By Art Buchwald
Thursday, April 28, 2005
The only reasons John Bolton's critics don't want him to be the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations are that he is a terrible diplomat, he dislikes the U.N., he has a short temper and he's a bully. Outside of that, he is President Bush's kind of appointee.
This is what his detractors fear he'll do if he gets the job:
John Bolton, in a Security Council meeting, turns to the French ambassador, who has made a speech about Iraq, and says, "Oh yeah?"
The French ambassador says, "Oh oui ."
"You wouldn't say that if you didn't have diplomatic immunity."
"I can say anything I want to."
Bolton says, "Let's step outside and I'll knock your teeth out."
"I don't want to step outside and fight you. I am a black belt in karate and a kickboxer, but my instructions are to solve all disputes in the U.N. diplomatically."
Bolton says, "My instructions from Washington are to do anything to win. And if any country disagrees with us, we'll shove the veto vote down their throat. Why don't we go down to the U.N. gym and have it out with bare knuckles?"
"Monsieur Ambassador, you are, as we say in France, a brute -- a bully."
"And you're nothing more than a cowardly frog."
"And you are a money-grubbing flea."
John says, "If we go to the top floor, I'll throw you out the window."
"You don't even know where the top floor is. You said in your speech that a top floor at the U.N. building is a waste of space and so are the other floors."
Bolton says, "I'm beginning to lose my temper. When I lose it, I throw things at people."
"I am sure you do. Put that Oil for Food trophy down."
"I'm going to tell Condoleezza I tried to drill some sense into your dumb head."
"And I am going to tell President Chirac never to invite your president to Versailles."
Bolton leaves the Security Council floor, sees the Cuban delegate running down the hall and chases him. The man runs into a restroom and locks the door.
Bolton bangs on the door and yells, "Fidel, or whatever your name is, if you don't come out in three minutes, we'll bomb Havana."
"Why now?" the delegate asks.
"Because we know you are building biological bombs to spread germs all over Miami. And even if you aren't, the president would like to bomb someplace only 90 miles away."
Two of Bolton's aides drag him back to the office.
He says, "I've really had a bad day. Bring in some of the staff so I can chew them out."
After harassing them, he calls Condoleezza Rice in Washington. "Ms. Secretary? I'm having a bad day. Whatever country we oppose votes against us. Fifty percent of all the members hate us. And 50 percent that we give AIDS money to despise us."
"John, we have to do what's right for America."
"I would like to kick the Russian ambassador in the you-know-where."
"Don't do it until the president gives the word. How are you doing with the Chinese over North Korea?"
"I'm not talking to the Chinese ambassador."
"Why not?"
"Because he won't apologize for parking his limousine in my reserved space."
"You've done a great job and we appreciate it."
Bolton says, "Thank you. I think I have done well, considering I've only been here two weeks."
2005Tribune Media Services