Instead, found the following zingy announcement from CBS:
CBS Unilaterally Declares: The Summer Is Over! And We Win!
The outlaw Mike Wallace: In case you haven't heard the news yet, he's an 86-year-old man.
(Jennifer Graylock -- AP)
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Aug. 12 Deemed by #1 Network to Be the Official End to the Summer Because the Olympics Begin on Friday.
Hello -- this was good stuff.
"We're doing it because we can," CBS said in a moment of candor so rare among the television networks these days. "And because it makes us look incredibly good."
The network noted, with understandable pride, that it has clocked the most viewers this summer -- "a time that was supposed to be a big deal for everybody else."
"Everybody else" is a smug reference to ABC, NBC and Fox; all of them announced with much hoopla last spring that they would treat viewers to summer prime-time lineups packed to the gills with original episodes of new scripted series like "Method & Red" and "Quintuplets," and new reality series including "Trading Spouses," "The Ultimate Love Test" and "Next Action Star."
The Reporters Who Cover Television lapped it up, and nobody paid much mind to CBS, which said it would stick with the tried-and-true formula of mostly series reruns, zipped up with fifth editions of its two lesser reality series, "Big Brother" and "Amazing Race."
Fast forward: CBS has won almost every week of the summer in the ratings, with eight of the top nine programs. Six are reruns, starting with No. 1-ranked "CSI" repeats.
For the summer, CBS is first among viewers, and trails NBC in the 18-to-49-year-old demographic group that is all NBC targets by just 26,000 viewers -- the population of Helena, Mont. This is CBS's closest competitive position in that key demo during the summer since the advent of people-meter technology in fall '87.
"Thursday, Aug. 12 is henceforth the official end of the summer, at least this year," CBS continued in yesterday's pronouncement.
"We are sure that this unilateral but fair decision on our part will be greeted with as much respect and serious discussion as was another network's contention earlier this year that the new television season would begin immediately after the 2004 Olympics."
That is, of course, a reference to NBC, whose leader, Jeff Zucker -- "Zippy" to his detractors in Hollywood -- is the archrival of CBS chief Leslie Moonves -- "Mr. Moonves, sir, and please, don't hurt me" to his detractors.
NBC coughed up nearly $800 million for the rights to telecast the Summer Games. It announced some time ago that it planned to start rolling out its new shows early this year to take advantage of the enormous audiences it expects will watch the Olympics. According to Nielsen, the 2004-05 TV season officially starts on Sept. 20.
