Election Uncoverage, From the Wheel Deal to the Abstinent Voter

(Eric Draper -- The White House Via Ap)

You think you're pretty informed about this election, don't you? Well, you're wrong.

Sure, you watched the debates and you've devoured 8,394 newspaper stories about the campaign. But have you read Bicycling magazine's analysis of Bush and Kerry's biking styles? Have you studied Runner's World's comparison of the candidates' exercise regimens? Or Stuff magazine's debate about Kerry's hair? Did you check out the special "Politics Issue" of Tricycle, the Buddhist Review? Did you pick up the Christian magazine Charisma to find out which candidate God has chosen?

No, you haven't. But we have.

The staff of the Magazine Reader has spent weeks slogging through the political coverage in dozens of magazines that don't usually do political coverage -- and perhaps shouldn't have started now. That's why our eyes are bleary, our brains have turned to mush and drool is dribbling off our chins.

We read this stuff so you don't have to, folks, and here's what we found:

Vibe, the hip-hop magazine, published "The Ultimate Election Guide," and illustrated it with a hideous close-up photo of the mouth of some knucklehead whose teeth spell out "VOTE 2004" in gold and diamonds. Yuck! It's enough to scare you away from the polls, except that Vibe also quotes comedian Wanda Sykes, who reveals why you should vote: "Men who vote have bigger penises, and women who vote lose 20 pounds."

"Suddenly, even miraculously, it's hip to care about politics," reports Spin, the rock magazine, which published a handy guide that reveals which pop stars have endorsed which candidates: Britney Spears, Kid Rock, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Wayne Newton and Billy Ray Cyrus have come out for Bush. Willie Nelson, Ozzy Osbourne, Justin Timberlake, Missy Elliott and Madonna have endorsed Kerry.

If you love both Britney and Ozzy, you're just going to have to decide for yourself.

"Voting is a lot like sex," proclaims the cover of Reason, the libertarian magazine. "Find out why on Page 24." Okay, we're suckers so we turned to Page 24 to learn Reason's reason: "Because it takes place every four years in the solitude of a semi-private booth." Also this: "Both often involve drug-and-alcohol-fueled delusions and morning-after feelings of guilt, shame and recrimination."

Bicycling magazine analyzed photos of Bush and Kerry riding bikes and reached several profound conclusions: Bush leans too far forward and keeps his arms too rigid. And Kerry's helmet isn't strapped tight enough. The verdict: "Too close to call. Bush is more aggressive, but we don't like his fit foibles. Kerry is technically correct but lacks zip."

Runner's World found that the candidates' exercise habits speak volumes about their character. Bush used to run six times a week, which showed "commitment, determination and clarity of vision." But he kept running even after he severely injured his knee, which "suggests he can be intransigent and single-minded." Kerry runs, cycles, snowboards, windsurfs and plays hockey, which "indicates vitality, open-mindedness, versatility" but also "shows he can be indecisive."

Field & Stream interviewed the candidates and revealed that both men enjoy killing animals. "I love to quail hunt," said Bush. "I'm not a very good shot -- I'd be the first to admit it. But I like to be outdoors." The president also likes fishing but his policy toward fish is uncharacteristically liberal: "I'm a catch-and-release person."

Kerry told Field & Stream that he has hunted woodchucks, birds, rabbits and deer. The biggest deer he's bagged was "probably an 8-pointer," he says, but when he faced more formidable quarry, he couldn't bring it down: "I once had an incredible encounter with the most enormous buck -- I don't know, 16 points or something. It was just huge. And I failed to pull the trigger at the right moment."

October's Mad magazine delivered a scathing satire: "The Bush Campaign's TV Commercial if He Was Running Against Jesus." The mock ad takes some of Jesus's most famous quotes, then adds Karl Rove-style spin: "Jesus of Nazareth says, 'Judge not, that you be not judged.' Jesus is soft on crime. Jesus of Nazareth says, 'Render therefore unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's.' Jesus will raise your taxes."