Oh, boy, did we love that story. We loved it so much we've been e-mailing it to each other all day. It said that while you were living with your lovely dental hygienist wife and two kids in "posh digs" in New Jersey, you also had a Manhattan "love nest" where you entertained not one but two mistresses.
God bless you, Bernie, you have more libido than the rest of the Bush Cabinet put together!
 
Friday's Question:
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The first alleged mistress is a prison guard, and, Bernie, we understand how a man's heart can go pitter-pat at the sight of a woman in uniform.
The second alleged mistress is "literary lioness" Judith Regan, the "stunningly attractive" head of ReganBooks, which published your memoir, "The Lost Son: A Life in Pursuit of Justice." Bernie, we love a hands-on publisher, particularly one who once told a Daily News gossip columnist: "I've had an amazing sex life, but I'm not perverted."
Washington is a conservative town, Bernie, so we're glad that your alleged mistress isn't perverted. And we're sad that all your alleged fun allegedly ended when your alleged prison guard mistress allegedly found a love note that your alleged publisher mistress allegedly left in your love nest.
But, Bernie, we're not sad that the Daily News has uncovered all this. The Daily News story made our day, even though it was so much fun that it spoiled the Newsweek story about you that also came out yesterday.
Newsweek told the story of how you'd once made $6 million "without investing a penny" by cashing in stock options in a company that sold stun guns to the government. Bernie, your stun-gun fun out-Hillaried Hillary!
Newsweek also mentioned that a New Jersey judge had once issued a warrant for your arrest for allegedly failing to pay $5,000 in condo fees, although the warrant was later withdrawn. We can identify, Bernie; we all hate paying condo fees.
Finally, Newsweek brought up that time you went to Iraq in 2003 to organize the Iraqi police but didn't spend much time organizing because you preferred chasing "bad guys" with a band of South African bodyguards. Bernie, we love a hands-on cop almost as much as we love a hands-on publisher.
Don't go, Bernie! Come back!
Bernie, we need you to liven up Washington. In fact, you already have: Now we learn that the Bush White House knew about the alleged mistresses and the alleged mob ties and didn't care. Who knew they were so liberal? Maybe it's their way of reaching out to Blue State voters.
Sure, the Homeland Security offer is no longer on the table. But don't worry. Just come here and be yourself. Bask in our love of your sheer entertainment value.
Bernie, love nests are cheaper here than in Manhattan. And if you need money, you can always put out a new, updated edition of your autobiography. Call it "The Lost Son: A Life in Pursuit of Justice . . . Among Other Things."
