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Social Insecurity

By Art Buchwald
Thursday, March 24, 2005; Page C04

The buck stops here. Ask me any question.

Dear Buck :

Why does everyone make fun of me because I'm a baby boomer?

-- Hal Foxtrot

Dear Hal :

You and your ilk are the ones causing Social Security to go bankrupt. If you hadn't been born, there wouldn't be a crisis.

Dear Buck :

President Bush is traveling all over the country telling people they should have the chance to invest some of their retirement money in the stock market. I think it is a peachy idea. My only problem is, I don't know what stocks to invest in. I have a brother-in-law who is a whiz on Wall Street. Occasionally he makes a mistake.

A few years ago, he put me in Enron, claiming he got it from the horse's mouth -- Ken Lay. I tell you, I wasn't happy when the company went bankrupt.

My wife said blood is thicker than water, so I let her brother take what savings I had and put it in Adelphia. One day I picked up the paper and read that some members of the Rigas family, which controlled a majority of the stock, were found guilty of misusing the company's money and would go to jail.

My brother-in-law said that to make it up to me he would give me a solid tip on WorldCom. That worked out well and I was going to buy a home in Florida with the dividends when Bernie Ebbers, the CEO, was found guilty of fraud involving billions of dollars.

I told my wife, "We've lost everything because of your brother." And she said, "He'll make it up to us when President Bush gets his reform package through Congress."

Now this is my question: If I put my Social Security money in the market, and the bubble in the market bursts like it does every five years, why won't Bush let me sue somebody, anybody, in a class-action suit?

-- Walter the Whimperer

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