Chatological Humor* (Updated 12.23.04)

We All Heart Gene

Gene Weingarten (Richard Thompson - The Washington Post)

*Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This week's poll.

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

Last week we began with the longest intro in this chat's history. Today, we aim for the shortest. I don't want any of you folks to feel at all guilty, and I certainly don't want LIZ to feel at all guilty about the fact that she is compelling me to do this chat while I am in extreme pain, having succumbed to my biannual back-goes-out thing. I shall explain more in my answer to Question One.

Liz, don't feel bad. I am doing this only because you pay me so poorly I need the money for Christmas gifts for my loving family, who will demonstrate their love and affection for me in the answer to Question One.

Today's poll is getting interesting results, already. Please take it. As always, I will explain the correct answers midway through the chat, unless I have fainted.

Liz, I implore you, don't feel bad about this. I know how important it is for EVERY SINGLE CHAT to occur on TIME, or else, GOD FORBID THE WORLD SHOULD END.

Our first week for daily-updated chat archives worked well, so we will continue. It means I will append two or three questions and answers each day, through the rest of the week.

The Comic Pick of the Week is whichever one Liz has linked to below, and the runners up are as listed. I would be more specific except for the fact that I am in such terrible pain that I can't recall my picks, which I conveyed to Liz about ten minutes ago.

Okay, let's go.

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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week:
Mother Goose and Grimm, (Dec. 14)

Runners-Up:
Speed Bump, (Dec. 20)
Out of the Gene Pool, (Dec. 18)

This Week's Poll.

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Contest!: So, I remember you saying in the past that you and Dave Barry have Thanksgiving together every year. That seems like the most fun Thanksgiving ever. So I would like to propose a contest: have anyone who's interested submit their name (perhaps an essay?), choose one, and let them come eat dinner with you. And since it was my idea, I think next year it should be me, because I heart Gene. (I'm a female in my early 20s, if that helps.)

If not, does the Post do something for people who finish all the crosswords? My roommmates and I have been on a roll the past couple of weekends and I think we should get some kind of prize.

Gene Weingarten: It's an interesting idea. I'll consider it.

But for the moment, I would like to address the remarkable phenomenon of twentysomething women who claim to heart me. I am deeply flattered by their hearting, but, sadly, I believe I can put an end to it once and for all. Please, lovely twentysomethings, listen up:

I am currently seated in front of a laptop at my dining room table. I have not showered in three days or shaved in four. As I am typing this, I have asked my wife to eyeball me and tell me what I remind her of. She is thinking.

I am wearing a ratty bathrobe. I have a heating pad on my back. My hair resembles what a marsupial -- one not prized for its pelt -- would look like after scrambling through a sewage drainpipe. When, inevitably, I will have to walk to the bathroom, I will do so in the gait of Igor the Hunchback.

Ah, my wife has come up with an analogy. She is a lawyer:

"You look exactly like the people I used to see in court, being arraigned for sleeping in public."

Okay, twentysomethings?

Gene Weingarten: My son, Dan, has just walked by. I asked him what I look like and he said: "Current man is homo erectus, right? Well, you look like the one before that, whatever it's called."

Gene Weingarten: My wife just walked by and pointed out that my fly is open.

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washingtonpost.com: Apparently extreme pain doesn't affect one's ability to complain... or type. Can we get him another 500 mgs?

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Ellicott City, Md.: Tom Toles' Bush. Is he supposed to look like a donkey or what?

washingtonpost.com: Toles, (Dec. 21)

Gene Weingarten: Bush must be a hugely difficult man to caricature, because almost no one seems to have got it down pat, including Pat (Oliphant). I think it is because he is essentially a generic handsome face, so there is nothing to exaggerate, which is what caricaturing basically is. People try to capture that little lip sneer, and promiment ears, but it doesn't work so great.

I think the best Bush caricature is done by Eric Shansby, 19, who illustrates my column. Check it out.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Stop! I Can't Stanza It, (Post Magazine, Dec. 19)

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New York, N.Y.: What can I do to stifle my cries of anguish at work? My officemates are starting to complain. How do you keep morale up at the Post?

Gene Weingarten: By keeping people interested. Every so often I see to it that there is a hostage situation within a block of the Post building.

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Washington, D.C.: Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?

He wanted to beat the crowd.

Gene Weingarten: Good.

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Alexandria, Va.: In a Washington Post article today, self-proclaimed humorist -- Bruce Stockler -- is quoted as saying "Humorists are liars" in explanation for his article claiming to have been rejected multiple times by the Washington Post OpEd page. But it is literary convention that the fool is the only one who speaks the truth. (See all of Shakespeare.) And modern day humorists are often the only people who can call it like it is a speak frankly on controversial issues of the day (race/religion/politics). I find this to be a fundamental part of humor -- we laugh at the truth of our foibles and fears and at the absurd realities of life. But I also realize that humor often invovles exaggeration. What is your take? Are humorists liars? Are they truth tellers?

washingtonpost.com: Rejected Writer Made It All Up, (Post, Dec. 16)

Gene Weingarten: This is a good question, and one I have to deal with all the time.

Most humor is ultimately about recognizing a hilarious truth: how silly/ironic is the human condition. Virtually everything you write is going to be reflective of that. So all of your humor is proceeding, ultimately, from truth.

How do you make it funny? Pretty much the same way that a caricaturist makes his caricatures funny (do you see how holistic this chat is?) - through exaggeration. When you see a caricature of John Kerry, with his face as long and dour as a horse's face, you recognize the funny truth about what he really looks like. Same with written humor. If I write that, in attempting to use a straight razor, I have ‘fileted my tenderloin,' you understand that I do not literally mean that I have carved into my face and removed bone. You understand that I butchered myself, shaving.

The key to this working, though, is your understanding when I am exaggerating and when I am not. I need to have established a baseline for truth. For example, you need to understand that when I tell you that I am shaving with a straight razor, I am in fact shaving with a straight razor. Because if I made THAT up, then why is anything else I am saying about my experience funny? There is - or should be-- a basic covenant of truth between reader and writer. Unless I screw up mightily, you should never have any doubt in my columns about what is true and what is fanciful. If you're not sure, it is safe to assume it is true. (Ex: When I claim I have phoned someone, and here is a text of what was said, you can rest assured I phoned that person, and they said what I said they said.)

In the case in question, this guy made EVERYTHING up. His original column was pretty funny, but only because you had to believe that the Post was such a monolithic, robotic megacorporation that it would keep answering, MONTH AFTER MONTH, with a sterile form letter. So his column seemed like a rather delightful comeuppance. In fact, it was pure crap.

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Alexandria, Va.: Gene,

I bought your book about being a Hypochondriac. Unfortunately for you, I bought it on half.com used, so you have not made any money off of it. Sorry.

Gene Weingarten: I wouldn't have made any money off it if you bought 1,000 copies from Amazon. You don't know the book biz, do you?

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Washington D.C.: Hi Gene - Two weeks ago you wrote that one of the most dangerous things you've ever done was to shoot heroin when you were 17-20 years old. We're you joking? If not, you can't just let that one pass. Tell us more please. How did you start? WHY did you start? Did you use it enough to become addicted and if so, how did you kick it? I'm about your age and I, too, have recreationally experienced just about every one of the commonly-used controlled substances except heroin. Details, please.

Gene Weingarten: I was not joking. I used it because 1) it was 1969 and 2) I was at NYU. Honestly, I don't want to give details because I don't want any kid to misconstrue anything I say as being an endorsement of serious drug use. I was never addicted, but it almost killed me. And how that happened is in the Hypochondria book. Buy 1,000 copies.

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On Way to Funeral Parlor: I am posting early as I will not be unable to attend today's chat. Unfortunately, there was a tragedy and I, sad to say, have to attend the funerals of four young children who were struck down in a horrific accident. This is a sad day for all, and we hope our community can gather the strength to overcome our grief. Please keep us all in your prayers.

DO YOU YAHOO?

Gene Weingarten: Okay, you made me laugh. It was hard, today, but you did it.

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Alexandria, Va.: Hi Gene! I'm posting early because I have a job.

In the chats I regularly read, the "washingtonpost.com" person is always an irrelevent sidenote. I think that Liz described her job as "link monkey" a few weeks back, and I'm inclined to agree -- but not for your chat!

Why does Liz exist as a person in your chat? Is it because you work better with a comic foil, as with Gina or the person on the other end of your crank calls? Is it your intense respect for women and desire to promote them above the status of an object, which too many of us guys see women as? Or is it just so that you can give her cool and cruel nicknames like "the pantsless one" and "wormlegs squirmypants?"

washingtonpost.com: I don't think those monikers are "cruel." I think Gene's much more derisive of himself (except in matters of culinary taste in which he is sorely misled) than of others.

Gene Weingarten: I use Liz's comments because she is funnier than I am, so it is value-added. Also, um, because of all that feminism stuff.

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washingtonpost.com: This Week's Poll

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Tucson, Ariz.: After giving it much thought I've determined you've enmeshed yourself in a manhood-depleting web by switching to a straight razor. The reason you switched was an attempt to prove your manliness to Jef Mallet, who uses one, which by schoolyard rules makes you a weenie. At least Mallet had legitimate reasons other than one-up-manship for switching to the straight razor. You, you're a wannabe. Now you're stuck: you can't retreat-tail between your legs-and switch back to a less-lethal shaving implement, nor can you continue to use the strop-and-razor because everyone knows it's just a pathetic attempt to gain unwarranted macho credibility. You're only choice is to abandon shaving and grow a beard, which is also a form of defeat but less odious than your other options.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Scared Straight, (Post Magazine, Dec. 5)

Gene Weingarten: Alas, that strategy would be doomed to an even more emasculating fate. I once HAD a beard. I liked it. The rib did not. I think most of you guys know what happens, fairly quickly, in a situation like that.

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Boston, Mass.: Hi Gene,
You seem to be knowledgable on arcane historical matters, so I wanted to ask you about something that's been bothering me. I've heard that during World War II people who were especially good at crossword puzzles were recruited to help decrypt intercepted Japanese messages. Is this true, or is it a historical urban legend? If true, should the CIA be recruiting my grandmother to do battle in the war against terror?

Gene Weingarten: This is true. The Brits did it, and I think Americans, too. They sought mathematicians and crossword puzzle experts, and others. In Britain they worked at the secret service, someplace called Bletchley Park.

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Re: Back pain: Don't take Aleve, whatever you do. According to today's news, it has joined the list of Formerly Wonderful Things That We Now Think Will Kill You.

Stick to gin; it'll never disappoint you.

Gene Weingarten: True fact: I was on Vioxx for a year. Then, after the Vioxx withdrawal, the doctor switched me to Celebrex. Alleve was next.

I am inclined to stay on Celebrex unless it is yanked. Everything is dangerous, to one degree or another. And knee arthritis hurts.

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Washington, D.C.: Homo erectus is one of our ancestral species. We are currently Homo sapiens.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, then I guess he was calling me homo erectus.

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Frederick, Md.: Merry Christmas to all and remember; Jesus is the reason for the season!

washingtonpost.com: Thanks Mr. President!

Gene Weingarten: Um, actually, I think the reason for the season is that Dec. 25 was arbitrarily chosen as Jesus' birthday in the second centurey by the nascent Catholic Church, which -- in a successful play for conversions -- timed the holiday to existing pagan seasonal celebration. I don't believe there is good Biblical evidence for his actual birthday.

Pretty sure I'm right, there. Feel free to gang up on me if I am not.

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FedEx Field: The Redskins actually have a not-completely-crazy chance of making the playoffs. Is this funny or pathetic?

Gene Weingarten: Both. The Giants--possibly the worst team in pro football -- are still in it, too.

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Vienna, Va.: Hi Gene,

I have an entry for your "commercials that are totally fake" file. IT's a TV commercial for Metamucil that features "The Regulars." They are three guys who meet at the restroom at work each day to go poop! They all greet each other and then go into the three adjoining stalls. It's such a sickening premise that I can't even watch it.

I'm a female, so maybe that explains my sickened reaction?

Gene Weingarten: You have got to be kidding. Anyone else see this?

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Rubber Duc, KY: I will accept your assertion that you are THE ultimate arbiter on humor... my question has to do with your opinion related to a person's humor potential. The person in question is my daughter.

My daughter is 20 months old and she loves bath time... splashes water everywhere, she has a ball. Well, you know how little rubber duckies have a hole in the bottom? My daughter has figured out that if she uses a little bit of force when pressing the ducky to her tummy with the hole against her skin it makes a damn good fart sound.

Now, being a man I obviously love when she does this because it cracks me the hell up. But the thing that really makes me laugh is that she never gets tired of it, each time she does it she laughs harder than the previous time. I thought it might be because she was playing off my laughter but that's not the case (I tested).

Do you think this is an accurate indicator of the sense of humor she will develop?

Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I do. Congratulations.

When Dan was in preschool at two, he never napped. He used to toddle around his class at naptime, switching pacifiers from one crib to another. The parents went crazy.

Here is my favorite Dan-as-a-baby story: One day when we came to pick him up at preschool, the teacher, Lydia, could barely contain herself. She reported, giggling, the following.

Lydia had chewed Dan out for something (possibly the pacifier misdeed, though he had other malfeasances as well). Dan listened as she outlined his violation of proper conduct, explained why this was inappropriate, how disappointed she was in him, etc. Dan took this all in, and when she was finished, he said: "You're so pretty."

I believe this basically summarizes 10,000 years of male-female relationships.

Anyway, yes, your little girl is set for life. Good sense of humor.

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Friggin Freezing in New York: Gene:

A few chats ago someone asked you what the dumbest thing you ever did was. So what's the smartest thing you ever did (and let's avoid easy cop-outs like "marrying my wife" or "having kids")?

Gene Weingarten: Hm. Okay, with that caveat aside, it was probably phoning Dave Barry one day in 1982 and telling him I thought he had talent and would he like to write for me.

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Arlington, Pa.: I remember years ago a demonstrator came up to me and shouted "question authority." I responded "what gives you the authority to tell me to question authority?" In his confusion I was able to slip away. You know, in retrospect, I always questioned whether I should have done that without being told to do it first.

Gene Weingarten: I always felt the best comment to that t-shirt was "Why?"

But yours is better.

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Arlington, Va.: Woah! Did you see "Mother Goose and Grimm" Thursday? There really is something about your chat. Do you have psychic powers?

washingtonpost.com: Mother Goose & Grimm, (Dec. 16)

Gene Weingarten: There was another example of Twilight Zone eeriness last week. Remember our elaborate discussion last week of whether horned reindeers are female? Check out the comic below, which ran this week.

washingtonpost.com: Pirhana Club, (Dec. 20)

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Snowy, Conn.: Following up on last week's Six Chix observation: is it me or is the guy in the 4th panel of this "For Better or for Worse" just there to look at Becky's rear? (He doesn't appear to be Amish though.)

Lynn Johnston's had a number of strips that were overtly about April and/or Becky wearing skirts that are too short, but this seems amazingly subtle.

Gene Weingarten: I didn't think so when I first saw it, but I think you are right. The clincher are the little wiggle marks around Beck's butt.

Lynn Jonnston would deny it. It would be a plausible denial.

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Alexandria, Va.: Last week, a chatter, Molly, and yourself all agreed that "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo" is the funniest Christmas song. While that's a good choice, and not surprising with your sense of humor, I'd like to make another submission, also from South Park: "Lonely Jew on Christmas"

Sample lyrics:
"It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas.
My friends won't let me join in any games.
And I can't sing Christmas songs
Or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph
`Cause there's something wrong with me.
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity."
"I'm a Jew,
A lonely Jew
I can't be merry
`Cause I'm Hebrew
On Christmas."

(Full lyrics)

I think this song is hilarious. I, however, am not Jewish, and was wondering if you'd like to opine.

Gene Weingarten: This does not hold a candle to Mr. Hankey. I would link to Mr. Hankey's lyrics, but after checking them out I decided that I like Chatwoman too much to deliberately induce a coronary.

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Nashua, N.H.: Gene,

What are your feelings on tomato sauce? It's a strong flavor that dominates pasta dishes, but it should because pasta is mostly flavorless. What about something like chicken parmesan, where there is something tasty in there? Is it forbidden to overwhelm them with pasta sauce? Just curious.

Re: hot dogs -- hold the mustard, but sauerkraut and onion is perfect.

Gene Weingarten: I like tomato sauce, well prepared, but only where it is intended to overwhelm the food. A good example of a bad use of tomato sauce is when it is put on fish. Now, some seafood -- scungili, for example -- are strong-tasting enough for each to complement the other.

I like being held out as an expert on food. It must infuriate Sietsema.

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Westfield, N.J.: So what is your opinion on senses of humor being genetic? I ask because I have twin daughters, 15 months old. They're not identical. One twin will initiate jokes, like biting the spoon you're trying to take out of her mouth so you can't pull it out, or holding something out to you only to pull it away last minute, a la Lucy and the football. Then she cracks up.

The other twin thinks these things are funny if you get her going on them, but she never initiates them.

Anyway, my husband and I thought it was an interesting difference between the two and of course we are both claiming genetic ownership of the funny twin. Is our other daughter doomed to a life of having all her jokes fall flat because she can't read a room?

Gene Weingarten: Here is my test. I actually have one. Did one or both of them laugh at "peek-a-boo" even before they laughed at being tickled? Answer me that, and I shall diagnose.

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1600 Penn Ave.: Gene-
Did you notice that in the KidsPost last Saturday, an article about a Barney X-mas video on the Web, www.whitehouse.org was cited as the official White House Web site? Freaking hilarious! They really do have a good kids section at that site.

washingtonpost.com: See the correction here.

Gene Weingarten: I missed this. That's great. Hey, at least they didn't link to whitehouse.com.

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Bethlehem: No, that's about right. No need for ganging up. No one really knows what time of the year Jesus was born. I've seen many theories for sometime in the spring, actually, but I don't think they're any more credible than any other.

Also, Jesus was probably born sometime between 4 and 6 BC.

Gene Weingarten: Whew.

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Fiber, OH!;: I can confirm "The Regulars." Hideous.

Gene Weingarten: Man!

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Curious: What are you getting Liz for Christmas? She surely deserves something for putting up with you every week for an hour!

washingtonpost.com: Mmm... pray tell...

Gene Weingarten: Please note that Liz forwarded this to me from her queue of thousands of questions.

I shall not reveal what it is. But I will note that she won't get it until after Christmas BECAUSE I CANNOT MOVE. A MUSCLE. Though I am doing the chat. Because I have to.

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Crosswords: It should be pointed out that some of those British crosswords are much, much harder than, say, the Saturday New York Times puzzle. They are heavy into puns and anagrams and the clues are often have a few degrees of separation from the solutions.

Gene Weingarten: I despise puns and anagrams crosswords. They seem effete, as though they were written in parlour by some boulevardier with waxed moustaches, in 1890.

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Damascus, Md.: I am one of your token conservatives but I have to say that, MAN, was Eric Shansby's cartoon funny in your column this week. He is very talented. But he does need to do a new sketch of you for this chat. It is Winter Break time, he should be able to whip out a new sketch.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Stop! I Can't Stanza It, (Post Magazine, Dec. 19)

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. We shall get him on it.

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College Park, Md.: I wrote for the school newspaper, just a simple weekly column just to try to see if I can be funny. It worked out well for a while, mainly got e-mails from people who said they liked my story. Then I got one recently from a guy who simply wrote, "Childish. Don't quit your day job." What would be the best response to a guy who obviously doesn't understand that I just did this for fun? (Note, in my byline it specifically states that I'm an engineering major, so not gonna be a humor journalist when I get out of school, which is good cause I'm out of ideas.)

Would you go with:
A. Thanks for the feedback, always good to hear from a fan.
B. Thanks for your concern. There's absolutely no way I'd quit at McDonalds, I just can't live without the perks of free burgers.
C. Did you know that your last name backwards is a dirty word referring to women's breasts?

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: I like the third response. The single best letter to a reader I've seen was by Kornheiser. Some college student had blasted Kornheiser in his sports column. And someone sent Korn a copy.

Tony wrote to the kid, a very, very sweet letter saying that he'd been told the kid had written about him, and he wanted to thank him. Tony wrote that he hadn't seen the column yet, but would read it as soon as he got back in town. He told the kid that he was influenced early on by a letter he got from his hero Red Smith, and so Tony was offering to help this kid out in any way he might.

THAT was genius.

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I also heart Ge, NE: Gene, I have a problem. I am a 20-something female who thinks you are hysterically funny and I am finding that men my age are lacking this particular personality trait. Hence, thats why I heart Gene Weingarten. Why are men my age so lacking in the funny department? Is fine-tuned humor something that comes with age and experience or is it something that is just missing from my Gen-X age group? Where are all the funny 20-something men? Show yourselves for the love of god so us 20-something women will have someone to heart other than Gene!

washingtonpost.com: I hear Jim Jones was funny, too.

Gene Weingarten: I don't entirely understand Liz's comment, but, then again, I am in extreme pain.

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Silver Spring, Md.: "I despise puns and anagrams crosswords. They seem effete, as though they were written in parlour by some boulevardier with waxed moustaches, in 1890."

Yeah, I can't do them either.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, I can do them, baby. I just feel like a jerk.

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Washington, D.C.: Do some dogs have a sense of humor?

Gene Weingarten: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. It's a really, really stupid sense of humor, but they have one. I'm told goats have a particularly refined sense of humor.

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Back, Pain: How can you be so funny on a chat with a bad back? When my husband's back goes out, he is cranky and sends me a way from him with arm motions only, until he falls on the floor going to the bathroom and I have to come and pull his pants back up and try to get him back into bed.

Gene Weingarten: My wife had to help me out of bed today. Nothing makes you feel quite so old.

The reason I am being at least a little funny is that LIZ IS FORCING ME TO.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, not all of your poems scanned. What happened, old bean?

Gene Weingarten: I think they all did. Which do you think didn't?

washingtonpost.com: Stop! I Can't Stanza It, (Post Magazine, Dec. 19)

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washingtonpost.com: re: Jim Jones. There are more than a dozen missives today from 20-something women proclaiming their "affection" for you. I think you have what it takes to lead your own cult. You obviously have the brain-washing part down. Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Silver Spring, Md.: When is the Style Invitational going to implement some restrictions as to limiting the number of appearances of winners? I mean, so many people have just stopped reading the column because it's the same people week after week after week. Please -- keep winners to once a month, you'll have a greater variety of people, and you'll get your readership back. As it is now, a lot of people have just abandoned the column.

Gene Weingarten: I am guessing you are the same grump who wrote a similar complaint last week. I want to dispense with this once and for all. First, your thesis is wrong. Participation in The Invitational is not decreasing, it is increasing. I will now refer you to two other chatters, who will close the case.

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Charlottesville, Va.: "As of right now, people are fed up with the same names appearing week after week."

If the goal is to avoid reading the same names week after week, perhaps Silver Spring would be happier reading the obituaries.

Gene Weingarten: Here, and here:

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Arlington, Va.: I apologize this is a week late, but to the person complaining about SI entrants: Have you ever tried not reading the names? The names are there to give people credit and make them feel special. The names are not meant to be funny. You can ignore them.

Gene Weingarten: ... and here.

Gene Weingarten: I would also ask this: If you think fairness is so important, perhaps you would like your favorite football teams not to always play its regulars, but to give the scrubs a chance. Just to be fair. Maybe even use some fans.

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Washington, D.C.: If your back's "out", and your son's home, why isn't he doing the chat? He was great the last time.
Not that I don't heart you, Gene. I do, I do.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, he'll be back, as it were.

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Downtown Washington, D.C.: I'm a contractor for a government agency that has instituted department wide cuts and freezes. I knew my job was possibly in jeopardy, but my boss was optimistic that I would survive the ax.

Last week another boss handed out Christmas presents to all the employees (government and contractors). I got something extra in my bag -- a $10 Starbucks card that thanked me for my hard work and wished me "all the best!" My jaw dropped, but my (government) co-workers thought I was reading too into the card.

Five minutes later I got the call from my contractor -- I was, indeed, cut.

Now this got me thinking. I decided that when I become a boss, I'm going to use Starbucks cards in lieu of those unfashionable pink slips and face to face confrontations!

(p.s. I want to also tell you that unfortunately, the Starbucks-card-giver cut me behind my boss' back. Ohhh -- drama!).

Gene Weingarten: Not long ago, if I remember correctly, Dave Barry wrote about some big retailer's severance package that included a Barbie Doll.

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The Great North: Why do some people from the South (in particular) have such deplorable grammar? Where in the world did the word "ain't" originate?

Gene Weingarten: In my opinion, saying "ain't I?" is better than saying "Aren't I?" Because it is closer in sound to "amn't I?" which is in my opinion the only acceptable contraction.

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Ellicott City, Md.: I guess I will find out if humor is universal.

We had Japanese customers in for the week (well out of DC). Well I got to drive them into DC where they were staying for the weekend. Dropped them off friday night at their hotel, the Grand Hyatt at 10th and H. Right across the street from the convention center. I guess they got a rude awakening saturday. So, should this be seen as universally funny?

Gene Weingarten: Wow. It took me a while to parse this, but yes. Very funny. In a pretty dark way.

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Captian Underpants: Gene,

Does it make me crazy I have to match my undies to my bra, ALL OF THE TIME. My boy friend thinks I am absolutely the funniest thing he has ever seen when I run about the apartment in a partially dressed tizzy when I can not find the right color bottoms to go with my tops. He says that alone makes me nuts, and it does not matter that I am no OCD over anything else. I say that a guy who wears boxers with holes in them has lost his right to an opinion.

What say you?

Gene Weingarten: You run around your house in a tizzy, looking for panties? You hide them in odd places in your house?

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Help, ME: Gene, I ask for your guidance as an arbiter of workplace harmont and bathroom stuff:

I work for a large company in a large building. I use a wheelchair. I like to think that I work with adults so when I go to the restrooom and the wheelchair stall is occupied but the regular one is free, I assume that the regular stall was occupied when the person came in. It is hard to consider that I work with adults, however, when i go to the bathroom, enter the wheelchair stall, and find a paper mache attempt to cover every centimeter of the toilet seat just lying there after use. And I went to the other bathroom on my floor to find that toilet stopped up with what appeared to be the artist's first attempt at paper mache (not some euphemism, it was just clogged with paper, some of which still hung to the seat).

What is the proper response to this? Do I demand a private bathroom. I just don't have time for this s...

Gene Weingarten: I will say that this goes for the skinny stalls, too.

You will agree, but note that since there is only one wheelchair stall, you can't just choose another and let the problem be solved by maintenance.

I will say, well, you're right. I will also compliment your use of the "papier mache" metaphor, while spelling it correctly, a rebuke so subtle you won't take offense.

We will both agree Something Has to Be Done.

This conversation will probably provoke someone to grump about why there are so many handicapped parking spaces at malls -- so many that the spaces seem never to be filled. I will answer this, preemptively: The overabundance is deliberate, and right. It is based on the assumption that a handicapped person should NEVER have to walk a long distance; the only way to accomplish that is to have a situtation where, usually, there are empty handicapped spaces.

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To Silver Spring: You had a slight mis-spelling in your post. It's not spelled "people are fed up with reading the same names" it's spelled "I'm upset that I don't get picked because I'm not funny"

Hope this helps!

Gene Weingarten: Me, too!

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

Both the storylines atop are terrible. But Cathy Guisewite is at least trying for humor. She is failing, mostly, but she is trying. The FBFW is simply awful, a good-two shoes screed that is not even true at its heart. Either answer related to that strip is correct, but mine is b. Not trying to be funny.

More in a sec.

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Gene Weingarten: Near as i can tell, only the first BC has an actual joke in it, and the joke isn't terrible. It plays on your linking a merry go round to "horsing around." GET IT?

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Gene Weingarten: And Zits and Nonseq are both pretty good, but comparing them demonstrates eloquently the value of brevity, no? A better cartoon.

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History teacher, also Catholic: Clap, clap, clap, clap!; All of our Christian holidays began as pagan holidays. The big ones like Christmas and Easter and the smaller ones like the feast of St. John the Baptist (on the longest day of the year, exactly six months before Christmas). The early Christians just highjacked them and changed them into Christian holidays. Notice that the bible never mentions a Yule Log? I could go on, but I'm sure you've stopped reading. I'm just so glad that you wrote what you did!; Happy Highjacked Holiday!;

Gene Weingarten: Right, that is what I thought. Thank you.

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41 year old male w/Affection for Gene....: Hey, some of us men lust after Gene, too. How bout it, Gene? Shall we take a stroll together down Main St. in Provincetown?

Gene Weingarten: My first gay mash note! This is exciting.

Thanks guy, but I'm on the other team. Not that there's anyting wrong with your team!

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Alexandria, Va.: Who says that a comic MUST be funny -- so what if one tries to teach (well... preach). Lots of ignorance still out there.

Gene Weingarten: I say a comic must be funny, and I consider the matter closed.

(Any good cartoonist will tell you that. It was Garry Trudeau's entire point, in analyzing Johnny Hart's religious stuff. So long as he is trying for humor -- which he MOSTLY was, Garry had no problem with proselytizing. Garry, actually, is the perfect example of that. He can get witheringly political, but he is almost always funny, and is always trying to be funny.)

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Underwe, AR: My heart goes out to Ms. Matching-Bra-&-Panties. If her boyfriend is so unsympathetic, I'll be glad to go over to her place and help her look around every morning.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Matching bra and underwear: My mother was the same way. In fact, when my sister and I went to select clothing for her to be buried in we nixed a black bra, white underwear choice. She would not have rested in peace.

She also insisted that tupperware match its lid (back when tupperware came in brown, yellow and gold). I would intentionally mismatch them to drive her crazy, but now find myself suffering from many of the same afflictions.

Gene Weingarten: This is strangely ... sweet.

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OK, I'll Bite...: Guess my cerebellum has checked out early for the holidays, but I'm still baffled by Ellicott City's comments on the Japanese customers in DC. Please help!;

Gene Weingarten: Okay. I took it to mean that there was a cruel irony in Japanese people waking up one morning to find a building exploding and collapsing next door.

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Hampton Roads, Va.: Why is it that posting slows down in the last 15 minutes of your chat? It seems like this happens every week. Do you just get tired after 45 minutes and sandbag the end?

Gene Weingarten: No, postings slow down. I'm not sure why.

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Insul, TN: I've often heard a man (or teenage male) derisively call a woman "ugly," when in fact (ugly or not) she's still much better looking than he is. I've never come across this situation with the genders reversed (or two of the same gender). Is this an universal observation? If so, I'm a bit puzzled as to why it occurs in this one gender combo. (If it somehow makes a difference, I'm a below-voting-age female whose looks are usually appraised as "you're a nice person.")

Gene Weingarten: This might be a teenage phenomenon. In fact, it is a teenage phenomenon. You're a teenager, you're insecure, u cut down others to feel better about yourself.

This HAS to cut across both sexes. No?

I don't think I have ever participated in, or heard, a conversation among two or more actual men about the ugliness of a woman.

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Gene Weingarten: Well, I have just received a communique from the Empress, who is so upset that even one person's feelings are hurt by all those repeat names that she has decided to stop crediting entries altogether. From now on, the Style Invitational will present anonymous entries only.

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Another 40+ male:: The reason so many women heart you is that you're perfectly willing to play to their prejudices about male stupidity and irrationality.

Please address:
how many clothes a person has any use for
how big a family's house should be
how often one should change your hairstyle or color

Gene Weingarten: An entire week's worth; big enough for the guy to have a "den," never. You're welcome.

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New York, N.Y.: "I Dream of Genie" or "Bewitched?"

Gene Weingarten: Definitely bewitched. Jeannie was an idiot.

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Posting slows down...: ...because we're still waiting for your responses to our earlier, funnier postings.

Gene Weingarten: Keep waiting, Jimbo.

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Hoover Building, D.C.: Any truth to the reports that after the convention center blew up that several organizations called in to claim responsibility?

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

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Lexington Park, Md.: As to the men calling girls or women ugly. Just wait until college, then no guy calls a girl ugly, the girl simply gets put into the beer scale. As in: how many till I'm willing to take her home?

Gene Weingarten: Inevitably, these comparisons are made by guys who look like Drew Carey.

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USSR: When did the Post and specifically the SI become communist? We're capitalist here, and we should reward people on the work that they do. Attaching names to the SI is a reward. I have never entered the SI but am a faithful reader. I may stop if the names drop. Don't be PC. Someone will always be offended. Do what's right.

Gene Weingarten: I like this notion. But what's done is done! You people complained! Sorry!

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Alexandria, Va: Sleeping in public is illegal? They could bust commuters by the trainful! There are several upcoming meetings here at work that could be raided!

Have good holiday (you too, Liz!), and I hope your back is better quickly, and I say this not only because my 23-year-old daughter thinks you're hot.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I think her mom is hot, too.

Happy holidays to all of you. An yes, I was kidding about the Invitional. You think the Empress is an idiot?

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Arlington, Va.: Tell the Empress to starch her spine. The Czar NEVER surrendered in the face of such whining. Either remind her of the Anonymous Entry Contest (which proved your point and stopped earlier, similar whining -- the regulars still won). Or, better yet: tell her run another one. The Style Invitational must remain the Last Meritocracy On Earth, and that includes recognition for true excellence.

Gene Weingarten: Precisely. The Empress knows this.

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UPDATED 12.22.04

Washington, D.C.: Hey Gene... given that Linda Cropp is kind of the one who is (right or wrong) responsible for stalling this whole thing with the Nationals, I had to laugh when I read what Tony Tavares said in your paper's article this morning about the Nats suspending business operations:

"From a baseball standpoint, the Nationals' next step is the same as it has been over the last month: pursuing free agent left-hander Odalis Perez. That, of course, depends on the D.C. Council's vote today.

"'The old saying applies here,' Tavares said. 'It's not over until the fat lady sings.'"

Gene Weingarten: Some of the best comedy is unintentional comedy.

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Westfield, N.J.: I am the person with the unequally funny twins. Yes, actually, the one who plays Lucy with the football game laughed at peek-a-boo. The other one just looked at us like we were insane.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, this is just as I suspected. Peek-a-boo is my personal neonatal test for the basic hard-wiring of a good sense of humor. If a baby laughs at peek-a-boo before he or she laughs at being tickled, the baby is showing amusement at the central fact of humor: colliding frames of reference. Mental judo. You expect one thing, but suddenly see another. It is the basis of all jokes. You have one funny baby and one not-so-funny baby.

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Virginia: I agree completely with your answer on the handicapped parking spaces -- but what do you think about the spaces reserved for pregnant women/women with infants or small children. If the parking lot is full and that space is empty I will park there (fyi -- I am a child free woman).

Gene Weingarten: So you won’t get up to give a pregnant woman a seat on the subway? "Child-free" woman is an interesting phrase. Sounds like nicotine-free, or HIV-free. Forgive me being judgmental, but this sounds as though you have a chip on your shoulder.

How about free parking for people afflicted by chips on their shoulders?

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UPDATED 12.23.04

New York: I agree with the "child free woman." If a pregnant woman is medically incapable of requiring the privleges pprovided by handicap parking, then she should obtain a temporary handicap tag. However, if this is not the case, why should she have parking spaces reserved specially for her?

Gene Weingarten: Because it doesn't really hurt us to give a break to people who need a break, Grincho. There's another reason not to take these spots, as eloquently explained by the next reader.

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Breeder: Poor, ignorant "Child Free" -- doesn't she know that the child-infested have immediate access to enormous amounts of poop of various consistency and stench? Not that any decent mother would stoop to smearing a Cheerio-free vehicle in a new/expecting mothers parking space with poop, but we aren't all decent.

Gene Weingarten: See?

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Long Island, N.Y.: Hope your back is getting better, but your injury brings up a question that might combine your knowledge of medical problems and gender. I feel like I always hear about adult men throwing their backs out and unable to move but rarely does this happen to women. Is there a structural difference between a man and women's back? Are women tougher and able to suck up the pain, or do they have no choice because they have to take care of their man? Are men trying too hard to be macho by lifting objects too heavy for their backs?

It is also possible that I am totally wrong and women do throw out their backs and I just have not heard.

washingtonpost.com: Women do throw out their backs. I herniated a disk about 10 years ago and, from time to time, I still have lower back problems. Of course, I wouldn't have herniated said disk if the man in my life at that point had been lifing the wet 40-pound bags of mulch instead of playing golf.

Gene Weingarten: This is an interesting question. Doctors will confirm that more men seem to have back problems. One reason could be that men tend to do more heavy lifting, stupid athletics, etc. But I wonder if women have proportionally stronger back musculature, adapted for the rigor of pregnancy.

Any experts out there?

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Gene Weingarten: Update on the three comics cited in the poll.

Two readers point out that there is at least a semblance of a joke in the "Noel" cartoon, since Santa's words are a corruption of the expression "what part of 'no' don't you understand." I confess I actually missed this. But what follows entails some heavy lifting: You need to assume he is lecturing the elves to stop bellyaching about their work, because it is Christmas, so what should they expect? A stretch, but I guess you can call it an effort at a joke.

One person sent me a long explanation of why the political B.C. was funny. It is funny, she said, because the implication is that the democrat doll, across the aisle, was also unchanged in four years. No. Sorry.

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Gene Weingarten: Oh, one more point on the matter of pregnant women and simple courtesies. I believe I have reported this before, but it seems appropriate to mention it here.

When my wife was pregnant with Molly in 1981, we were living in New York, and she regularly rode the subway to work. She noticed something startling: The only people who routinely offered her a seat (even at eight months) were women, and African-American men.

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