Q.My wife and I have two daughters, the older being a tall and intelligent 15-year-old with an explosive temper.
She frequently takes it out on me, and is more likely to cooperate with her mom, yet they have fights, too.
I think it all relates to some internal family issues. I have had career problems and we have moved too often. As a consequence, our marriage is in trouble and my wife and I may be separating soon. When I suggest family counseling, however, she says she doesn't believe in it. I think she just wants me to leave.
Our problems seem to come to a head with our daughter. I have in the past overreacted to her explosions, either yelling back or imposing unreasonable restrictions, but now I don't know what to do.
For example, our family computer works much better when only one person is logged on, so I recently logged my daughter off Instant Messenger so I could go online. I didn't think this was much of a problem, since she was about to visit a friend anyway, but she retaliated by screaming and swearing at me and calling me names. I stayed calm and asked her to quiet down, but instead of backing me up, my wife simply took her to her friend's house, saying that it was all my fault.
I know someday my daughter will outgrow this angry behavior but I don't want to lose her in the meantime.
A.Some of your daughter's outbursts are surely caused by your marital problems, for the prospect of divorce often infuriates a child, whether she's 5 or 15 or 50. But there are other reasons for her explosive behavior.
Your daughter is drenched with hormones every day -- sometimes strong, sometimes weak -- and at the same time, she is trying to break away from you and her mom so she can figure out just who she is. This is a teenager's biggest job as well as her hardest one.
The major cause of her anger, however, is probably based on something else. While job changes and frequent moves will upset any family, it's the way the parents and children treat each other, day to day, that decides how happy and congenial they will be.
Parents who yell at their children -- especially at young children and teenagers -- and who give them unreasonable punishments are bound to get yelled at in return. And a parent who clicks off his child's IM session, without even saying please, will be met with fireworks, too. And rightly so.
You wouldn't do this to your boss and you certainly shouldn't do this to your daughter because, unlike your boss, she cannot escape. She can't fire you. She can't demote you or cut your pay. All she can do is explode, and she will keep right on exploding until you show her the respect that she, and every member of your family, deserves. It's not fair to take advantage of the people who love you.
It comes down to this: Family harmony depends on good manners, because good manners show kindness better than anything else. If you want your daughter to be more mannerly, you'll have to be more mannerly -- more respectful -- to her, because she's not going to change until you do.
You probably can't make these changes until you see a therapist, not for marriage counseling with your wife, but for anger management, for yourself.
This will take many months, and much hard work, but in the end you will be able to govern your temper, be more polite at home and ask your family's forgiveness whenever you lose your cool.
By apologizing every time you blow up -- rather than blaming your problems on job changes and frequent moves -- you can probably rebuild your relationship with your 15-year-old and perhaps your wife, too, especially if all four of you have some family therapy a little later.
In addition, read "Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage" by Margery D. Rosen and the editors of Ladies Home Journal (Workman, $13.95) and ask your wife to read it. It's packed with sensible, easy-to-understand advice for both men and women, drawn from that grand old magazine column "Can This Marriage Be Saved."
Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.
