Chatological Humor*

Colorful and Hilarious. And You?

Gene Weingarten (Richard Thompson - The Washington Post)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

this week's poll | Special Bonus Poll

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

Colleagues on Weingarten:

"As for you, Weingarten, get a life. If you exercise every day, and get off the sauce, you will learn Deep Throat's identity, when we want you to know." -- Washington Post Vice President at Large Ben Bradlee

"Interestingly, he doesn't joke about poop in person (at least he never has with me)." -- Former Washington Post columnist Bob Levey

"W. attracts all of us loyal, devoted, strong yet vulnerable, affectionate women who lavish him with attention way beyond what he deserves." -- "I'm With Stupid" co-author Gina Barreca

"The truth is, Weingarten DOESN'T know who Lesley Stahl is. He's that out of it."
"Weingarten's hair is a national disgrace. Seriously his hair is a war crime." -- Washington Post staff writer Joel Achenbach

"The whole world is the butt of Gene's jokes...consider it a form of flattery." -- What's Cooking host Kim O'Donnel

"I do not even acknowledge the fellow columnist to whom you refer: He who shan't be named. I believe I once said he is filth, he is scum. He is... simply the worst thing in the world." -- Washington Post Reliable Source columnist Richard Leiby

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

I was going to write a column this week flogging a horse that died so long ago it's mostly just bone and maggot. With the announcement that baseball will return to D.C., I was going to make the case, once again, for the name "The Washington Clout."

This name, which I think is splendid, was an entry in the very first Style Invitational, in March of 1993, which was a contest to rename the Redskins. "The Washington Clout," which was proposed by D.C. PR Man Hank Wallace, did not win because it was not particularly funny. It was merely great. So I wrote a column suggesting that the Redskins rename themselves that, and when that didn't work, I suggested it again two years later when Abe Pollen was looking to rename the Bullets.

And now … this. Clout is an even better name for a baseball team! Everything was going according to plan for yet a third petulant, obnoxious column that would be ignored, when something dreadful happened. Wait, actually, as I was typing the previous line, something dreadful just DID happen. My spellchecker underlined the word "something" in red. I looked at this in puzzlement. Can S-O-M-E-T-H-I-N-G possibly be wrong? Spelchek is idiotic, but it never makes a mistake like that. I began going over the word in my head, thinking this is crazy, but might I be forgetting how to spell it? It LOOKS right. Might there be no "e"? My vast arsenal of medical information about the onset of Alzheimers symptoms flashed through what was left of my brain. (This is all literally true.) My heart began to pound. And then I realized that I had typed "something" twice, so spelchek had highlighted the second one.

Okay, where was I? The Washington Clout. Anyway, I was going to write that column for a third time when something dreadful happened - someone came up with a better idea. Mayor Williams suggested The Washington Grays.

This is a good name. It oozes history; it has dignity; it rights a terrible wrong; and it even speaks to the complexity of public issues. The uniforms could be monochrome, and very cool. I like it. Let's do it.

On last week's subject of goody-two-shoes cartoonists entering racy areas, I hope you all saw Dennis the Menace yesterday. Eye-poppingly suggestive! Hot! Liz will link to it.

The comic POW is today's wonderful Non Sequitur. Runner-up is yesterday's Speed Bump.

Remember to take today's poll, and the special, auxiliary bonus poll. As always, I will reveal the correct answers midway through.

Let's do it.

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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week:
Non Sequitur, (Oct. 5)

Runner Up:
Speed Bump, (Oct. 4)

Dennis the Menace, (Oct. 4)

Vote in today's poll double-header:
Poll 1 | Poll 2

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The Empire of Conan the Barbarian: Good morning Gene,

I am a fan of both you and Wonkette, so I was pleasantly surprised to see your collaborative effort on Sunday. She has always struck me as both an intelligent and sensual person, radiating sexual energy in a literary manner. What are your impressions of her?

Gene Weingarten: We only communicated via email. To be perfectly blunt, she was cold and monosyllabic. Icy. Peremptory. Businesslike. Gave me the impression that she was cooperating with me only because she thought it was in her interests. Did not respond to followup attempts to communicate.

It was odd, all told. A little creepy. But I like her site.

Hey, did anyone read the NYT magazine profile of her last week? Very interesting.

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Spar, KY: (Submitting early due to ADD)
Hello Gene and lovely chatmeister! Question: Is this our very own Gina? Or her queenly sister?

Gene Weingarten: That's Gina. She writes under "Regina" and uses the distinction strategically: If someone phones her and chattily says "Regina," she knows this is someone she doesn't know.

Gina was Gina at birth. That's her real name. She changed it to Regina professionally at a young age for reasons she discloses with some embarrassment and to a great deal of laughter: She thought the capital "G" looked fat.

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Ellicott City, Md.: Aaron McGruder was on CNN after the first debate. Pretty much on for analysis/critique and he was scathing to Bush repeatedly calling him an idiot. He seems really smart, and can talk really well, but I do think that he is going to have to mellow a bit to keep it together. So the question is was Garry Trudeau this much of a firebrand in his "youth" as I see him the closest model for how Aaron can keep it together.

Gene Weingarten: Garry and Aaron are temperamentally totally different. I think Aaron needs to decide whether he is a cartoonist or a politician.

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washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: The Acid Test, (Post Magazine, Oct. 3)

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He, LL: Hi, I need some advice.

There is a person in my cube area who has to be the world's loudest typist. This annoys me greatly. She doesn't care that this annoys me.

I can only play my music loud late in the day when most folks are gone. I'm sick of wearing headphones so I don't have to hear her; it's not polite either to people who come to talk to me and have to figure out a way to get my attention with my back turned.

Can you think of any (funny) way that I can get back at this person? You can probably hear her typing though we are several miles from you.

Gene Weingarten: There are ways to induce carpal tunnel syndrome.

YES I KNOW IT IS A SERIOUS AND TERRIBLE AFFLICTION LIKE FIBROMYALGIA AND EVERYTHING AND I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF THIS CRIPPLING SCOURGE OR SUGGESTING THAT THIS PERSON SERIOUSLY CONSIDER WHAT WOULD AMOUNT TO ASSAULT AND BATTERY ON A COWORKER THIS IS A JOKE, A JOKE CHAT AND WE MAKE JOKES ABOUT THINGS WE AREN'T SERIOUS IT'S ALL IN FUN THANK YOU.

There are ways of inducing carpal tunnel syndrome. No, I won't tell you what they are.

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Birmingham, Ala.: Gene, I'm the poster from last week who asked if you were familiar with the "vanity cards" that Chuck Lorre runs at the end of episodes of "Two and a Half Men." I have transcribed two of them for you. By luck, he ran one of my favorites, #111, last night. The other one, #121 (his numbering system -- not mine), is newer and funny in a darker way. Keep in mind that he writes exactly enough words to completely fill the TV screen in small print that appears to be just a copyright and legalese until you read it. I'm hoping that I can reproduce that here:
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Chuck Lorre Productions, # 111

This is the official I have nothing worth writing about vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don't be surprised to see it quite a bit. Form now on, when our schedule requires me to deliver a new card, and I'm empty, I'll simply say, ‘Run one eleven.' A check of the one hundred and ten cards I've already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn't I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well... I'm just that kind of guy. But I'm older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.

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Chuck Lorre Productions, # 121

BLOOD THIRSTY
By
Chuck Lorre

My name is Larry Sudarkis and my first memories are of the basement. That was my entire world since before I can remember. My mother and father always told me I had to stay down there for my own safety. But I knew that wasn't true. I wasn't locked in that cold cement walled room because I was in danger. I was down there because they were afraid of me. They tried to hide their fear, but I could smell it on their skin. The oddest part is they could never bring themselves to tell me they were afraid -- not even the night I drank the life from their warm, dying bodies.

NOTE: All of the above has been lined out, as though he edited and replaced with what's below.

LARRY
By Chuck Lorre

Pa n Ma says me Larry and lives me in basement room since I was floor crawlin. Pa n Ma says it safest for me in basement room. But I knowed Pa n Ma fraid Larry. I knowed our skin smell waz powerful fear. Sad wuz Pa n Ma not truthed me bout fearin Larry. Not even nite I dranked up all Pa n Ma's warmy blood.
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That second part was very hard to type! Aren't they wonderful? As I mentioned before, they flash by in about a second, so the only way to read them is to record and then pause or freeze-frame. I think they are worth the effort.

I won't be able to get to a computer during the chat today, and almost wish you would hold this until next week, but the choice is yours.

Gene Weingarten: Interesting. You freeze these and copy them, nerdowitz?

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, there's only one poll important enough to be that difficult, and it takes place on November 2.

washingtonpost.com: Vote anyway: Poll 1 | Poll 2

Gene Weingarten: No one said humor entailed no pain.

Humor is a harsh mistress.

Oooh.

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Under Jim Davis' thumb: I have a question that I've been wrestling with for a long time. A friend and I are stuck on it and think that there is evidence going both ways, sometimes contradictory. Can Jon understand Garfield? Sometimes it seems like they're talking past each other, sometimes it seems like Jon answers Garfield. I can't wrap my mind around it. Also, when is Garfield thinking, and when is he talking, if Jon can understand him and all of his dialogue is in thought balloons?

Gene Weingarten: Davis is very cagey about this, but I have seen strips where there is no joke unless Jon understands Garfield.

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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: Dennis' mother is looking especially hot in that comic, no?

Gene Weingarten: She does! And she has a becoming little blush!

I have to say, Alice Mitchell is the most underrated comics female. Her name never comes up during those Mary Ann or Ginger debates, which is dreadfully unfair. She is a cupcake.

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Dirty Tricks: Poll one is obviously a con, meant to keep the slow witted from actually participating in the chat. Can you really expect us to read all of that and then re-read it for the elaborate "grouping" choices? Now way.

It reminds me of that "quiz" kids are given in third or fourth grade where the teacher says "make sure you read ALL the instructions before starting the quiz" and of course no one does, they just start plowing through the maze of questions until finally getting bogged down or until finally someone notices that the very last instruction is to ignore everything else and put your pencil down.

Gene Weingarten: Quit bellyaching. This is all in service of the deconstruction of humor, which is the subtle backstory of this chat. It is our ethos.

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Washington, D.C.: Here's a better name -- the Washington Reagans. It will grow on you.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: Submitting very early: A question for you and/or PtheP -- Is there anything wrong with this sentence, taken from an AP story that ran on Thursday?

"(Jodee) Hogg and Matthew Ramige — both employees of the U.S. Forest Service — were the sole survivors of a horrific plane crash that killed three of their colleagues, Ken Good, Davita Long and Jim Long, on Sept. 20."

Can two people be "sole survivors?" Even if they can, does it make sense to apply the term to two people out of five? Please enlighten.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. I welcome Pthep if she is around. I would say if you substite "only" for "sole" this sentence is fine. So I would say you can have two people who are sole survivors. But maybe not. Maybe the word you could substitute would have to be "lone," and that wouldn't work. Help. Pat?

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Better Team Name: Name the new team the Washington Exposé. It has a hint of scandal AND you don't have to get new uniforms. Just add a letter and an accent mark.

Gene Weingarten: Haahaha.

BUT THAT'S FRENCH.

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Son, GS: They both suck. Old man!

washingtonpost.com: That's where you're wrong. Both are very good... and I am not an old man.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, they do not both suck. I doubt any reasonable fan of rock, of any age, would contend they BOTH suck.

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Deba, TN: Gene, durnig last week's debate, I noticed that President Bush said jokingly of Senator Kerry, "I try not to hold it against him that he went to Yale." Considering that Bush himself went to Yale, what is that joke supposed to mean? I'm baffled.

And when will Woodward and Bernstein expose that "Liz" and Wonkette are the same person?

washingtonpost.com: Ha. You insult us both.

Gene Weingarten: This was not remotely the oddest thing that Bush said. When he was talking about having met with a woman whose husband was killed in Iraq, he said:

"You know, it's hard work to try to love her as best as I can, knowing full well that the decision I made caused her loved one to be in harm's way."

Doesn't it seem a little crass for Bush to be putting the moves on a war widow?

WHAT IS THIS MAN TALKING ABOUT? And is this related to the way he said that obstetricians "practice their love" on their patients?

That was quite a debate, wasn't it? Bush looked like a man in severe intestinal distress.

I am sure that even at this moment, handlers are working on Cheney to try to transform that crooked sneer into something resembling a smile, no? "No, no, Mr. Vice President, you still look too much like Montgomery Burns..."

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Li, AR: The first runner up in this week's Style Invitational is a rip-off of an old "Deep Thoughts" bit from Saturday Night Live:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

washingtonpost.com: Style Invitational, (Post, Oct. 3)

Vote in this week's poll.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, this happens about once a year; uncaught plagiarism is as old as the Invitational. The Empress is addressing this on Sunday.

And yes, it is what gave me the idea for today's poll.

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Lexington Park, Md.: I dunno about the Washington Greys. Some stupid organization will come along and scream that the name glorifies the racist Confederate States.

On a same note, did you see that there was a recent study that said 90 percent of American Indians did NOT find the name Redskin insulting at all. But what the majority thinks doesn't matter. We must placate the minority.

Gene Weingarten: If a Negro League ballclub based in Homestead, Pa. found no problem with the name "Grays," I would say it pretty much inoculates it for all time, don't you? That was the team of Cool Papa Bell.

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Germantown, Md.: Team name:

I like the Washington Plotkins, both as a tribute(?) to the local pundit and as a probable description of their play.

Although ExExpos is nice...

Gene Weingarten: Yes, this is a fine name.

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washingtonpost.com: Re: Lorre. He has a Web site with all the text from the vanity cards online: www.chucklorre.com. Gene Weingarten: Ah. Noted.

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Pittsburgh, Pa.: RE Wonkette -- Yes, I did read the New York Times article about her (and other bloggers) on Sunday. She came off sounding like she was more interested in getting her 15 minutes of fame and name dropping than having anything really substantive to say (which I thought was borne out in her portion of your column on Sunday). I wasn't impressed at all (with her -- I think you are the best!).

Gene Weingarten: I liked 'kette's first answer a lot. I thought she did well.

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Lita, NY: Re: Doonesbury & Mallard Filmore

A couple of chats ago you said something to the effect of "running both Doonesbury & Mallard Filmore in the same newspaper is a sign of a weenie comics editor."

Now, as a relative leftie, I may not be the most objective; however, it seems to me that you'd need both "Doonesbury" and "Boondocks" to balance out "Mallard" (my local newspaper, Newsday, carries all three). Doonesbury is subtle, humorous, and is not afraid to criticize both sides if it's warranted. "Boondocks" has been more biting lately, but at least it somewhat balances out with non-policital strips. However, it seems like "Mallard" is just an excuse to take daily potshots at the left. Biased observation or fact? Gene, you decide.

Gene Weingarten: That's precisely the problem with Mallard. I hear this week it is running an attack on Dan Rather. I bet it is not funny.

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Raci, AL: Please, please, please tell me I'm wrong. I'm starting to feel like one of those (whack-job pedantic white liberal) nuts who read racism into everything. There was something about Sunday's "Pearls Before Swine" that struck me as a not so thinly disguised racist metaphor. The images -- backwards ball caps, cell phones, sunglasses, the coloring of the strip itself. There was just something about it that struck me as ugly. Am I a nut? Am I a racist for reading the cartoon and seeing a racial metaphor? Am I misusing the term metaphor? For the record, I thought the controversial "Boondocks" strip to be a riot -- very, very funny. Also for the record, I have a screamingly racist uncle who still refers to minorities as "ants" -- so maybe it's just a personal trigger.

Sigh.

washingtonpost.com: Pearls Before Swine, (Oct. 3)

Gene Weingarten: I don't see it. And I don't think Pastis would do that.

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Jopl, IN: Gene, you got it wrong. To make amends is to apologize for or to rectify a wrong you have inflicted. Janis must make amends for the wrong she has influcted upon her Porshe-driving friends by not participating in their materialistic lifestyle; driving a Mercedes will accomplish this because she will be joining them. It is the line that makes the song.

Gene Weingarten: Um, you have twisted yourself into a pretzel trying to justify that line.

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Arlington, Va.: What is the funniest Halloween costume?

Gene Weingarten: My friend Libby Burger once dressed as a tampon. I once wrote a play in which a little girl gets her parents to encase her in styrofoam, saying she is going as a sugar cube. But when neighbors asked her what she was, she said "a urinal deodorant cake."

I think my favorite real costume was worn by Marc Fisher's daughter, Julia. She once trick or treated as Joe Torre.

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Miami Herald: On Dave Barry's blog, what does OIYDWYMTTY(NY)G stand for?

Gene Weingarten: I referred your question to Mr. Barry, who referred it to his research department, Ms. Judi Smith, who is responsible for many of Dave's bloglinks. Judy reports that this acronym is a warning she sometimes supplies if one should not open said link at work, Or If You Don't Want Your Mother To Think You're (Not Your) Gay.
This response, which was copied to Dave, resulted in a further explanation from Dave, copied to Judi, that Judi, in fact, seems to have a propensity for finding links involving handsome naked men. A furious, frothing exchange of indignant, denunciatory and conciliatory emails ensued between Dave and Judi, all of which were copied to me, basically choking my server and immobilizing all email. Some of it is unprintable. Suffice it to say that the consensus seems to be that 1) Judi certainly has absolutely no undue attraction to naked, good looking men. 2) She certainly does seem to link to them with frequency. 3) 1 and 2 above are completely unrelated. 4) The men are probably all gay, anyway. 5) Not that Judi cares because she is completely blameless in this matter, and of the highest moral fiber. 6.) Fiber makes you poop.

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Kensuc, KY: Just thought you should know I'm seeing an ad for brain tumor diagnosis -- braintumor.org -- at the bottom of this chat. Now I'm wondering -- could my generic cold -- congestion, sneezing, fatigue -- be something more serious?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, it could be Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. Believe me, you don't want to know.

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Hypothetic, AL: The comics section of the My washingtonpost.com page only allows you to display 14 comics (including editorial cartoons) at a time.

If you could only read 14 comics a day, which ones would you pick?

Gene Weingarten: In no particular order: Dilbert, Frazz, Speed Bump, Pearls, Doonesbury, Boondocks, Zits, Rhymes With Orange, Mr. Boffo, Fox Trot, Pickles, Fuzzy, Nonsequitur, and something called Loose Parts by Dave Blazek.

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Sedalia, Mo.: Hi Gene. Love you, love your show. I'm a bartender, and over the weekend I found myself in the middle of a conversation two very inebriated customers were having about the upcoming presidential election. Strangely, I found one of their arguments quite compelling. Drunk No. 1 was saying that he couldn't vote for Kerry because, personally, he didn't trust him. Drunk No. 2, who I found myself agreeing with, said that you should never vote for a person, you should vote for a party because, in the end, the president is just a figurehead.

What do you think?

Gene Weingarten: I think two things:

1. In one sense, it all comes down to who you want to see on the U.S. Supreme Court for the next 20 years, and;

2. I think it is possible to have a situation where the incumbent has screwed up so mightily that it is time to give somebody -- virtually anybody -- else a shot.

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Today's Non Sequitur: So why do we call a hidden danger a "Trojan horse?"
Shouldn't it be a "Greek horse?"

Gene Weingarten: This is a good question.

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Bethesda, Md.: Can you explain Saturday's "Non Sequitur?" I finally figured out that it was a dog sled buried in the snow and I think it's supposed to be dogs (they are dogs aren't they?) looking up in the air at the driver flying by after hitting the bump -- that's the only thing that makes sense. My husband said the sled is upside down, but it isn't -- the handles are the way they should be if upright but it seems to be buried in the snow and the dogs are on top of it. How could it get buried and the dogs on top (instead of in front) while the driver is in the air? Very lame.

washingtonpost.com: Non Sequitur, (Oct. 2)

Gene Weingarten: I cannot explain this either. Can anyone else? I thought it might have something to do with the competing comic strip.

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Arlington, Va.: Will "I'm With Stupid" be out in paperback in time for the December buying season?

Gene Weingarten: No. You have to spring for the hardback.

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Berryville, Va. -- RLS in Dear Abby!: Gene,

As an avid reader and follower of your columns and chats, I must shamefully admit to being dubious about this "Restless Leg Syndrome" that your producer claims to have. However, today's "Dear Abby" has given me the proof I strongly desired.

I apologize for ever doubting, and won't do it again!

POOP!

washingtonpost.com: Dear Abby, (Oct. 5)

Poor misunderstood Sherman may have RLS, but it's more likely he's actually suffering from PLMS. This is a common confusion and PLMS often accompanies RLS. Quick rule of thumb: Limbs flailing about while sleeping = PLMS. Can't sleep because of sensation of worms crawling through leg muscles = RLS. In Sherm's case, the PLMS might be a temporary condition, brought on by his wife's insensitivity and selfishness.

Gene Weingarten: This is now the leading online forum for sufferers of this dread disease.

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Pat the Perfect, ME : Re the "sole survivors": Webster's New World, a standard dictionary, actually approves of this, defining "sole" as "having to do with only one person OR GROUP." And it seems to treat "sole" and "only" interchangeably. But "sole" is used much more seldom than "only," and so its meaning of all-by-itself tends to be more jarring when used to mean more than one person.

My guess is that the reader wouldn't have thought about "only" if it had been used in that sentence.

Gene Weingarten: There we go.

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New York, N.Y.: And why is the expression "beware of Greeks bearing gifts?" Shouldn't it be "beware of gifts bearing Greeks?"

Gene Weingarten: Touche.

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Los Angeles, Calif.: Hi Gene. This question is for Liz. Hi Liz. Do you take offense at posters/chatters/whatever we are referred to asking you to link to things because last week someone did and you answered with a tight fingered "no?" Does your job description require that you only obey requests of persons on the payroll of The Post, or what's more, is that privilege reserved for Gene and Gene only because he is your chat sensei?

Also, last week I was pretty irritated at the burn perpetrated by you two with the Cuppy Cake site until you said to turn up the volume -- touché mother f-ers! That was brilliant! A really good laugh. It made up for the outrageously poor pick of Pearls as runner up last week. That pick was a low point for you Gene.

Seacrest out.

washingtonpost.com: a. The terse "no" was a reaction to the fact that I was on an incredibly slow dial-up connection while producing last week's show. This week, sky's the limit. Bring it on. That said... if you're gonna write referring to something you've obviously looked at on the Internet yourself, would it hurt to include the link in your question? I'm just saying...

Chat sensei? You mean like Billy Zabka's merciless instructor in "The Karate Kid" as played by B-movie regular Martin Kove? No, I don't picture Gene in that way at all. He's more like Mr. Miyage (as played by the excellent Pat Morita) -- puttering with his bonzai plants (clocks) and asking me to wax cars/paint fences (find links, build polls).

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Dublin, Ireland: Hi Gene, Just been reading the obits of Janet Leigh. She's reported as stating she never took a shower after "Psycho." The longest I've lasted is five days; that's when my friends stopped calling (or were invariably out when I called). A bit of "Psycho" trivia: After the movie's release Hitchcock received a letter from the father of a girl who refused to have a shower after seeing it. He wrote back, simply saying: "Send her to the dry cleaners."

Gene Weingarten: Howdy dude. This is funny.

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Gene Weingarten: To the poll.

Obviously, Sloop John B is a far better song. This requires no explanation, and I shall not reveal which answer Liz chose, for fear of embarrassing her.

The correct answers to the poll about Jack Handey are C, B, and B, in that order. If you chose A for the second question, your sense of humor is severely impaired.


Jack Handey is a comic genius because he basically invented an entire genre of joke, one that depends for its humor not so much on its punchline (which it has) but on a feeling of existential unease that the setup joke delivers. It's surrealistic humor, it works, and he made it happen. However, a little of it goes a long way; there's a reason the old SNL used to deliver only one a night. Reading the online list of Handeyisms becomes an ordeal.

The worst of Jack Handey fall into two categories: Jokes that are belabored (1 and 13) or jokes that are ordinary and telegraphed, lacking the surrealist touch. (14 and 10). At his best, he performs perfect judo with an unexpected punchline, AND delivers a disturbing truth. (4, 9, 12). Oh, also where he is so totally off the wall you bust a gut: (2)

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Non Sequitur: The dogs jumped over the bump but the sled hit it, flinging the driver into the air?

Gene Weingarten: I guess. Is this funny?

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Hey Yankeeboy....: Name your own damn team. Having lived here all my life, I feel like I have the right to tell you to Back The Heck Off. Our team. Our name. Now shoo!;

Gene Weingarten: Actually, since I live here NOW, the D.C. team will be my team, too. I figure I'm not going to have a World Series dilemma for a number of years.

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Tokyo, Japan: Gene as Mr. Miyage? What's his motto, "Wax on, pants off?"

washingtonpost.com: I'm betting Gene hasn't even seen the "Karate Kid," so this may not register.

Gene Weingarten: Correct.

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Greenbelt, Md.: Is Cheez Whiz the funniest food?

Gene Weingarten: Not even close! What kind of an idiot are you?

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Huntingtown, Md.: My girlfriend is beautiful, intelligent, witty, sexy, and sophisticated. She also happens to think you're funny. In order to mentally grasp my standing with her I need to ask the following question: Do opposites attract?

Gene Weingarten: Apparently, yes. "Beautiful, intelligent, witty, sexy, and sophisticated" also describes my wife.

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14th and U Sts NW: Dublin got the Hitchcock joke wrong. A woman refuses to take a shower because of "Psycho" or to take a bath because of some other movie whose name I have forgotten in which someone gets knifed in a tub. Then, Hitch magisterially intones, "Send her to the dry cleaners."

Gene Weingarten: You know, now that I think about it, it's not that great a joke anyway.

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Intestin, AL: Gene -- Speaking of intestinal distress, check out the DNC Web site for this terrific montage of Bush's facial expressions during the debate:
Faces of Frustration

Gene Weingarten: Everytime I tried to link to this, it crashed me. So be careful. But it should be funny.

Yesterday, Dave Barry described the way Bush looked in extremely colorful and hilarious and accurate terms. I'd tell you, but it's his line. Also, Liz might object.

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Get New Responses, Va.: Isn't it time Joe Gibbs is ridden out of town on a Metrorail?

Gene Weingarten: This is, indeed, going to be interesting. What is Washington going to do? This man is a God. He is not fireable.

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Washington, D.C.: Actually, "sensei" means master or teacher. So Mr. Miyagi (and, by extension, Gene) could be senseis also.

But it doesn't really matter, since when I read Liz's comment I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants.

washingtonpost.com: Almost isn't good enough, Buster.

Gene Weingarten: This last comment is from someone who CAN'T pee her pants.

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Ellicott City, Md.: Sloop John B is the better song, but Hang on Sloopy is the more fun song. Which would you play at a wedding?

Gene Weingarten: The only comparison between these two songs is that they both contain "Sloop." It would be like trying to compare Shakespeare with Dale Earnhardt Jr., because they both have "ear"

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Re: George Bush: Gene, THANK GOD you picked up on that "love her" line in Bush's answer last Thursday. As soon as he said those words, my roommates and I exchanged a three-way glance and then burst into laughter that we couldn't contain for the rest of the evening. Since then, I've heard no mention of this episode and was afraid I'd only dreamed it. Until now. Whew!;

Gene Weingarten: I was stunned, too. So far as I know, NO ONE picked it up.

It is like he is losing his marbles, in a kind of inappropriate way.

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El Nerdetta : Submitting late cause I know you won't post this. Carpal tunnel isn't life threatening, so okay to joke about it. A real gentleman would apologize for the Wegner's Disease joke of a few chats ago -- this disease strikes children, destroys their lungs and kidneys and those who survive have their quality of life severely compromised.

Gene Weingarten: It does? I have been making fun of Wegners Granulomatosis for years. I never knew it hit kids. Seriously. Apology extended.

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Jealous Leiby?: So is Leiby giving you the silent treatment due to your Wonkette column? He seems to harbors a bit of infatuation with her.

Gene Weingarten: If I were disrespectful of Leiby, which I am not, I would observe that his infatuation with 'kette is the least of his enormous problems.

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Bush's loving language: Yeah yeah, the "love her" line was good. But what about when he said the insurgents were fighting "fistiferously?"

Gene Weingarten: I missed that. How did the official transcripts clean it up?

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Washington, D.C.: It would be like trying to compare Shakespeare with Dale Earnhardt Jr., because they both have "ear".

How long have you been waiting to bust that one out?

Gene Weingarten: It was spontaneous.

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Re: "love her": I think the reason he talks about loving the poor war widow (and the OB/GYNs giving their love to patients) is some sort of hidden evangelical Christian message thing. It's an open secret that Bush riddles his speeches, etc., with those types of references that only evangelicals will "get." The rest of us either miss them totally or -- like the "loving" reference -- scratch our heads in mystification.

Gene Weingarten: Could be. Wouldn't yuou think it's pretty risky, for what amounts to an in-joke?

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Arlington, Va.: I've always wondered about Sloopy, the girl in the song. What teenage girl would use that moniker? And what guy would go out (or even hang around) with a girl named Sloopy, much less write a song about her?

Gene Weingarten: It does suggest she is, you know, rideable....

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Lansing, Mich.: Hang on Sloopy is just darned repetitive. Plus, Sloop John B. has all that cool falsetto.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, that's what makes the song great.

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Georgetown, Washington, D.C.: I agree with Pittsburgh's opinion about the NYT article on Wonkette, but I remain a fan. And I think she acquitted herself quite well in your column.

Gene Weingarten: Me, too. I wasn't suggesting otherwise.

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Pat the Perfect, ME : Actually, I think Bush said the insurgents were "fighting vociferously." If only that were true, there'd be a lot fewer body bags. He really ought to stay away from the five-syllable words.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. That's even better! Thanks Pat. (Did the transcript report it that way?)

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Debate Goofs: How about his incessant clamoring for 30 more seconds, and upon receiving the time, staring blankly at the camera for a good 10 of those seconds?

Or referring to our country's battle against "a group of folks?" Well, heck, now I know why we can't find bin Laden. He's with a "group of folks." Tough people, that group of folks...

Gene Weingarten: That first one was my second favorite moment!

Honestly, it was the worst performance in a debate since Admiral Whatsizname.

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London, U.K.: Gene, I saw this article yesterday about vibrating trousers being used to treat angina, and thought the funniest part was that they mention the treatment originated 50 years ago in the U.S., and then at the end of the article they note that this region of England is noted for introducing new technologies.

What's next, antibiotics?

Gene Weingarten: It reminds me of a vibrating witch's broom that was briefly for sale as a toy for little girls on ebay. Just briefly.

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Gene Weingarten: In our super secret communications channel, Liz is accusing me of censoring the posts defending sloopy. I have seen no such posts.

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AAARGH!;: Now I have that stupid annoying repetitive song (Sloopy) stuck in my head!;

I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!;

Gene Weingarten: Do you mean this one, Lizzie girl?

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Puzzled in Pimmit Hills: Gene,

Can you tell us more about the Style Invitational entry mentioned by the Empress that grossed you out? By chance would it have something in common with the infamous mushroom soup incident in The Great Santini?

Gene Weingarten: This is a trick question and I will not answer it.

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Gene Weingarten: In our super secret channel of communication, Liz has just accused me of being "a huge big butt."

On that note I will waddle away from this here chat. See you all next week, when I promise the poll will be, if not easier, shorter.

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