Weingarten, Unplugged

12. If I have lately been amused by "Classic Peanuts," particularly the exploits of Spike, Snoopy's desert-dwelling brother.

13. If, during the time of my incapacitation, the United States Supreme Court has extended its revocation of Roe v. Wade to include constitutional protection for the rights of sperm.

14. If my physical condition has deteriorated to such an extent that, in my hospital bed, I look like a large, uncooked shrimp.

15. If they still haven't developed a spam filter that can catch the name "Mrs. Miriam Abacha."

16. If, at any point during the years leading up to my incapacitation, I ever drove my car while wearing a porkpie hat, or hiked my pants up to my nipples, or did those "word find" puzzles, or nodded off during the Super Bowl, or availed myself of an "Early Bird Special," or dined with a napkin tucked under my chin, or retired before 8 p.m., or wore flannel pajamas, or discussed my bathroom difficulties with anyone who was not my personal physician, or complained that young girls these days should be dressing more demurely, or ever said, without any intended irony, "Oy."

17. If, during my persistent vegetative state I had suffered such irreversible neurological damage that, even if I recovered consciousness, the only way I could attempt suicide would be to try to frantically blink myself into a heart attack.

And lastly, it is my specific wish, should it come time to disconnect me from a feeding tube, that, rather than be allowed to die of starvation or thirst, I be lovingly asphyxiated by a buxom honey-blonde nurse in a short skirt and one of those cute little caps.

Gene Weingarten's e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.

Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon at www.washingtonpost.com.