Me: I am a lifelong wearer of your products, and I like them just fine, but I got to the mall yesterday, and I saw something very disturbing. They were Jockey underpants. The picture showed a guy, like, shaving or doing something very manly, but he was wearing what appears to be, well, panties.
Maria: That's the Next to Nothing line of briefs.
(Illustration by Eric Shansby)
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Me: My question is, have you ever sold a single one of these items?
Maria: Oh, yes!
Me: My theory is that you aren't trying to sell them. You have them there to make all your other products look manlier. So, here is my suggestion: Go all the way. Just call them panties. Panties for men. Manties, by Jockey.
Maria: Ha-ha.
Me: I'm serious. And you should also sell pantyhose for men. Call them Panty-he's. So a guy comes along in the store and sees a display of Manties and Panty-he's, and he's going to buy 12 basic white Jockey boxer shorts, right quick.
Maria: You know, some men wear pantyhose when they ski.
Me:Omigod.
Bose Audio
Me: I was in the mall yesterday and saw your sound systems, the ones that basically look like $20 plastic clock radios but fill a room with rich, philharmonic sound?
Tim: Sure.
Me: My question is, could this technology be weaponized?
Tim: It has been.
Me: Excuse me?
Tim: It's called an acoustic wave cannon. It puts out a 120-decibel noise of a baby crying. It induces headaches and vomiting, in large crowds. It's a crowd suppressor.
Me:
Tim: So how can I help you?
Me: Never mind. I can't top that.
Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon at www.washingtonpost.com.
