It's a crime to make the news rhyme
By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Hallmark's rhymes don't keep up with the times
Even in greeting-card seasons.
Wisely, they choose to steer clear of the news,
(Here are six very good reasons).
- - -
Some say that lawyers are bad to the bone,
That they're America's case of arthritis,
That they're crooked and personal-injury-prone
And as rich and as greedy as Midas.
"Not true," they protest, nearly popping their lid,
"But, speaking of sore-joint conditions --
If you ever took Vioxx (or will say that you did)
We'd be happy to sue your physicians."
- - -
Once again, Osama speaks, but now he's changed his act.
He seems a polished statesman -- all finesse and tact.
He presents himself with dignity, and with beatific gaze
Says he had to help our country see the error of its ways.
Sure, he hurt some people, but says we're even meaner --
Still, the only message that I hear is, "Neener neener neener."
- - -
Though pro athletes act
Like beasts in a cage,
We love them; in fact,
Sports is still all the rage.
(Rage -- i.e., going postal,With jocks punching fans)
But, still, coast-to-coastal
We're filling the stands.
Perhaps this is why:
As we fling beer and cuss,
We can hardly decry
Them behaving like us.
- - -
The Supreme Court's agreed
That it's going to rule
Whether we can grow weed
As a medical tool.
I recall sweet aromas
From when I was a pup.
And now my glaucoma's
Been, er, um, acting up.
- - -
In the real-life global game of Risk, you need to have some guts,
Which I'm glad to see our leader's got, along with lots of chessmen.
But it takes guile and wisdom, too -- and here's what drives me nuts:
He's now sitting at the table with a cheerful team of yes men.
- - -
Hereby do I nominate, for his second Nobel Prize,
A man who brokered violence and ruled through threats and lies.
But Mr. Yasser Arafat, he of the scarf-wrapped head,
Has brought us closer to world peace, by kindly dropping dead.
Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon at www.washingtonpost.com.