Sure, I embraced BALCO. How could I not? Have you seen the sports columnist community lately? Mike Lupica -- bulked up. Mitch Albom writes a bestseller every three weeks about dead people. Stephen A. Smith barely could whisper his own name five years ago, much less shout it out every 15 minutes.
Heck, Kornheiser and Wilbon are so bloated from supplements, each of them had a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
| _____ Monday Morning_____
A look back at the weekend and a look ahead at the coming week's action with a fresh new edge.
• Norman Chad's Couch Slouch
• Starting Lineup
• The Chat: Actor Jay Baruchel from the boxing film "Million Dollar Baby"
• Two-Minute Drill
• 7 Days
_____ The Quote _____
"Three of my sons say there's no way they want me to come back, and one of them wants me to. But I think he just likes the buffets they have at the games. So we'll have to see."
-- Roger Clemens, who says he has not decided whether to return for another season with the Houston Astros. _____ The Monday Morning Poll _____
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So, to keep up, I started on a daily diet of anabolic steroids, pro-hormone nutritional injections, ephedrine, human growth hormone, diuretic agents, erythropoietin and Krispy Kremes.
Alas, I'm off the juice now. Which means I can no longer write -- well, maybe for USA Today. Thankfully, this is the time of year when everyone can use a little extra pocket change, so this week we present an emergency, expanded $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway:
Ask The Slouch
Q. Did you watch the Heisman Trophy presentation? Or did you take Timmy Chang out to dinner and a movie? (Allan Lane; Parkersburg, W. Va.)
A. One day, after Mr. Chang becomes the first man to throw a NFL touchdown pass and lead the U.S. colonization of Mars, you will realize how foolish you appear.
Q. When it's all said and done, do you think Curtis Martin will be the NFL's all-time leading rusher? (Don McNeill; Bellevue, Wash.)
A. When it's all said and done, we'll all be six feet under, lying in eternity next to the coaxial cable lines that ruined most of our lives.
Q. With the use of lasers, distances between planets can be calculated down to the centimeter. Yet football still measures forward progress by having three guys scurry about the field with two sticks and a chain. Why can't the NFL incorporate the same technology used at the checkout line of my grocery store? (Gerry Eggleston; Anchorage)
A. Actually, the chain gang harkens back to a kinder, gentler America, where boys could leave their bicycles unlocked on the front lawn and men could go to the racetrack without getting the third degree from some nagging, family-oriented spouse-type partner.
Q. Should the networks add a second NFL sideline reporter to give us complete coverage of both sidelines? (Wilbur Lazernik; Rockville)
A. On paper, this sounds like a good idea. But, in reality, due to the dearth of sideline reporters being produced by our nation's leading sideline-reporter schools, we don't have enough sideline-reporter bodies to fill all the sidelines.
Q. I know you are a bit biased here, but when did poker become a sport, why is poker part of ESPN's Top 10 plays and how did some fat guy who mumbles to himself with upside-down glasses and an iPod become highlight-worthy? (Jon Linkov; Bethel, Conn.)
A. I'm sorry, what exactly is the problem here?
