"If you think you are him, you are living in a dream world."
"The data bank sent all his medical records. His blood pressure is 130 over 80, but his cholesterol is high and his doctor put him on a diet. Also, his job in his advertising agency is starting to give him ulcers. He takes an anti-depressant pill every morning and a sleeping pill every night.
"His health insurance company insists on physical examinations twice a year. He has to pay an added premium because there is a history of heart failure in the family."
"Sorry to hear that," I said. "What kind of books does he read?"
"Mysteries and novels, but he never finished 'The Da Vinci Code.' He likes movies, and music -- Bruce Springsteen and Celine Dion -- but he downloads records without paying for them."
"You are describing the perfect American man. How are you going to become him instead of you?"
"They let you correct the information they're holding on you. I'll tell them the Barney Nelson in their data bank has moved and I'll give them my address. I will also inform them they have the wrong Social Security number and ask them to put mine in instead. The rest stays as it is. This way, Bank of America will lend me as much money as I want them to."
I said, "You're a better man now than you were before, Barney Nelson."
© 2005, Tribune Media Services
