How do you hold on and let go of your college-aged kids? Just like you did when they were toddlers, by learning how to navigate through the predictable stages of development at this important stage of their lives.
Education columnist and author Evelyn Vuko is joined by Karen Levin Coburn, assistant vice chancellor and associate dean for the Freshman Transition at Washington University at St. Louis.
They was online Tuesday, Aug. 17, at 2 p.m. ET to offer an inside view of college today and some practical tips on how to get through this emotionally-charged time in your family's life.
Evelyn Vuko
(washingtonpost.com)
|
|
Coburn is the author of "Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years."
Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.
_____________
Evelyn Vuko: Hello and welcome to the college years when parenting is like skateboarding--learning when to bear down and ease back to give kids the speed to get safely through the curls and land on the A. Welcome, please, Dr. Karen Levin Coburn, who has counseled thousands of families through the college years, so strap on your helmet and let's shove off...
Evelyn Vuko:
_______________________
Herndon, Va.:
Worry time: My sophomore at JMU won't be in a dorm this year, but off-campus in a nearly all-student apartment complex with three other males. Other than gnawing my fingernails to the bone, any suggestions?
Karen Levin Coburn: Have a talk with your son. Tell him what your concerned about and ask how he plans to handle things. For example," How are you going to make sure you have enough food in the apartment? How will you decide who pays for what? What will you do if your roommates turn out to be heavy drinkers? Where do you think you'll be able to study?" Just get him thinking and help him get into in a problem solving mode.
_______________________
Tulsa, Okla.:
Our daughter will be attending Washington University 6 hours by car from her home with us, her parents & 14 yr. old brother. She has been away from home every summer for two weeks at a time, and is looking forward to college. Should we encourage her to wait until Thanksgiving to come home to visit, or expect her as early as Sept.? Classes start Sept. 1 but she will be doing preorientation beginning Aug. 22.
Your book is a wonderful resource, if I hadn't loaned it out maybe I could look for the answer to this question in it! Thank you.
Karen Levin Coburn: Glad to hear that your daughter will be joining us here at Washington University. It's important for students to get connected to their new community on campus. Most of our students wait until Thanksigiving to go home, but if yoiur daughter decides she'd like to come home for a quick visit prior to that--home cooking and a little parental TLC are often welcome. Just take your cues from her.
Evelyn Vuko: I vote for waiting until Thanksgiving to have her visit home. In my experience, transitions from one level to another, be it from kindergarten to first grade or middle to high school, take about three months to smooth out. Staying the course for the next several months will also help increase her self-reliance and learn to seek resources close at hand; like experienced college counselors and teachers.
_______________________
Boston, Mass.:
My daughter left for college a week ago and I can't stop crying. She's trying to cut the chord, as she should, and I just can't seem to let go. I know she knows I'm upset and it's not helping her. Will this ever get better? What should I do?
Karen Levin Coburn: It IS hard when they finally leave, but it will get better! It's important that you let your daughter start her life in college without her being worried about you. It might help to talk to friends going through the same thing. Some parents have even thrown Letting Go parties--telling stories about their kids--including the war stories, and have found that the conversation soon turns to other topics. You might also try treating yourself to some special activities--perhaps some things you might not have done for yourself when she was at home.
_______________________
Greenbelt, Md.:
What concerns me most is getting a serious viral or bacterial disease, such as meningitis, etc. I understand that college students are most suseptible because of close living conditions. What can a student do to protect him or herself. Thanks.
Karen Levin Coburn: The health and wellness of students is important to those of us who work in universities. Student Health Services are no longer the afterthoughts they used to be in previous generations. Colleges and universities these days provide students with all kinds of programs that aim to teach them life long habits of health and well being. One of the most challenging health issues for college students is sleep. College students --especially freshmen--have a tendency to become nocturnal creatures. Talk to your child about the importance of getting enough sleep --and the most simple of all instructions--the importance of washing hands!
_______________________
Lincoln, Neb.:
My son is a sophomore in college and he still can't seem to make wise decisions. He insists that he can then proceeds to do exactly the wrong thing or hang around with the wrong people. He seems to just have an undeveloped sense of right and wrong. What can I do at this late stage to help him back on the right track?
Evelyn Vuko: A former student of mine is a graduate student and dorm counselor at a small college in Texas. He routinely counsels kids who have "an undeveloped sense of right and wrong." He is very involved in their decision-making processes, their academic habits and their social lives. He is thought of as a live-in older friend. As most colleges have some type of resident advisor in the dorms, why not consider contacting this person? Share insights and tips and offer to lend your support should a sticky situation arise with your son.
Karen Levin Coburn: It sounds as though your son may benefit from some counseling to gain insight into the gap between his intentions and his actions. You might try encouraging him to seek counseling at school to develop some strategies that will keep him out of trouble. Let him know you'd like to see him take control of his life, rather than have to react to the negative consequesnces of a judicial case or suspension. At this point he probably needs someone other than a parent to help him sort things out.
_______________________
Arlington, Va.:
For the parent of the sophomore who's going to be living off-campus:
Get him a web-cam and make him set it up to keep track of the general condition of the apartment. I'm not saying to spy on him. Just when Mom calls, she can make him turn it on and show her whether there's food in the fridge, whether there are beer cans littering the living room, etc.
Evelyn Vuko: The problem with web cams is that tehy only work between two people when both cameras are turned on. I'd suggest instead, some routine and unannounced visits. Soften the blow by bringing large quantities of food.
_______________________
Augusta, Maine:
How do you convince your college daughter to eat nutrition filled meals at least twice a day? The second part is how do they minimize the "college 20" pounds?
Evelyn Vuko: Send care packages! There are many nutritious (and delicious) supplements you can safely and regularly mail. Look for organic, protein and nutrient-rich snacks and meal supplement bars. There are even some on the market these days that are formulated especially for women, so try some of those. Secondly, if the college allows, buy her a small refrigerator for her room, then send her protein mixes and boxed soups, especially those made with miso (a fermented and nutritious soybean paste) that she can mix up and store to drink whenever her energy wanes. The more nutritious the snacks you send, the more satisfied she'll be and the less tempted she'll be on fattening junk. Care packages are probably the sweetest way a parent can hang on while letting go...
_______________________
Phoenix, Ariz.:
As a result of effective treatment and programs for learning disabled children, more and more are going on to college. Often they have accommodations. When one is faced with so many choices, how is one to determine which schools offer the best opportunity for support and success for the challenged college student?
Karen Levin Coburn: There are several guide books that provide information about schools' resources for students with learning disabilities. One such book is "eterson's Colleges with Programs for Students with Learning Disabilities or Attention Deficit Disorders "(2000)
As you examine specific schools, look at the web sites of the Office of Disability Services and follow up with questions to those offices. It's important for your son or daughter to take part in this exploration too.
_______________________
Maryland:
What are some basic tips that parents should give to their freshmen kids about the first year of college and living on their own with a roommate?
Karen Levin Coburn: At this time of the year incoming freshmen seem to have more anxiety about living with a roommate that just about anything else.A few tips may help:
Your roommate doesn't have to be your best friend.
Plan ahead about who will bring what to school. Students have so much electronic equipment these days, and residence hall rooms haven't gotten any bigger--so coordinating the set up of the room is important.
Don't make assumptions about your roommate ahead of time--based on geography,major, preferences in music,race or ethnicity. Part of the privilege of going to a residential college is the opportunity to live with and meet people different from yourself.
Bring headphones so you don't have to agree on what kind of music you'll be listening to, in case your taste is different.
Set some agreed upon groundrules early on--about quiet time, overnight guests and level of disorder and messiness you can tolerate.
Get to know other people during the first few weeks of school. No matter how much you like your roommate, you'll need to have a larger circle of friends.
If you do have conflicts with your roommate, seek some help from your resident advisor or dorm counselor before it gets out of hand.
If your roommate you are worried about your roommate's problems--psychological or health--don't try to handle it yourself. Once again, seek help from your residence advisor or the director of your residence hall.
_______________________
Paranoid in Virginia:
What advice should we give about safety, esp. if the child is going out of state? Also, are there resources at colleges for parents to not only get in touch with their kid but also know about what's going on at campus, crime reports, student resources, campus police, etc.?
Karen Levin Coburn: A few tips for parents about how to know what's going on at your child's distant campus:
Most college and university student newspapers publish on-line editions. They are not always filled with the most accurate reporting, but you can get an idea of campus issues and concerns.
Many schools now have parents web-sites and parent handbooks filled with information about campus events and resources. Keep a list of these resources handy. You can then refer your child to the proper resources, and you know whom to call if you have a concern
All colleges and universities are required to publish crime statistics. The Campus security/police office on your child's campus is the source to go to for this information.It's important to look at these statistics in context. Besides the statistics, you might find it helpful to get information about safety services such as :shuttle busses,campus escort programs , education programs about crime prevention, bicycle locks, emergency blue light phones, and police foot and bicycle patrols in the evening.
Advise your child to use these services. They are there for a reason!
_______________________
Rutherford, N.J.:
As the parent of four who left at different times to attend college I not only felt good about my child going to the next stage of their lives but I looked forward attending to some of the college weekends, parents weekend, homecoming, etc. and visiting with our child. As parents we also enjoyed the get away for ourselves but we didn't consistly stay with our college student. We got to see how and who their friends, roommates were and what goes on on the campus. You only see so much from orientations but the actual day to day stuff will open your eyes.
For a freshman student, who might have a tendency to get homesick, I made pre-printed address labels and distributed to all the family and friends so they could write and send stuff without any excuses.
Lastly, my gretest words to our kids were "I pay for four" and all of them graduated in 4 years.
Karen Levin Coburn: Wonderful tips and wise advice. Thank you.
_______________________
Washington, D.C.:
Am I wise to back-off and let my son take the lead in picking his college? He's a talented guy, should be in demand by all save the most-competitive - Ivies, Duke, etc. It seems his preference is Maryland U and despite my prodding, he's reluctant to do the background work, college visits and such required to make a choice. I hate being the 'over-involved' parent; I urge him to take the lead, but he's just letting things take their course without participating. What's relly best? How to get him more involved? I'd frankly be happy if he attended UM, but want him to know there are other schools out there.
Evelyn Vuko: Don't allow his lack of motivation keep him from experiencing his options--especially if he has the grades to support a wide range of choices. Take the lead, set up school visits and help him complete the paper work. He will feel much better about whatever college he choses if he has a basis of comparison. He owes it to himself, and to you, not to allow a fine school like UM to feel like a fall-back position.
_______________________
Chicago, Ill.:
My daughter just found out who her freshman roomate is going to be and she knows her--knows she's wild and was raised with no boundaries. I know this child, too, and though my daughter doesn't seem like this will be too much for her to handle, I am worried sick. What recourse do we have? Should I contact the college and see if they can reassign her another roomate?
Evelyn Vuko: First course of action is a serious conversation with your daughter about her impending living conditions. Sketch some worse-case scenarios for her and discuss together now how she will handle each situation, for example, a roommate with a drinking problem. Are counselors and support groups available on campus? Should she enlist the help of other students or friends in the same dorm? Should she try to counsel her roommate herself? Discuss, research and make some comfortable compromises about a variety of approaches before she begins living with this roommate. This kind of activity allows you both to roll-play a variety of situations and identify resources available, long before any such situation arises. It's not only boy scouts who need to be prepared.
_______________________
Karen Levin Coburn: Thank you for all of your stimulating questions.
My best wishes to all parents who are sending a student off to college. I hope you enjoy watching the young person you have nurtured all these years discover new worlds and possibilities. If you would like to see some more tips and information about college life today, look at the website: Lettinggobook.com
_______________________
Evelyn Vuko: Thanks so much for taking the time to join us today. As you can see, there are practical ways families can help even big college kids make wise choices and good decisions though they no longer live under the same roof. Thanks, Dr. Coburn for joining us and sharing your experience. The next Teacher Says chat is Tuesday, August 31, 2:00 EST, about how to help kids get organized for school work and homework.
_______________________
