sweep the women's sprint events.

Extreme Green, New York Jets: Stadium plan includes wind turbines and solar collectors to generate electricity. Smart of them to realize they can't count on the home team to do that.

Lucky Stars, Wladimir Klitschko: Battered boxer proclaims himself healthy and "ready to fly to space." Scientists are debating how long it will take him to hit the mat in zero gravity.

Reel Cash, Jessica Simpson: Reportedly nabs role of Daisy in "Dukes of Hazzard" movie. She's already called "A Beautiful Mind" star Russell Crowe for tips on how to convincingly portray such an intellectual giant.

Shell Game, Rodrigo Lopez: Shelled in first start of season, making an impressively quick adjustment from effective reliever to member of the O's rotation.

Summer Fun, Jacquez Green: Ex-Redskin signs with CFL's Montreal Alouettes, leaving the team one Wuerffel short of resurrecting the "Amusement 'n' Pistolet" offense.

Royal Flush, Twista: Rapper's tour bus empties over 200 gallons of raw sewage into Indianapolis street. Police swear they've never heard anyone deny responsibility so fast.

Bring Home the Bacon, Edolphus Towns: N.Y. Representative worries that NCAA athletes are being "used and abused." Of course, Chris Webber has been out of school for 11 years, and he's still being used and abused.

3 Times Lucky, Diana DeGarmo: Marginally talented singer sneaks through to "American Idol" final. Voting analysts said the 16-year-old is receiving an inordinately high number of votes from the Blacksburg vicinity.

Dash for Cash, 50 Cent: Rapper's face will adorn Steve Hobday's car in British race. Dale Earnhardt Jr. will stick with a Budweiser decal, although his fans pledge to honor 50 with nine shots.

Benched: Outdoorsy Deion, Whoopi, "Whoopi," Kelli White, the Chili Cook-Off, David Wells.