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Dude, Where's My Horse?
Off the interstate, detailed directions quickly lead me to a dirt road dead-ending at the Ponderosa, which, much to my surprise, actually looks like a dude ranch. Horses are meandering in sprawling fields, brown from months of drought, and a tidy compound of log buildings sits in a valley amid rolling hills.
First up is the lodge, where hearty, stick-to-your-ribs meals are served buffet-style thrice daily; a clanging bell alerts guests when the grub is ready. Nearby, the bunkhouse contains two (gulp) shared baths and eight nicely decorated rooms that sleep 20. There's also a tin-roofed picnic pavilion with two hot tubs and, of course, the stables.
It's a brisk winter afternoon, but this being Florida brisk, it's 65 and partly sunny. I'd be content to sit on a swing and watch the clouds drift by (which is what the Butchers have been happily doing the past five days), but Hoch will have no part of it.
"You want to go horseback riding, right?" she asks. I'm here on the $99.95 "Taste of a Dude Ranch" package, which includes a room, breakfast and dinner, entertainment -- and two trail rides.
And hit the trail I must. I'm assured by Hoch that the ranch caters to folks just like me: city slickers, scaredy-cats, hopeless rubes.
"We prefer to call them 'inexperienced,' " she says.
An hour later, Marti and Sheila, two of the ranch's wranglers, are introducing me to Farley, whom I will get to know intimately during the next 24 hours. A gorgeous Arabian mix, Farley is among the Ponderosa's newest residents and one of the more interesting: He's a former circus horse whose previous owner never divulged all of his tricks. The wranglers are still trying to figure out what he can do, like a Christmas toy whose directions were misplaced.
Clambering atop Farley is easy; staying there is another matter. About 42 seconds into the ride, I look at my watch and start squirming. Then we actually start to move.
Marti and Sheila lead me and eight other dudes into the forest, and it's here that the Ponderosa's dissimilarity from its western counterparts becomes most apparent. No snow-peaked mountains, rushing streams or lush green hillsides in these here parts.
The trail is sandy, and dust kicked up from the other horses soon coats my sunglasses. At one point we trot along the barbed-wire fence of a correctional institute, and later, a gunshot rings out in the forest.
"It's small-game season," says Sheila. "Maybe someone bagged a rabbit."
Still, it's a lovely area. Seas of palmettos form a green cushion beneath tall pines, and sweeping prairies are speckled with the shadows of dive-bombing hawks. Deer skitter across the trail. I soon become lost in my thoughts, as well as direction -- I'd have no idea how to get back to the ranch on my own. When the ride ends, I'm sore but eager to do it again.
After 90 minutes of strummin' and singin', Katie Lynn Benton finally surrenders to the unseasonable chill. The lanky entertainer, who's been performing her postprandial "One Woman Music" show in the pavilion, lays down her guitar and announces, "Up! It's time to get the blood moving."
Ugh. Audience participation. Soon, I'm clasping hands with 10 smiling strangers and skipping around in a circle doing the Chicken Dance. The tempo picks up, the laughter builds, and when the flapping and pecking subside, we stroll breathlessly back to our seats. Benton returns to the stage, revved to perform for another two hours for her now-energized audience.
The next morning, after breakfast with the Butchers, I meet Farley anew and set out on a longer ride with a smaller group.
This time, I leave my watch behind.
Details: Ho's Ponderosa
The ranch also offers theme packages, including "Full Moon" rides and mystery weekends; call 877-70-RANCH or check www.hponderosa.com for details.
If you're jonesing for roller-coasters and adults dressed like Winnie the Pooh, Disney World, Universal Studios and Busch Gardens are all within an hour's drive. For cheaper, less in-your-face theme park experiences, consider nearby Weeki Wachee (with its mermaid shows) or Silver Springs (and its glass-bottom boats). Or just head to the gulf beaches.