Dating

Inspired by one of the most hilarious and popular episodes from the hit show "Sex and the City" -when Miranda's male friend bluntly tells her why her love interest isn't calling her back- authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo tell women how it really is in their new book "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment/Simon & Schuster: Sept. 1, 2004).

The transcript follows.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Washington, D.C.: Met a guy last fall in the midst of a divorce. We became very good friends and, after a few months, transitioned into more. We were both leery, but I figured that I could give him the space he needed to heal and he figured he could work through his Ex issues with me in his life.

Over the summer, his emotional unavailability became more apparent and we agreed that we would maintain our friendship, without closing the door on future possibilities, while he fully commits himself to counseling.

Here's my problem. He has told me, however undesirable the prospect, that he would be supportive if I met another man who was emotionally stable enough to commit to a relationship in the present. Nevertheless, I STILL feel like he and I are dating. We are together almost everyday and do everything from making dinner to shopping for furniture. And then there is that occasional backslide….

Is he not committing because he just isn't that into me? I have never had better communication or emotional closeness in a relationship. Am I not reading in-between the lines?

Liz Tuccillo: Greg: Your communication is really good. It's so good he's actually communicated to you that he's willing for you to see someone else. My belief is that he's just not that into you.

Liz: Something I learned writing the book, is that the guy who's just not up for it, and the guy's who's just not into you, is pretty much the same guy. He might have real feelings for you, but the result is the same -- he doesn't want to be with you.

Greg: There's never any harm in moving on with your life. Don't let this guy park in your boyfriend space.

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Washington, D.C.: I am a successful, attractive, 28-year old and I'm perpetually single. In fact, I only go on dates when I need to. Although I haven't read your book yet (it's being passed around our office), I saw both of you on the Oprah Winfrey show and you basically changed my life. Thank you! Since the age of 14, I have relentlessly let myself fall into the trap of falling madly for my best male friends. For me, it seems that I can't be intimate without a solid friendship. So I become friends with a guy, then develop feelings for them and this inevitably ruins things because...they're just not that into me.

I recognized this pattern about 3 years ago and have been working to amend this, but it's very hard. So now I know when they're not that into me...but can you tell me what guys want when it comes to friendship with a girl? I don't want to cross the line again and ruin things.

Liz Tuccillo: Greg: It's very simple -- if a guy friend of yours is into you, he'll start making out with you!

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Washington, D.C.: OK, so I went out with a girlffriend who brought along an interesting guyfriend. He seemed interested in me and my instincts were confirmed when my girlfriend followed up with me saying he wanted to be in touch with me and gave me his email address. I sent a brief and casual message that did not include my phone number. He responded VERY casually and included his phone number, which I found curious, since the tone of the message did not fit with my girlfriend's assessment that dude was dying to hear from me. However, I assumed a friendship was budding, if nothing else, and responded, including my phone number, fully expecting to not get a phone call. Dude calls same night. We talk for hours (only getting off the phone at my insistence), laughing and enjoying each other (I thought, since he was loathe to end the conversation), but when we got off the phone, I did note that guy did not ask me out for a date and in my experience when a man is interested, he wants to get out with you and spend some time. That was a week and I have yet to get another email or phone call from this fella. OK, I know -- and have accepted -- he's just not that into me, but what I really found telling was how ALL of my girlfriends refused to accept he's just not that into me, based on the fact that he talked to me for hours on the phone. Reasons they've offered up: he's not ready for a relationship, he didn't want to seem desperate (why would it be desperate to contact a woman you were interested in???), he's extremely busy (too busy for me?! why would I want a man who is too busy for me??) -- and a whole host of reasons that all sum up to the same thing --he's just not that into me!! While listening to them go on and on, I realized how right you were about women making excuses about situations that are very obviously "just not that into you" cases. Interesting. Your thoughts?

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: Your friends are the reason we wrote this book. Tell them he's just not that into you and make them help you move on!

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Baltimore, Md.: When are you "dating" someone? For about six months now I've been chatting with this guy everyday, all day during and after work (we work for the same company, different cities), we talk on the weekends, and about once a month when we are in the same city for a week, we are together 24-7. However, he still talks about other girls and about meeting other people. He know's I'd commit in a minute, why won't he?

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: He's Just Not That Into You. He's so not into you that he's telling you about other women? Why would you want to be involved with something like that? Why would you let someone minimalize you like that! It's not worth it! A guy who is into you does not talk about dating other women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Washington, D.C.: Read the book and enjoyed it. However, why do guys assume that we'll be upset if they just don't say anything and go away? They feel they have to say they will call even if they KNOW they're not going to. When you first start seeing someone if they are like "that was nice" and leave it at that, then it's justifiable that they might not call. It's when they add "I'll call you soon" that makes the wheels start turning. Especially when the relationship is new, no hard feelings when you decide not to follow through, as long as you don't make it seem that you want to continue. It is better to be vague then to say you'll do something, THAT is what causes the drama and wondering with women. We are MORE upset when you say you will call and don't, than when you don't say anything at all. How come guys don't see that?

Liz Tuccillo: Liz: As someone out there dating, I just assume that what is said in the last three seconds of a date can not be held up in court, and the only thing that is telling is if they indeed do call again. and I leave it at that.

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Raleigh, N.C.: Why don't men think of marriage in the same terms as women do (a natural next step)? Why can men "take it" or "leave it"? Seems like a lonely sort of life to me...

Liz Tuccillo: Greg: You can't take it or leave it when you are in love with someone.

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Richmond, Va.: I met a fantastic guy this summer. We worked together for 5 weeks and really hit it off. He would say the same. The problem? Our work has taken us far apart (15 hour drive), and we have lost touch. Since we are in the same profession, I can attest to the fact my work week (and his) is 70 hours and very demanding. I understand that time is at a premium and stress is at a high, but I can't help but feel a deep sense of loss because we have not kept in touch. Is there anything I can do? I don't want to be the email stalker, but I also know that I am more communicative than him. When is too much email just too much? FYI, we are on a email-every three weeks or so routine...

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: Every three weeks? He's just not that into you -- when I like you I want to communicate with you as much as possible, and then I want to see you as often as I can. Fifteen hours is a lot, but I have a friend in LA who married a girl he met in Prague.

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Washington, D.C.: Hello and thanks for taking my question! My situation goes as follows: I've been dating this man for about 4 months now, and a couple of weeks ago, we had a huge fight, and in the end we agreed that we were heading too fast toward a "serious" relationship -- something neither of us really want, but I'm at least open to the possibility of it happening. Now, from my understanding, we have a casual-sex type relationship, with no expectations for more. But now he'll often ask to spend time with me (outside of the bedroom) and on more than one occasion, I've caught him looking at me in a really sweet way that makes me think he's about to say something significant (i.e. "I love you"). What's the deal with his cold/hot routine? How should I take his mixed signals of how serious we can/will be? I'm trying my best to not get emotionally tied to him, but his appearance of wanting more, is making me confused. Should I just bail now while my heart is in-tact? or does his behavior show that he really does want more? Thanks!

Liz Tuccillo: Liz: First you have to be honest with what you want -- you say first that you don't want a serious relationship, but then you indicate that you might be falling in love with him.

Greg: A look is miles away from him actually saying how he feels and committing to you. No harm comes from cutting him loose and moving on. He knows where to find you.

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Frederick, Md.: I recently had a mutual breakup with a semi-serious boyfriend. Since the breakup, I've given him reason to believe I would get back together with him. He was initially distant, but is now being unexpectedly friendly - randomly calling so we can have short, silly conversations, emailing me from work, sending me links to articles he thinks I would enjoy, etc., although he has not yet mentioned us seeing each other again, as friends or otherwise. Does he want to get back together, or rekindle a friendship we never really had, or is he just messing with me? I feel like I can't approach him, because (theoretically) he knows what I want. I do want to get back together with him, but as a 28-year-old successful career woman, I feel like I shouldn't be passively sitting around and waiting for him to make up his mind - I just don't want to hound him and ruin any chance we have at friendship. Is he just not that into me?

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: This isn't difficult. Ask for what you want. If you want to get back together with him, say so, and if he isn't interested, or gives some excuse, move on. I'm sure you have lots of other friends.

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Minneapolis, Minnesota: Hi Liz and Greg,

I'm newly dating (two months) a guy who travels every week for work. He is very attentive and sweet when we're together but during the week, when he's traveling, he rarely calls and sends very brief emails. What's up with that? Is he not into me? Or is he just being a typical, incommunicative guy?

How can I get him to commmunicate better with me during the week?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: Here's how: ask him. Sometimes in life we have to ask for what we want. If he doesn't want to give it to you, then move on, He's Just Not That Into You.

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New York City: So this is kind of a reversal. My girlfriend of about a year broke up with me and said that it was getting too intense and said that she didn't think she could love me enough, despite her actions to the contrary. Then she said that she loved me but wasnt in love with me which I take to mean the passion is gone and she doesnt get excited anymore when she sees me. My question is how can something be too intense for someone, but that person isn't in love with someone?

Liz Tuccillo: Greg: It's all just variations on the theme of "I don't want to be with you anymore." No need to try and figure it out, the result is clear. Move on brother!

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Bethesda, Md.: Three months into a relationship - I am still looking for signs that he cares about me. I firmly believe that if he did, he would find a way to make that clear by now. I have left many relationships based on that expectation, which I recognize is based on a fear of rejection. Looking back at age 30, I can't help thinking that I may have left some of those too soon and I should somehow try to make this work - since I do like him a lot. Is it unreasonable to expect a guy to make his feelings clear and prioritize his relationship by three months?

Liz Tuccillo: Greg: All I know is that you didn't leave those relationships too soon because I didn't hear about those guys begging you to come back.

Liz: We don't know what kind of expectations you have after three months, but if it's simply feeling like the guy you're with is really excited about you, then that is a reasonable desire.

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Alexandria, Va.: Your book has been like a lightbulb going off in my head! It's explained so much, but I'm afraid of painting all guys with the same brush. Is it really that simple? (cause if it is, my life has gotten so much easier!!!)

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: Good news -- your life has just gotten that much easier. It is that simple, and if it ever gets more complicated than that, chances are the guy just isn't that into you.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Greg and Liz!

Here's a situation/question I'm sure many women go through and ponder:

Say you're dating this guy for a while, say 2+ months. Good company was kept, and there was possibility of more. Then the calls stop and he disappears. That's fine, and you get over it. And then MONTHS (in my case, 5) later he resurfaces with a "Hey, I was just thinking about you... How've you been?" call.

What's the deal with that? What's going through his head?

And a follow up: Is it impolite to call him out and say, 'So why are you calling?'

Thanks very much!

Liz Tuccillo: Greg: You have to decide if 5 months is okay with you. My theory is that he was on to other things, they didn't work out, and now he's back. If he called apologizing for the lack of communication and was begging to have coffee with you, I'd possibly consider giving him a second chance.

Liz: Why not ask him what's going on? No need to pretend you haven't heard from him in five months!

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Washington, D.C.: When is your publisher going to have more books in the stores? Washington, D.C. is completely sold out at this point. How much longer do we have to wait?

Liz Tuccillo: I don't know, but they promised us soon! It's very upsetting to us all well! We're very sorry!

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Washington, D.C. : WHY WHY WHY!? Do guys tell you their 'real feelings' when they are so drunk that you can't even really make out what they are saying and then when you say, "what?" They get all mad and say, "you just don't understand" and stumble to the bed and pass out. Drives me NUTS!

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: The only "why" you have to ask yourself is why you are hanging out with such bad guys!!! Good guys tell you how they feel when they are sober!!!!!!

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Takoma Park, Md.: I broke up with this guy last summer. I have since contacted him by email to rekindle our relationship. He lives out of state. He told me that he has thought of me. I have been the one sending the emails no phone calls. He responds to all my emails. However, he never iniates contact. Last week I stopped sending him emails. A week later he sends me a email without a subject line that included a political joke ...Is trying to keep in touch? He did this once before after I iniated contact and he responded back and I did not respond immediately. What do you think?

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: Stop the email game -- if you want to be with him tell him, see what he says, if it's not to your satisfaction, move on.

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Washington, D.C.: Does your advice apply any differently to a divorced man? Should he be cut more slack because he may be skiddish about exposing his feelings to injury? Or should he be expected to have a better understanding of a woman's needs and what it takes to make a relationship work?

Liz Tuccillo: Greg and Liz: If he's back in the dating game, then he has to play by all the rules we all have to play by. If he's not up for it, then he shouldn't be seeing anyone. And this could very well mask the real fact that he's just not that into you.

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Washington, D.C.: I've been dating a guy for a couple of years and at times he is very distant and emotionally unavailable atleast until I begin to back off and stop calling and being available, then he's back to pursuing me hot and heavy, sucks me back in and the process starts all over. I can get with the fact that he's probably not that into me but then why not just leave me alone and let me be? What's up with that?

Liz Tuccillo: Liz: Who cares. Why spend the time trying to figure him out? Who cares who cares. He's boring. Your future is exciting.

Greg: When I fell in love with my wife, I loved her all the time, and she didn't need to be all cold and distant to get my attention.

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Liz Tuccillo: To all our readers out there, you can always buy our book online, at any one of the fine dot.coms. We are very very very sorry that books have been difficult to find.

Liz and Greg

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Capitol Hill, D.C.: I'm married now, but it has been my experience that men are really very simple creatures. the mistake women make is trying to "read between the lines" or "interpret" every single thing men do in order to get the response they want/need. the fact of the matter is, most men will TELL you what they are capable of giving (which is whether or not they are into you). the first poster's problem is she's hanging on AFTER he's told her what she refuses to accept, which is to move on. Agree or disagree?

Liz Tuccillo: agreed!

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Liz Tuccillo: We have to go now, but we want to thank you all, and we're sorry we couldn't answer all your questions.

Again, dot.com shopping sites have the book, so you can always order there.

Thanks so much for your time!

Greg and Liz

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