Q.Our 3 1/2-year-old son is delightfully gregarious, going out of his way to talk with passersby even though he gets plenty of attention from us.
Usually he just wants to point out the nearby construction truck or tell them about the animal he is impersonating that day. Sometimes, however, he follows up by asking, "Would you like to come to my house?" Or "Can I come to your house?" (or, occasionally, "Do you have any toys at your house?"). Most adults are amused by his questions, but some seem chagrined so my husband and I told our son that it wasn't polite to invite himself to the house of someone he doesn't know. He then started introducing himself to strangers, asking them for their names and then telling us that he really knows them.
Of course we'll eventually discourage our son from telling strangers his name, but we hate to make him suspicious of adults at such an early age. It also seems unnecessary since he is always supervised by his day-care/preschool teachers or by one of us.
When do you think we should start telling our son, "Don't talk to strangers"? And should we already be limiting the information he gives about himself? We want to encourage safe behavior without dampening his trusting, sociable nature.
A.You're following your own instincts and you're doing fine.
It really is all right for your son to tell strangers about himself and his world because you're watching over him all the while. In fact, it would be a pity if he stopped. These brief encounters are obviously as enchanting to his newfound friends as they are to him, but do encourage your little boy to move on if they look bored. This will teach him to leave them laughing when he says goodbye.
We live in an age of apprehension, however, and some parents seem to think that there is a bogeyman behind every bush. Don't buy into this kind of fear and don't pass it along to your son. Little children often become timid and anxious if they are warned too much too soon, and it does little good.
Very few 3-year-olds can dial 911.
Instead teach your son that he mustn't accept toys or candy from a stranger -- or from the friend he just made on his stroll -- nor should he go into anyone's house or car without you or his dad. In addition, you should teach him his full name, his address and his phone number as soon as you can, in case you get separated in a crowd.
These techniques are more effective, and more relevant -- particularly when it comes to the prevention of sexual abuse -- than that time-worn admonition "Don't talk to strangers." Many more children are abused by family members, friends, neighbors and other people they know than they are by strangers.
What your son, and all children, needs most is unobtrusive supervision, well-explained limits and a few serious warnings delivered in a lighthearted way.
One southern mother, faced with the annual visit from a fanny-patting in-law, safeguarded -- and empowered -- her grade-school daughters, simply by explaining his problem to them, and telling them to "step lively" when he entered the room. And so they did. Every time he appeared, they would jump up and start stepping lively all around the room, giggling harder with every step they took. You can be sure that the in-law never patted their bottoms, or even got near them, and the girls learned to step lively if they ever thought a man -- or a woman -- might try to get fresh with them.
Sexual abuse is not, of course, the only danger your child faces. Your son will be using a seat belt in a year or so and it will be vital for him to use it as routinely as he uses his car seat now. This should instill the habit so well that he will always belt himself in the car, even when he's a teenager.
There are many ways to keep preschoolers safe, but primarily it's up to parents, teachers and caregivers to protect children until they are old enough to protect themselves.
Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.comor to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.
