Starting Lineup

First we had soccer moms, then NASCAR dads, and now the hot new demographic is – Republicans? Well, that's what John Kerry seems to think. However, would-be running mate John McCain is hip to the fact that bipartisanship is, like, so, you know, never was, and so back to the Democratic rummage bin it is. But if Kerry is smart, he'll snag the latest in make-or-break voting blocs with one of these Veep candidates:

Road Ragers, Matt Kenseth: NASCAR driver penalized for unnecessary bumping. Now if only the PGA would crack down on Tiger's excessive grinding.

Yes-Men, Marv Albert: Longtime voice of Knicks and Rangers let go by MSG network. A stunned Albert was said to feel like he had the rug pulled out from on top of him.

Left-Wing Conspiracy Theorists, Bill Clinton: Turns out he slept on the couch for two months because Hillary was mad about Monica. And we always figured he was just trying to invent new variations on the counter-trey.

Faux Buddhists, Phil Jackson: Steps aside as Lakers coach. Jackson plans to return to coaching, but first he needs to take a year or two to relax, do some fishing and figure out which NBA team has the best talent.

Raven Nation, Ray Lewis: "Black is what we represent; it's who we are," gushes linebacker about the Ravens' new jerseys. We can think of at least one Bird who can't be happy about this.

Himbos, Jesse Palmer: "The Bachelor" breaks up with sweetheart Jessica Bowlin. After watching him decline to offer her an engagement ring, immerse himself in training camp and then extol their "friendship," it's safe to say this quarterback has mastered the three-step drop.

Canadians, Brett Hull: Hockey star considers playing for WHA, an obscure league with virtually no national fan base. So he should feel right at home.

Un-Retirees, Jay Haas: Veteran's strong U.S. Open performance should portend success on 50-and-over tour. Meantime, David Duval figures to excel on the 165-and-over circuit.

Style Goddesses, Sarah Jessica Parker: Cleaned-up version of "Sex and the City" debuts to huge ratings on TBS. But Dick Pound claims he has top-secret proof that the show is still dirty.

Karaoke Singers, Madonna: Interest in Jewish mysticism leads her to adopt Biblical name Esther. Barry Bonds says Kabbalah, Schmabbalah, people have been calling him Ruth for years.

Benched: "The Man Show," the Jack Nicholson show, Britney's shows, the O's, Pat O'Brien, "Let's Get It Started."