John Kelly's Washington Live

John Kelly and unidentified revelers. (For The Washington Post)

John Kelly writes five times a week about the joys and annoyances of living in Washington. He aims to show readers the Washington (and Silver Spring, Alexandria, Manassas, Bowie ...) that they know and take them places they don't know. He wants to make them see familiar things in unfamiliar ways and unfamiliar things in familiar ways. ("We may occasionally end up seeing unfamiliar things in unfamiliar ways," John says, "but such are the risks of the job.") His columns take a cockeyed view of the place the rest of the planet knows as the Capital of the Free World but that we all call home. John rides the Metro for fun and once kidnapped an Irishman to see what made him tick.

Fridays at 1 p.m. ET John is online to chat about his columns and mull over anything that's on your mind. This week's columns:
A Winter's Tale That Melts Away (Post, March 11)
Finding Meaning in the Rinse Cycle (Post, March 10)
A Long Ride for a Good Time (Post, March 9)
Giving Us the Old Song and Dance (Post, March 8)
An Index of, Um, Accomplishment (Post, March 7) Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

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John Kelly: The storm began early on March 11, rain at first, changing to snow around 3 p.m. Temperatures kept falling and so did the snow, pulling down so many electrical and telegraph wires that by midnight Washington was blacked out and cut off, with only a few gas lights flickering weekly in the storm. After the snow came the wind, northerly gusts that were so strong and relentless that they blew the water out of the Potomac, stranding boats on the muddy river bottom.

This was the Blizzard of 1888, the so-called "White Hurricane." Streetcar companies did their best to clear the tracks--of snow and toppled telegraph poles--but the horses that pulled the cars made slow progress, their hooves skittering on the ice. Many would later argue that overhead wires should be abolished.

That was 117 years ago today. And what was the forecast for that day? "Fresh to brisk easterly winds, with rain, will prevail tonight, followed on Monday by colder, brisk westerly winds and fair weather throughout the Atlantic states." The more things change... (Details on the storm are from Kevin Ambrose's captivating book, "Blizzards and Snowstorms of Washington, D.C., published in 1993 by Historical Enterprises.)

I'm nowhere near a window. Is it snowing now?

This week's columns celebrated my anniversary, hoofed it over to the Hexagon show, introduced a woman who drove from England to Africa in a Ford Fiesta, explored why I was put on Earth (to do laundry) and, today, attempted to defend us Washingtonians' snow-honor.

So, let's chat already...

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Gaithersburg, Md.: John,

I still don't buy your arguments about the wimpy-ness, or lack-thereof, of the region's ability to deal with snow. You say that it shouldn't matter if we have drivers from Miami, because we also have drivers from Buffalo, but then you mention how one driver putting on his breaks can grind the beltway to a halt. So, it should stand to reason that a few people who freak out in snow - they do exist, you know - can slow the whole system down more than necessary. I think Tuesday was an excellent example of this. It was snowing - but the roads were so warm from the previous day that clearly nothing was sticking; yet traffic ground to a halt everywhere, far worse than it wold have even in a heavy rain storm

You also mention how rural schools can stay open in snow storms, but you seem to forget that there are plenty of urban areas in the great white north (see: Detroit, Minneapolis, Toronto). The problem with the schools here is that they cancel classes at the first prediction of snow the afternoon before the snow should hit, in stead of doing the reasonable thing (like most northern urban areas) and getting up a touch earlier at 4 or so and checking to see if the prediction was accurate.

Lastly, just because the region doesn't have the snow removal resources of Buffalo doesn't mean that it can't mismanage the resources it does have. We lay so much salt down that it forms piles on 270 and obscures the white lanes markers. Our plows don't plow - the just dump ridiculous amounts of snow down. It would stand to reason that if you move some of the snow out of the way and onto the shoulder of the road that you wouldn't have to dump so much salt to get rid of the remaining stuff.

John Kelly: One driver: Call this the Butterfly Effect. One butterfly flapping its wings can start a hurricane. My point was that this applies all the time, not just in snow. So we should just blame Washington traffic rather than Washington snow wimpiness. Does it not happen in other cities? (And there were accidents Tuesday. I-70 near Frederick was shut down for something like 90 minutes in both directions.)

School closings: I don't think most schools pull the trigger too early. That morning a couple weeks ago was weird, but the forecasts were so strong, what choice did they have? YEs, it wasn't snowing at 4 a.m., but it wasn't at 6 a.m. either, or 9 a.m. The meteorologists kept pushing back the snow start time. Should the schools have said, "Well it's not snowing at 4 a.m. so we should go ahead with school"? And anyway, the longer they wait the more they open themselves to the complaint: "Well you didn't cancel school EARLY enough. We didn't have time to make contingency plans."

Resources: I agree that we go heavy on the salt. I've been watching a pile near my house get smaller and smaller as the weeks go by. But how much practice do these guys get? they'd get a lot in Buffalo, just like I'd be a much better golfer if I golfed more than every other year.

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Rockville, Md.: Does your kids look like you or your wife?

John Kelly: Yes.

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Alexandria, Va.: Love your column John Kelly! Here's a question for you: What is a "spotty boy?"
Yesterday, Thursday, there was an ad in the post (A-19) for a tailor who makes men's custom clothing. Mr. Raja M Daswani of Kowloon, the tailor, spoke of "chain store suits, cut by a computer and sold to you by a spotty boy..." I just love the term. Can you tell the origin of it? I'll bet you can>John Kelly: "Spotty" is Brit-speak for "pimply." If you look at the Who album "The Who Sell Out" you will see Keith Moon applying a big dose of "Medac" pimple cream to his face, with the line, "Put Medac on the spot now."

So, a "spotty boy" is some clueless youngster who wouldn't know a side vent from a sausage roll.

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washingtonpost.com: http://eil.com/shop/moreinfo.asp?catalogid=301855John Kelly: A spotty boy...

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Alexandria, Va.: John - Just read last week's discussion in your archives,
and had a few thoughts to share:

1. Teachers. Teachers don't sit down all day. Well, at
least I don't. The few times I can get a seat on the metro
is heavenly bliss. Of course, for the greater good, I do
agree that seats need to be taken out.

2. School cancellations due to snow prediction. I hate it
when I hear people say the school systems are wimps, the
superintendents are wimps, etc. when they make the
decision to close schools because the forecast is
predicting heavy amounts of snow. Now, is it their fault
that it doesn't happen? Instead of blaming the schools,
why don't we blame the forecasters who really have had a
horrible track record this winter. I can't remember a time
when they got it right, and can think of three times where
they were really, really wrong. Remember, there are a lot
of uppity parents out there just itching to sue the schools
when their precious child slips and falls on the ice (one
janitor can only shovel so much). Remember, our buses
are stuck in the same traffic you are stuck in. Remember,
most of our teachers can't afford to live in the area, so
they are also stuck in that traffic (it isn't like other jobs
where if you are late, you can just stay later in the day to
finish up your work). Remember, school systems have
snow days built into the schedule (basically more unpaid
overtime for teachers) so that they don't have to take risks
with student safety. I never cease to be amazed that
people actually complain about this stuff. If you think it
through for just a moment, I believe it all becomes pretty
clear.

John Kelly: Thanks for venting. The forecasters have it tough, too. How many of us are expected to do our job completely flawlessly 100 percent of the time?

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Anonymous: man I wish some people would learn cell phone etiquet. I was standin at the gas pump fillin up my tank with over priced gas only to have to listen to someone yell and scream at someone for being lost for the whole time on nextel. man its a phone use it like one. don't use it like its a public speaker phone and you have to impress/tick off everyone

John Kelly: I saw a story somewhere about how people talk louder on cellphones, even though they don't need to. I think it was on NPR. There's a reason, which I can't recall. Yes, it's annoying. But sometimes it's entertaining. I like overhearing some conversations. The other day in a donut shop I heard a guy talking to his girlfriend say, "The thing about meth is, when you're on meth, all you think about is meth." I guess he wasn't on meth, because he was thinking about donuts.

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Springfield, Va.: OK, I was born and raised here in the DC area and I am happy to admit:

Boy, when it snows I'm just useless! I'm a hazard!

I hope this helps.

John Kelly: Oh, so it's you we have to blame. You're sort of Driver Zero. Thanks for confessing.

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Rockville, Md.: Hi John!
I am 28, and have lived in the DC metro (Merlin') area for 23 years, and...

I cannot drive in the snow. I admit it. When it comes to the snow, I am a pathetic moron. I forget how the car works, what to do when it skids, the wheels spin, etc. I don't deny it!

Just wanted to get that out. Man, do I feel better!

ps. On snow days I bus it to the metro. But I still work!

John Kelly: This is great. If we can compile a database of these people and just keep them off the road when it snows, our problems will be solved.

Bus to Metro: The wise choice. (Although I used to resent how crowded the bus and Metro would get on snow days with people who regularly drive. It was like, this is MY turf. What are you foul-weather friends doing here?)

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Washington, D.C.: Hi John - A while back you wrote a column about getting a tailor-made suit. So how has that suit worked out for you? Has it worn well? Can you repost the column; I'm thinking of taking the plunge. Thanks.

John Kelly: I've had three suits made by Mr. Raja Daswani and they've all worn well. I wouldn't say that they're all perfect. The sleeves are a touch long on one (not obscenely long; I just would like to show more shirt). And I should have askef for buttons on the trousers rather than those metal clasp things.

But since I got to choose the fabric and the styles, the suits are unique. I have one that is wildly striped (red/brown/black) and it always gets remarks. A $2,000 or $3,000 bespoke suit might be better, but I think I did pretty well for the $500 I spent on each one. I think he may be coming to town next week, but I didn't get a flyer in the mail like I usually do.

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Alexandria, Va.: O Answer Man: Is there life after death, and should I bring cash -- or are there ATMS?

John Kelly: I'm going to throw this one out to the chatters. Anyone? My opinion fluctuates day to day. A really smart credit card company should try to get exclusive rights to the hereafter: "Visa: It's the only credit card accepted in Heaven. Don't leave Earth without it."

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washingtonpost.com: In One Instance, N.Y. Outshines D.C. (Post, June 9, 2004) John Kelly: Here's the suit column. This Mr. Daswani is a different Mr. Daswani from the other MR. Daswani. If that makes sense. I don't know what their connection to one another is, if any.

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Washington, D.C.: John- Just wanted to contribute to some of the topics of discussion that happened the last few weeks when I couldn't make the chat.

Smartrip on busses rocks. Not only does it know to only take 35 cents when you've just used it in the Metro, it also knows not to charge you anything to transfer from one bus to another. Once you use it on a bus it keeps a free bus transfer status for a couple of hours. It's awesome and it makes stopping to pick people up so much faster.

Also a reminder on your story about the man who fell in Union Station and the security guards who wouldn't call 911 for the person trying to help him. Please remember that anyone can call 911 for free from a payphone. I held out getting a cell phone until recently and I can attest that there are still plenty of payphones around (though admittedly not as many as there used to be!)

John Kelly: Now I understand how that SmarTrip thing works on buses. That is pretty cool. I'm sure that privacy zealots might complain about it. It's like having a little microchip tracking your movements.

911: I think in the crush of cell phone mania, people are forgetting that pay phones even exist.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Your column yesterday was typically witty and refreshing. Speaking of refreshing, why not take your laundry process to the final level? My husband is also my laundry helpmate. He and I--barring a blizzard--hang sheets, towels, and some unmentionables out to dry every weekend. By doing so, we save money, protect the environment, and enjoy the wonderful smell of the great outdoors throughout the week. There's nothing like putting one's head on a pillowcase dried outdoors, and that's just a start. So how about it? Get yourself a collapsible clothesline and start a trend.

-Woodside

John Kelly: Sligo Creek isn't too far from me, or you. We can meet there and beat our laundry against a rock. Then we can carry in baskets on our heads back to our houses and put it through the mangle. Watch your hand!

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Rockville, Md.: Tuesday morning bought a WashPost paper out of the box at the Metro station for 35 cents, discovered on the platform while waiting for the train that it was a day-old Monday paper. It wasn't the last paper in the box, box was about half. Should have taken the free Express paper that was offered and read the columnists on-line at the office while pretending to work so hard. We wouldn't have wasted the 35 cents.

John Kelly: You got a collector's item! Sorry about that. If you like, I'll mail you a Tuesday paper if you e-mail me your address: kellyj@washpost.com.

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Bergenfield, N.J.: dear john: i've always wanted to send a dear john letter. all kidding aside. congrats on your anniversary. i can't believe its one year. you had big shoes to fill, but you're doing a job. i look forward to many more years to good reading from you. John Kelly: Thank you. Sometimes it feels like I just started this column. Other days I feel very old indeed. Speaking of very old, I wonder how much longer people will understand the expression "Dear John Letter." I hear that a lot from correspondents. But "Dear John Letter" is like something from World War II and as we rely more on e-mail it might go the way of "Twenty-three skiddoo!"

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Anonymous: You talk louder on a cell phone because you don't get your voice feeding back to you through the earpiece as you do on a landline.

John Kelly: That's right, that's what it was. Thank you.

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Ballston, Va.: John, there's a dinette-set store in Ballston Commons that currently has a large banner hanging that invites customers to "Customize Your Stools." Am I hopelessly juvenile for chuckling to myself when I read that?

John Kelly: Yes. I wonder how they customize them. I'm imagining something like those stencils through which children push Play-Doh.

At least the sign doesn't say "Choose a Dinette and Pick Your Stools."

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Foggy Bottom, D.C.: BOO HOO the Terps and GTown lost...BOO HOO. Okay.....GW beat Forham and have the only REAL shot at making it to the NCAA tourney, why aren't the local sportscasters doing anything more than briefly mentioning- GW won, they play another game in the A-10. It's really annoying, the A-10 isn't having an off-year, it's really tough as always!

John Kelly: Is this Stephen Joel Trachtenberg? Shouldn't you get back to work buying up all the real estate in Foggy Bottom?

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Washington, D.C.: Help, please.

Do you know when they're going to start selling single-game Nationals tickets? The first game at RFK is April 3, for goodness' sake, and they're still only selling season and partial-season tickets! Help!

John Kelly: From the Nationals website: Tickets to any 2005 Washington Nationals home game (except Opening Night) will be available at noon on Saturday, March 12 by visiting the regular season schedule and clicking the link on the game you wish to attend.

Go Nationals!

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Anonymous: Don't know if this is your area, but...if I wanted to find out what the salaries were of a certain county's school board members, where could I find this information?
I'm assuming that it's public information.

John Kelly: It might be buried somewhere on the county's Web site. Or you could just try calling the school board. It should be public and they should have to give it to you.

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Washington, D.C.: As disapponted as I was to not see an Answer Man column this week, I was glad to be reminded of who is responsible for police horse poop by your handy index. Either police horses made multiple large deposits in and around Dupont Circle this weekend, or the warm weather is causing circle-goers to act way too casually. This stuff was in the middle of the concrete plaza by the fountain on Sunday when I walked by in the early afternoon; it was still there late that evening. On Monday, I found another deposit about a block away right in the middle of a wheelchair ramp at a streetcorner.

John Kelly: I was hoping not to revisit this issue, but I have heard from a couple people that the horses aren't picking up after themselves. Also that police dogs sniffing vehicles on Capitol Hill are leaving their messes festering out in the open. It's time for me to get Woodward on their behinds....(And when I say "Woodward" I don't mean to actually enlist Bob Woodward but to "get Woodward," the way one "gets medieval.")

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Washington, D.C.: Of your suit, you wrote: "And I should have asked for buttons on the trousers rather than those metal clasp things."

I think that's called a zipper.

John Kelly: I knew some wise guy was gonna say this. I don't mean the zipper, I mean the thing that holds together the two sides that come together ABOVE the zipper. What's that called? Some pants have two buttons, some have one button and one metal clasp, some have two metal clasps. It's like a hook and eye sort of thing.

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Dupont Circle, D.C.: John, I have a high tolerance for metro and all its problems, it's hard to run such a large system without any money. However, there are things that I just don't understand, one major thing being metro escalators. This morning, all THREE Dupont South escalators were out of service, forcing people to walk up the very steep and very long steps. I'm young, in decent shape, and the steps were quite a challenge. I'm also very afraid of some sort of freakish accident happening on tall escalators that lands me down at the bottom with a broken neck. What I don't understand is that two of the three escalators worked yesterday night, so why not this morning?

If the escalators were not so incredibly long, I wouldn't care, but these are very high and very steep. A metro employee tried to warn people, but it was hard to hear with trains coming in and out and he made the announcement with very long intervals of silence between, stranding most people between the choice of walking and turning back and paying a full metro fare to get to the North side escalator. At least post a sign.

John Kelly: My assistant, Julie, just called a Metro spokesperson who had this to say:
There was an extrernal power outage at 7:45 this morning and everything had to be reset internally one by one. The escalators were running again by 9:15.

So, see, you just should have stayed in the station till 9:15, then you could have ridden up.

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Alexandria, Va.: I don't know about you but I customize my stools just about everyday.

John Kelly: I hope it's not the most creative thing you do all day.

How did this chat take this turn?

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Blacksburg, Va.: My husband and I are both 28. I've always known what a "Dear John" letter was but recently discovered that he didn't.

John Kelly: How did you find out he didn't know? You didn't send him one, did you?

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Anonymous: Re: Cell vs. landline: You mean when I talk on a landline I hear my own voice on the phone? I totally take your word for it, I've just never noticed! Funny how we don't notice things that we've been accustomed to our whole lives...

John Kelly: And we must unconsciously adjust our behavior. We can't hear ourselves through the earpiece, so we assume that others are having trouble hearing us. And thus we talk more loudly into the cell phone.

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Washington, D.C.: Have you heard those nifty little Public Service Announcements on Metro? Last night I heard a new one that brought a smile to my face: "Hungry? Let Metro take you to your place to eat -- don't let Metro BE your place to eat."

John Kelly: I haven't heard that one, but I have liked the posters I've seen about eating and talking loudly. Now what about drinking? A woman who got on the Red Line at Union Station this morning unscrewed a Diet Coke the minute she got on and took a swig. I should've wrestled her to the ground. (Diet Coke at 9 a.m.?!?!?)

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Chantilly, Va.: The Daswanis who apparently have a stranglehold on the tailoring business probably come from the same part of India, much like the many Patels who own motels and convenience stores -- they are all from the Gujarat province. We have heard from Indian friends that they use the term "Patel Motel" to describe such places.

John Kelly: Yes, he's originally from India, and goes there once a year for a month or so to spend time with his guru. I wish I had a guru.

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Anonymous: Just to make a point -- schools have a thing called early dismissal. Instead of cancelling school when there is no snow on the ground and missing an entire day of class for no reason, on days that the forecast keeps getting "pushed back and back" schools should be in session and dismiss early if needed. This is how it works in the snowy midwest. I'm sure you will cry "Oh, but then what will the poor parents do if their kids are let out early!" To that I say -- they will manage. Just like my working parents did for all of the years that I was in school.

John Kelly: I think you're probably right on that score. That was a truly bizarre storm two weeks ago.

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John Kelly: So no opinions on whether everything is free in Heaven? What are you, a bunch of Unitarians?

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Arlington, Va.: On the Atlanta courthouse shooting, yes, this was a terrible tragedy. In the wake of this, I hope we learn the real cost of lazy police. Now how exactly does an accused rapist steal a courtroom deputy's gun, shoot the deputy and judge, shoot another deputy outside, carjack multiple vehicles and escape from the scene? Where exactly were the other deputies? Where were all the off-duty police who supposedly can't be found enforcing the law because they "spend all their time stuck in court"? Please tell me.

John Kelly: It does make you wonder what would happen if, say, a terrorist wanted to wreak some havoc. I have a sort of funny story in this regard: A couple of years ago, during the post-9/11 frenzy, I did an article on gasmasks. As part of my reporting, I visited a company that sells them. Because I'm weird, I brought an onion, a cutting board and a chef's knife to my interview. I asked if I could try on the gasmask and cut the onion. They were delighted. I cut the onion up and didn't shed a tear. Several months later I was covering a trial at an area courthouse. I'd already been through security and into the courthouse for several days running, when one morning the guard stopped me and asked if I had a knife in my briefcase. I said no, of course not. They said did I have anything that looked like a knife. I said no. Then they opened my briefcase and pulled out...a knife, the knife I'd used to cut onions with. I'd totally forgotten about it. I thought about launching into the whole I-used-it-to-test-a-gasmask story, but didn't need to. They just locked it up until I left that day. Now how did it slip through all those other days?

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washingtonpost.com: Judge, Two Others Shot and Killed in Atlanta (Post, March 11, 2005) John Kelly: here's the story from Atlanta.

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Blacksburg, Va.: Dear John,
No, though that would have been funny. We must have seen a reference to it on TV.

John Kelly: Ok, good. And if you are going to break up, do it face to face. (I'm channeling Carolyn Hax.)

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Southern Maryland: Cell phone etiquette -- It's virtually non-existent. I do not own one and will never own one. I have to ride nearly 2 hours each way to and from work every day on a commuter bus. (Sorry folks, but I have to work to support myself and a mortgage; DC is the only place which pays enough to live on.) I have often, nearly every single day, been trapped beside someone on a cell phone. Please realize there are at least 47 other people on that bus. Every one can overhear your conversation. I do not want to hear family squabbles, lovers' spats, medical diagnoses, how many times someone had to get up to go to the bathroom last night, details of a family feud, or confidential Government information. Yes, friends at the FBI, one of your HR employees was discussing loudly about the status of security clearances, references, and names of applicants one evening. We all heard it. Why do people have to give a minute by minute account of their progress home? Why should we have to listen to a dull litany of someone's work day?

Is there some polite way to get unaware talkers to realize we DO NOT want to overhear your conversaions? I'm often tempted to say "You're going to walk awful funny with a Nextel up your a--."

John Kelly: Well it brings new meaning to the expression, "Can you hear me now?" FBI info, huh? I hope the FBI is monitoring this chat.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: I open a can of Diet Coke at 7:30 every morning. There's no difference between getting your caffiene from coke or from coffee. I need to go customize a stool now.

John Kelly: Are you gonna add pinstripes?

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Bethesda, Md.: "How did this chat take this turn" Easy--Weingarten's been gone. Where else are they gonna turn!

John Kelly: I welcome everyone, even Weingarten's reprobates.

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Arlington, Va.: Miss intolerance here: you should have placed Miss Diet Coke in a chokehold, dragged her over to the map sign and point out to her that there is NO EATING OR DRINKING ON THE TRAINS!

John Kelly: Okay, that's what I'll do NEXT time.

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Petworth, D.C.: Hey John, a while back (When you succesfully negotiated 7 Corners), you were looking for an armoire. Did you ever find one? Do you have good advice on where you found it? (I'm still looking for one. It's a small house and I'm having trouble finding a nice small armoire.)

John Kelly: I did and I LOVE it. I ended up buying a new one at Mastercraft in Rockville. It's close to perfect, made by some Canadian company. While it may not have as much character as a really cool, old English one, it's very well made and was the exact size I needed. A small one might be hard to find. I wanted big, but not too big. If you want info e-mail me and I'll see if I have the maker's name at home. And good luck.

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Southwest, D.C.: Hi John - this isn't exactly your beat but wanted to put in a good word for the lovely article by Aruna Jain yesterday about the homeless man in Fort Washington who died recently. The article really emphasized how everyone in the neighborhoods along Indian Head Highway tried to look out for the guy for decades, who had mental health issues but was harmless. We were sorry to hear about his death but really appreciated the article. Thanks.

John Kelly: Here's the story...

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washingtonpost.com: Homeless Man's Death Hits Hard (Post, March 10, 2005) John Kelly: ...right here.

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Bethesda, Md.: Small point, but to the person who never thinks s/he has never noticed his/her voice on the land line, I am sure you have noticed when you breathe you hear it in the earpiece. . .

John Kelly: What if you breathe through your nose?

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Washington, D.C.: After reading the story about the judge being shot in GA today and the Chicago Judge's family, I am starting to wonder if all of the anti-judge talk by the Republicans is having an impact on how we see them or their value. Or their blame.

John Kelly: An interesting point, but these suspects don't look like the sort of people who listen to anyone, other than the voices in their own heads.

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Frederick, Md.: Do people wear clothes in heaven? If they don't, where would they put their money?

John Kelly: What do people do at those clothing-optional resorts? Don't they use plastic necklace beads or something? Or do they use a fanny pack? So to speak.

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Eastern Shore, Md.: Alexandria, Va.: I don't know about you but I customize my stools just about everyday.

John Kelly: I hope it's not the most creative thing you do all day.

How did this chat take this turn?

Answer: Weingarten was off this week.

John Kelly: I saw Gene yesterday and I passed onto him a truly important story involving duck-on-duck necrophilia. Ask him about during his next chat.

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Anonymous: Is there beer in heaven?

John Kelly: I certainly hope so. I have it on good authority that they serve Bud Light in Hell. (And Amstel Light in Purgatory.)

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Silver Spring, Md.:
The poster who suggests that the schools should dismiss early of the snow shows up is way off base. Now the parent who is working in Reston is supposed to go around the beltway in the snow to get home to her child who is either home or stuck in a bus in a traffic jam or lost in a snowbank somewhere. How they did it in the snowy midwest when he was a kid has nothing to do with the DC Metro area today!! Early dismissals are extremely inconvenient and costly. Are we overly cautious? Of course we are! 42,000 deaths occur in traffic in the US each year!!

John Kelly: She's my mother, she's my sister, she's my mother!

See, there's no way to win on this. No matter what a school does, they're going to come in for criticism. I say roll with the punches and pray for Spring.

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Bethesda, Md.: John, How tall are you? Under 5'5? Or are those guys in the reveling picture with you giants? I am 5'3 and always like meeting other men my height. I know there are men in this world shorter than me, but I feel so short sometimes!!

John Kelly: I am of normal height. The men in that photo are freakishly tall, bordering on the medically dangerous. Just for comparative purposes, that door frame is 12 feet high.

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Washington, D.C.: John --
Love your column. A question tangential to today's opus: People like to talk about the mayhem that is traffic on the streets of DC, and it's true that the only enforcement of traffic laws comes in the form of cameras. But by world standards, or even US standards, DC is pretty squarely in the middle -- it's not Beijing, but it's not Salzburg either. Nor is it Boston, nor Ames, IA. Do you think DC would be overall a more livable city with more traffic enforcement, or do you think it's one of those things were everyone likes to believe they're getting a little edge and it helps to maintain the fiction?

John Kelly: I could use a little more enforcement. A woman turned against a red right turn arrow this morning at 18th and L. Now, why would she do that? And what's wrong with using a turn signal? The number of people who do that is going down. So, I don't think we should be like Singapore but I'd like to see people drive a little better.

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Anonymous: Re. Beer in Heaven:
Come one everyone knows:

In Heaven there is no beer
That's why we drink it here
and when we're gone from here
Our friends will be drinking all the beer !

John Kelly: Cheers!

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Rockville, Md.: John: When baseball comes to DC and we all shout "Go Nats!" it's going to sound a lot like we're cheering on certain body parts located below the waist. "Go Nads!"

Just thought you'd like to know.

John Kelly: Thank you Mr. George Will.

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Carlisle, Pa.: I have a nasal voice, does that mean I don't scream into a cell phone?

John Kelly: But how tall are you?

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Silver Spring, Md.: The duck-on-duck necrophilia story is very interesting. I don't know that I would have watched it for several hours like the researcher did, but I'm not in the scientific field, and thus not as interested in such a thing. I never knew ducks could be so violent. Right after I read that story I saw a duck on my walk home and it was hard to look at with a straight face.

John Kelly: Duck walks into a bar, orders a beer. (This is apparently not in heaven).
Bartendar says, "Sure, Mac, how you gonna pay for that."
Duck says, "Put it on my bill. And by the way I just killed a duck."

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Washington, D.C.: What's the real difference between two people having a conversation and a person on a cell--in an eatery, on a bus, etc.?

John Kelly: I've noticed that people talk more loudly on cell phones, many of them, possibly for the reasons discussed here.

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Oakton, Va.: I will make sure all money I take with me when I go says In God We Trust.

John Kelly: Not if the ACLU has their way you won't.

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Glenmont, Md.: John, I live in a garden apartment complex and subscribe to the Post. This means I am subject to the bane of all apartment dwellers who subscribe to a newspaper -- newspaper thieves. When I was working, and left home t 6:30 this was not a problem. Now I'm retired. When I wake up early the paper is there, but if I sleep in, it is gone. I hate to set the alarm for 6 a.m. just to bring in the paper.

My question, however, is: If you don't get your paper, you can call the Post circulation departrment aned ask for a replacement. I'm reluctant to do this, because I'm pretty sure they did, in fact, deliver my paper. Can you help me solve this ethical dilemma? Thanks.

John Kelly: Send me your info by e-mail: kellyj@washpost.com. And I'll make sure your carrier doesn't get in trouble. It could be pesky thieves. Why don't they just steal the Examiner?

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Washington, D.C.: "So no opinions on whether everything is free in Heaven? What are you, a bunch of Unitarians?"

Actually, I am - and to be honest, a group of Unitarians tend to have more opinions than actual people.
But frankly, I'm hoping for reincarnation, myself.
Wouldn't it be interesting, by the way, if all the fictions ever created had their own alternate universes, and you could reincarnate into those?

John Kelly: Yes, that would be interesting. Just my luck I'd be reincarnated into "The Five People You Meet in Heaven." Kinda redundant.

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Springfield, Va: Article in today's Washington Post Express talks about Metro wanting to charge for parking at stations near the FedEx Field during Redskins games, raising an extra $363,000 a year. Well, why is metro allowing daily parking spots to be occupied for more than 24 hours, were as the vehicle only having to pay the one time low price of $3.75 for 24 hours at the Franconia/Springfield station. I have witness vehicle parked in the daily (non-permit spots) for more than 5 to 7 days. Metro could increase parking revenue if they were to close this loop hole. They need to look into using the present reader system to track (using the SmartTrip card for entry as well as exiting) so a vehicle is charge the correct amount for the number of 24 hour periods it is parked. Cost based on the number of days metion could generate $15-23 dollar more per vehicle doing this. Wonder how much Metro could make in a year tracking vehicles.

John Kelly: I dunno. I'll ask Metro and have an answer during next week's chat.

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Southern Maryland: Re: Mating Pandas -- No wonder they're having problems. Get a load of that trio of "behavior watchers." Who can mate with those three watching?

John Kelly: We've been trying to post that photo, without luck. Those who have access to an actual paper will see on Page B3 the "behavior watchers." They look like a Unitarian quilting circle. The sickos.

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Manassas, Va.: OOPs. Hit return with no comments.

I think before you start comparing school systems regarding snow policies, you have to also compare commuting times. People in this area have to catch a bus or drive to work as early as 5am to beat the HOV or to get to work by 7am. Do people in the snowbelts have work hours that early? I used to be a government worker. I had to be into work by 7am along with many of my co-workers. I'm sure this forces schools systems to have to make decisions early so parents can plan their day.

What's also crazy is every school system closed and Government workers have to be in on time? At least have unscheduled leave and give parents a chance.

John Kelly: Sounds sensible to me.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Have you driven much in NY? They don't use turn signals up there at all. I think it's against the law or something. While those transplanted NYers may be more adept in the snow, that benefit is more than offset by the inability to move a tiny bar an inch or so.

John Kelly: Turn signals? Fuhgedaboudit.

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Washington, D.C.: Missing Paper:
If you hang a bag on your doorknob for the deilvery guy to put the paper in, people will be more reluctant to reach in and take the paper. If it's on the floor it's fair game it seems.

John Kelly: That's good advice. Or get up really early and put the PREVIOUS day's paper out there each morning.

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Anonymous: Re. Early School Dismissal: For the record, Detroit has bad traffic and virtually NO public transporation system. My parents managed just fine trekking across the city from their job back home to the burbs. Older kids can manage to get themselves home just fine with the bus, metro, and cab systems in tact. Or, heavan forbid, talk to other parents and come up with a carpool situation for when events like this happen. I for one and tired of kids getting pulled out of school for faux snow days, mercury spills, and other ridiculous issues when they should really be in the classroom learning!

John Kelly: Well they do have some slack built into the schedule, supposedly. Although the test scores might bely this.

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Washington, D.C.: Hey, tell the Unitarian please:

This month's Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction has a story about reincarnation and multiple universes that you should read.

John Kelly: Next week: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

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Anonymous: For Glenmont: Mount a webcam to catch your paper thieves!

John Kelly: And patch the feed in to those ladies who are watching hot, sweaty panda love.

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Silver Spring, Md.: When I lived in an apartment complex and my paper kept getting stolen, I taped a quarter to my door with a note that said "BUY YOUR OWN -EXPLETIVE- PAPER" It didn't work, but at least it made me feel better.

Then I called the Post, who sent me a replacement paper. I told them that it wasn't my carrier's fault & that someone was clearly stealing my paper. They sent another one anyway. Nice folks.

John Kelly: I think I spelled it wrong. Someone from New York will no doubt correct me with a mixture of sadness and superiority.

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John Kelly: Whoops. That wasn't the right answer. I pushed the wrong button.

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Anonymous: Fuhgedaboudit: So, that's how you spell it. I always wondered!

John Kelly: THIS is the question for THAT answer.

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Anonymous: There are no cellphones in heaven. That's why it's called HEAVEN!

John Kelly: Ah, heaven.

That's it for today. Great comments, as always. Sorry I couldn't get to everyone. Have a great weekend. I'll see you in church on Sunday at in the paper on Monday.

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Anonymous: Re. knives in briefcases: That reminds me of a recent illicit weapons incident. For Halloween last year I went as Alice from Resident Evil and was armed to the teeth, including two cap pistols. While in the driving to the Halloween parties, I hid the pistols in the glove compartment. Well, about two weeks ago, I opened it, and found one of my pistols. My fiance just kept imagining if I had been stopped by a cop before then . . . "here's my license, registration, and . . ."

John Kelly: Had to get this one in...

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Anonymous: Re: "everything free in heaven": Well, that wouldn't be heaven to a retail-store owner. Sam Walton, for instance, is presumably in a heaven where prices get lower every day, but never reach zero.

John Kelly: ...and this one.

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