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Hot Under the Almighty Collar

By Art Buchwald
Tuesday, March 22, 2005; Page C04

Everyone has an opinion on the environment. Recently, evangelical church leaders warned that global warming is dangerous and cannot be ignored.

Here is how the Kyoto Bible would read.

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Before there was Heaven and Earth there was only darkness, so God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. Then God decided to create the Earth. He commanded the rivers to lie in their banks, and the oceans to roll back from the land. He made plants and trees to grow on the land and bear fruit.

First God made the fish, and then the birds and all the animals big and small to walk the Earth.

God created one more creature to make the world complete. He took the clay from the Earth and molded it in the shape of a man and named it Adam.

And that's when God's troubles began. God put Adam in a beautiful place called the Garden of Eden. But Adam was lonely, so God took one of his ribs and created a woman, Eve, to be with him and do his work.

They would have been happy forever, but a snake crawled into the garden. God told Adam and Eve he did not create the snake, who really was His enemy, Satan.

One beautiful day, the snake offered Eve a cigarette. It was cork-tipped. He said: "Have a puff. It will bring you knowledge."

Eve, who was thirsting for knowledge, took a few puffs. When God smelled burning tobacco, he called down to Adam and asked, "Who's smoking?"

Adam said: "Eve. She had a few drags because she thinks it makes her smarter and look more sophisticated."

"I told you both that you were forbidden to light cigarettes in the Garden of Eden because it is a smoke-free zone."

Adam said: "Eve is trying to quit. But you can't expect her to go cold turkey in a month."

God was furious because they had disobeyed Him, and He decided to punish them. He made them leave the Garden of Eden and go out into the real world, which God was sorry He had ever created.

A few weeks after that, God looked down on Earth and saw a large forest fire that swept from Trenton to Malibu.


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