ASK AMY

Dear Amy:

I have been married for almost 25 years. I have two boys, 14 and 4, whom I love very much.

The problem is my wife. After our youngest was born, she reduced her full-time job that she held for more than 20 years down to one day a week. She quit doing housework, sat around and put on a lot of weight.

I got tired of working all day and having to come home and do the housework. She didn't change the sheets for four months, clean the bathrooms or even load the dishwasher.

After our son turned 3, I talked her into going back to work two more days a week, to get a life and to put our son in a preschool.

After this, I still have to come home after work and do the housework, and she always wants to go out for dinner.

The only way I can get her to clean the house is on the weekends, when I have to get mad, get the garbage can and start cleaning. My boys will not pick up anything.

My brother says to hire a cleaning lady, but I don't think this is the answer.

I will be 50 years old shortly. I was not raised to live this way, and I am not happy with my home situation. My wife shows me no affection. The only kiss I get when I get home after a long day at this office is from the dog.

What should I do?

I Need Help

I can tell that this must be very frustrating for you, but I think you are missing some signs that your wife might be suffering from depression.

If your wife's behavior has changed, and if her energy and will seem to have diminished (and it sounds as if they have), she could be in a cycle of depression, which might have been brought on by childbirth or the onset of menopause or perhaps a combination of the two. She should see her physician for a full work-up, including a mental-health screening.

Even though some of the issues you mention might be a function of her depression, all of these issues are negotiable. You should insist that your wife commit to counseling with you. It would benefit both of you to reassess the workings of your household in the presence of a neutral third party.

In the meantime, I do think it would be a good idea to get someone to clean periodically -- if you can afford it. This will give the household a "fresh start."

Your whole family should have a meeting to decide how you can change things. I hope you all choose to stay home on weeknights for dinner. You should work with your wife to find ways to make having dinner at home easier on her. For instance, if she does the cooking, you and the boys would do the cleanup, of course.

Ask Amy is written by Amy Dickinson, a journalist who has worked for NBC News, Time magazine and National Public Radio. Write to her at askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

(c)2005 by the Chicago Tribune

Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.